Or is this message inappropriate?

[messagemonkey]

I'm currently off work with covid one of my colleagues was asking in a team WhatsApp how I was doing, I said I was much better and in mentioning loss of taste etc I mentioned that I'd been off food a bit and had lost some weight, it was said quite jokingly in the context of the conversation.

Anyway, one of my colleagues messaged me out of the group chat to say he's glad I'm feeling better and that I definitely don't need to lose weight. He's my mentor as I only started in September and although the same job I did before it's a different department. He has messaged me separately from the group chat before but generally about work, the odd are you having a nice weekend type thing, we're not overly friendly. I replied thanks and that the weight thing was only said jokingly.
Then he replied, I'd say your body is about perfect in my opinion.
I feel really uncomfortable with that second part of the message. I haven't replied and I'm really not sure if I should or not. Part of me wants to say that's inappropriate I'd rather you not message me like that, but am I being over dramatic?

We're both in relationships too. I've got a partner and two young dc, he's around 10 years older than me and married with dc.

He's still not getting it. I think telling him you're showing his messages to your bloke should put a stop to it. It's just a pain that these men overstep and don't knock it off when told.

If his apology had been unreserved I would have left it there.

The fact that even in the apology he’s pushing boundaries would tip me over to ignoring him completely and sending screen shots to HR.

Don’t respond. Speak to your manager or HR. By responding now you’re inviting more discourse.

This so isn’t on. I’m pretty laid back and could have just about ignored the drunk stuff (though would still avoid like the plague in future). However that non- apology is what would make me furious.

Inappropriate, take a screen shot and save it just in case he does it again.

I've saved all the messages. I'm not sure about going the HR route, I've spoken to them about a issue in my previous job but as it wasn't in work or about work they weren't particularly helpful and it just made things awkward.

I was thinking of sending a message that clearly states I'm not in anyway interested in anything. But I'm struggling to write something that doesn't come across as me making excuses for him, I tried writing that maybe he'd mistaken my friendliness as something more or like I'm saying it's because I'm/we're in relationships as obviously that's relevant but if I weren't I'd still have zero interest in him.

I kinda want to put, I'm sorry but you're almost 15 years older than me and really not what I'd consider attractive. Your good qualities were that you seemed like a genuinely nice man and committed husband, you no longer have that going for you. Just so it's perfectly clear I'm not interested in you, nor will I ever be. But I feel that's probably just me being horrid as I'm cross.

Id say even the first comment was out of order, that was a tester- the second was sackable territory for me

Maybe just keep it simple?

"You're mistaken. You are my professional mentor. I hope this is clear and that contact in future will remain professional."

@EvelynSalt

Maybe just keep it simple?

"You're mistaken. You are my professional mentor. I hope this is clear and that contact in future will remain professional."

Agree!! This is a much better message. Keep it short & simple.

You don't need to lose weight is a bit misjudged but OK - your body is perfect is way over the line.

Yes, he's being OTT.

But I'd ignore it, cold grey wall. No more personal exchanges. If he has half a brain he'll know why you've gone silent and be silently relieved you saved him from making an idiot of himself.

Or if he tries again, you just reply " You're making an idiot of yourself, and embarrassing me. Stop now. "

Yes, use EvelynSalt's message. But do report him to HR. He is sexually harassing you in the workplace. You've told him you're not interested and he's still doing it.

I agree, just keep it very simple. "Please let's keep to professional contact only" Then ignore any comeback from him.

Seriously don’t say anything such as sorry or please. Or anything in any way personal.
Just “you are mistaken. Do not contact me”.

I have had worse from colleagues. This is nothing. Pleased he apologised.

FFS even in a place full of other women theres pathetic excuses and minimising going on,

ooooooooo hes apologised. So fucking what?

@itsgettingaberrylikechristmas

I have had worse from colleagues. This is nothing. Pleased he apologised.

And attitudes like this are WHY you've had worse. The more women say nothing, the bolder they get.

