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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I rude to my friend?

132 replies

letitsnowletitsnow · 17/12/2020 09:25

My friend is 35 and lives at home with her mum who is 60 and in good health.
She has no kids and never worked a day in her life.
She is bitter 99% of the time when people achieve anything.
Yesterday we had planned to go for some food as our Xmas meal,I had been looking forward to it all day.
I meet her and first thing she says is "can we keep this under a hour as I best not leave mum on her own too long"
Last week she cancelled as she said her mum wanted her to stay in.
She won't ever do weekends away or day trips as she wants to be back for 5pm tea.
It drives me barmy
Yet she always moans how crap her life is.
So yesterday when she said can we keep this under a hour..
I snapped and said
"Are you for real? Seriously why a hour,your mum is fine,she can be in the house alone,my dad manages it..your 35 don't you want your own life? Don't you think you need to start doing things for yourself,is this what you want your life to be like?"
She shouted back and stormed off
Was aibu ?

OP posts:
JorisBonson · 17/12/2020 09:40

You don't sound like a good friend at all.

Waveysnail · 17/12/2020 09:40

Yes you were rude BUT cant blame you for getting cross

LadyLazaruss · 17/12/2020 09:40

Why don't you just drop the friendship or stop making as many plans?

Buttercream22 · 17/12/2020 09:41

Ah yes, you were rude in your response. It would have been better to go to lunch and sit down with her and try to talk about why she feels she can't leave her mum for a longer period of time.

What did she say when she stormed off? Do you want to continue your friendship with her?

Cheeseandlobster · 17/12/2020 09:42

I would have snapped after Manchester. Why book something with a friend who will be excited and who may then lose money, if you know deep down you wont be coming?

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 17/12/2020 09:42

Have you never actually had a calm conversation with her about what might be wrong? Sounds like it's something to do with her rather than her mum, but she's using her mum as a cover.

Groovee · 17/12/2020 09:43

What was her reply to you?

Medievalist · 17/12/2020 09:43

I don't blame you at all. I had a friend like this and it was all down to social anxiety. He had to give up work aged around 30 and has never worked again. He would always accept social invitations, or even invite me and other friends round to his flat, but would practically always cancel at short notice (ie as you were about to put your coat on!)

A couple of us tried for years to help him but to no avail.

You could perhaps now follow up with a phone call and apologise for upsetting her but explain why you are concerned. If she's anything like my friend though she'll nod in agreement but nothing will change.

It's so sad to see someone wasting their life like this. Doesn't sound as if it's anything to do with her dm (who is younger than me and I'd be mortified if any of my dcs felt I couldn't be left on my own).

You acted from a good place - many would have turned their back on this friendship long before now.

Whattimeisdinner · 17/12/2020 09:45

You don't sound like a good friend at all.

Neither does she.
This woman might have issues but she is treating the OP badly. Intentionally or not.

AtlasPine · 17/12/2020 09:45

I’m not surprised you were very frustrated.

If she is a friend you value, you might need to apologise for your tone but still insist you talk about why she behaves in a way which makes you feel she doesn’t value your friendship.

Whattimeisdinner · 17/12/2020 09:46

I would have snapped after Manchester. Why book something with a friend who will be excited and who may then lose money, if you know deep down you wont be coming?

This. Very unfair on the OP.

Cheeseboardandmincepies · 17/12/2020 09:50

She clearly has mental health issues or something along those lines and depends on her mother. If you can’t see that OP your clearly blind.
You was extremely rude the way you handled it, why couldn’t you of had a conversation about it? Why shout like your telling off a naughty child? Hmm

BadLad · 17/12/2020 09:50

Regardless of who's at fault, it doesn't sound like it's ever going to fun to spend time with her.

I'd just stop bothering to meet up.

