to send him a copy of her pass-agg card?

[HubrisPolice]

I have received a marvellously nasty Christmas card from my sister-in-law. Absolutely dripping saccharine venom.

Now normally I wouldn't dream of passing shit like this around. I might take a sanity-check with someone close to me whom she'll never meet, but in general I wouldn't show private correspondence around.

I also feel strongly one shouldn't mess with loyalty between husband and wife.

Buuuuuut... she's signed my DB's name to her shit.

DB is usually the one who writes the cards to me, or at the very least they both sign them. There's nothing to show he's even seen this one.

My options are

a) I can ignore and have my DB wondering why people are apparently behaving weirdly.

b) I can speak to her directly – my normal approach, but in my old age I've learned that engaging with batshit just elicits... more batshit.

c) I can send him a copy of the card she has written and to which she has appended both his and her names.

Now it may or not be an actual good move to send him a copy: still pondering that one! But in terms of whether it's ethically permissable:

YABU: it's a private note from her to you, he's not entitled to know the contents and what's more you should be at pains never to play husband off against wife;

YANBU: it's a note with his name at the bottom, he's entitled to know what's being said in his name.

You don't have to be with someone to be close to them @TatianaBis, you just have to be on the same level.

@HubrisPolice, you're so right: concentrate on the things it's within your power/gift to control or change.
Be kind to yourself

I would completely ignore and not comment. As pp have said - this will annoy the fuck out of her.

If asked, claim you never received a card.

But he’s not really on the level is he, OP can’t force it. He’s got his own life and he chooses to engage with her how he does and that’s that really. Nothing OP can do.

He certainly won’t laugh about his wife with her.

And even better, if you haven't sent your cards yet, do a facebook post, only visible to your DB & SIL, to say that you aren't doing cards this year and instead you are making a donation to whatever charity will annoy her most.

@TatianaBis

But he’s not really on the level is he, OP can’t force it. He’s got his own life and he chooses to engage with her how he does and that’s that really. Nothing OP can do.

He certainly won’t laugh about his wife with her.

I probably didn't express myself well. What I meant was, the op feels distanced from her brother atm which the miles don't help, but isn't the reason for. I was trying to express hope they'd reconnect/find closeness again

I wouldn't accuse her. I'd send "bro? WTF? Why would you send me this?" With the picture of it.

Another vote for taking a photo of the card, send it to him and say 'care to explain?'. Ball back in his court, say no more, do nothing more.

Buy one kid a drum and the other a whistle.

She also previously told me, over the packing of my very own baggage, that "She didn't want to compare me to the children, but like them I needed to be told what to do several times before actually doing it."

OMG

Personally I’d screenshot, and email with the simple statement ‘Your poor children’.
Then I’d follow up with ridiculous noisy/messy gifts each year, accompanied by the most minging cards. And gifts for them too. Maybe a nice second-hand nighty from a charity shop, fancy hair bands for ‘those days her hair goes funny’, cookbooks for beginners, that kind of thing. Always sent with those multiple-page, saccharine-message cards about how special she is to you. And always make sure everything is on the cusp of bonkers so that the PA level isn’t too obvious.
I know it’s childish (but she started it).

Give zero fucks @HubrisPolice

Your life already has challenges more than they'll ever know, don't invest any more time in an unrequited relationship where you get absolutely nothing from.

They're just not worth your emotional energy, and the more you try to lock horns with your ghastly sounding SIL the more harm it will do you. They sound like they have a happy privileged charmed existence and you're a minor inconvenience to them at most.

You deserve so much better!

There are two relationships I've severed ties with in my life, and I swear it was such a massive relief, it felt liberating never ever to have to deal with their crap again.

Look forward never back, and don't do anything out of misplaced obligation to your DB, don't regret just let go.

Another for zero fucks.
Throw the card in the bin and forget about it.

Don't ring, don't post anything. They'll get over it.

I've mostly read your posts, OP. Just wanted to send a polite socially distanced fistbump in lieu of a hug.

I think your SIL is more the canary singing to show up problems in your relationships with your DB and DM, really. You maybe know this already, but I did wonder of it would be worth ignoring the card and focussing, if you want to, on whether those relationships can be improved. By improved I mean sorted through, in your head or with a trusted person, until they don't cause you grief.

Having read your updates, I vote Bin It.

Don’t let this toxic woman take up space in your head. You’re better off being free of her.

Have a lovely Christmas 🎄

PA her back. Text DB: "Is SIL quite alright?" The when he replies that she's fine, say "oh, are you really sure?" He may well ask why you want to know and, of course, you just reply "oh, no reason, really" and never explain why you asked You come across in text as being polite and concerned for SIL, while, hopefully making them think WTF? Just like SIL did to you.

