DH insists I move on from massive row with his parents

[LoveIsTheLight]

I am looking for an honest answer. I want to do the right thing. I have no shame in admitting I am wrong, but I have always been brought up to only apologize when I have done wrong or unjust. Long story short, we moved (to where my husbands family reside) from overseas and decided to stay with his family until we could find work and become stable. We don’t live there anymore but everything happened while there. Shortly after, found out I was pregnant with first DD. My mum came to visit from overseas after a massive operation to help out with new baby because it was her first gradchild and it was her hearts desire to hold her newborn grandbaby despite her health condition. In laws made clear they would not be able to help and MIL booked 6 teeth implant procedures during the delivery dates. So as a new mom I was hugely relieved and grateful that my mom was going to be there to help me navigate the first few weeks of motherhood. I had no expectations from inlaws despite living in their home. Anyway MIL and SIL (who came to visit on the date of my delivery) were horrid to me throughout. MIL actually forced her way into my delivery room as I was screaming in pain (I had a traumatic delivery, DD almost did not make it, neither did I as I lost alot of blood) and nurse had to ask her to leave multiple times as I was often naked, being checked by multiple doctors and bleeding profusely on the hospital bed. She managed to blame me after for making her feel excluded during the delivery. Which to me was shocking as she did absolutely nothing for me and her grandchild once we were home, not even offer to make me a cup of tea. My mom was the rock who helped, cooked n cleaned n did laundry and made sure I was fed and on the road to recovery despite being rather unwell herself. Anyway one day I had enough and snapped at MIL when she passed a rude comment at my mother. She started yelling and ran out in the garden and said some horrible things about me. Fast forward a few days later when things were calm, DH,DM and baby and I sat down to have a conversation with inlaws and speak heart to heart about how we were feeling. She got so angry about the things I shared, denied them all infront of her son snd husband and threw her glasses violently towards my baby and mom and screeched at My DH, “take her away! Get her out of here!” as if I was a dog and started hurling obscenities at my mom n I. Baby started crying/my mom was shocked, she took baby in arms and asked me to leave with her. Fast forward, we moved out at a very inconvenient time financially and with a new baby. Now DH has a good stable job, financially comfortable and have a beautiful apartment. Happy domestic life. But DH insists I go along with him to meet his family and let by gones be bygones. His parents have been asking about me and telling him time has passed, she should forget what happened etc. I think they want access to my daughter which I am on the fence about. But by refusing to go, I am essentially coming off as the B^t*h here. AIBU in not wanting to go?

@devuskums

I would be waiting for a sincere apology from mil before I even thought about seeing her again.

This is what I would say.

I would say all of what you have said -including the forcing her way into the room when you were delivering your baby and at your most vulnerable and then as a new mother.

I would be insisting on a proper apology -and ground rules and boundaries before any access. I hate this "He takes the children on his own" as actually that's what she wants -to exclude you either through being abusive or you cutting her off.

My rule in the this situation -is your DH picks. Her or you. Either he supports you or marriage over.

YABU OP.

Why is someone who threw something at your child allowed to see her?

Your husband doesn't get to tell you to get over things.

She has shown you who she is and your weak little husband.

Buck up and mind your baby.
She needs one parent who is prepared to protect her from the craziness of your in laws.

@PlanDeRaccordement

Public places do not prevent abuse honey....Neither do witnesses otherwise MIl wouldn't have done this to begin with

@Leeaannb
I’m not your honey. And what is your point? That abuse is just as likely in public as in a private home? Because that’s categorically not true.

You are under the impression that abusers hide their abuse in public. Not really. It shows in other forms. But it doesn't stop. Otherwise, MIL wouldn't have done it to begin with. She abused her dil and grandchild in full view of her mother and husband

I would go. If it was important to my husband I would agree to meet with them. I would bite my tongue and smile. I would be prepared to do this once in a blue moon, and for a very short visit, up until the very next time the mad bad bitch looses it all over again. I have in laws, they are odd, as are all in laws. My family were normal but my husbands family are all as mad as frogs, other people's families usually are!

How did you manage to have multiple people in the delivery room during a pandemic?

Have you over-exaggerated MIL's behaviour? She did give you and DH somewhere to live, somewhere self-contained, and presumably had no objection to you moving your mother in after you'd had your baby.

That didn't ring true with me either, long time since I gave birth but even then you could just wander into the labour ward and short of having a look in every delivery room I'm not sure how she'd know where the OP was.

The glasses thing, I take it she took her specs off, not threw a pint pot ? Did she deliberately throw them at baby or did she throw them down on the table as she was upset and they bounced?

