Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is this message inappropriate?

198 replies

messagemonkey · 18/12/2020 21:05

I'm currently off work with covid one of my colleagues was asking in a team WhatsApp how I was doing, I said I was much better and in mentioning loss of taste etc I mentioned that I'd been off food a bit and had lost some weight, it was said quite jokingly in the context of the conversation.

Anyway, one of my colleagues messaged me out of the group chat to say he's glad I'm feeling better and that I definitely don't need to lose weight. He's my mentor as I only started in September and although the same job I did before it's a different department. He has messaged me separately from the group chat before but generally about work, the odd are you having a nice weekend type thing, we're not overly friendly. I replied thanks and that the weight thing was only said jokingly.
Then he replied, I'd say your body is about perfect in my opinion.
I feel really uncomfortable with that second part of the message. I haven't replied and I'm really not sure if I should or not. Part of me wants to say that's inappropriate I'd rather you not message me like that, but am I being over dramatic?

We're both in relationships too. I've got a partner and two young dc, he's around 10 years older than me and married with dc.

OP posts:
k1233 · 18/12/2020 23:03

I wouldn't ignore it. I would either message him back saying "this inappropriate and I will give you the benefit of the doubt this time and not report to HR - however be clear if it occurs again my first call will be HR" or I would just go straight to HR.

If you leave it until morning to respond and there are more messages from him come morning, I'd go straight to HR and not respond to him.

TheCattleGrid · 18/12/2020 23:08

Men are idiots. But we can just ignore their idiocy. This is one of those times.

ohmygodshedoes · 18/12/2020 23:13

''Men are idiots. But we can just ignore their idiocy. This is one of those times.''

How come every time a thread like this pops up it turns into a pit of misandry with venom shooting. 'Man' is an idiot[not 'men' and he does not represent all 3.5 billion males on the planet in the same way an unpleasant female doesn't represent all females.

dairyswim · 18/12/2020 23:14

Men are idiots. But we can just ignore their idiocy. This is one of those times.

Depressing.

OP, I would have given him a warning after the second message but after the "true though", I'd be going straight to HR.

SnoozyLou · 18/12/2020 23:17

I wouldn't reply to that. And yes, it does sound a bit leery 🤢 He would go down in my estimations for that.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 18/12/2020 23:24

I think you do need to report him to HR. It’s the mentor part that tipped the scales for me - the power balance is off. And I wouldn’t feel safe or comfortable working with him one on one after this. Men who get away with inappropriate comments often are emboldened to move on to physical harassment.

longcoffeebreak · 18/12/2020 23:26

I think you need to message back now and just tell him you are not interested and don't want to hear this stuff

SnoozyLou · 18/12/2020 23:39

The follow up messages - he doesn't know when to quit. I would leave it until the morning, but I would tell him it isn't appropriate and ask if he really wants you to go to HR.

Sleazeball.

Duemarch2021 · 18/12/2020 23:46

@ghoulbag

'Yikes'

Exactly what I was thinking too!!! Lol

Original poster
messagemonkey · 18/12/2020 23:56

I've shown my dp the messages, he's more inclined for me to message a reply along the lines of 'fuck off you creep and don't message me again'.

The mentoring is only because although I've done the same job, it was a slightly different area and a few things are done differently, so it was just so he could explain those if needed. He's not in charge of me and I don't answer to him or anything. He's very well thought of in work though and hasn't given me any inclination that he'd be like this, he's usually very professional.

OP posts:
WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 18/12/2020 23:57

@umpteennamechanges

His second message is sexual harassment
...that odd noise was my eye balls rolling off the top of my head.
Eckhart · 18/12/2020 23:58

The mentoring is only because although I've done the same job, it was a slightly different area and a few things are done differently, so it was just so he could explain those if needed. He's not in charge of me and I don't answer to him or anything. He's very well thought of in work though and hasn't given me any inclination that he'd be like this, he's usually very professional

It doesn't matter. He's a colleague. He's being deeply unprofessional.

Rose87777 · 19/12/2020 00:05

Ooo dear it sounds like he’s going to seriously regret that when he wakes up Shock

Clymene · 19/12/2020 00:27

Speak to HR. It's sexual harassment and it's unacceptable

FromThe70s · 19/12/2020 00:34

In this day and age I don’t know why anyone would not report this sort of thing, unless they desperately feared for their job. Vile. Sorry you’ve had to put up with this shit, OP.

GrinchnotHinch · 19/12/2020 00:50

I wouldn't even address what he had said and say "please only message me in the group chat in the future".

Send the screenshot to HR.

Send the screenshot to his partner, she deserves better and he's probably gotten away with it for a long time.

Ultimateblends · 19/12/2020 00:59

@TheCattleGrid

Men are idiots. But we can just ignore their idiocy. This is one of those times.
Going to go against the grain here, and agree somewhat with this statement.

Deeply inappropriate, to be fair again, not something everyone has agreed with, but for me both comments - even commenting on your weight in the first place- he doesnt know your background with your weight, for some people comments about weight could start- or restart - an eating disorder..

However, in this context I would just take it as an "what an idiot" moment, realise his true colours and leave it, knowing i wouldn't communicate with him other than I professional setting.

He was trying his luck. I would just keep my eye on him.

Skyla2005 · 19/12/2020 04:14

If my husband sent that to someone I would be sick. End of marriage there and then !

MakeWorkYourNewFavourite · 19/12/2020 08:41

@ohmygodshedoes And how come some bellend always turns up and cries, "Wait! Not all men!"? Hmm

MakeWorkYourNewFavourite · 19/12/2020 08:43

@WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants I don't know if my middle finger sticking up and waving around in front of your face makes much of a sound.

StormcloakNord · 19/12/2020 09:24

@messagemonkey please please please report him to HR. I am pig sick of men (yes women do it too but let's be honest nowhere near as often) getting away with this sort of shit.

It's SO inappropriate, he's clearly fishing for some kind of emotional affair/flirting nonsense to happen and it's just out of order.

Please report him to HR. We desperately need more women to stand their ground and not just accept this sort of bullshit from men.

sunflowerdaysinmay · 19/12/2020 09:43

His behaviour is so inappropriate. He may appear professional and respectful in work but there is every possibility that he has sent messages like this before. Maybe even to other women you work with? They could have all ignored and kept their distance which means he maintains his professional reputation but all those women know deep down that he's a creep. They may even feel isolated in that, thinking they are the only one who's received inappropriate messages. I know it's a tricky situation, it's never as simple as report and it's solved. I hope you get to the best solution for you, whatever that is. If you are able to report then I think you should, he should be reprimanded for this behaviour, it is not acceptable.

maddening · 19/12/2020 09:46

I would reply "well. I'll keep my body out of professional work WhatsApp chats in future thanks"

Noidontwantmootard · 19/12/2020 09:48

Years ago I was witness to an event of sleazy comments about a co workers body. She cool as cucumber 🥒 , in front of others, told him to “be careful, that could be seen as sexual harassment and is a disciplinary offence”. Shut him down immediately and he apologised.

Original poster
messagemonkey · 19/12/2020 10:00

Morning, I sent a message earlier saying it was very inappropriate and in future can only message me if it's work related.

I've had a quite long apologetic message back, he said he'd been drinking that he doesn't know where that came from and he'd never want me to feel uncomfortable, he's very sorry and so on.
BUT, he then says he's felt we've been getting closer.

There's definitely been no getting closer, I'm friendly to him as I am all my colleagues but he's not even one of the ones I get on best with.

OP posts:
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.