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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH insists I move on from massive row with his parents

265 replies

LoveIsTheLight · 17/12/2020 12:18

I am looking for an honest answer. I want to do the right thing. I have no shame in admitting I am wrong, but I have always been brought up to only apologize when I have done wrong or unjust. Long story short, we moved (to where my husbands family reside) from overseas and decided to stay with his family until we could find work and become stable. We don’t live there anymore but everything happened while there. Shortly after, found out I was pregnant with first DD. My mum came to visit from overseas after a massive operation to help out with new baby because it was her first gradchild and it was her hearts desire to hold her newborn grandbaby despite her health condition. In laws made clear they would not be able to help and MIL booked 6 teeth implant procedures during the delivery dates. So as a new mom I was hugely relieved and grateful that my mom was going to be there to help me navigate the first few weeks of motherhood. I had no expectations from inlaws despite living in their home. Anyway MIL and SIL (who came to visit on the date of my delivery) were horrid to me throughout. MIL actually forced her way into my delivery room as I was screaming in pain (I had a traumatic delivery, DD almost did not make it, neither did I as I lost alot of blood) and nurse had to ask her to leave multiple times as I was often naked, being checked by multiple doctors and bleeding profusely on the hospital bed. She managed to blame me after for making her feel excluded during the delivery. Which to me was shocking as she did absolutely nothing for me and her grandchild once we were home, not even offer to make me a cup of tea. My mom was the rock who helped, cooked n cleaned n did laundry and made sure I was fed and on the road to recovery despite being rather unwell herself. Anyway one day I had enough and snapped at MIL when she passed a rude comment at my mother. She started yelling and ran out in the garden and said some horrible things about me. Fast forward a few days later when things were calm, DH,DM and baby and I sat down to have a conversation with inlaws and speak heart to heart about how we were feeling. She got so angry about the things I shared, denied them all infront of her son snd husband and threw her glasses violently towards my baby and mom and screeched at My DH, “take her away! Get her out of here!” as if I was a dog and started hurling obscenities at my mom n I. Baby started crying/my mom was shocked, she took baby in arms and asked me to leave with her. Fast forward, we moved out at a very inconvenient time financially and with a new baby. Now DH has a good stable job, financially comfortable and have a beautiful apartment. Happy domestic life. But DH insists I go along with him to meet his family and let by gones be bygones. His parents have been asking about me and telling him time has passed, she should forget what happened etc. I think they want access to my daughter which I am on the fence about. But by refusing to go, I am essentially coming off as the B^t*h here. AIBU in not wanting to go?

OP posts:
TingTastic · 17/12/2020 14:35

[quote Alexandernevermind]@TingTastic
I would love to hear MIL side of the story
I don't think there is one, the hospital thing I keep harping on about makes me think this is Jackanory.[/quote]
Hadn’t read the full thread but I think you’re probably right. My labour ward was properly locked down even before Covid, no way that anyone could barge in

Leaannb · 17/12/2020 14:36

@Alexandernevermind

Back to this what the hell happened to hospital security where you gave birth? The delivery and baby suite of our local NHS hospital is like Fort Knox. You only gave birth 3 months ago, in a pandemic, and only the absolute minimum of people are allowed in hospital. Even fathers in some cases haven't been allowed in until birth is imminent. How was your MIL able to gain access the the highest security area in the hospital and force her way in multiple times? Sorry if I'm wrong but I'm smelling a rat.
That was in the UK...OP is in Canada. Their rules weren't as strict and definitely not run by the NHS
Leaannb · 17/12/2020 14:37

@TingTastic.....Do you live in Canada like OP does?

NRE20 · 17/12/2020 14:38

Isn’t it hurtful when the wronged party is the one asked to mend bridges and not the one who broke them in the first place?
I’d feel hurt at my husband for not standing firmly at my side when being attacked as a brand new mum dealing with such big things, in someone else’s home. He must have been present during the initial upset. It seems to me that by allowing you in laws to have regular contact with your DD, you’ve already been very compassionate and generous, prioritising your daughter’s needs to have a relationship with their grandparents and their desire to be in contact with her. Has your DH tried to get his parents to see things from your perspective? In my opinion (albeit from a limited perspective), DH would be the one worth talking to and trying to get him to understand that your in laws shouldn’t be asking you to forget, but trying to make amends, if they want an improved relationship.

NRE20 · 17/12/2020 14:40

Oh and if they insist on seeing you, could it be in your own home, on your turf?

JillofTrades · 17/12/2020 14:41

Gosh op I would never share the same breathing space with that awful woman. And neither would my child. And your dh can join them if he pressures you to let it go. Don't do it. The resentment will eat you up anyway.

