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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to expect relative to sleep on the sofa for a night

345 replies

Helpneededbyanoutsider · 17/12/2020 23:22

Hi, just want outsiders opinions. Obviously xmas is coming up and me and my bf, sister and her bf and mum and dad are meeting up as the 3 bubbles that are allowed.
We are meeting up at our parents house which is a 3 bed terrace house. 2 doubles, one single. I still live at home (I’m the youngest) and live in the second double (upgraded from the shoe box room when my sister moved out earlier this year), our parents in the other.
My sister hasn’t seen us a lot this year because of covid so we’re all excited to see her and her bf.

She has now made a fuss about not coming over because of not having her old room and the double bed in it (which i brought) to sleep on during her two night (max) stay. They live an hour and a half away -60 miles one way.

Is it to much to ask to bring their double air mattress and sleep downstairs for a night or two? Or just take the sofas.
How do other people solve issues of houses being too small to fit bfs/gfs/ extended family over?
I believe this is a bit of embarrassment as well- her bf has never been to our little house and grew up in a big house with his own en-suite and everything. She and her boyfriend are both uni educated as are his family- we aren’t.
I think she feels ashamed by her humble beginnings...

OP posts:
LenaBlack · 18/12/2020 08:51

19RedskyAtnight

OP said it would fit a double.

We could but wouldn’t fit... she still has all her uni filing cabinets etc in the shoe box room and it is just that, a shoe box. It’s that awkward room above the stairs that has a chunk cut out of it to make headroom for the stairs. With no furniture you could fit a double abs that’s it’s.

OP, what are the dimensions?

InTheLongGrass · 18/12/2020 08:52

Sleeping on the sofa is the absolute shits. There is no way I would do it.
Air bed, or other temporary bedding solution, is fine. But it needs to have been designed for sleeping on, not sitting on.

Veterinari · 18/12/2020 08:52

You and your sister need to talk.

You're both being stubborn and seem to be viewing this as a claim on the double bedroom territory.

It's not. It's about having a nice family Xmas with your parents. So you both need to unclench and make it work rather than turning it into a passive-aggressive battle of wills.

Twinkie01 · 18/12/2020 08:56

Fuck giving up my bed, they're family not the Queen of Sheba FFS. Mattress in sitting room or plod off the 60 miles back to your own bed.

Our DS has always had his own double bed and en suite and he wouldn't expect people to move out of their own room to accommodate him being used to that. She's using that as an excuse. If he wants a nice suite he can cough up for a hotel.

PurpleMustang · 18/12/2020 09:29

She is obviously thinking she still has rights over what is now your room. Bet she has fond memories of it so wants to stay in it even though its now yours. So the answer is no. And she is just trying to manipulate you with the whole, if I have no bed I won't want to come over. Sounds like she has always got her way and is throwing her toys out of her pram now

MessAllOver · 18/12/2020 09:39

And she is just trying to manipulate you with the whole, if I have no bed I won't want to come over. Sounds like she has always got her way and is throwing her toys out of her pram now

Why is it necessarily manipulative? I would not want to sleep in the living-room with a new boyfriend.

That said, OP and her boyfriend should not be expected to give up their room either. So the possible solutions are - clear out box-room and put a double bed in, Airbnb/hotel or not come.

Imo there should be no expectation of it being ok for an adult to spend Christmas sleeping on the floor/sofa/airbed. They might choose to do so because they're keen to visit, but they're not unreasonable for not wanting to. Tbh, it's not great for kids either - I remember as a child frequently being handed a sleeping bag and directed to a piece of floor, quite often in a draughty corridor or landing. I was always tired and grumpy the next day and frequently told off for it!

If you want people to stay, find them a comfy bed or book somewhere for them...it's really not that difficult.

mrsm43s · 18/12/2020 09:43

Long term this is going to be an issue. Even in non-Covid times, your parents are going to want both their children able to stay comfortably in their home for visits, including their partners.

