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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or is this message inappropriate?

198 replies

messagemonkey · 18/12/2020 21:05

I'm currently off work with covid one of my colleagues was asking in a team WhatsApp how I was doing, I said I was much better and in mentioning loss of taste etc I mentioned that I'd been off food a bit and had lost some weight, it was said quite jokingly in the context of the conversation.

Anyway, one of my colleagues messaged me out of the group chat to say he's glad I'm feeling better and that I definitely don't need to lose weight. He's my mentor as I only started in September and although the same job I did before it's a different department. He has messaged me separately from the group chat before but generally about work, the odd are you having a nice weekend type thing, we're not overly friendly. I replied thanks and that the weight thing was only said jokingly.
Then he replied, I'd say your body is about perfect in my opinion.
I feel really uncomfortable with that second part of the message. I haven't replied and I'm really not sure if I should or not. Part of me wants to say that's inappropriate I'd rather you not message me like that, but am I being over dramatic?

We're both in relationships too. I've got a partner and two young dc, he's around 10 years older than me and married with dc.

OP posts:

Original poster

messagemonkey · 22/12/2020 09:01

I feel a bit on edge today. I think the manager will speak to him today as it's his last day in work. I'm hoping he doesn't message me at all, he'd be stupid to wouldn't he? I won't respond if he does, will just send a copy to my manager. But I feel torn at being thankful I'm not in work so don't have to deal with him, but also wishing I was so I could see his reaction and so he couldn't get his 'side' across to our colleagues.

OP posts:

Eckhart · 22/12/2020 10:22

wishing I was so I could see his reaction and so he couldn't get his 'side' across to our colleagues

Careful of engaging in drama. Regardless of what he says and regardless of what you see him do, you just need to take care of your own actions, now. No further engagement with him except professionally. It's very undramatic, very calm, very composed. Maintain your dignity. You will be very pleased you did, in the future, and you will be regarded with respect by those who know what happened, even if they know it from his side.

Eckhart · 22/12/2020 10:23

Not surprised you feel on edge though. He's injected a little bit of toxicity into your life, and it'll take a little while to wear off.

Yeahnahmum · 22/12/2020 10:25

Innapropriate? Yup
Ignore the message

Original poster

messagemonkey · 22/12/2020 10:35

Yes what I've written sounds wrong @Eckhart. I wasn't meaning for drama though, but so I know what to expect. If I was in work and I knew he'd been in with the manager but came out and spoke as normal/professionally with me I'd feel that was that. I don't really like the not knowing.

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MrsPaddyGrant · 22/12/2020 10:43

Don't ignore it - just message saying you'd rather him not make such personal comments. Best to nip it in the bud - he's over stepped the mark and its inappropriate from a work colleague.

yellowhighheels · 22/12/2020 11:37

Well done for telling him to stop messaging that sort of thing and for escalating it, OP. it's so easy not to want to risk 'rocking the boat' and just leave it but you did the right thing. If he had genuinely misjudged things and thought you were interested, your first response would have been enough to set him straight. Carrying on replying just shows his level of entitlement.

BitOfFun · 22/12/2020 19:37

I think you've handled this really well, @messagemonkey. Hopefully he will be spoken to, and now his sleaziness has been flagged, he will be less likely to try it on with other female colleagues.

Djouce · 22/12/2020 23:24

@BitOfFun

I think you've handled this really well, *@messagemonkey*. Hopefully he will be spoken to, and now his sleaziness has been flagged, he will be less likely to try it on with other female colleagues.

I agree with this. You’ve done everything right, *@messagemonkey*, and although you’re feeling on edge about this, take comfort in the fact that you’re not just insisting on your individual right not to be sexually harassed at work, but also other women’s.

WotWouldCJDo · 23/12/2020 06:55

Innapropriate? Yup Ignore the message

Why,why, why do people do that??

OP I think you’ve handled a difficult situation very well.

