Or is this message inappropriate?

[messagemonkey]

I'm currently off work with covid one of my colleagues was asking in a team WhatsApp how I was doing, I said I was much better and in mentioning loss of taste etc I mentioned that I'd been off food a bit and had lost some weight, it was said quite jokingly in the context of the conversation.

Anyway, one of my colleagues messaged me out of the group chat to say he's glad I'm feeling better and that I definitely don't need to lose weight. He's my mentor as I only started in September and although the same job I did before it's a different department. He has messaged me separately from the group chat before but generally about work, the odd are you having a nice weekend type thing, we're not overly friendly. I replied thanks and that the weight thing was only said jokingly.
Then he replied, I'd say your body is about perfect in my opinion.
I feel really uncomfortable with that second part of the message. I haven't replied and I'm really not sure if I should or not. Part of me wants to say that's inappropriate I'd rather you not message me like that, but am I being over dramatic?

We're both in relationships too. I've got a partner and two young dc, he's around 10 years older than me and married with dc.

Both messages are inappropriate the intention was to pull you in about the remark on your weight loss

He is being a creep and wants to chat about your body

How are you glad you are feeling better is fine and that’s all he needed to say

I sent one reply @Suzi888. I can't block him as I need to have contact for work and I will need to see and work with him. Plus I feel conflicted with the not saying anything approach as am I just letting him get away with it? Will he take no response as him probably being right and I'm just not admitting it to myself or some other deluded crap he can convince himself of.

I haven't sent that @Eckhart. I was feeling like I wanted to as I felt like him saying he thought we were getting closer was him implying I'd somehow given him the impression I was interested in him and that annoyed me.

Yes, he's pushing your boundaries to try to shift the responsibility partly onto you. He's one step short of blaming you because you led him on. It's revolting. Stick to facts in your response or you'll get drawn in. 'Your action x will = my action y' is all he needs to know. He'll leave you alone and start being very well behaved if you do this, because he hasn't got a leg to stand on, and he's handed you all the cards. Idiot.

@itsgettingaberrylikechristmas

I have had worse from colleagues. This is nothing. Pleased he apologised.

What a depressing enabling attitude.

I've been a victim of serious sexual assault, does that mean if another women has 'just' been threatened with a sexual assault I should tell her I've had worse so she should keep quiet?

I've also been in an abusive relationship, if my lovely boyfriend decides to be emotionally abusive at some point should I give him a free pass because it's just words and at least he's not hitting me?

The acceptable level of comments on finding a colleagues body attractive is zero. There is zero reason. He then apologised, immediately added more clearly flirtatious emojis (Jesus wept the cringe) to the apology and has since attempted to make her complicit by saying they got closer.

Women like you who say you've had it worse so people shouldn't make a fuss are a huge part of the reason more progress hasn't been made when it comes to how women are treated in the workplace.

Hes shitting himself that you'll report him. And I would, if I were you. Nothing much will happen except he'll get a telling off and a warning not to do it again, but at least they'll hopefully put him off, and if they don't, it'll be on record for next time.

If you don’t want to go to HR go to your manager.

@HowManyToes

I'd message back "that's a really inappropriate and unprofessional thing to say to a colleague. Please don't comment on my body again."

^^ I'd say this too. Nip it in the bud. What a sleaze.

Sorry I wrote that after his first two messages.
His further messages are even worse. I wouldn't respond, but would definitely consider either HR or your manager. I agree that last text is him trying to make it sound two-sided, and put some 'blame' onto you. Wanker.

I've got a 1-1 with my manager via zoom next week so I'm going to mention it to him. Not in a complaining way, but so he's aware and that if I get anything else I will be putting an official complaint in.

I've not sent another message I'm just leaving it and he hasn't sent anything else.

I can't believe how dramatic the reaction to this is. Has no one ever fancied someone on their work place or met in work. How would you know if someone fancied you without saying so or hinting to test the water.

Surely a swift no thanks I'm Married and don't appreciate those comment is enough without having to resort to getting people fired and accused of sexual harassment.

My gosh don't be so precious.

@messagemonkey

I've got a 1-1 with my manager via zoom next week so I'm going to mention it to him. Not in a complaining way, but so he's aware and that if I get anything else I will be putting an official complaint in.

I've not sent another message I'm just leaving it and he hasn't sent anything else.

Please be careful not to position this to your manager in a 'not complaining' way, don't be tempted to say sorry / dont want to make a fuss / rock the boat etc.

Just telling him literally what has been said is fine - it's so obviously inappropriate due to the subsequent messages from him that you don't need to add any narrative or explanation anyway!

What a creep. And the arrogance too. Oh to have the confidence of a mediocre man. Everyone who is courteous to them must think it's a special connection and crave their sexual attention... gross.

