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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ring this inconsiderate person at 4.30am?

166 replies

Lobeu · 18/12/2020 23:31

I have a relative who calls me multiple times a day (and night) for no reason at all, after answering the phone to her twice this afternoon she called me a third time at 10.30 which I rejected.

11.00pm comes and she's ringing again whilst I'm trying to settle my child for bed after a meltdown (ASD) lasting the best part of two hours.

It's inconsiderate, rude and entitled and I'm sick of it.

She does have (managed) mental health problems but don't plenty of us? I wouldn't dream of it.

I'm genuinely contemplating setting an alarm for the middle of the night and phoning her until she answers.

I can't have my phone on silent because I have an ill parent and I need to answer calls from her carers. I also can't block her number because she calls on withheld (auto setting)

So AIBU?

OP posts:
nosswith · 19/12/2020 08:40

I would go with the separate phone and number for those who genuinely need to call you at all hours.

Perhaps those who are managing her mental health issues need to be aware of this behaviour. Were it someone else it could be deemed to be nuisance calls or come within various laws related to stalking.

CandyLeBonBon · 19/12/2020 08:42

I second the cheap burner phone option, but use THAT as a hotline for dm/hospital/medical phone calls so that you can put your personal phone on silent overnight.

cologne4711 · 19/12/2020 08:46

Can you explain to your parent's carers what is happening, get a cheap phone with a new number (or use a landline no if you have one) and give them that number? The only issue is that it could take a while to trickle through and they might still use the old one.

Do the carers always phone from withheld numbers? Does your parent have a landline, would they call from that if they turned up and there was a problem?

LannieDuck · 19/12/2020 08:55

I second those who say stop being nice. You've asked her to respect some boundaries, politely and kindly, and she ignores it. So be blunt.

Every time she calls you in the evening, as soon as you hear her voice, exclaim "I've asked you not to call at this time, don't do it" and hang up, then later you can escalate to "You're being incredibly rude. Stop calling me" and hang up etc. I also like the suggestion to stick to a one-sentence script (and hang up) every time she calls out of hours - like training a toddler.

But honestly... it sounds like a lot of effort. I would go NC.

NotSorry · 19/12/2020 09:00

All this palava.... get a new number, put it on DND (she can’t the person is withholding the number), get a second sim, get a new phone, block her etc. etc.

Seriously OP, someone suggested upthread - if it’s not convenient, hang up every single time. I would give her one warning. “Relative, please don’t keep calling at xx time, otherwise I will have to hang up” and then do it. Then if she continues, go no contact.

NotSorry · 19/12/2020 09:01

*palaver

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 19/12/2020 09:01

What age is the person?

If they’re of possible dementia age, could be that.,

At the worst point my Dm was ringing my poor brother up to 30 times in one hour. She simply couldn’t remember that she’d only just rung him.

Original poster
Lobeu · 19/12/2020 09:06

Thank you all for taking the time to reply.

I did have a landline but not any longer, you can guess why that is.

Carers/hospital/GP do call from a private number the majority of the time which is why I've not been able to block incoming calls from withheld.

I think getting a cheap basic phone is a good idea and probably the only thing that'll work.

I have told her countless times but it doesn't sink in and often results in her being offended and painting me black, so to speak.

She does have MH problems but is on medication and receives alot of support with it, not to play the woe is me card but I have anxiety and depression myself and I'm not in a position to deal with the volume of calls.

It's not just me she does it to, she also does it to my DM knowing full well she's in poor health and needs her rest.

Unfortunately it does make me resentful and serves only to make me not want to speak to her at all when prior to all of this I would happily see her once a week or so for lunch or coffee.

She claims she doesn't know why her number shows as withheld but it's pretty obvious she does it deliberately so people don't know it's her calling.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lobeu · 19/12/2020 09:07

She's in her early 60's and as sharp as a button, though she does have bipolar (has had it for decades)

OP posts:
cologne4711 · 19/12/2020 09:15

I have anxiety and depression myself and I'm not in a position to deal with the volume of calls

I don't have anxiety and depression and I wouldn't be able to deal with that volume of calls. Or even one call. Anyone who called me in the middle of the night to ask something inane would not enjoy the reaction they got (unless they get a kick out of being told to F off).

