Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to send him a copy of her pass-agg card?

303 replies

HubrisPolice · 17/12/2020 15:34

I have received a marvellously nasty Christmas card from my sister-in-law. Absolutely dripping saccharine venom.

Now normally I wouldn't dream of passing shit like this around. I might take a sanity-check with someone close to me whom she'll never meet, but in general I wouldn't show private correspondence around.

I also feel strongly one shouldn't mess with loyalty between husband and wife.

Buuuuuut... she's signed my DB's name to her shit. Shock

DB is usually the one who writes the cards to me, or at the very least they both sign them. There's nothing to show he's even seen this one.

My options are

a) I can ignore and have my DB wondering why people are apparently behaving weirdly.

b) I can speak to her directly – my normal approach, but in my old age I've learned that engaging with batshit just elicits... more batshit.

c) I can send him a copy of the card she has written and to which she has appended both his and her names.

Now it may or not be an actual good move to send him a copy: still pondering that one! But in terms of whether it's ethically permissable:

YABU: it's a private note from her to you, he's not entitled to know the contents and what's more you should be at pains never to play husband off against wife;

YANBU: it's a note with his name at the bottom, he's entitled to know what's being said in his name.

OP posts:
Original poster
HubrisPolice · 17/12/2020 21:26

I used to do self-deprecating so well, Zilla.

Then I found myself surrounded by fuckers who believed me.Shock

Worse, they believed the woman at the next desk who continually told management she was god's gift.

Dear me, country gorn to the dwags, I'm telling ya...

OP posts:
Original poster
HubrisPolice · 17/12/2020 21:28

@PrincessNutNutRoast

Then the only solution is to exit the narrative.
DB as deus ex machina?

Some gentle mockery and WTFs? Plus love to the kids? Not in response to the bonkers card, but anon when I'd been going to do it anyway.

OP posts:
YesPleaseMary · 17/12/2020 21:33

Suggest you scrawl “Are you on glue?” over the front of her card, fill it with glitter and send it back to her pronto.

Clarinet1 · 17/12/2020 21:34

Found this thread very interesting and, at times LOL. But what I wonder is, what is SIL really like to the OP's DB?

Original poster
HubrisPolice · 17/12/2020 21:35

If you just don’t contact him/them at all how long do you think it would be until your brother actually contacts you himself?

Left to himself, couple of years. I'd get an Xmas card but otherwise not hear till he wanted something. That's OK.

If SIL's on a mission – and she stuck an actual stamp on that card, international, and dropped it in a box – then whenever she twists his tail enough to get him to. But it'll be something she's wound him up to say, not what he would say off his own bat.

OP posts:
Shelby2010 · 17/12/2020 21:38

I would email DB with a copy of the card, asking if SIL is ok, because you’ve received a very odd card off her.

And in specific answer to your question, any correspondence that is designed to sit on your mantlepiece isn’t really private. And your loyalty is to your DB, it doesn’t sound like you owe your SIL anything.

hansgrueber · 17/12/2020 21:41

@MrsAvocet

I think you should send a juvenile set of bagpipes as an apology immediately.
Great minds think alike! Are they old enough for a drum set? That was really popular for our granddaughter, untill she got the mini-organ/karaoke the following year!
LoveMyKidsAndCats · 17/12/2020 21:41

Op of course send it him and ask wtf it's about.

ravensoaponarope · 17/12/2020 21:45

My brother bought my wicked stepmother's baby an art farm one Christmas...if you're looking for ideas.

Original poster
HubrisPolice · 17/12/2020 21:47

Someone asked if DB's always been like this.

Not sure. I realise that over the years I've done a lot of giving the benefit of the doubt, assuming good faith and smoothing over when he's shat on relatives a bit.

I'm an ordinary crap, venal human being who likes to think better of myself than is justified, and who often mucks up even when I try my best. Plus I'm sometimes thoughtless and lazy.

So I just projected that on him. I also suspect he's still in the FOG of DM, and now there's SIL, so I cut him slack.

But... some of what happened on that visit... There was some nastier stuff I didn't mention from DB. Surely if he was well-meaning and he'd fucked up like that, he'd apologise afterwards or somehow indicate he'd thought better of it? The DB I thought he was would have.

So I don't seem to know him terribly well after all.

OP posts:
rwalker · 17/12/2020 21:48

Honestly you don't get on your in different countries hardly see each other why bother.

D4rwin · 17/12/2020 21:48

Yeah. A quiet distant equivalent of a head tilt. Is she OK? You know the pandemic is hard, appears to be struggling, bless her type thing. It IS passive aggressive but gives the wtf but in a way that invites your DB to actually communicate rather than his apparent abdication in doing that (maybe this is why he married a mother type). Pointing out her behaviour is odd and not how well adjusted adults do things.

ktp100 · 17/12/2020 21:48

It's a Christmas card, not a private note, and she's put his name on it so of course he should know!!

She sounds delightful!!

