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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ring this inconsiderate person at 4.30am?

166 replies

Lobeu · 18/12/2020 23:31

I have a relative who calls me multiple times a day (and night) for no reason at all, after answering the phone to her twice this afternoon she called me a third time at 10.30 which I rejected.

11.00pm comes and she's ringing again whilst I'm trying to settle my child for bed after a meltdown (ASD) lasting the best part of two hours.

It's inconsiderate, rude and entitled and I'm sick of it.

She does have (managed) mental health problems but don't plenty of us? I wouldn't dream of it.

I'm genuinely contemplating setting an alarm for the middle of the night and phoning her until she answers.

I can't have my phone on silent because I have an ill parent and I need to answer calls from her carers. I also can't block her number because she calls on withheld (auto setting)

So AIBU?

OP posts:

NotSorry · 19/12/2020 13:45

If you’re tier 3 she shouldn’t be in your house - what part of that does she not understand?

CottonSock · 19/12/2020 13:47

If it was me I would be non contact by now. Don't put up with this shit.

TheWeightOfWords · 19/12/2020 13:47

Just tell the judge and jury what you've told everyone here. You'll get an unconditional discharge, if not the George Cross.

TheWeightOfWords · 19/12/2020 13:48

Forgot the

Puzzledandpissedoff · 19/12/2020 14:18

I think DH just felt so awkward at the door he didn't want to deal with telling her to leave

No doubt, but at least it's an opportunity to rehearse something for when if she does it again
Even "can't stop - we were just off out" would cover it

Furrybutts · 19/12/2020 14:36

Puzzledandpissedoff
That reminds me of advice I was given many years ago.....
Always put your coat in to answer the door. That way if it's someone you want to see you can tell them you just got in , if it's someone you don't, you can say you are just on your way out :-D

Original poster

Lobeu · 19/12/2020 15:38

I made myself clear today when she came, I don't want her to ring me multiple times a day and definitely not after 8pm.

Despite making her a cup of tea I made a point of not stopping what I was doing (my hair, wrapping presents, being generally busy)

She stayed for around 20 mins before i said I must press on I've got work.

Another reason I don't want her turning up unannounced (other than the fact we're in tier 3) is because my youngest who is 20mo is scared of her for some reason.

DD came into the room from the kitchen to see her sat on the sofa and instantly burst into tears, she then clung to DH upset until she went home.

I don't know why she invokes such a strong response from DD as she's never been unkind to her and it does make me a bit sad but it is what it is.

OP posts:

sueelleker · 19/12/2020 16:20

@Lobeu

I'm not able to block withheld numbers completely as hospital/GP/HV/Paediatrican all call on a private number, that's why it's a massive PITA

I'm probably going to have to change my number which will be a nuisance, all because of one entitled person.

I have a True Call device, on which you can "zap" numbers, so that they are simply not accepted. Then you can ring her when you wish, but her calls will never get through. www.truecall.co.uk/shop/truecall-call-blocker

Lucywithout · 19/12/2020 16:53

I think you are being too kind. You need to get really angry and show her how you feel. She makes you feel guilty when it should be her. And insist your mother needs to be protected. Add the burner phone for emergency calls and get her to turn off the no number shown. If she phones like that say "I told you this is rude and I will not talk to you now," Stick up for yourself and lose your temper. Dont worry about her feelings - she does not consider you or your family members. Find your spine and show her how you feel.

IEat · 19/12/2020 17:29

It is inconvenient for you, but how does this person know that when they call you're busy?
I've had that... I call and they snap at me.. I'm bloody busy... My reply is always How the hell am I supposed to know that.

Mute your phone when your busy. No big deal

5foot5 · 19/12/2020 17:41

She knows who she can and can't do it to, she used to do it to my other aunt until her DH got pissed off and put his foot down because she was disturbing him in his home office when he was working. She doesn't do that anymore. I don't appear to have the same 'authority' though,

You have said that you have been pretty abrupt and it makes no difference. I have a simple but rude suggestion. Next time she calls at an inconvenient time could you just tell her to "F* Off" and put the phone down. It may not be in your nature to swear like that but if she just ignores your other very reasonable requests then perhaps shock tactics are called for. She clearly can understand these requests if she has learnt not to do it to other people. Time to stop being nice.

twoshedsjackson · 19/12/2020 18:03

Little children have strong instincts, unfiltered by the social niceties. DD is picking something up - of course, she may be distressed by the "cross mummy" vibe, however well you are shielding it from more socially conditioned adults.
Is she oblivious to the distress she is causing this little one, or conveniently choosing to ignore?
If not for your own sake, summon your inner mamma bear!

Vates · 19/12/2020 18:15

I have scanned the replies and actually agree with 5foot5. You need to be tough and stand up for yourself. Be clear that this situation will not continue. And I speak from the mentally ill person's perspective; she won't like it but this is not something you want in your life. From the replies it's like the waters have been muddied and you're just not making a clean cut to the behaviour.

For me it was worrying facebook posts (never been one for using the phone!). After not using facebook for 3 years I recently set it for delete, best decision ever. Mental illness isn't nice and can be very complicated but you need to be clear and concise with her.

SpookyCookyMammaBear · 19/12/2020 18:17

Change your number 🤷🏼‍♀️

Original poster

Lobeu · 19/12/2020 20:20

@twoshedsjackson

Little children have strong instincts, unfiltered by the social niceties. DD is picking something up - of course, she may be distressed by the "cross mummy" vibe, however well you are shielding it from more socially conditioned adults. Is she oblivious to the distress she is causing this little one, or conveniently choosing to ignore? If not for your own sake, summon your inner mamma bear!

DD's has been getting upset whenever she sees her for as long as I can remember. At first I thought it was because she wears masks but then she doesn't react like that to anybody else who wears one and she sees alot.

In the past when I've met her for lunch or coffee and taken the children with me DD has reacted in the same way. My other child really likes her it's just DD.

In response to other posts I do think the waters have been muddied and I've allowed it to continue because quite honestly it has long since been engrained in me that the family must tip toe around her and not upset her because she's not mentally well.

As I've reached adulthood and gone on to work, have a family etc she has clung on to me even. We're a small family and she says I'm the only niece who bothered to keep in touch which upsets her as she's very family orientated.

OP posts:

Labobo · 19/12/2020 23:00

If she's very family orientated, she needs to be sensitive to family. As others have said, having MH problems is no excuse to steamroller other people with no interest or care at all in their needs and priorities. Be very blunt if you are busy, don't reply to her calls more than once or twice a week.

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