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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Have I unintentionally made this very awkward ??

346 replies

christmasfear · 19/12/2020 17:40

Name changed.

I've been at a new job on and off for the past few months. I'm in my twenties and my colleague (kind of an unofficial supervisor) is in her fifties ish. She knows I don't have anyone to spend Christmas with this year. She invited me to stay with her over Xmas (in a support bubble so all would be safe) and said a lot of things like "I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it" and eventually after a bit of pushing from my friend (who's busy on Xmas sadly) I sent her an email saying it would be lovely to pop in and see her on Christmas Day. I sent this a few days back.

However, she's not responded to this at all and she's sent multiple subsequent emails to the team so I know she's been online and can read mine. I feel very awkward about the whole thing, as I'm worried she just meant it as a social nicety and doesn't know how to let me down gently. So AIBU to have said yes to it and assumed she wasn't just saying it as an empty idea? I can't imagine anything more awkward than saying something just to be nice and having the other person respond with "yes please!" (or words to that effect).

OP posts:

draughtycatflap · 20/12/2020 11:05

@christmasfear

The only way to avoid awkwardness now is to sneak round and blow her house up.

Clamber down the chimney screaming "Ho, ho, ho fuckers!"
@draughtycatflap

😂😂😂

Snazzysausage · 20/12/2020 11:10

If I look at this from my point of view, as in inviting someone for Christmas day and had offered to collect them, I would be thinking I'd collect at 11 ish or around that and we'd eat at around 2/2.30pm. Now I think the difficulty she's facing is if you pop in for a couple of hours in the afternoon and she still thinks you will need collecting someone has to fetch you just at the time lunch is ready or worse you are going to sit there,not eating with them,and watch them all eat. I wonder if this is her dilemma as even if they eat at 4 ish you'll still be there while they eat their dinner. You've done nothing wrong though and I can see why you thought you'd be taking the pressure off her. I think it's the timings.(Of course this doesn't apply if they eat at 12.30pm!) I don't suppose she mentioned what time they aim to eat did she?

helpingyourselftocheese · 20/12/2020 11:30

Haha OP you sound like you have a great sense of humour and would be a fun addition to a Christmas table so I'm not surprised she invited you and I'm sure it was genuine. Give it until end of day Monday then maybe the breezy email?

Original poster

christmasfear · 20/12/2020 11:31

I don't suppose she mentioned what time they aim to eat did she?

No time mentioned unfortunately @Snazzysausage. I'll just chalk it up to a miscommunication and try to avoid any unnecessary chat from now on

OP posts:

Original poster

christmasfear · 20/12/2020 11:32

Hahahaha thank you, @helpingyourselftocheese (topical username after the biscuit chat by the way!)

I'll give her till tomorrow before saying anything, just to give her the weekend off and see how we go! I'm off to stockpile mince pies and very cheap shitty rosé

OP posts:

CrotchBurn · 20/12/2020 11:34

You sound like a great person. And btw this is the kind of awkward misalignment that happens with people who dont have Aspergers too. So don't worry that you have fucked up somehow.

Oh and also: make sure you give us an update 😁

Original poster

christmasfear · 20/12/2020 11:40

Thank you, @CrotchBurn I really appreciate it!

I'll post back here in a few days if there's any update, absolutely. Apologies though, if there's anything worse than trying to figure out these social faux pas, it's trying to figure them out on behalf of someone else I'm appreciative to all who contributed x

OP posts:

RUOKHon · 20/12/2020 11:54

If I invited someone to stay wirh me at xmas and they eventually after pressure said "I'd love to pop in" I think I'd be put out as well

Would you?! How bizarre.

OP you haven’t done anything wrong - she invited you and you accepted - if she hasn’t responded to you to firm up plans then that it totally her issue and she is the one making things awkward.

whichminoguesister · 20/12/2020 12:07

There's nothing wrong with saying pop in. People are really over analysing that and making it something it isn't.

Anyone who isn't tightly wound would just respond to clarify when and how long they would stay/let them know they were welcome at x time, etc. You wouldn't throw a tanty and not respond because the person used a phrase and made you all precious fgs.

DisorganisedPurpose · 20/12/2020 12:16

It's probably best to phone her on Monday. Email might just hang again and it will feel awkward afterwards. Best of luck.

CorvusPurpureus · 20/12/2020 12:17

You mentioned adult dc, OP - might there be an eligible ds (or dd for that matter...) somewhere in the mix?

& she's invited you with lovely notions of matchmaking & now the dc has said 'ffs mother, I'm already seeing someone, behave?!' & rather than just realising that given you didn't know you were supposed to be auditioning as her future DIL, that's not actually important? .

Although tbh I'd suspect that in fact the dc have said 'ffs mother, we don't want randoms coming for sherry & cracker pulling in the middle of a pandemic' & now she feels awkward about rescinding the invite.

Or, if it was me, tbh I could quite easily have seen your reply, thought oh lovely, she's coming, must reply re timings & food etc, then slipped into thinking that because I'd replied in my head, I'd actually sent the email...or started drafting it, paused to answer the phone or let the cat out, & mentally ticked it off as 'sent' despite it still being in my outbox.