So get an ottoman double (or small double) for the spare room, and put all the stuff currently stored in the room under the bed in the ottoman storage.

Job done, and a long term solution. Your parents now have a guest room that is suitable for the people that they are most likely to want to stay (your DS and BF).

Whilst I do think that your DS is trying to pull rank as eldest, it really isn't reasonable to expect her DB to stay in the communal area of a family home when he doesn't know the family well. You are very clearly refusing to compromise and digging your heels and trying to pull rank as the most important because you live there. To your parents you are both equally important, and you should be working together to make sure you can both stay.
Neither of you come off well here, tbh.

Saz12 · 18/12/2020 09:45

6 adults and 5 “sleeping slots”. So you’ve options:

1- Sister hosts you in her 6-space flat (she has 2 doubles and sofa bed)
2- You move the excess furniture from box room (eg to loft or one of the double rooms) and put in a single air mattress /z-bed alongside the single bed already there
3 - her bf sleeps in box room and she sleeps in living room

In reality sister wants “her” childhood bedroom as she feels it’s more hers than yours, even though she’s moved out.
Would one of your parents be able to diffuse this by making a big deal out of how great she is for having her own place? Asking to see pics of Christmas decorations she has, “where-did-you-get-those” type flattery? MIght get big sis to release her hold on her childhood bedroom.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 18/12/2020 09:47

She sounds like my sibling- stamp foot and demand your own way else there'll be trouble.

I'm really impressed that your DPs aren't just giving in. Mine will just let sibling get what she wants to prevent her being upset regardless of how much it hurts me. 30 years this has been going on and sibling just gets worse.

Boulshired · 18/12/2020 09:50

There is obviously animosity anyway, calling her a relative visiting when it’s you sister visiting her parents home, comments on education, her boyfriend family for very little reason. She doesn’t have to like it and lump it she can choose not to come. It’s manipulative to demand your room, but it’s also manipulative to make her feel bad for not coming because the arrangement doesn’t work for her. This is the start of the original family unit doing there own thing, it happens the more understanding you all show each other the better it is going forward.

SkylightAndChandelier · 18/12/2020 10:02

I've got to agree it's your room now, so you should of course stay in it - how much more hassle will it be for you to either have to wander in and out to get your clothes etc. or to pack a bag and basically act like a guest in your own home.

The moment I moved out of home, my younger sister (previously sharing) got my room, and whenever I came home from Uni I slept on the settee. Because I didn't live there any more. She doesn't have perpetual dibs on a room that someone else lives in.

Also, as an aside, modern blowup beds are AWESOME. We use one when parents come to stay (pre-covid), and it's honestly as comfortable as a real bed - although I always put a fluffy blanket over it as they do seem a bit cold underneath you otherwise. I'd honestly choose one over a pull out sofa bed

FurloughOrNo · 18/12/2020 10:09

I agree that the double is your room now but being that it’s the first visit for sisters bf, I think you should let them have it for the night. It’s only for one night, as you say! I would feel really awkward sleeping on the sofa if I’d only just met the family. Your bf is already familiar with your family so either you share the single or one of you takes the sofa. Do it for your parents, it’s Christmas (and I’m sure they will be very grateful that one of their daughters was thinking of them)

FrangipaniBlue · 18/12/2020 10:34

DH is 6'3" and I'm 5'6" - we used to top and tail in the single bed in his box room when he lived at home and I used to stay over!

For 2 nights there's no reason your DSis and her BF couldn't do this, you could even temporarily move her junk out and just shove it in the boot of a car or on the attic?

CrotchBurn · 18/12/2020 11:04

What us wrong with everyone? "I'm past the point if finding sleeping on sofas acceptable" 🤦‍♀️ Who are you all princess meghan? You want her parents to casually build an annex to accommodate the sisters twice yearly visits? When the family home is small you STFU and kip on the sofa end of

Dowermouse · 18/12/2020 11:06

She wants to shag. In your bed.