Ignore her. She will HATE that.

@Antirrhinum

PA her back. Text DB: "Is SIL quite alright?" The when he replies that she's fine, say "oh, are you really sure?" He may well ask why you want to know and, of course, you just reply "oh, no reason, really" and never explain why you asked You come across in text as being polite and concerned for SIL, while, hopefully making them think WTF? Just like SIL did to you.

OP, this is close enough to what your SIL is doing, since it's also dishonest and PA; the poster is tight that it's just like what she did. So imagine you do this. What outcome are you hoping for? What do you want people to do? If your brother simply ignored it or never did anything beyond saying "yep, she's great, thanks for asking"...how would you feel?

And that is why you need to NOT DO WHAT SHE WANTS, which frankly is crap like this.

Acknowledge the card because otherwise you might look like you're refusing to speak to her, but just say something like, "Thank you for the lovely card, merry Christmas". Just act as though you have no idea she even tried to get to you.

There may be something you could do about the wider issue relating to your brother as well, but taking her bait, doing what she wants, in any form, is not it. Think Sansa Stark. Don't do what Ramsay wants you to do..

I think if you engage, you will gain nothing. Your DB isn't actually that D and even if he agreed the card was mean, what would that actually get you?

I think she will be most annoyed if you simply ignore so do that and feel smug at her frustrated malice.

OP I think the best thing you can do is ignore her card and message entirely and simply do not engage. She thinks she has the power to make you 'answerable' to her and she absolutely does not. Any response from you will be the fan to the flame and she's off....don't give her the satisfaction..

We had a comparable situation with someone in dh's family who wrote a most horrible poison letter to him (but it was really about me though cleverly I was not explicitly named) and this person who had meant a lot to my dh was so vile and bitter and so full of hatred that it was a real shocker.

They were looking for, spoiling for a fight and there would be no winning it. They would just sink lower and lower in the arguing. The reason behind the letter was a dislike of me because I saw through them and whilst always polite and friendly and never, ever confrontational I did not fawn over this person who assumed a senior role in the family dynamics.

So....after tears and upset and soul searching we took the decision to completely and utterly ignore it as if we have never received it or read it.

We minimised all contact but maintained the status quo and it that person never had the satisfaction of knowing how deeply those words wounded dh. He lost all respect after that and the relationship was formal and distant when it could have been so much more. The loss was entirely on the letter writer's side.

Stay strong OP, you have done nothing wrong. I would perhaps consider a way to maintain the link with the children if that's important to you.

Send them 2 age appropriate books from Amazon and then it's job done.

It's so unsettling when the ground shifts from under you and it does make you question everything.

Joking apart (though if you ever do decide to send presents for the children again you have had some excellent suggestions which should keep you going for several years) the best thing is to just ignore it I think. It's unpleasant and the natural response is to want to hit back, but it is likely to cause more problems which won't really help you. I suspect that your SIL does want a response and is looking for drama - don't give it to her.
I have had similar issues both in my work and home lives and have found completely ignoring this kind of thing avoids conflict where there can't really be a "winner" but also has the enjoyable side effect of totally freaking out the sender. People who behave this way don't seem to be able to understand a non response as it's not how their minds work. And they tend, in my experience, to be attention seeking individuals so being ignored upsets them more than a big argument.

Ah, you're all lovely.

Apart from the people who suggested bagpipes: you're clearly evil but I like your style.

What I should have been doing yesterday was finishing a letter to a lovely cousin. I couldn't manage that and this thread, so SIL's just unwittingly exemplified the fact that time and energy devoted to dealing with her batshittery, is time and energy taken directly from me maintaining more positive relationships.

I shall follow the excellent advice not to let her take up any more headspace for a while.

I've let her take up your time as well, mea culpa, but you've given me plenty of useful food for thought when I do get round to her again.

Plus, did someone mention marshmallows?

Just in case there's still time to choose presents...
Deliver them a bottle of whisky, and the DCs a harmonica each. It's the combination that's a gift that keeps on giving.

@HubrisPolice you do indeed sound lovely and your real friends (who can be more like family than family) are very lucky to have you enriching your lives.
Your brother and sister in law, however, do not deserve you. Let them go, ignore them and hope that the children discover what a brilliant person you are on their own. At the moment their parents won't facilitate a relationship and you are merely there to provide presents that they may or may not want their children to receive.
Having dealt with a toxic mother for years - and a brother who was deluded as to the extent of her toxicity - I found that the only way to live was to remove yourself from the venom.