Or is this message inappropriate?

[messagemonkey]

I'm currently off work with covid one of my colleagues was asking in a team WhatsApp how I was doing, I said I was much better and in mentioning loss of taste etc I mentioned that I'd been off food a bit and had lost some weight, it was said quite jokingly in the context of the conversation.

Anyway, one of my colleagues messaged me out of the group chat to say he's glad I'm feeling better and that I definitely don't need to lose weight. He's my mentor as I only started in September and although the same job I did before it's a different department. He has messaged me separately from the group chat before but generally about work, the odd are you having a nice weekend type thing, we're not overly friendly. I replied thanks and that the weight thing was only said jokingly.
Then he replied, I'd say your body is about perfect in my opinion.
I feel really uncomfortable with that second part of the message. I haven't replied and I'm really not sure if I should or not. Part of me wants to say that's inappropriate I'd rather you not message me like that, but am I being over dramatic?

We're both in relationships too. I've got a partner and two young dc, he's around 10 years older than me and married with dc.

I would be so.tempted to reply telling him to fuck off & leave me alone, he can't exactly complain can he!

Realistically keep the messages & tell your manager, hopefully he handles it as opposed to minimising it as others on here have.

He's trying to get you to say something that makes it look like he had grounds to think you were interested in case you make a complaint. So if you say, 'Sorry if you've misunderstood my friendliness but...' he's got a defence if you bring a complaint.

I'd reply, 'I've done nothing at all that would reasonably be construed as my wishing for anything other than a professional relationship with you. Can we now please keep things professional as I requested- this is making me uncomfortable.'

Hopefully that'd put the frighteners on him and he'd think twice before doing it with someone else. I think I would leave it there though and not bring it up beyond that unless he continued.

@FestiveStuffing

He's trying to get you to say something that makes it look like he had grounds to think you were interested in case you make a complaint. So if you say, 'Sorry if you've misunderstood my friendliness but...' he's got a defence if you bring a complaint.

I'd reply, 'I've done nothing at all that would reasonably be construed as my wishing for anything other than a professional relationship with you. Can we now please keep things professional as I requested- this is making me uncomfortable.'

Hopefully that'd put the frighteners on him and he'd think twice before doing it with someone else. I think I would leave it there though and not bring it up beyond that unless he continued.

I totally agree that this is what he was doing, wanted to say this earlier but wasn't sure how to word it. I agree a response like this will help negate any of his assertions that you had some part in this.

I think if you were to respond line that though, I'd say 'you' instead of 'we'. So, 'can you keep things professional now?' as it removes any suggestion of you being involved.

‘Your comments were highly uprofessional and I’m not going to dignify them with a response - but I’m sure you already know that. Moving forward, please message me about work-related matters only. Thanks’

This is an excellent response. I’d use it. Genuinely surprised how many people are of the ‘put up with it’ school; that’s how people like this get the idea what they’re saying is not unacceptable.

Thank you all. I had another message yesterday I'd not sent anything to him, it just said 'sorry if I've upset you'. I replied saying 'can you please keep thinks professional and only about work, as I requested' and he replied 'that's fine, I expect you to do the same' which I didn't reply to as I've been doing just that.

I've got a catch up with my boss this afternoon so will mention it. I've got all the messages between us since I started work there, not many really at all. But other than his recent ones it's very much what you'd expect between two not particularly close colleagues. There's one where he mentioned a Christmas Day out they'd booked that I'd recommend and I reply that I hope his child enjoys it, but that's as friendly as it gets.
Maybe I'm so out of practise that suggesting family days out is now a come on and I just didn't know.

I replied saying 'can you please keep thinks professional and only about work, as I requested' and he replied 'that's fine, I expect you to do the same' which I didn't reply to as I've been doing just that.

Yeah, he's trying to build a case to say you've been reciprocating his advances. Expect him to invent some way in which you've been coming on to him if challenged.

'I expect you to do the same'!

