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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have I unintentionally made this very awkward ??

346 replies

christmasfear · 19/12/2020 17:40

Name changed.

I've been at a new job on and off for the past few months. I'm in my twenties and my colleague (kind of an unofficial supervisor) is in her fifties ish. She knows I don't have anyone to spend Christmas with this year. She invited me to stay with her over Xmas (in a support bubble so all would be safe) and said a lot of things like "I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it" and eventually after a bit of pushing from my friend (who's busy on Xmas sadly) I sent her an email saying it would be lovely to pop in and see her on Christmas Day. I sent this a few days back.

However, she's not responded to this at all and she's sent multiple subsequent emails to the team so I know she's been online and can read mine. I feel very awkward about the whole thing, as I'm worried she just meant it as a social nicety and doesn't know how to let me down gently. So AIBU to have said yes to it and assumed she wasn't just saying it as an empty idea? I can't imagine anything more awkward than saying something just to be nice and having the other person respond with "yes please!" (or words to that effect). Blush

OP posts:
Original poster
christmasfear · 20/12/2020 10:16

OP what was the subject line of the email? Is it possible she thought it referred to something else (eg was it tagged on to an email chain about a work issue?) and hasn’t opened the email because she is not working on that project/task at the moment?

Subject line was "Christmas Day Plans". Not part of any email thread or anything work-related, I sent it off independently. @CheetasOnFajitas

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CheetasOnFajitas · 20/12/2020 10:17

OK well that blows the “email not read” theory out of the water then!

Original poster
christmasfear · 20/12/2020 10:18

You’ve experienced people fake-offering you chocolate digestives?
How did you know?

Not biscuits specifically, but if someone says "would you like a cup of tea?" and you say yes then they occasionally get a glint in their eye like you've shat on their carpet and held the dog hostage.

(as a minor example Grin) @CheetasOnFajitas

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ChristmasUserName2020 · 20/12/2020 10:18

Personally, I only ever invite people I actually want there just in case they say yes! If she was doing it to be polite then it’s her problem to either let you down gently or put up with you (joke, I’m sure you’re lovely) 👍

diddl · 20/12/2020 10:19

"The same thing with if someone asks "what film are you watching" they are (supposedly) actually asking "Can I watch this film with you?" and if you say "The Bourne Legacy" they'll take that as a cold rejection."

Wow!

That's a new one on me!

I'd probably just answer the question as well.

diddl · 20/12/2020 10:22

I can't help thinking that you know some difficult people Op!

If I knew someone was going to be alone I might invite them even though I wouldn't have usually.

But I would never invite someone who I didn't want there at all iyswim.

Original poster
christmasfear · 20/12/2020 10:22

Personally, I only ever invite people I actually want there just in case they say yes! If she was doing it to be polite then it’s her problem to either let you down gently or put up with you (joke, I’m sure you’re lovely)

Oh no I'm a nightmare, but I had hoped to still be an email-able nightmare Grin @ChristmasUserName2020

Wow! That's a new one on me! I'd probably just answer the question as well.

There's so much tiny examples like that and everytime I read a new one I think, "Great, that'll be at least four people who think I'm cold and uncaring then!" Grin I wish it wasn't socially awkward to just ask things bluntly, because yes you probably could watch Bourne with me if I knew that was what you were asking!

@diddl

OP posts:
Palavah · 20/12/2020 10:22

@christmasfear

So by "stay with her" I think she meant stay the day on Christmas - she mentioned cooking some food and playing games I think. I said I'd give it a think and let her know and she said that was fine but maybe I've somehow caused offense? I'm just not sure what I've done wrong. *@pcmcgregor*
I also interpretated this as you staying at least one night.

If I invited someone to stay wirh me at xmas and they eventually after pressure said "I'd love to pop in" I think I'd be put out as well.

Everlastingyes · 20/12/2020 10:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
christmasfear · 20/12/2020 10:25

If I invited someone to stay wirh me at xmas and they eventually after pressure said "I'd love to pop in" I think I'd be put out as well.

Can you explain your thought process / feelings behind this?
Sorry I know I sound like an alien, but I'd be much more likely to be pissed off if someone were enforcing they stay longer rather than trying to be polite and come for a short visit (unless they had already said they were coming for the day, but that didn't happen). @Palavah

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CheetasOnFajitas · 20/12/2020 10:26

@christmasfear

*You’ve experienced people fake-offering you chocolate digestives? How did you know?*

Not biscuits specifically, but if someone says "would you like a cup of tea?" and you say yes then they occasionally get a glint in their eye like you've shat on their carpet and held the dog hostage.

(as a minor example Grin) @CheetasOnFajitas

I’m sorry but I think you are projecting here.
Original poster
christmasfear · 20/12/2020 10:30

I’m sorry but I think you are projecting here.

That was obviously a hyperbolic example, but sometimes people will offer you things in the hopes that you'll reject them (e.g. "another cuppa?" in hopes that you'll say "No, I'll clear off now" so they don't actually really want to have a cup of tea with you). There are lots of small examples like that. @CheetasOnFajitas

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PicsInRed · 20/12/2020 10:31

So we had a zoom call earlier this week, around Thursday I think - I automatically said "no but thank you very much" (in a more roundabout way) because I thought she was just saying it to be nice, but she went into all this stuff about "I'm not just saying it to be nice", "swear you'll come if you'd like to", "I don't want you to be lonely" etc so I said I'd get back to her and thanked her which she seemed fine with. No more than a few hours later (after the prodding from my friend), I sent her the email and she's sent subsequent team emails but not responded to mine. I've checked and it's definitely gone through

Some people do like to offer things to be a "nice person" and take the gratitude just for offering...but don't actually intend to follow though. It's difficult to know if this woman is one of those, or perhaps her family have kicked off.

