To ring this inconsiderate person at 4.30am?

[Lobeu]

I have a relative who calls me multiple times a day (and night) for no reason at all, after answering the phone to her twice this afternoon she called me a third time at 10.30 which I rejected.

11.00pm comes and she's ringing again whilst I'm trying to settle my child for bed after a meltdown (ASD) lasting the best part of two hours.

It's inconsiderate, rude and entitled and I'm sick of it.

She does have (managed) mental health problems but don't plenty of us? I wouldn't dream of it.

I'm genuinely contemplating setting an alarm for the middle of the night and phoning her until she answers.

I can't have my phone on silent because I have an ill parent and I need to answer calls from her carers. I also can't block her number because she calls on withheld (auto setting)

So AIBU?

Maybe it will be easiest to... Change number.

Any chance you can put on note with acrers not to call from witheld?

Carers

I have told her yes, several times.

I was particularly abrupt about it when she called me at midnight and woke my youngest (then just a baby) who I was co-sleeping with.

You get a faux "oh sorry about that, I just..." then she'll do it again in a few weeks.

She would ring me up late at night to ask me to look up addresses for her and everything.

My DM, bless her, has told her the same many times to no avail.

Yesterday my three step DC were here (she knows Thursday is one of the days they stay) and she called me when I was in the middle of serving up dinner for 5 kids. It was a private number so I answered it just in case it was important.

It was her asking me to turn the TV onto channel 2 so I could tell her who some woman was. I, clearly annoyed, said "look I'm in the middle of doing tea for 5 children. I'm busy"

To which she repeated "but can you just..." and I hung up.

I'm pretty sure I have posted about this before actually yes, I vaguely remember having a moan about it somewhere on mumsnet.

When I go NC (which I have previously) she pulls out the sympathy card because "Lobeu was the only niece who ever stayed in touch"

And she wonders why

Yes I kind of agree with change numbers. Let everyone important know but not her. Or maybe even get a cheaply mobile you can check and call her on once a week if you want to keep some contact.
Sounds extreme but if this has gone on for years maybe you need an extreme permanent solution.

technicles.com/how-to-set-a-specific-contact-to-silent-mode-in-android/

Give her her own ringtone (which is silent)?

Thank you for all of the helpful suggestions and letting me rant here so I don't send a sweary text

I could ask the carers not to call on withheld certainly.

Can’t you buy a cheap mobile and give her that number only - put it on silent and leave her too it

@BluebellsGreenbells

Can’t you buy a cheap mobile and give her that number only - put it on silent and leave her too it

That's a pretty good idea you know.

I could say I've no longer got my current number, i'd just have to pray she doesn't ring it to check

I actually would send her a sweary text, tbh.

I would answer every call and say, no I can’t talk now, and hang up.

And if she still keeps doing it I absolutely would call her in the middle of the night, several nights in a row, until she got the point! I cannot stand people who won’t respect boundaries.

God I’m livid on your behalf.

I'm glad (i hope?) I don't sound like a terrible person, even though my OP was quite passive aggressive. It's just so draining.

The intrusion is unreal.

I have a hospital appointment myself in January (nothing serious) and she was trying to invite herself along to that. She's asked three times if she can come and been told no, still she asked again today.

Covid has given me a good excuse to get out of alot of things but nor hell nor high water deters her from calling non stop.

When she had a smart phone and would send 10+ WhatsApp msgs per day that was less problematic as I could just mute the chat, she's got an old style phone now that is a pain to text on so that means constant calls

Definitely use the do not disturb for now. Mine only allows my dad to call me, everything else is silenced

"Set your parent as a priority contact and put your phone on auto do not disturb between 9pm and 8am. The priority contact can override do not disturb. It should all be in the dnd settings."

I wouldn't do this. If your parent is ill then say someone tries to contact you to let you know she taken unwell, or the hospital calls...they wouldn't be able to get through to you as they would probably be using their own phone.

I would send a text to the relatives outlining how much of an impact this is having on your life despite you discussing it with her precious times before. Tell.her you do not want to hear from her again and that any time she calls from a withheld number, as soon as you answer and realise it is her, you will be hanging up. Harsh maybe but she obviously doesn't give a damn about you. Entitled person.