She doesn't sound great but I do think you aren't giving the full picture.

I also noticed the bit about your husband relying on you to make decisions, doesn't sound very healthy. Has he gone from a rather controlling mother to a wife who likes to have control? He's now a bit stuck between you.

It sounds to me like you outstayed your welcome and your mother moving in was the last straw.

She’s clearly mad.

You’ve every right not to see her again, but I’d be inclined to deign to see her I dunno once a year on the understanding that if she ever pulls such mad shit again that will be that.

You need to get to the bottom of the underlying issues you touch on at your family conference round the table.

Are there any big differences in race, religion, culture that account for their rudeness or more subtle societal differences in attitudes to money/financial self sufficiency, a woman’s role,? Alternatively, did they resent you living with them even though they had the space?

Unless you resolve the underlying issues they will fester and become more pernicious.

Only the most repeated and grovelling apology would be enough to make me forgive. And I would never forget.
One day your DH will have to choose between his wife and his mother. I hope he chooses wisely.
Personally I think you are being incredibly generous allowing your DC to visit MIL at all after her behaviour.
Do not give in.

You could point out to your DH that there's no point you forgiving them if they haven't asked for forgiveness? See if that gives him pause for thought?

You are under the impression that abusers hide their abuse in public. Not really. It shows in other forms. But it doesn't stop. Otherwise, MIL wouldn't have done it to begin with. She abused her dil and grandchild in full view of her mother and husband

No I’m not under that impression. All I said is that living with someone is different from meetIng then occasionally in a public place. And you attacked that by implying that the likelihood of abuse is the same in both situations. It’s not the same.
And besides, I’m not sure that the MIL actually “abused” her DIL and GD because what was described was she threw her glasses towards them, but that the glasses missed them entirely/did not hit them. So without having witnessed it, it is impossible to say if the MIL is guilty of any intent to physically abuse or if she just threw her glasses out of frustration carelessly. And since it is a singular incident of the MIL losing her temper out of an entire year, I am of the opinion that MIL isn’t a complete ogre and if she apologises, OP should consider giving her a second chance and then see if they can meet in park for a half hour or so now and then.

Nap, until they apologise. I have parents like this, thinks things should just be let go but never ever apologise and blame you if you don’t let it go.

Stick to your guns. Just because time has past dose not mean they are actually sorry. In my experience it will keep happening.

I think your right, they want to see their grandchild, they probably didn’t expect you to stand firm and cut them out.

That was Nup*🤦‍♀️

I would take the moral high ground by showing your DH that you are willing to give another chance on the understanding that your MiL acknowledges her behavior and apologises. However any hint of previous form, that's it no more contact! Also you get to call the shots on where, for how long etc MiL has contact with your DD.

My MIL can be as horrible as yours but what you need to worry about is not your MIL, but about your husband enabling and minimising the abusive way they behaved.

Personally, I was able to forgive my MIL after a few years and I’m in good terms with her nowadays but I could never forgive my husband, I was never able to see him in the same way after he witnessed the abuse, did’t stop it and expected me to pretend it never happened, so we split. I couldn’t bear the idea of wasting my life and be put through much abuse for someone who didn’t have my back and didn’t have a spine.

What is it you'd achieve by remaining no contact? What would you achieve by having contact? And again, would your child benefit or not benefit from the contact?

There is definitely a cultural divide. “Bring DIL to boot” doesn’t even begin to explain it

Okay, so that adds a bit more context and suggests you may never be able to persuade this woman to see what she's doing (or your DH, come to that)

I think you mentioned that you'd moved countries ... does moving back so you're completely away from her appeal I wonder?

Jesus 🙄 that's awful op! Three months is barely any length if time at all. As PPs have said, she owes you an incredibly sincere apology. And even then, I'm not sure I would be able to move on from it all straight away. I also think that your DH should understand that, what a disgusting way to be treated! Your DM sounds lovely 🌼

@Alexandernevermind the OP is in Canada not the UK, hence the word "overseas" used several times in the OP.

Just because someone lets you live in the ground floor apartment does not make them a saint. I know a Grandmother who does everything for show, has photos taken with herself and the Grandchildren, smiles for the camera and as soon as the camera is down she walks off from them, doesn't interact with them at all, just wants to look like a fantastic GP not actually be one. Cries to friends saying she doesn't get as much access as she wants, all lies, the DIL constantly asks her to come round as does the son, but she is just so busy. They have the messages to prove it.