2me2u2u2me · 17/12/2020 14:43

Sorry, I wouldn't accept an apology, behaving like this in the first place is horrendous, doing it whilst you have a new baby, HER granddaughter, is unforgivable in my eyes. As a previous poster said, fuck em, no way would I have anything to do with them ever again and I know this as I've wiped my dad right out of my life for similar behaviour, I'm much happier having done so!

YoniAndGuy · 17/12/2020 14:46

You are letting your baby be taken to visit the woman that threw something at her, by your non-loyal DH?

Sorry I think that is completely wrong - and extremely counter-productive. MIL may want to see you now, but before long when baby is older she'll probably be pleased that you've managed to ok a situation where they get to be a family all together and YOU have cut YOURSELF out. Wait until your DD is coming home bubbling with news of all the fun they've had at Granny's and beggign to go more. With Daddy of course, because Mummy isn't part of that special time.

I would move, frankly. Very, very far away, and use that to cut the relationship with your child as much as possible.

You are not going to be allowed to be a proper family with this controller in the mix.

Crankley · 17/12/2020 14:48

Tell your DH to come back and ask you again after hell freezes over. No way you should apologise to that awful woman.

WhereamI88 · 17/12/2020 14:52

Been there, done that. Had to apologise to my in laws for their awful treatment of ME on MY wedding day just to keep the peace. I did it for ex-dH's sake, he similarly asked me to forget about it, apologize, how I'm holding a grudge and ruining the family etc. So I did it. And you know what? It made it worse because my role in the family was now clear. She cried tears of joy when I apologised. And then their behaviour got worse at each opportunity when they felt their authority was being challenged. And DH looked at me to pacify things every time. I divorced him and this was one of the issues that pushed me to leave.

Don't go there. You don't have to have a relationship with them and your DH needs to learn he has to keep YOU happy, not mummy.

Brefugee · 17/12/2020 14:53

Letting you, DH, baby & your mum stay in her house doesn’t make her sound like the worst woman in the world, more saintly tbh.

some selective reading skills there, are you the MIL?

PlanDeRaccordement · 17/12/2020 14:53

First, MIL storming the delivery room was terrible and she owes you an abject apology for that.

Second, it has only been 3 months after such a traumatic birth worsened by MIL so I think your DH is wrong to ask you to let by homes be by gones so soon. I’d consider him more reasonable if it had been 3 years.

Third, MIL obviously is wound tight and doesn’t handle conflict well because the heart to heart went so badly causing her to completely lose her shit, throw her glasses at you & baby, and run out the house screaming obscenities, etc. So MIL needs to apologise for that as well and perhaps needs a bit of counselling/anger management.

However, because MIL did put a free roof over your head for a year and is sending peace offerings of food, her heart may be in the right place and I’d consider giving her a second chance if she apologised for the two incidents above. If she does apologise, then take baby steps to reconnect. Don’t do anything stressful like go over for an entire day. Start with meeting for a half hour stroll with baby in pram at a park.

If she can’t or won’t apologise, I would stay away myself but allow the DC to go with DH to visit periodically but not until older as in for first birthday and onwards. I wouldn’t allow them any time with DC not supervised by your DH. So no child care. No sleepovers.

naturalyoghurtmuncher · 17/12/2020 14:56

Tell them you will visit with the baby once mil has apologised for her childish nasty behaviour.

Leaannb · 17/12/2020 15:01

@PlanDeRaccordement

First, MIL storming the delivery room was terrible and she owes you an abject apology for that.

Second, it has only been 3 months after such a traumatic birth worsened by MIL so I think your DH is wrong to ask you to let by homes be by gones so soon. I’d consider him more reasonable if it had been 3 years.

Third, MIL obviously is wound tight and doesn’t handle conflict well because the heart to heart went so badly causing her to completely lose her shit, throw her glasses at you & baby, and run out the house screaming obscenities, etc. So MIL needs to apologise for that as well and perhaps needs a bit of counselling/anger management.

However, because MIL did put a free roof over your head for a year and is sending peace offerings of food, her heart may be in the right place and I’d consider giving her a second chance if she apologised for the two incidents above. If she does apologise, then take baby steps to reconnect. Don’t do anything stressful like go over for an entire day. Start with meeting for a half hour stroll with baby in pram at a park.

If she can’t or won’t apologise, I would stay away myself but allow the DC to go with DH to visit periodically but not until older as in for first birthday and onwards. I wouldn’t allow them any time with DC not supervised by your DH. So no child care. No sleepovers.

