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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ring this inconsiderate person at 4.30am?

166 replies

Lobeu · 18/12/2020 23:31

I have a relative who calls me multiple times a day (and night) for no reason at all, after answering the phone to her twice this afternoon she called me a third time at 10.30 which I rejected.

11.00pm comes and she's ringing again whilst I'm trying to settle my child for bed after a meltdown (ASD) lasting the best part of two hours.

It's inconsiderate, rude and entitled and I'm sick of it.

She does have (managed) mental health problems but don't plenty of us? I wouldn't dream of it.

I'm genuinely contemplating setting an alarm for the middle of the night and phoning her until she answers.

I can't have my phone on silent because I have an ill parent and I need to answer calls from her carers. I also can't block her number because she calls on withheld (auto setting)

So AIBU?

OP posts:
BethlehemIsInTier1 · 19/12/2020 03:35

The things people write about on here lol! Just block her, it's that simple.

sofiaaaaaa · 19/12/2020 03:38

Oh wait, she calls on withheldHmm weirdo, in that case all you can do is answer the calls and immediately hang up. Make an excuse so she doesn’t call back.

Teddybear27 · 19/12/2020 04:08

I think I would start going no contact. She obviously, for whatever reason, cannot or will not respect your wishes and if she is not prepared to listen I would be blocking her full stop. She sounds like she has MH issues. It is not normal to call someone this amount of times and it sounds like you have had enough...

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/12/2020 04:50

I think you should consider swearing at her if it will make her go away. Whatever tactic works. She’s incredibly rude and causing you a lot of distress. I also agree changing your number is most likely the only way. How stressful for you. Sad

inquietant · 19/12/2020 04:56

This is very stressful but I was taught two wrongs don't make a right so put the effort into limiting when they can contact you instead.

I read this in your op She does have (managed) mental health problems but don't plenty of us? I wouldn't dream of it. and thought - they don't seem that well managed, so I would put it down to MH probably.

SpudulikaSlob · 19/12/2020 05:16

Next time you see her, get hold of the phone and smash it to bits turn the withheld number function off. Then her number will come through.
Good idea about the cheap mobile too.

wirldsgonemad · 19/12/2020 05:36

@MyOtherProfile

You need to set boundaries. Say you like hearing from her but because of other commitments you need to ask her to only call between x and y times otherwise you won't be able to answer. Talk to her and explain why you are doing this.
I agree with this
dangerrabbit · 19/12/2020 06:26

Can you buy a cheap mobile and give the number to your mum and her carers, leave that one on sound and your normal mobile on silent all the time?

TheDaydreamBelievers · 19/12/2020 06:50

Does this person have any additional learning needs? For people with learning needs, they can struggle to recall rules or inhibit the impulse to call. This can also be the case with severe MH difficulties.

I think other posters are onto something - find a way so you know when its here (DND list, burner phone) and keep rock solid boundaries about when you can talk to her

Nannewnannew · 19/12/2020 06:59

Please don’t phone her at 04.30 as this could backfire by her thinking “oh good Lobeu is awake at this time” and then she’ll be wringing you during the night as well!
You have my sympathy and I think you’ve had some good suggestions from pps.

bonzo77 · 19/12/2020 07:05

Her withholding her number is calculated. She knows you don’t want to speak to her. She’s inconsiderate and manipulative. Lots of people with mental health problems don’t behave like this. You can have mental health problems in addition to being an arse.

If you can cope with calling her out, do it. Either she stops withholding her number or you (secretly) change your number.

satnighttakeaway · 19/12/2020 07:18

The obvious solution, and I knowit's alrady been suggested a couple of times is a separate phone and number for the important calls and turn your own phone off when you don't want to speak to her. You could do dual SIM but isn't that quite expensive? A fiver a month and a cheap 2nd phone sounds like it would be well worth it.

Beautiful3 · 19/12/2020 07:23

Just get a new phone & number. Keep the old one on silent.

ThelmaNotLouise · 19/12/2020 07:25

Definitely get a pay-as-you-go burner phone just for her and tell her your old number has been cut off. There is a risk she'll trying ringing the old one still, but she sounds like such a narcissist she probably won't.

Is she your sister by any chance?

ThelmaNotLouise · 19/12/2020 07:27

But I would also let rip at her, as a PP has suggested. Maybe she needs to appreciate how angry you are that she rings you late at night.

Moondust001 · 19/12/2020 07:37

@Lobeu

I'm not able to block withheld numbers completely as hospital/GP/HV/Paediatrican all call on a private number, that's why it's a massive PITA Sad

I'm probably going to have to change my number which will be a nuisance, all because of one entitled person.

If you are thinking of doing that, why not buy a cheap phone / sim and tell this one person that you have changed phones and give her that number to call. Then you can turn that on to silent.
CaveMum · 19/12/2020 07:39

She sounds like a nightmare, how does she know you have a hospital appointment in January?! Don’t give her so many details about your life.

madcatladyforever · 19/12/2020 07:45

I dont have a landline just a mobile so I can put pests into the contacts. When their names flash up I just ignore them.

FarquarKumquatsmama · 19/12/2020 07:49

Why not just not pick up?
Why not tell her the times you are free to chat?
Why not pick up and say quickly that now is not a good time?
Why not send a text instead of answering phone?
She has MH problems ffs. Maybe they are not managed as well as you think. It’s a hard time for people at the moment. You are being mean.

Member984815 · 19/12/2020 08:10

I've someone like this in my life too, it's constant nonsense phonecalls. If they don't get answered it's messages on all social media platforms , I've stopped answering unless I have time to answer,. They never consider that I'm busy with something. They would like me to prioritize them over my own family . Covid has given me time away and better perspective on our interactions

Anniegetyourgun · 19/12/2020 08:21

Mean? I'd be bloody mean if someone kept ringing at all hours and woke my baby. I think OP is being astonishingly kind. She's only thinking about doing something kind of petty, she wasn't going to do it (mainly because it wouldn't work, otherwise I'd be recommending it!). I'd be going for the firm non-engaging answer and phone down every time approach, no guarantees it would work of course. But in my heart I would be wanting to kill her. Sleep deprivation is classified by the UN as torture for a reason.

"Why not block her" seems to be the new "cancel the cheque". The woman is clearly wise to this, probably because of all the other relatives who did it before, and withholds her number. OP cannot ignore withheld numbers because emergency services also do this, for sound practical reasons, and she has reason to believe they may need to call. Does that cover everything she already said in the very first post in this thread? Hmm

Tzimi · 19/12/2020 08:23

@Lobeu I'm sorry to say I've called & texted friends repeatedly before, although not in the middle of the night! Usually, this is because I've been going through a rough time & have had a lot of anxiety. I'm not saying it's a good thing, I'm aware that it was probably very irritating for the other person, but just pointing out that your relative is probably feeling very anxious when she calls you...

Seriouslyconfused3 · 19/12/2020 08:34

If you can’t do dnd then you need to reject the call every single time. Yes you’ll still be disturbed at first but you need to make it clear you won’t answer between certain times

Toddlerteaplease · 19/12/2020 08:36

If you have an iPhone you can set it to do not disturb, but will allow calls from your favourites list.

SwanShaped · 19/12/2020 08:37

God I feel for you. I’ve had this for years too. No amount of reasoning makes any difference What I wish I’d done is buy a cheap mobile and give the number just to her. Then you can switch it off at night. And never ever ever give out your landline number!