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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I rude to my friend?

132 replies

letitsnowletitsnow · 17/12/2020 09:25

My friend is 35 and lives at home with her mum who is 60 and in good health.
She has no kids and never worked a day in her life.
She is bitter 99% of the time when people achieve anything.
Yesterday we had planned to go for some food as our Xmas meal,I had been looking forward to it all day.
I meet her and first thing she says is "can we keep this under a hour as I best not leave mum on her own too long"
Last week she cancelled as she said her mum wanted her to stay in.
She won't ever do weekends away or day trips as she wants to be back for 5pm tea.
It drives me barmy
Yet she always moans how crap her life is.
So yesterday when she said can we keep this under a hour..
I snapped and said
"Are you for real? Seriously why a hour,your mum is fine,she can be in the house alone,my dad manages it..your 35 don't you want your own life? Don't you think you need to start doing things for yourself,is this what you want your life to be like?"
She shouted back and stormed off
Was aibu ?

OP posts:
LJenn · 17/12/2020 10:17

Unpopular opinion here ... but no I don't think you were rude. Perhaps there would've been a more ideal setting to talk it over with her but she came out with "can we keep this under an hour" etc etc .. that to me is very rude. Especially if this has been going on for years. I don't give a damn what her life is like, she's 35 and allowing her mother to tell her when to come home??? What the hell is that about? If her mother was terminally ill or something, now that's a different story. Don't understand why people are calling you rude for finally calling her out?

LJenn · 17/12/2020 10:20

@letitsnowletitsnow

Of course I like my friends. We have been friends since we were at primary school. She shouted back "it's Nobody's business" I just think she's running her life. I've mentioned before part time jobs or even part time courses at college and she just says she can't be bothered with that. Maybe she likes her life Who knows
It's nobody's business... but also sit down there and let me tell you all about my shitty life & how unhappy I am??? Jesus 🙈
CharityDingle · 17/12/2020 10:25

It sounds like you snapped after having similar experiences with her previously. So while it wasn't the best thing to say or do, it was understandable on your part. You're human as are we all, or most of us anyway.

I would be slow to make plans again with her, tbh. Yes, it sounds like she is struggling in some way, and maybe you can offer suggestions on that score.

Sometimes friends just grow apart, for various reasons and being let down constantly will lead to people not wanting to socialise with that person anymore.

Rabblemum · 17/12/2020 10:26

Yuck, so this woman as never worked, is enmeshed with mummy and can't even have a normal friendship, this is odd.

What are you getting out of this friendship?

You could have had a conversation about this friends life and try to nudge her into a course or job or ask if there's more going on than you think.

I understand your frustration, your friend is stuck and not living a life so I understand your rudeness, hopefully you will have nudged this woman into thinking about her life.

Could your friend have anxiety? I used to invite lots of Facebook friends for a cup of tea in the library, I was shocked at how many people were too anxious to go. Some admitted they were anxious but some used some very strange excuses.

If you keep being rude to her and nothing changes maybe this friendship should end.

WhereYouLeftIt · 17/12/2020 10:27

Yes you were rude. That doesn't mean it was uncalled for.

Your words were in response to her rudeness "I meet her and first thing she says is "can we keep this under a hour as I best not leave mum on her own too long" ". That's rude.

You've been biting your tongue for years. How's that working out? Is it helping her? Is it helping you? She's been getting more set in her ways and more isolated I'd imagine. Maybe having this pointed out to her will be the first of the many steps she needs to take to have a life of her own.

Sometimes, a bit of rudeness is a good thing. Better than meekly watching someone make their life harder for themselves.

Rabblemum · 17/12/2020 10:28

Agreed, I think this friend may need a kick up the behind and this incident may just do it.

IMNOTSHOUTING · 17/12/2020 10:29

It does sound like she has some psychological issues and she's the one taking the brunt of those issues. That said she's also being rude to you and her issues are her responsibility so it's natural you'll get irritated eventually by her flakiness.

forrestgreen · 17/12/2020 10:31

I'd send her a text
Df, sorry for shouting/snapping at you before. I'm genuinely worried about you as a friend. I like seeing you and was looking forward to a lovely lunch with you and you said you could only be an hr, obviously this upset me but I should have handled it better. I hope you and your mum are ok.

Miamarshmallows · 17/12/2020 10:31

You were rude and you also sound like you think you are above her. It sounds like she has a lot of strain on her shoulders. Things that she just does not discuss.
Can understand your frustration but it doesn't sound like the friendship is a good fit or that you really respect and care about her.
Most likely she feels a responsibility to her mum and that is causing resentment and unhappiness but she needs support not people who judge het for not being a 'normal 35 year old.'

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 17/12/2020 10:32

People who regularly cancel at the last minute for spurious reasons are just selfish IMHO. They dont care how you will be affected, its just all about them. They make terrible friends and are often users in other ways too.

Cam77 · 17/12/2020 10:33

Have you never raised her issues before in a calmer manner? If that's the first time she's been confronted about her strange behaviour it'd been a shock the way you did it.

Whattimeisdinner · 17/12/2020 10:34

People who regularly cancel at the last minute for spurious reasons are just selfish IMHO. They dont care how you will be affected, its just all about them. They make terrible friends and are often users in other ways too.

This.

goopsoup · 17/12/2020 10:35

If you want to stay friends, then I would suggest never making plans for anything longer than a cup of coffee or a walk etc. And let her suggest the times. That way if she flakes on you, you won't feel disappointed. Certainly never book anything pre-paid with her again, like a hotel stay, concert etc.