Sorry, that's ambiguous. Should've said, 'The more women say nothing, the bolder the office slimeballs get.'

@messagemonkey

I've saved all the messages. I'm not sure about going the HR route, I've spoken to them about a issue in my previous job but as it wasn't in work or about work they weren't particularly helpful and it just made things awkward.

I was thinking of sending a message that clearly states I'm not in anyway interested in anything. But I'm struggling to write something that doesn't come across as me making excuses for him, I tried writing that maybe he'd mistaken my friendliness as something more or like I'm saying it's because I'm/we're in relationships as obviously that's relevant but if I weren't I'd still have zero interest in him.

I kinda want to put, I'm sorry but you're almost 15 years older than me and really not what I'd consider attractive. Your good qualities were that you seemed like a genuinely nice man and committed husband, you no longer have that going for you. Just so it's perfectly clear I'm not interested in you, nor will I ever be. But I feel that's probably just me being horrid as I'm cross.

I wouldn’t offer any commentary on his appearance, positive or negative - nothing to suggest you’ve ever thought about or reflected on his (lack of) attractiveness. That in itself is gratifying to saddos like these men.

Would keep it very brief: ‘Your comments were highly uprofessional and I’m not going to dignify them with a response - but I’m sure you already know that. Moving forward, please message me about work-related matters only. Thanks’.

The 'but' in that message turned that so-called apology into further harrassment and fishing, with a nice side dish of 'Not my fault, here's a hint that in my opinion you've been leading me on'

Absolute wanker.

I would either reply 'We have not. Please never contact me again unless directly work related.' - or, don't reply at all. Certainly no nice 'explainy' messages.

Please go to HR with the lot and explain that the line was absolutely crossed permanently when his 'apology' turned into further pushing and hinting at an inappropriate relationship. Official complaint time, PLEASE.

That's not an apology; it's an excuse. He literally said, 'Sorry, but'.

Just ignore and block if necessary. Why do you keep replying?

@messagemonkey

I've saved all the messages. I'm not sure about going the HR route, I've spoken to them about a issue in my previous job but as it wasn't in work or about work they weren't particularly helpful and it just made things awkward.

I was thinking of sending a message that clearly states I'm not in anyway interested in anything. But I'm struggling to write something that doesn't come across as me making excuses for him, I tried writing that maybe he'd mistaken my friendliness as something more or like I'm saying it's because I'm/we're in relationships as obviously that's relevant but if I weren't I'd still have zero interest in him.

I kinda want to put, I'm sorry but you're almost 15 years older than me and really not what I'd consider attractive. Your good qualities were that you seemed like a genuinely nice man and committed husband, you no longer have that going for you. Just so it's perfectly clear I'm not interested in you, nor will I ever be. But I feel that's probably just me being horrid as I'm cross.

Why do you feel you have to go into detail about your feelings? This isn't about your qualities, it's about his.

What's wrong with something like 'Your texts have been totally inappropriate. I have kept a copy of them, and if you ever behave in that way towards me again I will report you.'?

@messagemonkey

Morning, I sent a message earlier saying it was very inappropriate and in future can only message me if it's work related.

I've had a quite long apologetic message back, he said he'd been drinking that he doesn't know where that came from and he'd never want me to feel uncomfortable, he's very sorry and so on.
BUT, he then says he's felt we've been getting closer.

There's definitely been no getting closer, I'm friendly to him as I am all my colleagues but he's not even one of the ones I get on best with.

Thats why its actually better not to engage. These idiots (and he is an idiot to risk his job with this nonsense) use any response at all as a sign they are chatting to you outside work. They all think women are stupid and desperate and will fall for any male interest.

Then when they come back (as they will), you can report it to HR.

How awful and annoying to be texted by a drunk work colleague repeatedly outwith working hours.

@Suzi888

Just ignore and block if necessary. Why do you keep replying?

@Suzi888 because she works with him ...