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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I rude to my friend?

132 replies

letitsnowletitsnow · 17/12/2020 09:25

My friend is 35 and lives at home with her mum who is 60 and in good health.
She has no kids and never worked a day in her life.
She is bitter 99% of the time when people achieve anything.
Yesterday we had planned to go for some food as our Xmas meal,I had been looking forward to it all day.
I meet her and first thing she says is "can we keep this under a hour as I best not leave mum on her own too long"
Last week she cancelled as she said her mum wanted her to stay in.
She won't ever do weekends away or day trips as she wants to be back for 5pm tea.
It drives me barmy
Yet she always moans how crap her life is.
So yesterday when she said can we keep this under a hour..
I snapped and said
"Are you for real? Seriously why a hour,your mum is fine,she can be in the house alone,my dad manages it..your 35 don't you want your own life? Don't you think you need to start doing things for yourself,is this what you want your life to be like?"
She shouted back and stormed off
Was aibu ?

OP posts:
amusedbush · 17/12/2020 11:47

Yeah, your delivery was rude but I totally understand it. There may be underlying MH issues (still living with her mother having never worked at 35 is definitely not the norm) but it doesn’t give her carte blanche to treat you like shit.

Her asking to keep your lunch to under an hour was really rude. I’m assuming you were looking forward to it, you’d kept the day free, got ready and travelled there only for her to turn up and chivvy you along, making out that you’re an inconvenience. Frankly I would have been furious after the Manchester debacle as you could have easily lost a lot of money.

It sounds like this has been bubbling for years. She complains about her life and cancels plans but does nothing to seek support so I doubt she’ll change.

Fuckertyfuckmcfuck · 17/12/2020 11:47

I can understand your frustration but I'd be worried about her. Who instigates the meet ups?

ConfusedcomMum · 17/12/2020 11:47

She sounds a bit depressed tbh.

SpaceOp · 17/12/2020 11:56

I don't blame you for being upset and frustrated but there's clearly something very wrong with this woman.

If she lived with a man, we'd all be jumping straight to coercive control and abuse. But just because it's a woman, and her mum at that, doesn't mean that isn't what is happening here. The "I can't stay long, must get back to mum" could be replaced, for many many women with, "I can't stay long, DH needs me to help him" or some such excuse. And when those women are pushed on what's going on it's usually pretty clear that they are made to feel guilty for ever going out without their partner. I think it's entirely possible this is happening here too. And then of course, it leads to MH problems for the women.

Personally, I'd be very concerned and if this has been going on for years I'd have been trying to understand what's really happening. There's no doubt that my mum, if she'd been alone, would have laid on massive guilt trips to me and my siblings. I don't think any of us would have gone along with it, but with a different personality, it would be easy to see a situation where my elderly mum had her child with her 24/7.....

SpaceOp · 17/12/2020 11:58

In relation to my comment above - SIL is incapable of coming to our house without constantly looking at her watch and saying she can't stay, must rush back etc.... because BIL is a controlling twat. So I recognise the signs.

Fuckertyfuckmcfuck · 17/12/2020 11:58

I thought the same @SpaceOp

KaptainKaveman · 17/12/2020 12:03

Why doesn't she work, OP? this would be a deal breaker for me. If she suffers from social anxiety or some kind of issue which makes working impossible then fair enough. If she is indolent and happy to scrounge then I would judge her.

AcornAutumn · 17/12/2020 12:08

@letitsnowletitsnow

Of course I like my friends. We have been friends since we were at primary school. She shouted back "it's Nobody's business" I just think she's running her life. I've mentioned before part time jobs or even part time courses at college and she just says she can't be bothered with that. Maybe she likes her life Who knows
I think this is a possibility

She’d get a lot of judgmental comments for how she lives

I’m 45 with an 82 year old mum and a good career

But sometimes even I’m tempted to pack it in, rent the flat out and live with mum. In my case, it’s the big house that’s the draw.

You don’t know what place your friend is in. If she moans a lot, that’s a pain. No one should be dragged out for an hour!

But if you want to end the friendship, do. But I wouldn’t breezily say “she’s wasting her life”. It’s her business, and her choice.

OnlineMadNess · 17/12/2020 12:08

YANBU she sounds difficult and you're incompatible. Find new friends.

Gwenhwyfar · 17/12/2020 12:14

" If she wants to see you - keep it to small stuff. 1 hr max."

Unless they live around the corner, I wouldn't bother with people who can only see me for an hour. Your travel time to meet them will be more than that so it's not worth it.

Mallysmomma · 17/12/2020 12:15

I don’t think you were unreasonable at all. Sounds like it needed to be said in all honesty.