Cheeky sod. Don't respond, just leave it. He doesn't have a leg to stand on, and you hold all the power, now. He's uncomfortable. Probably roughly as uncomfortable as he should have felt about sending those messages in the first place. Leave him to stew. Everything has been said that needs to be said.

He is an absolute creep!

He sends an unnecessary message about your weight testing the waters. He follows up by pushing it more, then apologises then pushes it more, then apologises but suggests you encouraged him then takes a swipe at you by telling you he expects the same.

He is awful, really awful. Definitely speak to your manager. If your work is not supportive (that HR response to your pregnancy was absolutely shocking) then I would start casually looking around for work elsewhere.

Expect you to do the same? Dickhead. Raise it with your manager and then confirm your conversation by emailing your manager the screenshots of all communication.

@messagemonkey

Thank you all. I had another message yesterday I'd not sent anything to him, it just said 'sorry if I've upset you'. I replied saying 'can you please keep thinks professional and only about work, as I requested' and he replied 'that's fine, I expect you to do the same' which I didn't reply to as I've been doing just that.

I've got a catch up with my boss this afternoon so will mention it. I've got all the messages between us since I started work there, not many really at all. But other than his recent ones it's very much what you'd expect between two not particularly close colleagues. There's one where he mentioned a Christmas Day out they'd booked that I'd recommend and I reply that I hope his child enjoys it, but that's as friendly as it gets.
Maybe I'm so out of practise that suggesting family days out is now a come on and I just didn't know.

He's an experienced creep too. Stop replying to him, because he is using it as an excuse to pretend there's some form of personal contact with you.

Then when you do to to HR, you will have a series of messages from him with no replies to you. It's much easier to prove thats harassment than some form of dialogue between you.

All that overblown, excessively profuse apologising seems to be a style that these creeps adopt. Perhaps there's online creep lessons in how to apologise profusely or something. He will be messaging multiple women like this, not just at work.

The poster who suggested you thank him for apologising - WTAF??

He makes my blood boil. Stay strong, stay classy and deffo tell your manager. I really would suggest you don't message or reply to him at all unless it is necessary.

God he’s an arrogant shite isn’t he? I expect you to do the same? Just ignore him. What a tool.

@AppleKatie

Expect you to do the same? Dickhead. Raise it with your manager and then confirm your conversation by emailing your manager the screenshots of all communication.

Absolutely this. Make sure you protect yourself against his potential allegations. As you know perfectly well, you’ve done nothing at all wrong.

He is a slime and it sounds like he's gearing up to say you led him on. Make sure you don't play down the messages when you speak to your manager. Explain how inappropriate you found them and how uncomfortable they made you feel. I wouldn't want any form of contact with him even professionally now and would ask for another mentor.

that's fine, I expect you to do the same

Oh he's skilled at this, tread very carefully OP.

'that's fine, I expect you to do the same'

Twat. I hope his ego hurts.

euuuuuuugh the loser feels about an inch tall so has to reassert his rank. Soft, little man.

Manager was lovely and I've sent a email with screen shots of the messages, he's going to speak to him. I don't need him mentoring me anymore either so that's good.

Not sure how he could try claim I've led him on at all, but I'll be cautious and won't be messaging him at all or responding to anything unless it's work related and a response is needed there and then.

@messagemonkey

Not sure how he could try claim I've led him on at all, but I'll be cautious and won't be messaging him at all or responding to anything unless it's work related and a response is needed there and then.

Its just a tactic that type of man uses to deflect blame.

You really are best not to get drawn into any form of dialogue with them whatsoever.

I'd be surprised if he hasn't been reported to HR for this before.

Glad your manager was supportive OP.

At the very least you will have marked your card as someone for him to not bother with again at best he will think twice before he tries this on someone else.

Well done!

Well done OP, he is horrible

Well done OP, the cheek of him trying to deflect.

Utter slime.

I bet you are not the first.

What a sneaky little turd