FiveFootTwoEyesOfBlue · 17/12/2020 21:57

There was some nastier stuff I didn't mention from DB.
What nastier stuff? Oh OP they're not coming out of this well. I would keep my distance and blank SIL as much as possible. As for your DB, perhaps it's worth trying to maintain a relationship with him, perhaps it's not. On the one hand, as I get older I appreciate the importance of what family I have left. But on the other, if he doesn't bring much happiness into your life, then....

twoshedsjackson · 17/12/2020 22:03

I agree with PP's that she is angling for drama; how much would it bother her if the card "never arrived" (post can be bad at this time of year, and it's from another country) This is not beyond the bounds; my prezzie to genuinely lovely niece arrived late, despite my allowing plenty of time and the right postage.
She'll be waiting for an excuse to start arguing, eventually pushing her DH to contact to elicit a response. "Oh hi bro, wondered why I hadn't heard from you yet this Christmas, yes the post is terrible at the moment isn't it." I wonder if she'll want to go through the performance of writing and posting it again.
Meanwhile, organise something online, as if you were intending to post it all along. A glittery craft kit, a book with maddening sound effects, a miniature drumkit, a garish confectionery assortment zinging with e-numbers, a wildly inappropriate outfit for your little niece......and a lovely card containing a message about how much you'd love to see them on their next visit.

TatianaBis · 17/12/2020 22:05

Honestly OP, the best thing all round is just to ignore it.

You’re too invested in what SIL like, what your mum’s like, it really doesn’t matter.

If you make anything of it with your DB it will simply make you look as if you’re picking a fight over the fact you didn’t send presents. Because SIL’s comment in the card is so obviously a reaction to that.

Personally I’d have just sent an Amazon voucher for whatever country they’re in because to not send a present is a passive aggressive statement in itself. It’s not your nephews and nieces fault their mother is peculiar. And you seem to have a reasonable relationship with DB even though he doesn’t make much effort.

In short, I would disengage, don’t expect anything, send low value vouchers for the kids when required and think no more about any of it.

whatwedontknow · 17/12/2020 22:09

Based on the fact that your DB has defended her before I would bet he will do it again and say, well you haven’t bothered with the children.

You could send the card back as undeliverable, put in a plastic bag stamped on with a dirty footprint. Her plan will have backfired she will either never know you’ve seen it. Turn her passive aggression right back at her.

ClearingSpaceOnTheTrophyShelf · 17/12/2020 22:13

@HubrisPolice I think I love you.

You're funny and sparky, but I can read your hurt running underneath. I hope you can forge a closer relationship with you DB again.

anditgoeson · 17/12/2020 22:14

Personally I hate all this family obligation crap. People have lives they have to get on with. I dont expect anything like that from my family, it's nice when they do think of my kids but I certainly wouldnt be rude about it if they didnt.

I wouldnt send your DB a copy tho, that seems a bit passive aggressive. Just call him.

Notthe9oclocknewsathon · 17/12/2020 22:27

@SleepingStandingUp

I'd screen shot the card and say "Dear Steve, Recieved Christmas card today, I'm just wondering if you both feel I've abandoned your children? As you know I'm very poorly and it takes a lot for me to get out the house let alone across countries but I do love them, and you, and you're always welcome here. Please call me if we need to talk this through more. Love Hub
This is what I’d send too
Original poster
HubrisPolice · 17/12/2020 22:27

It’s not your nephews and nieces fault their mother is peculiar.

Yes, I agree with this very strongly.

And you know, maybe I'm wrong about her I'm not.

Also, as long as nobody dies, there will be an end of the tunnel to come out of for the children.

OP posts:
LivingMyVestLife · 17/12/2020 22:34

My SIL pulled something like this, deliberately, constantly trying to start an argument with me so that when I finally reacted, after years of provocation, she could tell DB a pack of lies about me and stop him and me having a relationship. He took her side completely, otherwise he'd have had to admit she was a psycho (actually he did to our DM). The funny thing is, now we're all NC I'm so much happier. I knew DB was selfish and thoughtless but hadn't realised how the relationship exhausted me. Perhaps if you ignore it and cut them loose then you too might find sibling-free inner peace?

Original poster
HubrisPolice · 17/12/2020 22:37

Oh, oh, for added outrage.

I've just remembered that a couple of years ago DB told me not to send presents for the DC that year, as they had so many from the DC friends he and SIL didn't want to be bothered opening mine as well.

So I gave money. (As I'm unwaged, it didn't come to an amount DB would even notice as small change.)

Go on, go on, call me a troll for the plot twist.Grin

It's completely true, alas.

OP posts:
Original poster
HubrisPolice · 17/12/2020 22:47

Aw thank you, ClearingSpaceOnTheTrophyShelf and many others who have been lovely.

I didn't start this thread for an ego-stroke, but I'm getting one anyway.

It has been very hard being so alone, and for ages I really thought it must be me. I'm sure it is partly me, but I'll look after the bits I can change, and leave other people's (mostly) well alone.

OP posts:
TatianaBis · 17/12/2020 22:50

[quote ClearingSpaceOnTheTrophyShelf]@HubrisPolice I think I love you.

You're funny and sparky, but I can read your hurt running underneath. I hope you can forge a closer relationship with you DB again.[/quote]
I don’t see how she can. He’s in another country, he’s got an odd wife and OP is ill.

Sometimes you just have to accept people and situations as they are and leave them to it.