Gwenhwyfar · 17/12/2020 12:17

"If she lived with a man, we'd all be jumping straight to coercive control and abuse. But just because it's a woman, and her mum at that, doesn't mean that isn't what is happening here. The "I can't stay long, must get back to mum" could be replaced, for many many women with, "I can't stay long, DH needs me to help him" or some such excuse. And when those women are pushed on what's going on it's usually pretty clear that they are made to feel guilty for ever going out without their partner. I think it's entirely possible this is happening here too. And then of course, it leads to MH problems for the women."

But what if she's just using it as an excuse and her DM isn't expecting her back at all. It's like when people say they can't come/stay out because of the kids, sometimes they just don't want to.

AcornAutumn · 17/12/2020 12:18

PS I’ll be honest, I had a friend who lived a similar way. Her parents were very rich.

I had no judgement - I might have done the same if I could - but she kept cancelling meet-ups so the friendship faded that way. Is it always you who sets something up?

Alexandernevermind · 17/12/2020 12:20

I think you deserve a medal for putting up with her for so long. She constantly cancels on you at the last minute - like your time isn't valuable. She won't work - so presumably we are paying for her. Is negative, jealous and moaning about her lot in life without doing any thing about it. She can't take it when someone who genuinely cares about her gives her a few home truths about how she is treating them. If this was a partner I wonder what people would call him?

Butchyrestingface · 17/12/2020 12:26

Anyone else gagging to know what friend shouted back at @letitsnowletitsnow?

I'm thinking she unburdened herself of however many years worth of character deficiencies she thinks the OP has! Xmas Grin

WorrierorWarrior · 17/12/2020 12:26

The way that you spoke to the friend is only going to add to her problems. She will now think that her friend of many years does not have any patience with her.
It would take a great deal of patience to try to probe gently what is happening in the friend's life. Gentle talk rather then snapping would have been more productive.
I may have been a bit similar to your friend. I was scared to go out for a number of reasons. A lot of which was embarrassing issues. Other reasons were that I was afraid people would not believe me if I told anyone. I would have retreated further into myself if a friend snapped at me. I would have been so hurt.
For no particular reason one day I decided I was not going to live in isolation any more. I broke out did things that previously the very thought scared me. I told people what happened. Some people were not sure if this was the truth but I have confirmation of some things. I have created a different life for myself and I am a lot more happy.

I dont think you should have snapped no matter how frustrated you were. She is likely a lot more frustrated than you can know.
Maybe a heartfelt apology would help

goopsoup · 17/12/2020 12:26

I think the less contact you have with the outside world (no job, not having your own home etc) then the more you withdraw into yourself. It must be hard for her to see everyone else paired up, with careers etc.

ReetDortyLass · 17/12/2020 12:27

If you start to think of her as an infantilised adult, her behaviour will become clearer to you OP. It's likely a combination of laziness on her part and infantilisation on her mothers and she is the result.

I would end the non existent friendship.

WhereYouLeftIt · 17/12/2020 12:29

@Butchyrestingface

Anyone else gagging to know what friend shouted back at *@letitsnowletitsnow*?

I'm thinking she unburdened herself of however many years worth of character deficiencies she thinks the OP has! Xmas Grin

Not quite!

"She shouted back "it's Nobody's business" "

Butchyrestingface · 17/12/2020 12:31

"She shouted back "it's Nobody's business" "

Christ, what a let down. Sad

Rabblemum · 17/12/2020 12:31

That was a great post and I agree with you, it sounds like a sad situation all round.

AcornAutumn · 17/12/2020 12:33

@Alexandernevermind

I think you deserve a medal for putting up with her for so long. She constantly cancels on you at the last minute - like your time isn't valuable. She won't work - so presumably we are paying for her. Is negative, jealous and moaning about her lot in life without doing any thing about it. She can't take it when someone who genuinely cares about her gives her a few home truths about how she is treating them. If this was a partner I wonder what people would call him?
I suspect her mother is paying for her.

She won’t just get benefits forever anyway, I think they go about six mo this before saying “take this job or the money stops”. But my guess would be that she isn’t on benefits.

katy1213 · 17/12/2020 12:34

I wouldn't overthink it - just leave her to it and find some livelier friends.

ClaireP20 · 17/12/2020 12:35

I don't think you were rude. Unfortunately it sounds like an abusive relationship (another poster said co-dependant) but having had a very similar relationship with my own mum until I was 35 (and then got married), I feel like you were right to snap and give it to her straight. I wish someone had done this to me x

KatherineJaneway · 17/12/2020 12:36

I had a friend like this and she didn't change. It was one of the reasons I broke off contact with her. She lived in her own little bubble growing angrier and more resentful at others who had what she 'wanted', yet she wouldn't lift a finger to help herself. We ended up have almost nothing in common.

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