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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling angry about ingratitude - AIBU?

464 replies

NCforthis10 · 20/12/2020 06:36

NC for this. I’m not sure about whether I’m being unreasonable or not and I’m looking for a way of dealing with this.

I’m the manager of one of our company’s branches with 14 staff. I normally buy everyone a gift at Xmas to say thanks for all their efforts in the year. Nothing expensive, usually about £20-25 in value. Because of coronavirus our branch only has a skeleton staff in the office to deal with things that need to be dispatched and customer returns. I’m mainly working from home.

This year I decided to make a donation to a local charity on behalf of the branch rather than deal with the logistics of getting gifts to everyone. I sent an email out to all of the team thanking them for all their teamwork and another successful year despite the coronavirus, explaining that I’d made the donation in their names. I did this at the beginning of the week and no one has even acknowledged this apart from some comments made at a staff Webex meeting on Thursday when a couple of people said that they would have preferred a gift like usual.

I was so taken aback that I couldn’t say anything so I just acted like nothing was said and moved onto the next item. But I’m really struggling with what I see as immense ingratitude.

I’m looking to my fellow mumsnetters to let me know if my reaction is being unreasonable and how to deal with it. I really feel like saying something very pointed as I see making the donation still as a gift which obviously wasn’t appreciated, but I don’t want to make matters worse for myself.

AIBU?

OP posts:
TramaDollface · 20/12/2020 12:02

Gratitude for ....?

I think most of them would really have preferred some vouchers, you have no idea when their home circumstances would above been like
Why would they be thanking you?
Just sounds like a load of virtue signalling from you tbh

NoSleepInTheHeat · 20/12/2020 12:06

a donation to charity in my name isn't a gift to me unless I asked for it. Otherwise you just gave my present away to someone else
This sums it up.

MummytoCSJH · 20/12/2020 12:07

The issue here is that most people have had pretty much the worst year they could've had this year, and despite usually getting something to actually thank them for their work, even when it's just their normal work, this year after going above and beyond they didn't get one, because the OP didn't want to make the effort to sort something out. A charity donation is only a gift if the person picks the charity and gives it themselves. Otherwise it will be seen as 'my gift has been given to someone else'. If this had been a regular year I doubt it would have been so insulting, but it is insulting to feel that you're not even worth your manager going to the effort of finding you a small gift or sending you a voucher when you've struggled more than usual. I also don't think it makes a difference if it's OPs money, in fact I would say that makes it less of a gift as it's basically just a donation from her now. She chose to give gifts this year and past years, made a rod for her own back. Not something I would ever do though as it quickly adds up.

AnotherChinHair · 20/12/2020 12:08

I don't expects gifts from anybody, not even my bosses. However, someone donating to charity on my name is not on. And expecting that to be considered a gift, no, no way.

Arboria · 20/12/2020 12:09

How much did you give to the charity?

Between £280-£350?

numberthirtytwoWindsorGardens · 20/12/2020 12:11

I'm sorry you're feeling rubbish, OP. I hope you have a nice Christmas; forget about it now. Flowers

Cookies2523 · 20/12/2020 12:12

I think that a donation to charity was a lovely gesture. If I was you, I would be changing my greedy, selfish staff! Seriously though, I would just ignore their comments and after the year, tell them in a meeting that this year was the last time you were giving them any kind of gift. They have shown their true colours in my eyes.

TheLadyOfShallnott · 20/12/2020 12:13

Yup. Agree with that too.^

thevassal · 20/12/2020 12:14

Our managers (public sector) did this one year rather than the usual bottles of wine and box of chocolates and yep, went down like a lead balloon. Why is it surprising to think people would like something themselves after probably their hardest year rather than a donation to a random charity whose values they themselves might not support?

I'm surprised you really think people would consider it a gift if they don't benefit from it at all?

I mean obviously it's up to you, but the 'logistics' of posting an amazon or m&s gift card or something to a few people doesn't exactly seem insurmountable, nor does "I've got you all some wine and chocolates and will leave them in the office until it's safe to pick them up, don't worry they've got a best before date of 2022!" or whatever.

Although this year we got absolutely fuck all in my work, so....

AnotherChinHair · 20/12/2020 12:18

A donation to charity is always good. That's not the issue. The issue is to try to pass it on as a gift to others. It would have been far more honest for the OP to say to gifts this year, maybe a box of chocolates to share, and then do with her money what she pleases, without announcing it.

