to send him a copy of her pass-agg card?

[HubrisPolice]

I have received a marvellously nasty Christmas card from my sister-in-law. Absolutely dripping saccharine venom.

Now normally I wouldn't dream of passing shit like this around. I might take a sanity-check with someone close to me whom she'll never meet, but in general I wouldn't show private correspondence around.

I also feel strongly one shouldn't mess with loyalty between husband and wife.

Buuuuuut... she's signed my DB's name to her shit.

DB is usually the one who writes the cards to me, or at the very least they both sign them. There's nothing to show he's even seen this one.

My options are

a) I can ignore and have my DB wondering why people are apparently behaving weirdly.

b) I can speak to her directly – my normal approach, but in my old age I've learned that engaging with batshit just elicits... more batshit.

c) I can send him a copy of the card she has written and to which she has appended both his and her names.

Now it may or not be an actual good move to send him a copy: still pondering that one! But in terms of whether it's ethically permissable:

YABU: it's a private note from her to you, he's not entitled to know the contents and what's more you should be at pains never to play husband off against wife;

YANBU: it's a note with his name at the bottom, he's entitled to know what's being said in his name.

So.....whatcha gona do??!

I don't agree that there's a decent relationship with your DB to be maintained (or rescued). You say he's made a few off comments to you in the past, he wouldn't contact you for maybe years if you didn't contact him or SIL didn't push him to, etc. He doesn't sound like he wants much of a relationship, or values you very highly in his life :(

Oh I have been through this. My brother's partner gaslighted me for years with this kind of stuff. She has some deep rooted insecurities and I think was jealous of him being close to anyone else. I tried to speak to him about it but she was so controlling and manipulative that he was either too scared to admit what he was seeing or he was so blindsided by her that he couldn't aee it. You are right when you say that confronting batshit just elicits more. I tried to stand up to it for a couple of years until she pushed me over the edge and I reacted angrily. Over a decade later and I still have no relationship with my brother. I still don't know if I should have kept my mouth shut. She was a bully and bad for my mental health but now I never see my brorher or nephew anymore so tread carefully.

Coming to this late, but - I wouldn't give it air, or life or whatever by sending on. Misery likes company and passive aggression needs attention or a response to know it's hit the target -!

I’m with Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g on this. Being disabled myself and in a wheelchair I’ve been at the shitty end of the stick a few times with certain friends. I’m fiercely independent but some in my former circle of friends still found it uncomfortable or inconvenient (not sure which) to have me along on trips, weekends away etc, but still found ways to make me feel guilty about refusing invitations which were very obviously extended grudgingly. I know this is not quite the same thing OP, but the only way I could deal with the hurt was to cut them out of my life. It’s not so easy to do this with family I know, but with so many other problems in your life you don’t need this. I would have a frank discussion about how they make you feel - no holds barred . Be honest about the fact that you have very little energy and are finding it more and more difficult to cope physically and make it clear that their behaviour just adds to the stress. Once they are made fully aware of your difficulties they should be trying to make things easier for you, not harder. If they don’t, then regrettably, you are better off without them in your life.

Hubris - just read all your posts. Your writing style is hilarious! Love your sense of humour and how you express it.
Misery, nothing to do with the topic(S) at hand, but wanted to put that in there. You're hilarious! I want this thread to continue purely so I can read your updates!

I think your brilliant and you’ve made me laugh on crap day, I also have a db, who can be a bit of a twat. However I’ve always wanted a sister and think you’d be a brilliant Sister so position open.

Wow! Awkward . Without knowing what it says it’s hard to give an opinion .

I totally need to know what she said. Am happy to prepare a reply for your amendments. Given the amount of absolute sh%te my own are tossing about this Christmas it will do me good.

Now, what did she say?

You sound fabulous, your sister in law is an idiot, your brother sounds a bit wet, and I personally dont think you need to let them take up any more of your time or energy.

Can you just put her card in the shredder? Or the compost?

Have a lovely Christmas, and please don’t give them a second thought 🎄🎄🎄

@Aquamarine1029

I think we would all agree to each of us giving you a fiver if you post a pic of the card.

Oh yeah, it'd totally be worth it, I HAVE to know now!

You could get the kids a small brass instrument each, a trumpet, say, and a cornet. Or a small drumkit. And a couple of those vuvuzelas beloved of continential footie fans.

@ClearingSpaceOnTheTrophyShelf

Christmas is ruined unless we know what she wrote

LOL! I am desperate to know too!

