Was I rude to my friend?

[letitsnowletitsnow]

My friend is 35 and lives at home with her mum who is 60 and in good health.
She has no kids and never worked a day in her life.
She is bitter 99% of the time when people achieve anything.
Yesterday we had planned to go for some food as our Xmas meal,I had been looking forward to it all day.
I meet her and first thing she says is "can we keep this under a hour as I best not leave mum on her own too long"
Last week she cancelled as she said her mum wanted her to stay in.
She won't ever do weekends away or day trips as she wants to be back for 5pm tea.
It drives me barmy
Yet she always moans how crap her life is.
So yesterday when she said can we keep this under a hour..
I snapped and said
"Are you for real? Seriously why a hour,your mum is fine,she can be in the house alone,my dad manages it..your 35 don't you want your own life? Don't you think you need to start doing things for yourself,is this what you want your life to be like?"
She shouted back and stormed off
Was aibu ?

What did she shout back? Is your answer there?

You were really insensitive. This sounds like a codependent relationship and her mother must put on her quite a lot leading to them being quite enmeshed. It takes a shit load of therapy to get out of that sort of situation. She probably does want her own life and didn’t need such a harsh approach.

Well, yes, you were. A much better way to broach it might have been to ask, over a series of weeks/months, why exactly she feels like she can't leave her mum alone. It could be to do with her, it could be to do with her mum, it could be a weird co-dependent part of their family set-up. There are ways to find this out and shouting frustratedly in her face is not a good one.

Well there’s something else going on isn’t there? Social anxiety would be my first guess. If her mother is absolutely fine with no health issues then she’s using the mum as an excuse.

So if you want to continue being her friend you need to try and work out what is really going on and work with that or else you need to take a step back.

I think you were incredibly rude. You say her mum is in good health, but quite a few things about her situation seems to indicate the opposite. Given your response I doubt she would tell you if there were problems.

This has went on years and I've bit my tongue.
Last year we had Manchester booked for 2 nights.
She cancelled on the morning saying she didn't want to go as it was too long leaving her mum,luckily I had someone to go with.
I don't even think it's her mum,I think it's her.
Yet is jealous if I go away with anyone else but won't go away with me.

I think it's harsh but I completely understand why you did it. All that build up of frustration just let itself out. If it were me, I'd just slowly stop doing things with her as I haven't the time for it

Before the lockdown her mum would go away with her friends as she's on my Facebook.
Girls weekends in Blackpool etc

It doesn't sound like you really like your friend , that much.

As PP asked - what did your friend shout back? That might give you a clue.

@letitsnowletitsnow

This has went on years and I've bit my tongue. Last year we had Manchester booked for 2 nights. She cancelled on the morning saying she didn't want to go as it was too long leaving her mum,luckily I had someone to go with. I don't even think it's her mum,I think it's her. Yet is jealous if I go away with anyone else but won't go away with me.

Well use your words carefully and considerately to spell this out to her. Shouting probably will not work in effecting change.

Perhaps she and/or her Mum have alot of anxiety?

Also, maybe she just doesn't have the money to fund weekends away and day trips.

Another PP mentioned the dynamic of he relationship she has with her Mum, there's probably loads of things factored into it that wouldn't be obvious to someone on the outside.

I think you were rather insensitive to be honest, I can see your frustration but if this is how she rolls anyway, I think you should've just made the most of the hour you had.

I think you owe her an apology OP.

I didn't shout at her,I just snapped back.
Normal tone,I basically just gave my opinion.

Yet is jealous if I go away with anyone else but won't go away with me.

I have a friend a bit like this, though not the same as your friend. She frequently cancels last minute due to things like 'bad weather' or 'not feeling up to it' but gets upset when she isn't invited to things by our wider circle of friends. I haven't the heart to tell her though, she's very sensitive and I'm sure she won't see it.

I think YANBU. I can't stand people who are constantly negative. She got you to leave the house to meet her for a meal, then told you it has to be under an hour. Where was she planning on going, McDonald's?

I'd end the friendship personally. If she wants to waste her life then that's her choice.

@letitsnowletitsnow

I didn't shout at her,I just snapped back. Normal tone,I basically just gave my opinion.

But what did she shout back at you?

You shouted first, so you were rude. There’s got to be a reason she’s got the life she has, probably many different and complicated reasons. I wouldn’t want her life, would you?

What did she reply?

Free accommodation and not needing to work isn’t much compensation for feeling you can’t leave the house to shop for more than an hour. Something pretty serious or deep set is making her feel like that.

If you don’t want to be friends with her then don’t be. If she’s not good company, is awful about other people achieving things she hasn’t, you resent her, she resents you or it’s all just too much effort for either of you and you don’t bring support or joy to each other’s lives then stop seeing her. That’s okay.

But what you said was cruel and disproportionate to what prompted it. I feel sorry for her based on what you’ve said, don’t you?

It needed to be said. Im not surprised you snapped

Are you concerned about your friend? If so, there's a way to say things, and it's not snapping at her. Do you even like her?

@letitsnowletitsnow

I didn't shout at her,I just snapped back. Normal tone,I basically just gave my opinion.

A lot of people do perceive snapping as akin to shouting, I'm afraid. A snap is basically a restrained shout, isn't it.

I am sympathetic to your frustration but really a calm conversation is needed here.

Is this a recent thing? Is her mum worried about her passing on coronavirus to her if she is out for meals, weekends away? As I think that would be totally understandable.

If it's not and she has always been like it, I think you should have been more sensitive. Her mother may be pressuring her and making her feel guilty for leaving her and it can be difficult to extract yourself from that. Talking to her and suggesting that she helps her mother find other interests and activities that aren't focused on your friend. Gently helping her to see that she can live her own life would be better than shouting because it has made you angry.

You don't seem to showing your friend any empathy here at all.

My friend’s boyfriend was like this - would agree to trips and then cancel for ridiculous reasons at the very last minute. She got rid. I suggest you do the same.

You’re probably right OP. It may well be her.
Backing out of a planned trip due to anxiety maybe.
If you do arrange to meet up with each other in future just plan for a half hour/ hour coffee - forget plans that take longer.
Do you want to keep this friendship ? If so, chat to her and see if you can work out what’s happening.

What did she shout at you before storming off?

Yes, you were unreasonable to snap at her. Her bitterness and moaning shows she is deeply unhappy with her situation. If you were a true friend you would have calm conversations with her about why she is in this situation and what she would like to do with her life. You would encourage her or point her in the right direction to achieve those things for herself. You can do those things over time while still enjoying time together.

If she is constantly moaning and bitter, and you can't handle it, then drop the 'friendship'.

I don't even think it's her mum,I think it's her.

Yes, she fairly obviously has some anxiety or other problem that limits her in going out into the world. Which is really, really sad - I don't think shouting at her was kind, when she had pushed past whatever barrier prevents her leaving the house, probably by telling herself "you can do an hour. It's just an hour."

I do think a conversation is in order, but not when you're angry and disappointed on your own account. Also she may be unwilling to discuss it, and keep bringing everything back to her DM. In any case, I think you need to lean on other friendships for your social needs, as this friend won't be able to meet them.