VocalDuck · 18/12/2020 11:14

Tell her she can have the room but it’ll be with the single bed as you’ll be putting your double mattress either in the single room (will it fit if you take out all the other furniture?) or be using it on the floor downstairs. So either way, she or her boyfriend will have to squash into the single bed or else bring their own air bed. Otherwise one can sleep on the sofa and one in the single bed.

Then I’d point out the time it took to dismantle the beds and move furniture around was the time you had allocated to buy her Christmas present so you weren’t able to get her anything.

Bibidy · 18/12/2020 11:16

I think some of these replies are insane and your sister is being unreasonable!

Tbh, just to cool things down and solve the issue I'd probably volunteer to stay downstairs with my bf for those 2 nights just so that they would still come for Christmas.

BUT I do think it's unfair when she is commandeering YOUR bedroom. I would actually feel more uncomfortable if I were her boyfriend knowing that we had kicked you out of your room.

MessAllOver · 18/12/2020 11:19

What us wrong with everyone? "I'm past the point if finding sleeping on sofas acceptable" 🤦‍♀️ Who are you all princess meghan? You want her parents to casually build an annex to accommodate the sisters twice yearly visits?

Or you book a hotel/self-catering nearby so everyone gets a good night's sleep. Family arguments are much less likely if everyone is well-rested.

When the family home is small you STFU and kip on the sofa end of

You can also STFU and stay home. And your relatives can STFU and let you. Normally the people telling others to STFU are the greedy fuckers who got the beds Grin.

CrotchBurn · 18/12/2020 11:26

@MessAllOver

I've been sleeping on the couch for the past 5 years for Christmas. Life somehow goes on.

LimpidPools · 18/12/2020 11:28

She's doing that post-uni childish thing where she hasn't quite realised that she's moved out and what that means. I.e. that she doesn't live there any more and doesn t get so much of a say. She sort of isn't her younger sister's equal in the household and she won't like that one bit.

The question of bubbling and who sees who etc is pretty much outside OP's control. There's no point giving her a hard time about that.

All this "I wouldn't sleep in a communal area/anywhere but a hotel" is all very well when you're 50, but the OP's sister and her boyfriend are in their early 20s. They can deal. There is a single if it's all too much for the boyfriend. (Is this part of the problem - they'll just have come from v religious family and been required to sleep separately there? This wouldn't make me any keener to surrender my bed tbh.)

OP, just stick to your guns. Your room. Your bed. Her options: air mattress or go home.

Bibidy · 18/12/2020 11:28

You can also STFU and stay home. And your relatives can STFU and let you. Normally the people telling others to STFU are the greedy fuckers who got the beds Grin.

Surely though if you've moved out and your going back for Christmas, particularly this year when hotels aren't really an option in many places, you just suck it up for the one or two nights you're there, just to be able to attend?! And then hopefully by next time they come to stay the single bed could be replaced by a double sofa bed/futon. Sister has only moved out a few months ago so it's not like she's constantly expected to sleep in the living room.

I think it's pretty sad that OP's sister is throwing a paddy and refusing to come if she doesn't get her own way, during one of the only few days her family might be able to send together over the next few months!

MessAllOver · 18/12/2020 11:50

@CrotchBurn. Your choice. Wouldn't be mine... I'm usually up early and exhausted by 10 so I'm not shooing people out of the living room so I can go to sleep.

unmarkedbythat · 18/12/2020 12:09

You don't like her much, do you?

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 18/12/2020 12:21

It’s sad if she feels ashamed of your house / background Sad My ds is dating a girl from a “naicer” background.. if she turned her nose up at our house I’m sure she’d be an ex girlfriend! In fact she’s going to her own family this year, but I think would really prefer to be here with him / us.

PerveenMistry · 18/12/2020 12:26

The sister could come sans boyfriend and use the single if she really wants to be with her family.

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