In any event, I'd just send a breezy follow up using new covid developments as an excuse not to go as PPs have suggested!

Original poster

christmasfear · 20/12/2020 12:25

You mentioned adult dc, OP - might there be an eligible ds (or dd for that matter...) somewhere in the mix?

That's a good idea, actually! But she knows I don't want to be dating right now (especially during a pandemic) as I've made jokes about it before. Plus if that was the idea would you not want to give some warning? So I don't rock up with ratty hair, a big Christmas jumper and smelling of pierogi

I've heard very little about her DCs, I don't actually even know their sex so it's possible but (fingers crossed) not likely. @CorvusPurpureus

OP posts:

Snazzysausage · 20/12/2020 12:34

I think the pp has it right, she should have clarified the time with you straight away and work round that. It's obvious that inviting someone over on Christmas day and then failing to respond to their email will inevitably make them feel awkward. I also think you sound lovely and I wish you a very happy Christmas wherever you decide to spend it.

diddl · 20/12/2020 12:57

"I think the pp has it right, she should have clarified the time with you straight away and work round that."

But there's still time for that!

Snazzysausage · 20/12/2020 13:38

diddl yes there is but I still think a "that's great, we'll arrange times etc later in the week" acknowledgement email
wouldn't have gone amiss!

HikeForward · 20/12/2020 14:06

If this is what she's thinking I definitely wouldn't want to go. It's an offer of kindness which I'm grateful for, but it shouldn't just be because the offeror wants to think of themselves as "generous"? I'm not obligated to just take what I can get because I'm alone this Christmas. I hope that's not what she's thinking

I think her original offer to host you on Xmas Day was generous in a genuine sense (she wanted you to visit for the day) and if you’d just accepted the invitation as it was it wouldn’t be an issue. Why do you think she only wanted to be seen as generous?

You wanted to change her plan by skipping Xmas lunch, coming later, bringing food you’d made. Maybe she didn’t want that?

Maybe she feels awkward saying your plan doesn’t work for her, she doesn’t want someone popping in with homemade food in the afternoon? It’s not as if you know the family. A flying visit from a stranger is a bit odd.

I think it is kind and generous to invite somebody you barely know for Xmas with your own adult children, (and maybe she thought you being there for the day would be a good chance to get to know you better) so you suggesting a different plan threw her a bit.

I’d leave it and stop worrying about it, if she wants you to pop in she’ll let you know.

diddl · 20/12/2020 14:35

Perhaps her insisted offering might indicate that it's more about her?

Really, she should have accepted Op's initial refusal.

By insisting it seems as if she really, really wants Op there, hence Op perhaps feeling that she should make some effort to go at some point?

Some people don't seem to understand that others really are ok with being on their own on CD & try to push what they would want onto others.

Seems to happen a lot with birthdays on here!

FantasticRik1 · 20/12/2020 15:05

You do sound lovely OP. Hope you have a lovely Christmas however you spend it.

cologne4711 · 20/12/2020 15:17

Scotland has also changed. Only supposed to visit in someone else’s house if “essential”. So it would be appropriate to email her again and say that you’re very grateful for her offer but in the light of the new guidance you realise it isn’t allowed

This.

persistentwoman · 20/12/2020 15:28

What a lovely person you seem to be OP. Hope you have a nice day wherever you spend it.

notanothertakeaway · 20/12/2020 15:47

@TheBumbleNums

OP just style it out.

Send another email saying ‘Thanks very so much for the invite, but as I never heard back from you I assumed your plans have changed so I’ve made my own plans now as it’s only 5 days until Christmas. Thanks so much though, have a wonderful Christmas and I’ll see you in the new year!’

Bright and breezy, it allows her to know she’s committed a faux pas but you’ve saved face

It's a more senior colleague. Don't make digs about her poor manners

shrill · 20/12/2020 15:47

You definitely did nothing wrong. People are like this at times and I wish I was a psychologist sometimes as I would really like to understand why. Just so that she can't say you didn't come, send a full stop type message saying Not sure if you have seen my message. I'm assuming it's no longer suitable for me to pop over. See you in the new year. Have a happy Christmas with all best wishes

Now put it behind you and have a lovely day of your own. There are thousands out there in the same or similar boat for various reasons, so you are not on your own in a way

Original poster

christmasfear · 24/12/2020 23:10

Hi all, just as a little update she did not respond at all (as of Christmas Eve) so I'm going to ignore it. I'm quite disappointed in her if I'm honest but it is what it is.

I'll alert you all if she ever does respond! Merry almost Christmas, everybody!

OP posts:

Cactuslockdown · 24/12/2020 23:21

I’d be disappointed in her too. .. but tomorrow when you are all cosy in your PJs in front of the tv you’ll be glad you don’t have to go
Happy Christmas OP

FabbyMagic · 24/12/2020 23:22

Sorry op that’s shit and disappointing for you. Feel free to post on here tomorrow and we will keep you company

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