@SleepingStandingUp

I'd screen shot the card and say "Dear Steve, Recieved Christmas card today, I'm just wondering if you both feel I've abandoned your children? As you know I'm very poorly and it takes a lot for me to get out the house let alone across countries but I do love them, and you, and you're always welcome here. Please call me if we need to talk this through more. Love Hub

That sounds like a perfect response, to me.

Since his name is in the card, I would message and ask why he wrote what he did?

Even though you know it was SIL, the card is in his name too so you could be forgiven for thinking he wrote that message.

@HubrisPolice

If you do decide to fight passive aggression with passive aggression, OP, you owe it to us to post the entire exchange as it happens on here. Come on, it's Christmas and none of us get out much now.

I know.

I've let MN down, I've let myself down, and I've let the chihuahuas down. I shall have a word with myself.

I think I love you, lol! Haven't read so many comments that made me smile since I lost my husbnd to Covid in May. Thank you - you sound brilliant.

@Thepilotlightsgoneout

I need to know what it says before I can decide.

That’s actually a total lie, I just want to know.

100% this 🤪

You sound so lovely.

Simply put, your brother sounds like a bit of a twat, but he may really have his hands full and being a man is taking the easy way out and suiting himself, and not rocking the boat.

Your SIL, apologies for my vulgarity, but she sounds like a complete pain in the hole.

I wouldn't dream of reacting to her batshittery.

If pressed I would make some aspersions concerning her "nerves being at her" 🙄 and you "thought it best to leave the poor woman to it, she's a bit of a pity".

The above can be said so sympathetically but in essence leave them both to it.

Similarly with your mother.
Focus your time and efforts on people who add genuine value to you life.

Of course you could always not have received the car and carry on as such.

So many options.

The thing is, with freaks like your SIL, you never will win.
Their relationship with things like the facts and the truth are tenuous at best.
She will happily lie, twist and manipulate any situation so that it suits her narrative.
Your brother is well use to her and will simply let her twitter on not challenge the status quo.

The drama just isn't worth it.

@VettiyaIruken

Since his name is on it too, you could call him and say to him look, I'm a bit upset about this card you sent me. Is this really how you feel?

Then you are a sister asking if her brother is upset, not a sister reporting his wife to her brother.

This seems the most sensible approach to me.

Don't pull the "she wrote it in his name" thing to justify a passive aggressive response of your own (WHICH IS WHAT SHE WANTS). If she's signed his name for him in her writing, you know he's not responsible for what she said, he probably never saw the card at all (hence why you want to show him) and it's just more dishonest passive aggression. If that's what you want, you have that choice, but it's what she wants too and that's why she's baiting you with it.

Just don't do what she wants. It doesn't matter if you justify it by pretending you take his name in there seriously or that you're oh so concerned about her or whatever other excuse people are throwing out there. It's exactly the same thing that she did and it's the fight she's spoiling for to make you look like the arsehole.

Don't do what she wants! Let it all just fall flat!

Put the card away

Make no reference to it this side of Xmas - it will really wind her up 😂 pretend you haven't received it if asked

Don't make arrangements to go there again

If you speak to your brother in the new year ask him wtaf was that shite all about!

Put the card away

Actually i think it would be more therapeutic to save the card and put little pins in it again and again, till you come to your senses and stop giving headspace to entitled takers 😈 .

Sorry you’re going through this Hub.
You sound lovely and thoughtful and insightful.

As other PPs have suggested, you could phone and ask your brother if what’s in the card is how he feels. But I think that somehow that makes you part of the problem. If I were going to engage with catshit SIL, I would say to your DB, ‘I got this card today and I’m worried about SIL, is she ok?’ Which shifts the focus a bit from her pass-agg right back to her and hopefully suggest a little that she this is crazy.

And thank you! I have spent that last little while reading and thoroughly enjoying this thread. Made my shit week a little better!

*Your life already has challenges more than they'll ever know, don't invest any more time in an unrequited relationship where you get absolutely nothing from.

They're just not worth your emotional energy, and the more you try to lock horns with your ghastly sounding SIL the more harm it will do you. They sound like they have a happy privileged charmed existence and you're a minor inconvenience to them at most.*

This.

Time to step back from this relationship methinks. Maybe sent small token presents for the nieces.

Hubris, please allow me to send a set of Home Bargains Table Top drum kits to each of the abandoned babies. They can then embark on hugely successful musical careers.w