Was I rude to my friend?

[letitsnowletitsnow]

My friend is 35 and lives at home with her mum who is 60 and in good health.
She has no kids and never worked a day in her life.
She is bitter 99% of the time when people achieve anything.
Yesterday we had planned to go for some food as our Xmas meal,I had been looking forward to it all day.
I meet her and first thing she says is "can we keep this under a hour as I best not leave mum on her own too long"
Last week she cancelled as she said her mum wanted her to stay in.
She won't ever do weekends away or day trips as she wants to be back for 5pm tea.
It drives me barmy
Yet she always moans how crap her life is.
So yesterday when she said can we keep this under a hour..
I snapped and said
"Are you for real? Seriously why a hour,your mum is fine,she can be in the house alone,my dad manages it..your 35 don't you want your own life? Don't you think you need to start doing things for yourself,is this what you want your life to be like?"
She shouted back and stormed off
Was aibu ?

I understand your frustration, OP. But this is something your friend has to work out for herself. Her life isn't your responsibility.

If you're hurt that your friend is unreliable you need to step back from the friendship. From what you've said she's only willing to offer you half-hour meet-ups - are these something you can appreciate in their own right? Or are they never going to be enough for you? Perfectly understandable if that's not what you'd expect from a healthy friendship, but in that case you need to look for another friend, not hold this one to standards she won't/can't meet.

your 35 don't you want your own life? Don't you think you need to start doing things for yourself,is this what you want your life to be like?

this isnt very nice. she or her mum may have health issues you know nothing about and to almost use it against her isnt nice. if you were concerned you should have maybe done it in a nicer way to "help" your friend

I had a friend like this. Very similar to you and known her since school. She was very secretive about parts of her life at school and disappeared for weeks on end at school and then returned without saying anything other than she'd been ill. As an adult she often didn't reply to messages when you'd arrange things so you never quite knew if she'd show up to group activities. I never knew what was going on as she wasn't too busy to keep in touch as she didn't ever have a job either. Last I heard she's nearly 40, still living at home, no job and no partner. She ghosted me a few years ago so I only know through mutual friends. I don't think what you said was wrong as I had wanted to say this to my friend so many times as I was so concerned for her, but could never find the words. I do agree in both cases there seems to be underlying MH issues.

i have anxiety and i have cancelled things but my friends know i have anxiety and accept it

i dont turn up though sayin things like i can only be anhour-sounds like she has massive problems with relying on her mum and maybe agrophobia

but i dont blamew you esepcially if she moans about not going out

As a counterpoint, sometimes it can be helpful to hear this. It is likely that she has some internal conflict between the part of her that wants to stay home hiding, and a part of her that wants to be more alive and in the world. It's not the worst thing for that conflict to be bought to the forefront occasionally. Like pointing out to someone in an abusive relationship that their relationship isn't right, and they have options to leave. It can get people considering routes out.

OP, if you can, let her cool off and follow up with a 'sorry I was snappy, but I am concerned about you, I want you to have more in your life'. Ask if you can help her to see a counsellor or something.

Tbf id be annoyed if someone kept making plans with me and then cancelling, having no real intention of going. I think maybe there's something more going on though. I can see why she's upset, but also why you are. So I don't think either of you is unreasonable here, but a frank conversation about both your sides is needed to move forward in this friendship.

@letitsnowletitsnow

Of course I like my friends. We have been friends since we were at primary school. She shouted back "it's Nobody's business" I just think she's running her life. I've mentioned before part time jobs or even part time courses at college and she just says she can't be bothered with that. Maybe she likes her life Who knows

What do you like about her ?