DH insists I move on from massive row with his parents

[LoveIsTheLight]

I am looking for an honest answer. I want to do the right thing. I have no shame in admitting I am wrong, but I have always been brought up to only apologize when I have done wrong or unjust. Long story short, we moved (to where my husbands family reside) from overseas and decided to stay with his family until we could find work and become stable. We don’t live there anymore but everything happened while there. Shortly after, found out I was pregnant with first DD. My mum came to visit from overseas after a massive operation to help out with new baby because it was her first gradchild and it was her hearts desire to hold her newborn grandbaby despite her health condition. In laws made clear they would not be able to help and MIL booked 6 teeth implant procedures during the delivery dates. So as a new mom I was hugely relieved and grateful that my mom was going to be there to help me navigate the first few weeks of motherhood. I had no expectations from inlaws despite living in their home. Anyway MIL and SIL (who came to visit on the date of my delivery) were horrid to me throughout. MIL actually forced her way into my delivery room as I was screaming in pain (I had a traumatic delivery, DD almost did not make it, neither did I as I lost alot of blood) and nurse had to ask her to leave multiple times as I was often naked, being checked by multiple doctors and bleeding profusely on the hospital bed. She managed to blame me after for making her feel excluded during the delivery. Which to me was shocking as she did absolutely nothing for me and her grandchild once we were home, not even offer to make me a cup of tea. My mom was the rock who helped, cooked n cleaned n did laundry and made sure I was fed and on the road to recovery despite being rather unwell herself. Anyway one day I had enough and snapped at MIL when she passed a rude comment at my mother. She started yelling and ran out in the garden and said some horrible things about me. Fast forward a few days later when things were calm, DH,DM and baby and I sat down to have a conversation with inlaws and speak heart to heart about how we were feeling. She got so angry about the things I shared, denied them all infront of her son snd husband and threw her glasses violently towards my baby and mom and screeched at My DH, “take her away! Get her out of here!” as if I was a dog and started hurling obscenities at my mom n I. Baby started crying/my mom was shocked, she took baby in arms and asked me to leave with her. Fast forward, we moved out at a very inconvenient time financially and with a new baby. Now DH has a good stable job, financially comfortable and have a beautiful apartment. Happy domestic life. But DH insists I go along with him to meet his family and let by gones be bygones. His parents have been asking about me and telling him time has passed, she should forget what happened etc. I think they want access to my daughter which I am on the fence about. But by refusing to go, I am essentially coming off as the B^t*h here. AIBU in not wanting to go?

She walked in, i got truly upset because I wasn’t wearing much n was being checked by the doc, I shouted please this is not okay, nurse came to defence and told her to leave. DH went out n she was crying on phone with SIL😒

I wouldn’t let it go. They haven’t even apologised. I wouldn’t let my daughter be around her either without me as she’s a lunatic and your husband has learned to think this is normal and sweep things under the rug to keep the peace. He wouldn’t tell you what he does while you’re not there and she clearly thinks she can boss younger women about so she’ll teach your daughter to be subservient and join in with the rest of the family in ignoring her unacceptable behaviour.

What culture are they from?

It's unforgiveable behaviour. I'd tell your DH that maybe in time you might come round but it's only been 3 mths and there has been no apology. I'm surprised you haven't got PTSD over her behaviour and the traumatic birth - you need time to heal mentally and physically, not pander to the demands of his utterly deplorable mother.

LoveIsTheLight, well it's good they got her out of there, I assume it was quick from how you describe it, bit like my experience when I threatened to leave. I didn't even want DH in there but no support from midwife on that.

She shouldn't have been able to get in there though, I thought they had security doors now and had to get buzzed through.

I have to say something about the posters who are basically saying "well, it was MIL's house" and "were you paying them for living there" and stuff along those lines.

You don't get to behave in an abusive manner to people who you invite to live with you because it's "your" house.

Imagine the criminal court case where an abuser said, "well, it was my house", as a justification of their crime.

You also don't get to be abusive if you think you are entitled to money that is not forthcoming either, so I don't see why asking if they were paying to live there is relevant.

I’ve had to move on past a nasty MIL. I have to facilitate her relation with my children. We have had awkward times especially just after the Big Falling Out. I have my revenge - leave it to husband to call, contact, etc, I buy expensive and lovely gifts but with zero personalisation, and don’t respond to any messages. I am not her friend and she is not my friend. I’m not friends with people who behave badly to me.

I speak about her well to the children, talk about her warmly to them, and get them to make her art etc - but I could do so so so much more and don’t. Husband’s free to make the effort to assist the relationship if he likes.

@Britishmanagersclub

Nope. Fuck them.

My take on this exactly

Poor you, this all sounds awful!

But, if your husband thinks this isn’t an issue and that you should accept this and move on, then I’m afraid you have an even bigger problem here.

YANBU...fuck em! Too little too late,Horrible shits they are.

Please don't do it.
I spent 23 years biting my tongue and putting up with all the shit my in-laws put me through. I've been non contact for 18 months and it's bliss.
She was in the wrong so don't back down.

Fuck that. His Mum can start by making a very sincere apology to you personally.