Don't tell her about exciting things you are doing with other friends, but if she does find out, just tell her you're not sure why she is asking, given she can't do those things with you.

insiwinsi · 17/12/2020 10:36

I think it's fair enough to raise it, but you could have done it more gently.

Agree with PP that it sounds as though you need to move on from her anyway if she's getting you down and just moaning all the time.

Maybe a polite apology with an explanation that you find it a bit upsetting that she's always cutting things short to unnecessarily be with her mum but you didn't mean to be so snappy.

Plonque · 17/12/2020 10:36

It sounds like a frustrated reaction to a lifetime of bullshit from your friend.
Yeah, she sounds like she has issues, but they are not your issues to shoulder for her.

IMO, if you keep every friend you ever had then you're doing it wrong. You need to shed certain people as you grow or else you'll stagnate. I think this is a person you have outgrown.

wewillmeetagain · 17/12/2020 10:39

I have a friend like this, constantly cancels when invited out but throws a tantrum when no one bothers inviting her because we know she won't turn up. I don't think you did anything wrong!

ddl1 · 17/12/2020 10:39

Yes, I do think that you were rude and hurtful. She is also rude in the way that she keeps letting you down on arrangements without giving a really adequate explanation, or, if this would be breaking her mother's confidence, saying that there are personal reasons that she can't tell you. Expressing frustration over her unreliability would have been understandable. But attacking a friend -and by implication their mother - on their whole way of life is devastatingly hurtful. As someone who has lived with invisible health problems that restricted my life significantly especially in my youth, some of the worst times of my life were when friends criticized me: 'why can't you do this at your age?; you are acting like a baby/ a little old lady'; other people do these things so why can't you?' I would much rather that someone swore at me or called me stupid or ugly than that! I am sure that either your friend or her mother or both do have some health problems - perhaps mental rather than physical health, but still genuine problems. In any case, if you dialike her way of life that much, it would be better to end the friendship. Alternatively, if you just snapped uncharacteristically, then it would be better to apologize.

goldielockdown2 · 17/12/2020 10:39

No you just gave her some real talk. Of course she won't like it, the truth hurts when you're as ridiculous as she is. Oh well.

ChronicallyCurious · 17/12/2020 10:41

Yes I do think you were rude. If this has been going on for years then why haven’t you sat her down and asked her what’s going on? You say her Mum is in good health but everything you’ve stated seems to indicate otherwise. Maybe her Mum has mental health problems that she doesn’t want anyone to know about? Maybe your friend has mental health problems eg severe anxiety that she’s too embarrassed to talk to you about? Either way I would say there is definitely something going on here other than your friend just being a bit shit.

Ginfordinner · 17/12/2020 10:41

@YouShouldLeave

YABVU.

Also, you don’t sound like a good friend at all.

Neither does the friend. Cancelling or changing plans at the last minute every time isn't fair on the OP. She shouldn't be making arrangements that she has no intention of keeping. It cuts both ways.

@letitsnowletitsnow why has your friend never worked? Does she have any other friends? Has she ever been in a relationship?

Unless her mum has mental or physical health problems why does she feel she can't leave her? I'm 62 and would hate to feel that DD couldn't meet her friends because of me.

ProudAuntie76 · 17/12/2020 10:42

@WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo

People who regularly cancel at the last minute for spurious reasons are just selfish IMHO. They dont care how you will be affected, its just all about them. They make terrible friends and are often users in other ways too.
The flip side of this, through my job as a nurse and a stint on the mental health side, is that I’ve learned that it’s quite common for people with extreme social anxiety to cancel last minute. They want to meet up, on a good day they can and they make plans in good faith. On the day, the physical symptoms of anxiety and the dread and fear completely paralyses them and then they cancel and have feelings of low self worth and alienation to contend with, they lose friends, opportunities etc. It’s a vicious circle and they end up stuck.

This friend needs support and help. It’s possible that her mother has infantilised her or enabled her for years.

The decision to change HAS to come from her. Not thrust upon her.

TableFlowerss · 17/12/2020 10:49

She’s made her choice OP. It’s up to her what/why she wants to do things. There’s no right or wrong answer. Neither of you are wrong but it’s whether you can be bothered with this friendship.

I couldn’t....

CaptainCabinets · 17/12/2020 10:52

How does this friend afford lunches out and weekends away if she’s never worked?! Who pays for this?! Confused

Longdistance · 17/12/2020 10:52

It seems she has some sort of anxiety. Is that why she’s never worked?
It was unfair for her to let you down on the Manchester thing.

LittleTiger007 · 17/12/2020 11:01

I feel for you OP. I agree with people here who have said that you needed to be more considerate and yet the frustration builds. I can understand it bubbling over at times.

I have a friend in a very similar situation and another whose life situation is bad in a different way. Neither will do anything to change their situations but they moan and whine about their lives and have both become very bitter about their circumstances.

It’s tremendously frustrating as the years roll by and other lives change and move on and yet these two seem stuck in an unhappy bubble.

Ultimately you need to realise that any change has to come from them. It won’t happen over night and as a friend it’s your place to support and show them gently that there is a better way and make it clear you are there to support them should they ever chose to make the change. They may well ignore this for ever and you will have to decide if you can keep patient and supportive or if for your own sanity you need to walk away. It’s a tough call.

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