To ring this inconsiderate person at 4.30am?

[Lobeu]

I have a relative who calls me multiple times a day (and night) for no reason at all, after answering the phone to her twice this afternoon she called me a third time at 10.30 which I rejected.

11.00pm comes and she's ringing again whilst I'm trying to settle my child for bed after a meltdown (ASD) lasting the best part of two hours.

It's inconsiderate, rude and entitled and I'm sick of it.

She does have (managed) mental health problems but don't plenty of us? I wouldn't dream of it.

I'm genuinely contemplating setting an alarm for the middle of the night and phoning her until she answers.

I can't have my phone on silent because I have an ill parent and I need to answer calls from her carers. I also can't block her number because she calls on withheld (auto setting)

So AIBU?

If changing numbers, please think carefully in case a parent would be likely to give her your new number accidentally or under duress.

“Oh I need Lobeu’s new number to ask her about Christmas/birthday/care arrangement”

And so starts the new cycle.

Ffs, the people saying "just block her, it's simple" clearly haven't RTFT. The aunt calls on a blocked number and OP can't block all withheld numbers in case it's the hospital calling about her mum!

Frankly at this point I'd either absolutely lose my shit with her or go with the suggestion of buying a burner and giving that number to the hospital/GP/carers. If you give your aunt the new number she'll probably keep trying both but if only medical staff have the new number, you can leave the burner on overnight while silencing your personal phone.

I don’t think you need to buy a new phone. I would say to her that hiding her number for personal calls is rude and removes your choice whether to answer at a particular time. And that you will end the call if she rings with a hidden number. Offer to show her how to change her settings.

Then every time she rings just repeat “I’m not taking personal calls from withheld numbers” and end the call.

Then it’s up to her to change her settings if she wants to keep in touch. This will help your mum too.

What about getting a super cheap mobile no frills phone and giving that number to your mum for emergencies and then switching your main mobile off at night?

Yes buy a cheap mobile, give her that number and block her on your actual mobile so if she does ring that nothing happens.

She’s not going to start knocking on the door if you stop answering, is she?

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll is spot on.

Every single time this situation comes up multiple posters always pipe up with "learn to use your phone", "put strangers on silent". Its like cancel the bloody cheque.

The OP then explains why they need to be able to take unknown calls and its met with "surely hospitals/police/carers/medics don't call after " and are then sceptical when told otherwise. Because obviously all these services shut down at 10pm

At one point I was on the powers of attorney for four adults including two very vulnerable. Of course I had late/night calls at times and it was important that I took them. Why should they get reduced care and attention from me because some selfish arsehole can't demonstrate the most basic bit of consideration?

If you don't want withheld-number calls asking you about hairstyles or who that bloke on the telly is at midnight, but you WOULD want to receive calls from automatically withheld numbers such as hospitals in the middle of night - because these could be extremely important and urgent - your only option is to withhold your own number i.e. not let selfish/nuisance callers know the number

I hate to say it OP but when I was getting endless nuisance calls in this situation I resorted to an extra phone. One was "general, anyone random gets the number" and the other was strictly controlled people and the contact number for emergencies where I had responsibility.

Its not ideal - it costs money, its inconvenient, relies on nobody sharing the contact number even accidentally and is entirely incurred because of the selfishness of others (both the callers and those who freely share your number).

I'm going to buy a cheap burner phone later today then will decide which number to divert her to.

As much as she does have MH problems I don't think the incessant calls are necessarily a byproduct of that, she has said herself in the past that she can be selfish and I'm inclined to think it's about entitlement as opposed to MH.

She knows who she can and can't do it to, she used to do it to my other aunt until her DH got pissed off and put his foot down because she was disturbing him in his home office when he was working. She doesn't do that anymore.

I don't appear to have the same 'authority' though, she sees me as the baby of the family therefore she can do what she likes.

In your contact list find her name, click on 3 dots then choose all calls to voicemail

Answer, say "who's calling please?" When she says "oh its auntie dot love" say "is it an emergency, have you had an accident?" When she says no, say "I'm in bed/kids are in bed, dont call me at this time please, gotta go, night".

You're not obliged to have a conversation because you've answered the phone.

@Lobeu Maybe just turn off the ringer during the night, so that if your relative or anyone else calls, they can still leave a message?

When you get calls from hospital/doctors/caters etc would they call multiple times until they get an answer? If so, on iPhones you can set do not disturb but if the same number calls more than 3 times (I think) it then comes through. Caveat, I'm not sure if it works with with held numbers, so you'd need to check.

I think your plan of a phone just for her is the best option, particularly if you can get hold of her phone under the guise of putting it in for her so you can delete the old number.

Put your phone on silent?

Put your phone on silent?

Read the OP's posts?

Cancel the bloody cheque.

I wouldn’t be swapping SIMs etc.

Tell her what is appropriate, set the boundaries of times to ring, follow up every time she rings outside those times, ‘auntie is it an emergency, if not I’ll speak to you tomorrow, goodbye.’ Learn the script and use it relentlessly. She will get the message. You need to be firm and consistent, maybe even tell her you will change you number if she doesn’t follow the rules.

I know you can’t block her as she is caller withheld, but why has she withheld her number? If it’s to get away with calls like this then it is time to change your number.

She has a mobile only, but the staff at her sheltered accommodation do have an office landline there's no reason for them to block their landline - my father was in two care homes and they didn't block their numbers, and neither did the warden at the sheltered accommodation he was in.

The problem with getting a new number is that someone will accidently give it to her yes this.

Does her name begin with G? This is very similar to someone i know. If so, I have every sympathy and think you have the patience of a Saint.

Favourite the number you need to be alerted to. Then set up do not disturb on your phone, allowing only favourite contacts to be heard when they call.

Nvm, I RTFT now. Burner phone sounds like a good plan. Or just block her and set yourself free.

Put your phone on do not disturb WHEN you need to not be disturbed
burner phone
turn blocking on / off when it suits you.

I had a relative 8 timezones away who rang at 3am type times; we unplugged the phone overnight.

I hope you feel better & have lots of ideas now.

Change the settings on your phone. I can put my phone on silence/do not disturb but it will allow calls from my dad. Just do that.

I was in a not totally dissimilar position (the person also had MH problems), the relief I gained from phasing them out and then breaking contact completely was immense.

I get that it might be more difficult as this person is also known to the family. But you need to think of yourself and also your own children. Or perhaps say that as a result of the children's needs (including ASD) you are no longer able to have frequent contact as you are overwhelmed, which is true. And just see her at the monthly contacts via your mum (if that?!)

I feel your pain. I have someone similar in my huge extended family. She does it to everyone I eventually found out. She lives with three generations in one house so not alone. I was fine until she increased her communication to about two hours a day and I have a disabled child.

She is my husbands second cousin. She turned 21 and invited the entire family, all the second cousins except us. So I just realised I had turned into her therapist. I made my replies a bit less and less instant and shorter and she eventually backed off to another cousin who is more able to ask what her action plan is to start to improve her situation. It is hard, but you cant pour from a empty jug

You say you have already been NC with this aunt. In your shoes, I'd go NC again, this time for good. So what if she pulls the sympathy card? It's not as though she adds anything meaningful to your life, in fact she's making you resentful and on edge and is having a negative impact on your family life and your own mental health.

And how come she knows you have a hospital appointment in January? Grey rock her and don't share personal details with her. If necessary, tell your parents the same if she's trying to obtain information from them.