Original poster
letitsnowletitsnow · 17/12/2020 09:52

Of course I like my friends.
We have been friends since we were at primary school.
She shouted back "it's Nobody's business"
I just think she's running her life.
I've mentioned before part time jobs or even part time courses at college and she just says she can't be bothered with that.
Maybe she likes her life
Who knows

OP posts:
Requinblanc · 17/12/2020 09:53

Maybe the way you did it wasn't the most diplomatic but I agree with you that something is very wrong with the way your friend lives.

It looks like she is deeply unhappy but seems to be caught in a trap. As others have mentioned she could have problems with anxiety/socialising/mental health issues that you are not aware of or it could be that she has a controlling and manipulative parent who is preventing her from ever becoming an independent adult.

Maybe I would try to have another calm conversation where you apologise about shouting but you make it clear that you are concerned about her. She might be able to confide in you or you might in the end need to reconsider the friendship as it can be really draining to deal with people who are endlessly negative and never do anything to help themselves.

I have an aunt who basically prevented her son from ever having a normal life. Although she is perfectly fine physically she refused to go out of her flat through supposed social anxiety since she was middle-aged and her adult son has been trapped living with her, never married. I had to leave home because her sister, my mother, was also grooming me to be a perpetual child. Some parents are just emotional vampires who feed on their children...

Original poster
letitsnowletitsnow · 17/12/2020 09:53

I will apologise for my tone as I should have said things better.
I've tried many times over the years.

OP posts:
Whattimeisdinner · 17/12/2020 09:55

Leave her be then. Don’t suggest stuff but keep the lines open. If she wants to see you - keep it to small stuff. 1 hr max.

Has she always been like this or is this new behaviour?

ContessaDiPulpo · 17/12/2020 09:57

@letitsnowletitsnow

I will apologise for my tone as I should have said things better. I've tried many times over the years.
Ah, if you have tried to discuss it reasonably before and finally snapped then my sympathy increases. That sounds tough.
YouShouldLeave · 17/12/2020 10:00

YABVU.

Also, you don’t sound like a good friend at all.

Schoolchoicesucks · 17/12/2020 10:02

OP, if you've tried talking to her calmly before and she has a habit of letting you down, then is it time to back away from the friendship?

Do you have any mutual friends? So you could arrange to do things in a group, so that if she doesn't turn up, at least you are still able to continue with your plans?

Otherwise, let her know you are there when she is ready to reciprocate the friendship, but you need to protect yourself from being constantly let down by her.

If you are friends from childhood, has she always been like this?

Strangedayindeed · 17/12/2020 10:05

How you said it wasn’t the best but I can see why you snapped. You could have been more sensitive. Although she was rude to you saying keep this under and hour.

CityCommuter · 17/12/2020 10:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RunningFromInsanity · 17/12/2020 10:10

your 35 don't you want your own life? Don't you think you need to start doing things for yourself,is this what you want your life to be like?

Yes you were very rude, and you don’t much seem to like her or her life choices. Very judgemental about her work and living situation.

Sassysally12 · 17/12/2020 10:16

You are not unreasonable for trying to get her to see that she’s the cause of her own troubles. Maybe your delivery could have been better, but you were frustrated and you are human. If a friend had consistently let
Me down, then planned a nice lunch to arrive and announce we had less than an hour I would be annoyed. Your spending money you earn on a grab and dash meal basically when you thought you were having a nice catch up and Christmas celebration, because she doesn’t want to leave her perfectly fit mother at home. A mother who goes on trips and is happy to be away from her. It is strange, if you feel you should text her then do say and say ‘I do apologise for my tone however, I do stand by what I said if I’m honest’. As a friend it would be frustrating and logically it cannot go on forever so trying to get her to tackle the issue now is best. Else one day when her DM passes she will be completely lost, no job, no support system and will utterly not be able to function which is terribly sad.

diddl · 17/12/2020 10:17

I think that you were rude, but I understand it.

It does sound like it's her & not her mum, doesn't it?

How has she never worked?

Does her mum keep her-in which case maybe she does want her daughter to be at her beck & call?

Or is she on some benefits due to health issues that you don't know about?

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