@madcatladyforever

Sod them all, they sound completely mad. If you DH wants your child to meet them he can take DC on his own.

They do.

Bur on the other hand it sounds equally mad to be living with your inlaws, having a baby, and then inviting your own mum to join in the family fun.

OP I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this.
As many PP have noted, if I were you the most important aspect of this situation is how your DH acts. From what you've told us, it seems that your MIL has behaved appallingly towards you. Hence, your DH should be having your back, supporting you, and telling MIL that she needs to apologise big-time. You are his wife, and no one should be able to treat you like MIL has. Therefore I think you need to have an honest, calm heart-to-heart with him about how MIL has made you feel, and why you need him to support you in this. Perhaps if MIL apologised I would tentatively engage with her again; but without an apology, I personally wouldn't. Good luck OP.

What the hell is your DH thinking about OP. It is unbelievable that he has not had your back especially when you were/are vulnerable with a newborn. It is his job surely to protect you, not enable his ghastly entitled mother to abuse you and the baby. Tell him in no uncertain words that he has got to step up and grow a spine and support you and DD by telling them what was wrong here. If I was you I would get the hell out of there and move away from PILs as your daughter grows up. As for your MIL's "right" to be in the delivery room - words fail me. Saying this, I don't care if there is a cultural difference. If she is living in the west - say Canada or UK, she has to act accordingly and treat her DIL decently. A grovelling apology from her is the least you are entitled to, and as someone else said, you are likely to still be traumatised by events around the birth. Look after yourself and DD first, tell DH to do the same, and let the rest of them stew. Good luck with it, you need it.

I think OP is saying she lives in Canada now where her mom lives, but the birth took place in different country. Yet her DP can take the baby frequently to see the barging-in MIL who lived 'overseas'. Confusing. Maybe OP gave birth in North Dakota?

Talk of Security guards at Canadian hospital doors here.

Holy fuck. I'd be fuming with my husband for essentially taking her side. She came into the room while you were giving birth! Honestly I would never have married DH if his family were like this, I have no idea how people cope with this.

It's only been 12 weeks, he shouldn't be taking your young baby to hers. And they need to massively appologise to you. Not nearly enough time has passed

Your husband is bang out of order for pushing you to get over it so soon without so much as an apology. He needs to stand up for his wife and child.

OP, I wouldn't accept an apology even if provided. Tell you DH he can structure his relationship with his mum however he likes, but she will not be welcomed in your home and you will never go to theirs.
I would consider not allowing her access to your child as well

I dont get the impression that are from the UK. I wonder if there are some culture differences here but storming into the delivery room!! That would never have happened in the UK. Where was your DH whilst your MIL was in the room and what was he doing?

They were unreasonable. But in all honesty it seems like a recipe for distater to not move out once you knew you were pregnant. It's a bit of a piss take to mev in with in laws then have a baby.

@lljkk I'm pretty sure the OP lives in Canada now (formerly with MIL in separate section of MIL's house, now in a different apartment/house), MIL lives in Canada, OP gave birth in Canada, and her own mother lives somewhere abroad.

Yanbu in not wanting to see her yourself. But YABU in not allowing your DH to visit with the baby. I really don’t think he would let any harm come to your dc. Don’t get into using your dc as a pawn in your battles with her.

She has to 'apologise', I put it in quotes because she doesn't believe she could be wrong Therefore will never regret it. Is it that she feels that she is 'entitled' because she is the senior member of the clan and you are junior?
Husband is I guess conforming to custom and practice, the matriarch is the boss.

Are arranged marriages common? Is there some lingering back story there?
Comparison, Army: The Colonel might be wrong, but who is brave enough to tell him.
You are in a very difficult position and I would say this: - It is only 3 months (I think). Can you live your life with DH skirting round this for a year?

Can you explain to him over the next weeks and months that you are equal and deserve the same respect as her and anyone else, male female of whatever generation.
Back to my first line. Whilst you will not get a sincere apology. She and DH must acknowledge that her behaviour was plain Wrong.

I'd be cutting ties. Imagine what she'll be saying about you to your daughter down the line.

I'd also not stay with a man who sat by and did nothing after his family treated me like absolute shit, crossed many boundaries so vilely, and then made it about them. Fuck that. And now he's pressing you to visit? Mama's boy much?

He'll never have your back by the sounds of it.

I agree.. no way the child would be going anywhere near them either

I feel heartbroken. I have a new baby. And this mess. I have been let down by my husband. I understand that and I have communicated to him what I believe he did wrong. But I also understand that my baby deserves a chance to have both mum n dad present in her life. I am very resentful of my husband. We met 5 years ago and fell in love. So I am truly feeling dejected when I see that my husband chose not support me. But..I don’t want to break up my family over his mother..I hope I was able to explain how I feel. I think the most intelligent way to handle this is to have zero expectations from DH, watch out for the baby n myself and be strong n tight lipped whilst continuing to stand up for my principles. When the baby is older, I may have to actively teach her to be polite/loving n courteous but also wary of confiding in MIL and SIL. I don’t know how else to best handle this.