to send him a copy of her pass-agg card?

[HubrisPolice]

I have received a marvellously nasty Christmas card from my sister-in-law. Absolutely dripping saccharine venom.

Now normally I wouldn't dream of passing shit like this around. I might take a sanity-check with someone close to me whom she'll never meet, but in general I wouldn't show private correspondence around.

I also feel strongly one shouldn't mess with loyalty between husband and wife.

Buuuuuut... she's signed my DB's name to her shit.

DB is usually the one who writes the cards to me, or at the very least they both sign them. There's nothing to show he's even seen this one.

My options are

a) I can ignore and have my DB wondering why people are apparently behaving weirdly.

b) I can speak to her directly – my normal approach, but in my old age I've learned that engaging with batshit just elicits... more batshit.

c) I can send him a copy of the card she has written and to which she has appended both his and her names.

Now it may or not be an actual good move to send him a copy: still pondering that one! But in terms of whether it's ethically permissable:

YABU: it's a private note from her to you, he's not entitled to know the contents and what's more you should be at pains never to play husband off against wife;

YANBU: it's a note with his name at the bottom, he's entitled to know what's being said in his name.

Too much wine

Blimey they both sound unaware. Some people are so convinced their behaviour is fine and are unable to see how they come across to others. They often behave like shit to those they know won’t pick them up on it. And even if they are picked up on it, manage to turn it around so that you are the guilty party and end up apologising. My DD is very much like this. I have accepted this is what she is like and am working on letting the self-centred behaviour go. She won’t and seemingly can’t change and can’t conceive that she might be seen as self-centred.

I think you might well be wasting your time challenging your DB here. I think your decision to stop running after them and spending time and energy elsewhere and with more deserving people is a sound one. And you haven’t abandoned your nephew and niece. That’s bloody ridiculous.

@SunshineCake, I'm sorry to hear that.

ethics of whether or not he deserves to know what his name is put to aside..... what do you hope to achieve from showing him this?
Not necessarily saying you shouldnt, but curious as to why you haven't reflected on that at all
Say you show him.... what is the optimum outcome that you hope to achieve?

Ha. My 'D'SIS sent me a mirror this year with a quote along the lines of looking at my own faults before I focus on others'.

For my 40th. In defense of our 'D'M who physically and emotionally abused both of us (but mainly me, and my sister has normalised and minimised it) for years.

I went ballistic at her in an email and then went NC.

It's nice to have peace

Is it at all possible to have a Zoom call with your DB OP? Maybe you could show him the card and look puzzled, whilst being eminently friendly and reasonable.

Definitely tell him she sounds like a nut case!

I'm going to go against the grain here and say if they can't be bothered to keep in touch with one of their closest relatives who they know has serious health problems (especially this year), frankly they can whistle for presents and cards for their kids

I totally agree. I hate that some people think that just because you're an aunt that somehow you owe the nieces and nephews in some way even if their parents can't be arsed with you.

I wouldn't write.

I would ring DB. Have an open mind. See what he says. And things will be clearer (one hopes)

i wouldn't write - she'll probably intercept his mail, or influence his response when he asks her!

Just direct phonecall e.g. when he's at work?

If it was from my SIL I’d take a photo and send it to him with a WTF?

So the crux of all this is she’s pissed off you didn’t said bd presents. Has she asked how you’ve been during the pandemic?

Yes, maybe ringing is better. Also no evidence for her to outrage herself with.

I would totally ignore it and carry on as you are. This is not worth the brain space.

Your brother and SIL are clearly one of "those" cheeky fuckers who think that now they are parents that the world must bow to their fertility and do as they command. It's ridiculous that you are expected to travel a distance that requires you to stay in a hotel room overnight and struggle with overnight bags etc. While it's difficult to travel with 2 little kids, I bet it's not as hard as the trouble that you go to when you visit them. I'm really sorry that they take advantage of you like this.

I'm sorry that they also prioritise receiving gifts for their kids over checking that you're ok healthwise. Would they know how the pandemic has affected your income and outgoings? Do they send you birthday and Xmas gifts?

[quote HubrisPolice]@SunshineCake, I'm sorry to hear that. [/quote]
Thank you. You're a class act. .

Oh I wish I were. No, I'm a bit of a twat really.

But a twat who's slowly coming to realise that sometimes not all of the twattery in the room is originating from her own corner...

Regarding the ethical dilemma of whether or not it's okay to share correspondence, in this case, I wouldn't have a problem with it. After all, his name's on it! And it's something from his own wife, to you, his own sister. Not like you're passing it around to your parents, an aunt or uncle, or people she doesn't know. It's not private, personal information (medical, finances, etc.), either.

I would say, though, that your brother may not appreciate the information. What is he going to do about it? I guess he could insist on writing the card to you himself, from now on, but most likely, he won't thank you for bringing to his attention something that he'll feel he now has to deal with and which will only cause conflict between himself and his wife, right before Christmas.

I can see why she might be unhappy that you seemed to stop all contact (especially where the children are concerned, even if they are young), but of course she was wrong to approach it as she has. It's not the action of a mature, balanced mind.

So the whole baby abandoning thing is not that you stamped on her chihuahuas, or left her offspring in a forest clearing in the clutches of a witch in a gingerbread house, but she’s pissed off that a largely housebound relative with significant disabilities in another country, with whom she doesn’t bother much at other times, hasn’t given her small children her usual thoughtful presents.

Holy God.

I have to say OP, your way of writing has me howling!

She seems like a total tit to be honest. Looking forward to hearing how you plan to proceed!

She sounds crazy, but I think you should have sent a gift to the kids, no matter how little they are.

Plenty of horribly noisy annoying toys on Amazon. I can highly recommend anything in the vtech range for top annoyance levels. Or a big bag of marshmallows. Take your pick.

I think I'd play her at her own game, don't ask him about the card as you'll probably get accused of being a stirrer. I'd write/email/phone and say how sorry you are that you've made him and SIL feel that you've abandoned the children. You don't want to moan but with your disability and covid it has all been difficult, maybe you should have been more open and told them about the struggles with not being able to see people, not being able to get out, the pain when you couldn't get your med.

Hopefully he will feel bad about it and be more thoughtful.

YANBU but I am so disappointed they aren't fur babies

@Nore

So the whole baby abandoning thing is not that you stamped on her chihuahuas, or left her offspring in a forest clearing in the clutches of a witch in a gingerbread house, but she’s pissed off that a largely housebound relative with significant disabilities in another country, with whom she doesn’t bother much at other times, hasn’t given her small children her usual thoughtful presents.

Holy God.

You can have a permanent job as my précis-taker. (God knows I need one.)

That's it in a nutshell.

Libraries, glitter has come to mind...

It’s obvious she is annoyed you haven’t sent the children birthday presents this year. Considering how little care they show you I understand why this year you decided no more putting yourself out and used your limited energy elsewhere.

You can either tell them that which as they have little self awareness will not stand back and think actually we do expect Hubris to do all the heavy lifting in our relationship and so sis in law will just massively be affronted. (I pick up your brother will be less bothered) or you just ignore her passive aggressive dig as she will never see things fairly. I think I would go for ignore especially as it has the added bonus of annoying her you not taking the bait!