Either way, pushing the invitation really hard then ignoring you when you accept is poor manners on her side. The gaucheness is all hers.

PicsInRed · 20/12/2020 10:33

So, I actually wouldn't decline. I'd just let the acceptance hang, as you did nothing wrong. Then make other plans to keep busy on Christmas day.

mooncakes · 20/12/2020 10:37

If I invited someone to spend Christmas day with me and their response was "I'll think about it" followed by "I'll pop in late afternoon and bring my own food" I'd assume they didn't really want to be there and would probably think don't bother then!

However, I have only ever invited people to things if want them to come,
only offered biscuits or cups of tea if I want them to be taken,
and only experienced they same towards me!

If someone invited me to Christmas Day (or anything else) I'd always assume it was a genuine offer and go or not depending on whether I wanted to.

Honestly I think the issue here is you trying to second guess and work out the secret meaning rather than just respond genuinely to what your colleague has actually said.

goldielockdown2 · 20/12/2020 10:41

Far too much over thinking at this point. The truth is you don't actually want to go, so take matters into your hands and cancel.
If you're not comfortable picking up the phone to someone, texting or fretting over sending a follow up email, then you're not going to be comfortable sat in their house with their family on Xmas day.

diddl · 20/12/2020 10:41

"If I invited someone to spend Christmas day with me and their response was "I'll think about it" followed by "I'll pop in late afternoon and bring my own food" I'd assume they didn't really want to be there and would probably think don't bother then!"

Yes, it could come across like this I think.

Original poster
christmasfear · 20/12/2020 10:44

If I invited someone to spend Christmas day with me and their response was "I'll think about it" followed by "I'll pop in late afternoon and bring my own food" I'd assume they didn't really want to be there and would probably think don't bother then!

If you phrase it like that I can see what you mean, but to be fair that's not really what I said. Most of my email was about "what would be easiest for you", "we can do x, y, z as I know Christmas is a hectic time and I wouldn't want to put more pressure on". The "I'll think about it" part was more to do with checking if it was logistically possible, and she could have said something along the lines of "don't worry about it then" if she felt insulted that I needed to check logistics.

Honestly I think the issue here is you trying to second guess and work out the secret meaning rather than just respond genuinely to what your colleague has actually said.

I think the issue is actually that I've taken things at face value and responded accordingly but it seems that's been the wrong move, so now I have to overanalyse to see where I was misconstrued (or something went wrong). She's usually a speedy responder so something has gone wrong on either end to warrant this, I think. Not trying to invalidate your opinion but I think the oversimplification of what I said in the call and the email doesn't really represent how the conversation went.

(again wish I could just upload the email but that would probably have negative consequences). @mooncakes

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Original poster
christmasfear · 20/12/2020 10:45

(also the food was for everyone! It's cultural food to share, so wasn't me hoarding my own as an insult to her cooking or anything!)

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HikeForward · 20/12/2020 10:51

If I invited someone to stay wirh me at xmas and they eventually after pressure said "I'd love to pop in" I think I'd be put out as well.

My thought process would be: i’d made a generous offer to host them and feed them. They declined my offer but still wanted to ‘pop in’ with food of their own!

Nottherealslimshady · 20/12/2020 10:53

I think this thread is a really good example of how neurotypicals stress out non-neurotypicals by saying things they dont mean and not saying the things they do mean. Grin

It's so stressful trying to work out if someone is genuinely offering something because if they are, they'll be offended if you refuse, and if they're not, they'll be annoyed at you accepting. And they dont give you any clues which way it's going to fall. I go with being profusely thankful either way and then they cant get mad because I was so appreciative, dont know if it works Grin

Original poster
christmasfear · 20/12/2020 10:57

My thought process would be: i’d made a generous offer to host them and feed them. They declined my offer but still wanted to ‘pop in’ with food of their own!

If this is what she's thinking I definitely wouldn't want to go. It's an offer of kindness which I'm grateful for, but it shouldn't just be because the offeror wants to think of themselves as "generous"? I'm not obligated to just take what I can get because I'm alone this Christmas. I hope that's not what she's thinking.

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Original poster
christmasfear · 20/12/2020 10:59

It's so stressful trying to work out if someone is genuinely offering something because if they are, they'll be offended if you refuse, and if they're not, they'll be annoyed at you accepting. And they dont give you any clues which way it's going to fall. I go with being profusely thankful either way and then they cant get mad because I was so appreciative, dont know if it works grin

Yes exactly! It swings either direction seemingly randomly and I come off as rude (either being rejecting and cold or awkward and overbearing). Can't win!
Maybe there's an Asperger's commune I can go and live in Grin
@Nottherealslimshady

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draughtycatflap · 20/12/2020 11:01

There is obviously an unintentional faux pas committed here. The English are so easily embarrassed they even have to use a French phrase for it! 😀

The only way to avoid awkwardness now is to sneak round and blow her house up.

Original poster
christmasfear · 20/12/2020 11:03

The only way to avoid awkwardness now is to sneak round and blow her house up.

Clamber down the chimney screaming "Ho, ho, ho fuckers!" Grin
@draughtycatflap

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