GPs etc won't call at night though OP so you don't need to worry about them. You need to talk to the carers. You didn't reply about whether your parent has a landline - can you ask them to always use that if they have one? They shouldn't really be using their own mobiles anyway (unless they are work-provided). Or could you give your parent a cheap mobile and tell the carers to use that if they ever have to contact you and say you need to know who's calling.

If your parent is in hospital you will know that. but even then I think it unlikely they'd call you in the middle of the night unless something was very seriously wrong.

Whenwillow · 19/12/2020 09:16

How often do you get urgent calls about your mother? I understand you wanting to be available, but she does have carers, and if it's the hospital calling that means she in there and safe, presumably. So what, realistically, do you expect to be able to do for her that they can't?
I only ask because it's all to easy to fall into the trap of thinking it's got to be you, and no other, to run to her aid.
Best wishes - it all sounds very difficult Flowers

NotSorry · 19/12/2020 09:16

I have told her countless times but it doesn't sink in and often results in her being offended and painting me black, so to speak

But that’s HER problem. You have to stop caring OP otherwise you won’t be able to deal with it. If people try to raise it with you, then tell them the truth.

The only person you can control is you. Take back control.

Whenwillow · 19/12/2020 09:17

I cross posted with cologne and agree with the other points they made.

CardoMondo · 19/12/2020 09:19

Just answer the phone once a day and make it clear you will be busy for the rest of the day and say “speak tomorrow, bye!”

Dropdeadfred2 · 19/12/2020 09:19

Do you ever visit her in person? If so id ask for her phone to input your new number for her and just delete your existing one...

SchrodingersImmigrant · 19/12/2020 09:24

I think she knows what she is doing and that's why she calls from witheld number tbh.

It's absolutely understandable why you are angry. Especially if she does it to DM. Reading your updates, I would treat it as a harassment it is and change my and DM's numbers, wouldn't give her the new ones. You can keep old one too and that's where she would call. It's a hassle, but ot seems it's eaiser to change number everywhere than deal with this. And she could easily realise that the new number you've given her is decoy. So new one goes to everyone else.

Original poster
Lobeu · 19/12/2020 09:30

Sorry I missed the question asking if my DM has a land line, no she doesn't.

She has a mobile only, but the staff at her sheltered accommodation do have an office landline.

It has been difficult for me to cut her off completely as she's very close to my DM but I'm beyond tired of it now. Mum feels sorry for her as she thinks she (her sister) relies heavily on her support so there's no way she would cut her off herself.

I see her in person approx once a month (through mum)

OP posts:
SpiderGwen · 19/12/2020 09:30

Who cares if she gets offended and “paints you black”?

The rest of the family know what she’s like, they won’t think badly of you.

“I have asked you not to call. I’m hanging up now.”
Rinse, repeat.

PuckyMup · 19/12/2020 09:34

@Dropdeadfred2

Do you ever visit her in person? If so id ask for her phone to input your new number for her and just delete your existing one...
And unwithold her number so you can actually block her
oakleaffy · 19/12/2020 09:34

@Lobeu

I'm not able to block withheld numbers completely as hospital/GP/HV/Paediatrican all call on a private number, that's why it's a massive PITA Sad

I'm probably going to have to change my number which will be a nuisance, all because of one entitled person.

Urgh...what a pain. I missed an important call because I had blocked ''unknown numbers''...The GP's surgery called me from an unknown number, so the call was not allowed through.

Maybe changing your number will be a good idea, BUT telling everyone your new number can be a nuisance.

I'd just say to her ''DO NOT CALL ME after 9pm or whenever.

I remember a thread like this from recently..seven hours with a whining relative?

She is taking the utter piss.

FamilyOfAliens · 19/12/2020 09:39

I think you’ve had some good suggestions on here and it seems you’ve decided you need to get another phone. Hopefully this will resolve the problem.

But you do need to work on your assertiveness, OP. Don’t be a doormat.

RantyAnty · 19/12/2020 09:45

The problem with getting a new number is that someone will accidently give it to her.

Can you give your DHs number to carers etc. as an alternate number to call? If there is some emergency after hours, then he can let you know.

Labobo · 19/12/2020 10:12

Give her her own calming ringtone. Then you know it is her and can ignore it without the tone jangling your nerves. Only pick up once every three days a d only when convenient to you.

oneglassandpuzzled · 19/12/2020 10:15

Can you block her number between eight Pm and eight am and unblock during the day?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 19/12/2020 10:15

I'd just block her, tbh.