I volunteer to Samaritans, have done for 3 and a half years now. Should I tell other people that instead of gifts I will be donating my time to charity? No. If I don't want to do gifts, I don't, and own it.

I don't think that staff were ungrateful not to appreciate a gift of that nature, although if it was me I would have never said anything. Equally, if I am part of a team and the boss donates to charity in lieu of a Christmas gift and one by one my colleagues email to say what a lovely kind and selfless gesture that is, then I would feel I would have to reply in exactly the same vein. Without meaning it.

A £5 voucher to the local coffee shop would have been more thoughtful and you would have still have leftover to give to charity if that's what you wanted to do.

Dillo10 · 20/12/2020 12:24

Literally nothing worse than when someone donates to a charity on your behalf

Chinainmyhandsoitis · 20/12/2020 12:25

You made a donation to charity and then told people you had made a donation to charity to feel good about yourself. Your colleagues should not have to thank you for giving to charity.

ohwhatamiserableyear · 20/12/2020 12:26

Nothing wrong with giving a gift to a charity you support.

It is wrong, however, to pretend it's a gift to others. Like your employees. Because it's not.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 20/12/2020 12:27

Does the stuff know it's from your personal money? If I were them I assume it was company's money

ohwhatamiserableyear · 20/12/2020 12:28

It's like all those pontificating idiots on social media who announce that instead of doing Christmas cards, they've made a donation to charity.

Christmas cards and donations to charity are not mutually exclusive things. You can do both. You can do neither. You can do either. But people need to stop pretending that they can only do one.

FreeBettyBoop · 20/12/2020 12:28

My manager went the opposite way this year.

Usually she buys us each a bottle of wine. This year we all got a lovely hamper. It’s been a bastard of a year. We have taken a pay cut. We have worked insane hours, with kids at home for a large portion of it. The hamper was in recognition of this, how hard we have worked to keep it all going.

It was appreciated.

LadyCatStark · 20/12/2020 12:28

I don’t think you necessarily beed to feel like shit or do anything to rectify it, but YABU to expect gratitude when they haven’t actually received anything! They’ve nothing to thank you for.

KatieGGGG · 20/12/2020 12:30

OP it’s a gift from the company it would be a shit gift. A donation to charity is only a present if it’s asked for.

But you’ve said it’s come out your pocket which changes things.

I know it’s last minute but could you look for a small budget from the work to give gifts? Even a 20 quid Tesco voucher each or similar won’t cost company much but will mean a lot.

Hobnobswantshernameback · 20/12/2020 12:32

Is this a reverse?

Brown76 · 20/12/2020 12:32

Reminds me of when my manager decided that all our gifts from
customers should go to the needy. It’s just a token gift, but the message you’re getting back is that your token gifts did mean something to people and they feel like it’s a kick in the teeth after a hard year.

TheLadyOfShallnott · 20/12/2020 12:34

I wonder.

Did the employees put their hands in their pocket ever for their lovely manager?

Just curious. 🧐

isitsummertimeyet · 20/12/2020 12:52

Id be miffed if my idiot boss used my yearly gift to give it charity after the awful year we have endured, YABU to expect people to be gratful you didnt give them an option.. Humbug to you OP tbh

Lightsontbut · 20/12/2020 12:54

I would have read your email as "I gave a donation to charity instead of giving you a gift". Given that my head is above water financially I would have been very happy with that but I do not see it as a gift 'to me' especially as you did not ask what charity I support. Others who are financially struggling could, understandably, react differently. Either way, I can't understand what you want 'thanks' for.

OverTheRainbow88 · 20/12/2020 12:55

I think it’s a great idea, and would have done the same.

Lightsontbut · 20/12/2020 12:57

*It's like all those pontificating idiots on social media who announce that instead of doing Christmas cards, they've made a donation to charity.

Christmas cards and donations to charity are not mutually exclusive things. You can do both. You can do neither. You can do either. But people need to stop pretending that they can only do one.*

So, sooooo true!! I do both but don't feel the need to advertise all charity donations!! They are not intertwined decisions and if you've not given me a card you've just not given me a card. Full stop. Most especially so for people like my neighbours who did this. And live in a million pound house. I feel convinced they could have afforded a 10p card if they wanted to.... (My OH is always glad when people don't give cards for environmental reasons, which is something I have a lot more time for too).

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