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AIBU?

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Original poster

Was I rude to my friend?

132 replies

letitsnowletitsnow · 17/12/2020 09:25

My friend is 35 and lives at home with her mum who is 60 and in good health.
She has no kids and never worked a day in her life.
She is bitter 99% of the time when people achieve anything.
Yesterday we had planned to go for some food as our Xmas meal,I had been looking forward to it all day.
I meet her and first thing she says is "can we keep this under a hour as I best not leave mum on her own too long"
Last week she cancelled as she said her mum wanted her to stay in.
She won't ever do weekends away or day trips as she wants to be back for 5pm tea.
It drives me barmy
Yet she always moans how crap her life is.
So yesterday when she said can we keep this under a hour..
I snapped and said
"Are you for real? Seriously why a hour,your mum is fine,she can be in the house alone,my dad manages it..your 35 don't you want your own life? Don't you think you need to start doing things for yourself,is this what you want your life to be like?"
She shouted back and stormed off
Was aibu ?

OP posts:
hadesinahalfahell · 17/12/2020 11:02

I can't see anything wrong with what you said to her.

YoniAndGuy · 17/12/2020 11:04

She needed to hear it by the sound of things.

CustardySergeant · 17/12/2020 11:12

@CaptainCabinets

How does this friend afford lunches out and weekends away if she’s never worked?! Who pays for this?! Confused
It's the mother who has weekends away not the daughter isn't it?

I wonder why the OP's friend has never had a job though.

museumum · 17/12/2020 11:15

What she does with her life is her business. But it DOES affect you when she behaves as she does:
"sorry I snapped at you but I'd been looking forward to our Christmas lunch and you turned up immediately saying we had to rush our meal and making me feel like an inconvenience to you. It's hurtful when you do that, or cancel plans with me."

It sounds like your friend has some kind of anxiety that makes her focus on her own feelings and I don't think there's any harm in pointing out that you have feelings too.

billybagpuss · 17/12/2020 11:16

I also bet she went home and burst into tears.

From your point of view it came from a place of frustration and no one is denying that she is rude, probably not even herself. I have a friend like this and we can go years without her being able to actually meet up, she had ME and many other health issues aside. It’s very difficult for her.

The only advice I have is if you value the friendship message her. The suggestion up thread is good, and going forwards you have to accept that any arrangement you make could flounder but if you let her know that that’s ok so she isn’t afraid to make it in the first place.

If you don’t value it, walk away.

I hope she does reach a place where she can open up as in 30 years time when her mum really does need help or does she will be a very lonely lady.

ddl1 · 17/12/2020 11:17

She needed to hear it by the sound of things.

She has probably already heard it many times in some form or another. Her way of life is unusual nowadays (it might have been a bit commoner for unmarried daughters 100 years ago), and I am sure that she is quite aware that most people live a different sort of life and may look down on her. That may be why she moans about other luckier people.

I think that the OP had a right to complain about the friend's unreliability about arrangements, but not to attack her on her whole way of life.

OppsUpsSide · 17/12/2020 11:17

I don’t think you were U sounds like it needed to be said

ddl1 · 17/12/2020 11:18

*What she does with her life is her business. But it DOES affect you when she behaves as she does:
"sorry I snapped at you but I'd been looking forward to our Christmas lunch and you turned up immediately saying we had to rush our meal and making me feel like an inconvenience to you. It's hurtful when you do that, or cancel plans with me."

It sounds like your friend has some kind of anxiety that makes her focus on her own feelings and I don't think there's any harm in pointing out that you have feelings too.*

Agree.

houseinthesnow · 17/12/2020 11:20

I am not surprised you finally snapped, I don't think I could cope with her full stop.

It is a shame, as she probably has no life of her own beyond her mother, and what a terrible waste of a young life.

If you really care for her apologise and talk it through, if you have had enough no one could blame you for letting the friendship go.

notanothertakeaway · 17/12/2020 11:20

@goopsoup

If you want to stay friends, then I would suggest never making plans for anything longer than a cup of coffee or a walk etc. And let her suggest the times. That way if she flakes on you, you won't feel disappointed. Certainly never book anything pre-paid with her again, like a hotel stay, concert etc.

Don't tell her about exciting things you are doing with other friends, but if she does find out, just tell her you're not sure why she is asking, given she can't do those things with you.

good advice from @goopsoup

I have a friend who is great in lots of ways, but unreliable. I meet her for short walks & coffees, but wouldn't book a weekend away with her

houseinthesnow · 17/12/2020 11:22

When her mother dies, she will have nothing and no one, that is very sad and very unhealthy.

Pandabuzz · 17/12/2020 11:22

It sounds like you don’t actually really like this friend. Maybe there is something going on with her mum that you don’t know about which is affecting how long she feels she can leave her mum for?

Bigoldmachine · 17/12/2020 11:28

This is why there needs to be so much more awareness of mental health issues.

There have been so many campaigns and it does seem we have reached a place in society where there is no longer stigma attached to saying “I have depression” “I have anxiety” etc.

BUT people with depression and anxiety may not know they have it or may not be ready to be frank about their mental health. This is why in my opinion there needs to be much more done to raise awareness of what mental health issues / conditions actually look like. Thankfully there are people who are raising this sort of awareness. Check out DLCAnxiety on Instagram. I found their posts really informative

LouLou789 · 17/12/2020 11:30

Personally I would stop arranging things likes meals out and trips away with her. Have a think about how much you want to keep this friendship. If you do, apologise to this friend and have a calm talk about how she sees things going forward, would she prefer short coffee meets/walks etc.

VivaMiltonKeynes · 17/12/2020 11:32

@Requinblanc

Maybe the way you did it wasn't the most diplomatic but I agree with you that something is very wrong with the way your friend lives.