@dollymoo

I can't believe how dramatic the reaction to this is. Has no one ever fancied someone on their work place or met in work. How would you know if someone fancied you without saying so or hinting to test the water.

Surely a swift no thanks I'm Married and don't appreciate those comment is enough without having to resort to getting people fired and accused of sexual harassment.

My gosh don't be so precious.

Your body is pretty much perfect

Sorry but it's true 😍😍

Sorry but we have been getting closer and have a connection

---

That's the stuff he's said so far. That's ok is it?

Raise your bar.

She's had unwanted attention, told him it's unwanted and he's said sorry 'but' twice, once with more 'flattery' attached and once implying she's complicit or encouraged him. He's a dick.

And women shouldn't have to use their partners as human shields or reasons they don't reciprocate a man's attraction. Saying no thanks I'm married is basically saying... but if I wasn't then I'd be interested. It's irrelevant whether or not you have another partner if attention is unwanted. No excuse or reason is required.

We do not owe male colleagues a gently apology for not enjoying them commenting on our body, sending us emojis and then accusing us of feeling the same way.

He flirting with you. That’s generally how people know someone likes them.
Sounds like a good idea to reply and say yes a bit inappropriate. But no need to go to HR as one poster recommend. (Of course if he continue once you’ve made it clear you are not interested, that’s different). He’s just testing the water!

I think I'd see it maybe as flirting @dollymoo & @Dee1975. If we weren't both in relationships. He knows I've got a partner and two young Dc and he's married with a child and another on the way. I wouldn't be impressed if my partner was messaging female colleagues that their bodies were perfect in his opinion.

Although even if single I'd only expect messages like that if there had been some mutual flirting before hand.

I think that's what I would do. A complaint to HR is all well and good, but some HR managers are shocking. When I discussed my maternity leave with my HR manager, she asked if I got pregnant "by accident".

"Yes. I tripped and fell on a penis."

And that was at a law firm.

Can’t believe those who are minimising this. He’s 15 years older than OP, has acted as her mentor, has ignored when she’s told him to lay off and is then trying to “share the blame” for his inappropriate behaviour.

The first texts - yeah ok you can ignore - but everything after that is so out of line.

Yes, ours are not the best @SnoozyLou. When I found out I was pregnant very soon after my first (there's only a year between them) someone I spoke to in HR said "oh you're probably just best handing your notice in as you'll have to go off again".

He's a creep who is hoping you might be up for an office romance - I wouldn't respond to any further messages that are not work related. I wonder how many times he has done this with new staff members? And how many times has the woman been ridiculously flattered by the attention?

There have been several threads on here about 'the man at work who fancies me/I fancy him/we're both married but there's a connection' etc etc. It's as sleazy as fuck

That's what I'm finding so annoying @MaelyssQ. That he thinks I'd be willing to be involved in anything like that. That I do that to my partner or his wife. And that he's thought that with absolutely nothing to go on, I've been polite and friendly but certainly not flirty or anything. Other than work conversation, I've asked if his dc is excited for Christmas, the odd brief
conversation about a tv show, can't think of anything else. I've been off the last two weeks as Ds tested positive for covid then me and yesterday's messages are the first text exchange with him since I've been off.

I personally wouldn’t bother replying or thinking about what I should reply.
He isn’t talking about work so you don’t need to reply and you’ll potentially end up going back and forth with him.
I’d rather bring it up face to face on zoom, shut it down that way and embarrass him in front of your team.
Your HR department sounds terrible, so are they likely to take anything you say seriously. Or worse, brush it off and make you look like you are complaining about nothing.
It does sound ick and he sounds like a creep,, not someone you want to be alone with.

@messagemonkey

That's what I'm finding so annoying @MaelyssQ. That he thinks I'd be willing to be involved in anything like that

Do you really think he was concerning himself with what you might have been feeling?

There's no way he would have sent those messages if he didn't think you were going to simply fall at his feet. He won't have thought about reasons you might not, because his massive ego was standing in the way of thoughts like that.

Of course it's inappropriate.

**Your body is pretty much perfect

Sorry but it's true 😍😍

Sorry but we have been getting closer and have a connection**

This is a good summary of his messages.
Awful.
I am honestly never surprised now at the sleeziness of men. Even the nice ones who you think are your mates and would never do anything.
Years ago I got on well with a bloke at work, we worked well together and I thought he was a lovely guy. After he retired he revealed his true feelings. After he retired! He was literally 40 odd years older, I was in my late 20s! The arrogance.

Yep second bit inappropriate.

he then says he's felt we've been getting closer.

You could respond simply: Thanks for the apology. I don’t feel we’ve been getting closer.

That’s probably what I would do, but I can’t resist making a pointed comment. Some might say it’s best not to respond at all.