Not sure if this is helpful or not, but I have a friend who does this too. He is high functioning autistic and no amount of asking him not to call me several times a day, or in the middle of the night worked. So I purchased a dual SIM phone. He (and gp, dentist, acquaintances, work etc) have one number, and my family and close friends have the other one. I know never have to worry about who is calling, or missing an important call while ignoring him, as it's two different ring tones.

I wouldn't do this. If your parent is ill then say someone tries to contact you to let you know she taken unwell, or the hospital calls...they wouldn't be able to get through to you as they would probably be using their own phone

That is my worry yes.

I admit I do get anxious whenever I have a withheld call incase DM has been taken into hospital again, so she's putting me on edge in that regard too.

I'm going to have to stop talking to her, period. Me staying on the line when it becomes clear who's calling will only be encouraging the behaviour.

If all else fails, get a very cheap burner phone, give her that number. Block her on the other phone and only turn on the burner between, say 4pm and 6pm.

Honestly I would just read her the riot act the next time it happens. Just tell her the truth... it’s not nice, but she’s not getting your subtle and not so subtle hints. Honestly with a late call, I’d ask,

“what could you possibly be calling about at this time? Are you on fire? Are you in the hospital? Is anyone we know on fire or in the hospital, no then this is not the time to call and chat. You’ve now woken up the house, and nobody is on fire, why do you think this is acceptable?”

Stop being nice, you really don’t have to live like this.

I would just constantly hang up every time she called.

I would have one discussion with her, telling her how disruptive her calls are and that from now on you will only be available to talk to her between X and Y times and that if she calls at another time you will hang up.Then only answer her calls between X and Y time.

If she calls at another time from a withheld number then remind her of that and hang up. Dont shout or get angry, just a deadpan "I answered this call in case it was an emergency. It is not, and I am not available to talk to you now. Do not call back until X time" and then hang up. Every. Single. Time.

Do not deviate from the "script" and as soon as you have finished speaking hang up the phone. Repeat the same thing each and every time and create a clear boundary for yourself. It is not rude to hang up on someone who is disrespecting your boundaries and ignoring your instructions.

I like the idea that a pp suggested, but I would do it the opposite way round.

Instead of telling her you've got a new number (like you say, she can ring both numbers to check.)
New sim card for your phone (new number, everyone get this, parents, carers etc)
Buy a basic £10 phone, put your old sim in (the one you've got now) so you can put it silent or whatever, she can ring it to her hearts content and you're not being annoyed by phone calls.

YANBU but you must set some strict boundaries and tell her to never ring after an agreed time.

Yes I kind of agree with change numbers. Let everyone important know but not her. Or maybe even get a cheaply mobile you can check and call her on once a week if you want to keep some contact.

This is the only way that will work, I think. So many people seem not to realise that you cannot have different settings for different private/withheld numbers.

If you don't want withheld-number calls asking you about hairstyles or who that bloke on the telly is at midnight, but you WOULD want to receive calls from automatically withheld numbers such as hospitals in the middle of night - because these could be extremely important and urgent - your only option is to withhold your own number i.e. not let selfish/nuisance callers know the number.

It's a pain to have to change your number and hen notify everybody, but I can't see any way around it. It's pointless getting a new number on a cheapo phone and telling her it's your new one, as she'll likely cotton on to what you've done (or even just forget), once you only start answering in the daytime, and/or on one particular day each week.

Incidentally, why does she auto-withhold her number when she calls out? Is she just privacy/security conscious or is it that she knows that many of her calls aren't welcome and will be ignored if her number is identifiable?

Personally, I think it's a very selfish thing to do, to decide to routinely withhold your number from people you have called, unless you have very good reason to (if you're a hospital, GP surgery etc.). They're good enough to receive your calls whenever you choose to make them, but somehow not good enough to have any agency in deciding when to answer and when to let it go to voicemail, if they're busy (or if you are an abusive caller - whether in content or frequency/timing of calls).

You haven't blocked her. Be responsible for yourself.

On Android phones it is possable to set different ring tones for different people so as PP said set one for calls you have / want to take like DM DH etc and another very quiet short one for her and us the DND fuction

If she has mental health problems, I doubt she will realise that the call at 4am is payback for her behaviour.

I think your best option is to block her from calling you from iPhone settings, but keep her unblocked on WhatsApp. So you’ll still get texts from the app, but not calls.

Actually, reading all your updates, I would just block her.

Maybe you can unblock her during daylight hours if you want to maintain a relationship, but keep her blocked during the night