@LoveIsTheLight as a child of an abusive Grandmother I would say be aware that as your child gets older she may well have questions. Mine was why would we visit someone regularly who was a complete bitch to my parent who I love? There were lots of snide remarks made about said parent especially when the other parent was out of ear shot. As we got older we could see her for who she was but I wished that actually my other parent hadn't taken us. That they had instead shown their loyalty to my other parent.

And no, the barging into the delivery suite would have been enough for me to never see her again. How dare she.

Our hospital allowed a couple support. My own mum didnt come but as i sat in the car to go to the hospital, MIL egged on by SIL came n sat in the car.I told Them that we hadn’t agreed for her to come n she needs to wait outside. My room had sliding doors. She just walked in. After nurse asked her to leave, DH called for FIL to come take her home.

I am guessing your dh and mil are from a culture different to yours, and where mil is perhaps disappointed not to have a daughter-in-law she could boss around etc etc. She possibly doesn't entirely understand that she's done anything much wrong and will eventually manage to make you the villain for not 'letting bygones be bygones'.

All I can suggest is that for your dh's sake, you agree to a very short meeting, once a year or so.

Probably not a good idea to let your child visit them without you because if she thinks it's ok to barge in on a delivery room, then she probably has very different ideas about looking after children.

Yes I know the hospital thing came up again n again. You excluded me. You told the nurse. I had every right etc etc.

As far as I can see you have not been asked to apologise!

Just that they have invited you over along with your DH and baby.

Your MIL's behaviour was horrible. YANBU to not want to go, and you have nothing to apologise for.

But life is long, and you have many years of being connected to this family...who knows, maybe another new baby at some stage.

So. I would accept an invitation to go for a short visit.

If there is any shenanigans say calmly "I don't feel comfortable with being talked to like that" and if that doesn't cure them and they come out with more 'off' stuff, just calmly say "I think it's time we hot the road now - have a good evening, BYEEE!' and leave.

You don't have to get close to her. You don't have to go often. But like it or not (I am not surprised you don't) she is faaaamily, and will always be in your dd's life.

Keep your enemies close can often be good advice.

If there is any ore trouble...well you know you tried, and your DH knows you tried and can see theat it is not down to you.

How long was she is the delivery suite with you, did you ask her to go/ask them to remove her. I'd expect the hospital to check with you if you were comfortable with who was coming in with you. I didn't want an audience when I was giving birth, told the midwife that if my mother came in the room I was leaving. When she put her head round the door I got up to leave, midwife realised I meant it and mother asked to leave.

Some things just aren't negotiable.

@KarmaNoMore

My MIL can be as horrible as yours but what you need to worry about is not your MIL, but about your husband enabling and minimising the abusive way they behaved.

Personally, I was able to forgive my MIL after a few years and I’m in good terms with her nowadays but I could never forgive my husband, I was never able to see him in the same way after he witnessed the abuse, did’t stop it and expected me to pretend it never happened, so we split. I couldn’t bear the idea of wasting my life and be put through much abuse for someone who didn’t have my back and didn’t have a spine.

I could well imagine this happening.

Very hard for a lot of people to get over dis loyalty within a marriage.

@PlanDeRaccordement

You are under the impression that abusers hide their abuse in public. Not really. It shows in other forms. But it doesn't stop. Otherwise, MIL wouldn't have done it to begin with. She abused her dil and grandchild in full view of her mother and husband

No I’m not under that impression. All I said is that living with someone is different from meetIng then occasionally in a public place. And you attacked that by implying that the likelihood of abuse is the same in both situations. It’s not the same.
And besides, I’m not sure that the MIL actually “abused” her DIL and GD because what was described was she threw her glasses towards them, but that the glasses missed them entirely/did not hit them. So without having witnessed it, it is impossible to say if the MIL is guilty of any intent to physically abuse or if she just threw her glasses out of frustration carelessly. And since it is a singular incident of the MIL losing her temper out of an entire year, I am of the opinion that MIL isn’t a complete ogre and if she apologises, OP should consider giving her a second chance and then see if they can meet in park for a half hour or so now and then.

So when a husband throws objects its abuse and when a MIL does ot it is not. Quite the double standard there. Most abusers will claim not to have the intent to abuse but they still do and its still abuse. Emotional and verbal abuse is still abuse and occurs frequently in public. But as long as they apologize its ok. No one should put up with abuse. Whether it comes from a partner/spouse, parent or inlaw no one should have to put up with it. If MIL can't control her emotions as to not throw objects at people holding a newborn then she should NEVER be around the child. Thats the end of it