Original poster

messagemonkey · 26/12/2020 15:56

Thank you all. Tiny update as fortunately nothing to report. He posted merry Christmas on a Instagram picture of me Dp and kids. No other messages etc but my boss spoke to him and he said I'd misunderstood he was just being friendly. My boss said he told him he'd seen the messages and that I could take things further if I wish and that he'd support me in that and he said he'll be sure to keep things professional only.

So hopefully that's the end of that.

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JacobReesMogadishu · 26/12/2020 16:06

Can you block him from your Instagram? Or is it not possible to block individuals like on fb?

Hopefully now he knows you told your boss it will stop. But it gives me the rage that he tries to deny it all and say it’s all in your head like you’re some silly little woman who has misunderstood.

greenspacesoverthere · 26/12/2020 16:40

I really don't think it's appropriate to have work conversations on social media and I include WhatsApp

I would only ever have a work conversation on my work email

Much safer that way Imo and much more professional

Gonkytonk · 26/12/2020 16:56

Block him on Instagram and Facebook.

Original poster

messagemonkey · 26/12/2020 16:56

I can @JacobReesMogadishu. I very rarely post on it though, the last time before yesterday was when I was pregnant with Dd and she's over one. Dp
Just got a nice photo of the 4 of us (harder than you'd imagine with a 2&1year old) and suggested I post it as we weren't seeing friends & family in person this year.

@greenspacesoverthere, the work group chat is more social than work related. But we do sometimes need to contact each other out of work hours or when we're not at the computer. We do have work phones but mine hardly keeps it's charge and I'm happy to have calls/messages from colleagues on my personal phone and just use my work one for clients.

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Incogenie · 26/12/2020 17:17

Did you know he was following you on instagram? I would definitely block him even if you don't often post. Keeping it strictly professional shouldn't include following and commenting on instagram

Original poster

messagemonkey · 26/12/2020 17:21

Yes @Incogenie. He requested me when I first started with as did most other colleagues. Do you think it seems petty if I have other colleagues? He's never dm'd me on their or anything. The Merry Christmas comment followed a few other colleagues who posted similar. I didn't respond to it at all, but didn't to anyone's really other than a good friend who commented on my lack of posting.

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NoGoodPunsLeft · 26/12/2020 18:42

Do you think it seems petty if I have other colleagues?

Who cares, the guy is a creep who should be blocked

GreenlandTheMovie · 26/12/2020 19:13

It is a bit unwise of him to comment on your social media immediately after a formal warning at work for contacting you inappopriately. He seems to be acting a little erratically because he knows he's in trouble and is trying to cover it up as some kind of normal contact between you.

I would have expected him to have completely ignored you outside all work related communications. The man is a complete idiot, and a liability to his employers. I wonder if he has previous form for similar, possibly with other employers.

Do you know how long he has been working there?

Original poster

messagemonkey · 26/12/2020 19:48

I was thinking it was a kind of 'no hard feelings' comment @GreenlandTheMovie. But maybe I'm being too generous to him. He has commented on other colleagues similar posts, so if wasn't unusual and it was a family pic of me with Dp and the Dc.

He's worked there 15 years. I've not heard any tummies of anything happening/being said but obviously don't know for certain.

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Original poster

messagemonkey · 26/12/2020 20:13

Apologies for autocorrect! I was typing those replies while feeding a wriggling one year old.
Tummies was supposed to be rumours! 😂

OP posts:

Gonkytonk · 26/12/2020 21:25

You’re doing what women are conditioned to do:

Do you think it seems petty if I have other colleagues?

Why are you considering his feelings when he’s certainly not considered yours? Women often do this. Put themselves at more risk of bad interactions because they don’t want to appear rude or hurt feelings! FFS! Stop it and take basic blocking steps to protect yourself!

billy1966 · 27/12/2020 12:36

@Gonkytonk

You’re doing what women are conditioned to do:

Do you think it seems petty if I have other colleagues?

Agree.

Block him and do not give him another thought.

He is slime.

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