Read the thread...OP and her husband paid for the luxury of living with MIl and being assaulted by her...Food is not peace offering. If a husband threw something at his newborn child and wife people would be screaming abuse. Leave immediately etc...But because its a grandparent worthless words are enoigh.Explain to me the logic of this? Why should OP stick around for more abuse?
2bazookas · 17/12/2020 15:03

Since you mum lives abroad, the PILS are your child's most accessible grandparents, and for her sake you should not discount how much pleasure and fun they may bring her for many years to come. Plus, you may find that with GD-contact as the prize, MIL might mellow and become more helpful to you when you need it. (Trust me; with a child, you might sometimes appreciate family back-up).

   With that in mind I suggest you  give them a second chance and agree to try for a new start. 

  You can negotiate with DH in advance , what  you and he both need to do to try and improve relations with his parents;  AND, what behaviours from MIL  can be classed as "  genuinely making a civil effort"   and " fuck that, we're done with her"

If it doesn't work out, too bad, at least DH will know you tried and nobody can accuse you of being the one not making the effort.

  Good luck.
NoddyWithAVoddy · 17/12/2020 15:04

I wouldn't be seeing them ever, and nor would my baby.
Quite frankly, if my mum had have witnessed my M.I.L carrying on like that, my M.I.L would have been picking her teeth up off the floor, especially if her grandchild almost came to harm.
I can't believe your Husband is even asking you such a ridiculous thing.

PlanDeRaccordement · 17/12/2020 15:10

If a husband threw something at his newborn child and wife people would be screaming abuse. Leave immediately etc...But because its a grandparent worthless words are enoigh.Explain to me the logic of this? Why should OP stick around for more abuse?

Read the thread. The OP doesn’t live with the MIL, they have left. There is a difference between living with a person and occasionally visiting them in a public place.

GCAcademic · 17/12/2020 15:11

If someone had thrown something at my baby, they would not be allowed anywhere near him or her again. And if my DH was pushing for them to, I would be working out how to move back to my home country.

With that in mind I suggest you give them a second chance and agree to try for a new start.

I'm all for giving people a second chance. If they acknowledge that they were wrong. If they don't, they clearly don't think that they were, and are pretty much guaranteed to repeat the behaviour. Which, let's remind ourselves, included throwing something at a newborn.

Leaannb · 17/12/2020 15:11

@2bazookas

Since you mum lives abroad, the PILS are your child's most accessible grandparents, and for her sake you should not discount how much pleasure and fun they may bring her for many years to come. Plus, you may find that with GD-contact as the prize, MIL might mellow and become more helpful to you when you need it. (Trust me; with a child, you might sometimes appreciate family back-up). 
   With that in mind I suggest you  give them a second chance and agree to try for a new start. 

  You can negotiate with DH in advance , what  you and he both need to do to try and improve relations with his parents;  AND, what behaviours from MIL  can be classed as "  genuinely making a civil effort"   and " fuck that, we're done with her"

If it doesn't work out, too bad, at least DH will know you tried and nobody can accuse you of being the one not making the effort.

  Good luck.</div></div>

Would you suggest OP to give an abusive husband a second chance because the kids mean so much to him? No. So why are you advocating her giving her abusive MIL another chance? I don't understand this.

Leaannb · 17/12/2020 15:13

@PlanDeRaccordement

If a husband threw something at his newborn child and wife people would be screaming abuse. Leave immediately etc...But because its a grandparent worthless words are enoigh.Explain to me the logic of this? Why should OP stick around for more abuse?

Read the thread. The OP doesn’t live with the MIL, they have left. There is a difference between living with a person and occasionally visiting them in a public place.

Public places do not prevent abuse honey....Neither do witnesses otherwise MIl wouldn't have done this to begin with
DryRoastPeanut · 17/12/2020 15:13

take her away! Get her out of here!

Remind him of this, and tell DH that you will not be visiting you mil again because of what she told you. Not because you’re being petty but because it was made perfectly clear that she didn’t want you in her life. She doesn’t get to pick n choose, she’s made her choice.

crazeelala2u · 17/12/2020 15:14

If there was no apology and no communication, they have no right to insist or ask for anything.
By going and not talking it through it's setting a precedence of what you will tolerate.

BlueThistles · 17/12/2020 15:20

Not a chance would I forgive MIL... and I'd be telling your (D)H to piss right off with his family gathering delusions 🌺

Suzi888 · 17/12/2020 15:24

She’s nuts. No chance, “forcing her way into delivery room”, that would be enough for me. She wants your child, not you!

PlanDeRaccordement · 17/12/2020 15:30

Public places do not prevent abuse honey....Neither do witnesses otherwise MIl wouldn't have done this to begin with

@Leeaannb
I’m not your honey. And what is your point? That abuse is just as likely in public as in a private home? Because that’s categorically not true.

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