It looks like she is deeply unhappy but seems to be caught in a trap. As others have mentioned she could have problems with anxiety/socialising/mental health issues that you are not aware of or it could be that she has a controlling and manipulative parent who is preventing her from ever becoming an independent adult.

Maybe I would try to have another calm conversation where you apologise about shouting but you make it clear that you are concerned about her. She might be able to confide in you or you might in the end need to reconsider the friendship as it can be really draining to deal with people who are endlessly negative and never do anything to help themselves.

I have an aunt who basically prevented her son from ever having a normal life. Although she is perfectly fine physically she refused to go out of her flat through supposed social anxiety since she was middle-aged and her adult son has been trapped living with her, never married. I had to leave home because her sister, my mother, was also grooming me to be a perpetual child. Some parents are just emotional vampires who feed on their children...

I know someone like this . Her mother died and she is a depressed wreck now living on her own . You never really know what is happening in these situations.
AliceMcK · 17/12/2020 11:35

Is you are really her friend you would accept her as she is. If she dosnt like going away or being away from her mum that’s up to her, you shouldn’t be judging her.

Littlemissnutcracker · 17/12/2020 11:36

I would move on from the friendship really if she let's you down for weekends and puts time barriers in place when you meet. It's not that enjoyable.

OlympicProcrastinator · 17/12/2020 11:36

Actually I don’t think YWBU at all and I’m surprised at the replies. She was incredibly rude first, telling you to ‘keep it under an hour’ like meeting up was an inconvenience. So you snapped back. If she’s never pulled up on her behaviour by anyone then how is she to know she’s being rude.

Ginfordinner · 17/12/2020 11:36

I have an aunt who basically prevented her son from ever having a normal life. Although she is perfectly fine physically she refused to go out of her flat through supposed social anxiety since she was middle-aged and her adult son has been trapped living with her, never married. I had to leave home because her sister, my mother, was also grooming me to be a perpetual child. Some parents are just emotional vampires who feed on their children...

That makes me feel better about making sure that 20 year old DD is able to live independently. She is currenty at university, and some of the parents on the uni FB page sound as clingy as your aunt.

5zeds · 17/12/2020 11:39

So basically her wanting a quick lunch rather than a long lunch gave you an opening to critique her life?Shock

YABVU.

Why can’t you be more honest and just tell her you want her to come on trips/stay longer?

Then she could say yes or no, and you could decide if you still want to continue???

In what universe would you expect a friend to change their whole life to fit your idea of how they should spend their time???

Her response was utterly reasonable.

Hadtocomment · 17/12/2020 11:39

It might not have been an ideal thing to say BUT it sounds like you weren't trying to be mean to her but rather came from a place of frustration and also wanting her to be happier too. Sometimes if you are really friends you do have rows or arguments and should - if your friendship is strong enough - be able to get over them.

Sounds to me like you DO care about this friend and that is part of your frustration because she doesn't sound happy and you are getting frustrated thinking maybe that she is not helping herself or trying to change things and everything you do or suggest to try and make things better seems to not be being met half way.

On the other hand without knowng more it's hard to know what is really going on. Perhaps your friend is actually depressed. Or perhaps she has retreated a bit from the world and seriously needs her confidence building. Perhaps the mother is putting pressure on not to be left. Or maybe that is incredibly unfair and the mother is not doing that at all but the friend has developed some terrible fear of something happening when she is not there. Perhaps your friend has an actual anxiety condition and could really do with seeing someone about it.

The fact she yelled it's nobody's business is not even that extreme a thing to shout at you. It sounds more like she's struggling to explain or whatever. Or struggling to open up.

Could this incident be a catalyst to let her know you're concerned about her and that she can talk to you if she needs to? Is it possible to apologise for the tone but explain your frustration got the better of you but you care about her and perhaps you might be able to enter into a conversation about why she is quite so frightened to leave her mother?

I think it's a bit sad some people on here just saying walk away or can't be bothered with that etc. If you've known this person since primary school and you've made all this effort over the years it sounds to me very much like you care. Her behaviour sounds like it could be coming more from a place of great anxiety - it doesn't sound like she is very happy at the minute and might really want to open up but doesn't know how. But it sounds also like you haven't had those conversations properly in the past and maybe haven't known how to? At least it might be good to let her know you are there if she does need or want to talk and that your frustration just bubbled over (which I think a lot of people understand - I certainly do.)

All best OP.

CrotchetyQuaver · 17/12/2020 11:43

Well she sounds like she has issues of some kind which prevent her leading anything like a perceived normal life of a single female of her age. Until she takes steps to help herself nothing is likely to change. I think YANBU, it needed to be said and there's no easy way to say it. Up to her to fix it I'd say...

Ginfordinner · 17/12/2020 11:43

So basically her wanting a quick lunch rather than a long lunch gave you an opening to critique her life?shock YABVU.

I disagree. The original arrangement was for a Christmas lunch. The friend then decided to change it to a quick lunch, and given her past history of cancelling or changing arrangements this was clearly the final straw. Surely you can understand the OP's frustration?

JinglingHellsBells · 17/12/2020 11:43

I can't get my head around a woman of 35 not having worked. What's that all about?

She's more or less the same age as my kids and I don't know of anyone of their cohort who has never worked and lives with their mum.

Does she have some kind of educational/ mental health issue?
What has she done for the last 17 years since leaving school?

What do you get out a friendship with her?

ZoeTurtle · 17/12/2020 11:46

I knew a man like this and never felt anything but sympathy for him. His mum died, he's been on his own ever since and will die alone and lonely. I couldn't find anger for him if I tried.

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