Page 8 | He is still not divorced

Heisstillnotdivorced · 2020-12-16T19:42:15+00:00

Namechanged. My fiance and I got engaged almost a year ago. We have one daughter, she is two years old. We have been living together for four years and own a house in both our names. He was legally separated when I met him and had been for two years. Things are pretty hostile with his ex, lots of sniping back and forth all the time. They have three teenage DCs together. She ended the marriage and has a new partner but seems to find any excuse to argue with my fiance. Initially I got on quite well with her but not anymore, she sent me a spiteful message last year saying he didn't want to move on from her, if he did they would be divorced now. I avoid her now. My problem is he has been promising me for two years now that he is going to sort his divorce out but there is always a reason it doesn't get done. AIBU to call off the engagement?

snookercue · 16/12/2020 23:32

Well I believe he does intend to marry me (or thinks he is going to)

Only you have made this thread about him not doing so.

as he has informed the courts in his divorce papers, informed his family and his children of the engagement and date, booked and paid for a venue.

He can do all of this safely in the knowledge that there is not a chance of it happening though. He can promise the moon but without a divorce it isn't happening.

He was dismayed when I delayed the date (for other reasons).

This makes no sense. You can't have a date until he is divorced.

Original poster

Heisstillnotdivorced · 16/12/2020 23:33

@Scottishskifun

If it was me I would wait until after Christmas and speak to him about it.

It might be a case of there has been so much going on this year that the thought of the stress is too much, he might be feeling completely overwhelmed by the situation or he has received advice which could reduce the settlement amount.

Either way you need to open up that communication channel even just to explain the effects of him delaying has on your feelings and self esteem.

Divorce is often a messy overwhelming experience especially when not amicable or with an ex wife by the sounds of her. I think given he has set a date with you and is interested in the planning side of things does show where his heart truly lies. But it's best to explain that his actions also have consequences for you and the way you feel.

I completely agree with you except that this is where I was at months ago (we have been engaged almost a year now). We have had those talks, I've listened calmly, I've understood, I've explained how its making me feel and multiple times I have thought we were in agreement. Then nothing.

I am so tired of it. I don't understand what he is doing. I don't care what he is doing. He's not considering me in all of this or he's not being honest with me.

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PrincessNutNutRoast · 16/12/2020 23:36

He's not considering me in all of this or he's not being honest with me.

That's the crux of it, really.

He needs an ultimatum and then you'll know what he's actually prepared to do for you. It does seem mad that he would go to such lengths if he didn't intend to divorce, but ultimately none of it will come to anything if he's not free to marry, so it really could all be a bluff, albeit a costly and inconvenient one.

snookercue · 16/12/2020 23:38

I don't understand what he is doing.

Like I said earlier, he is pacifying you. Stringing you along. Telling you what you want to hear.

Original poster

Heisstillnotdivorced · 16/12/2020 23:39

@PerfidiousAlbion

Could it be that he has financial difficulties that you're not aware of?

I say that because if someone has a chaotic, avoidant lifestyle generally, then it tends to seep into all aspects of daily life.

Is he employed? A high earner? Cash flow issues?

I'm sorry to say this but I'd also check that your ring is real. It's odd how it just appeared out of nowhere without any discussion. I'm an old cynic though.

Oh god I hope not. I think his financials are sound as we went though the mortgage process together. I have been through all the financial paperwork from his separation when I was making copies. The ring is the real deal, the certificate thing that explains the grade and all that is in the drawer here - sorry I don't know the proper terminology. It also showed the price. No I don't think there is a lack of transparency around financials.

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aSofaNearYou · 16/12/2020 23:43

I think you should give him the ultimatum before calling it off, it needs sorting but he may just be focusing on the practicalities. But I suppose it depends if you doubt his affections.

Original poster

Heisstillnotdivorced · 16/12/2020 23:48

@PrincessNutNutRoast

He's not considering me in all of this or he's not being honest with me.

That's the crux of it, really.

He needs an ultimatum and then you'll know what he's actually prepared to do for you. It does seem mad that he would go to such lengths if he didn't intend to divorce, but ultimately none of it will come to anything if he's not free to marry, so it really could all be a bluff, albeit a costly and inconvenient one.

Yeah, I agree. I've essentially given him the ultimatum and explained that regardless I feel differently about our relationship.

I know he's been organising a solicitor this week.

I'm afraid that even if this happens now I will resent that I had to go to these lengths to make him do the basics here. It seems nuts that he proposed to me but then I had to bully him into sorting his mess out. Why did I have to get to this stage?

I'm also worried he will inch another bit along the process, I'll relax then with his general lax approach it will get really delayed (the separation seemed to take forever to sort out when I read the paperwork). If things are still being sorted and the leadup to the wedding is stressful because of it that will totally suck the joy out of it for me.

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Original poster

Heisstillnotdivorced · 16/12/2020 23:51

@aSofaNearYou

I think you should give him the ultimatum before calling it off, it needs sorting but he may just be focusing on the practicalities. But I suppose it depends if you doubt his affections.

Yeah. I guess I will wait and see. He has taken some of the sheen off it though now regardless.

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jimmyjammy001 · 16/12/2020 23:59

As the majority have said, you have made a mistake when you decided to date a married man, if no women would date him because he is still married then he would of got a divorced along time ago so that he can date again, as it is you've accepted this and have just assumed he would get a divorce and he is just stringing you along now, what makes it worse is that you have now had a kid with him, you can't turn back time, but there really is no easy resolution here, you just stay unmarried for the foreseeable or you leave, those really are the only options, sorry to seem so blunt, your not the first to date and have children with a married man and you certainly won't be the last.

justanotherremainer · 17/12/2020 00:00

Another thought occurred to me OP.

If his ex wife knows you have set a date, does that explain why she is pushing for a better settlement? She knows she has him over a barrel because if she doesn’t get what she wants, he can’t get divorced and the wedding is off.

I’m so sorry Op it is a shit situation. A lot of infuriating replies here too.

Get your own legal advice and then give him an ultimatum. And be prepared to follow through.

justanotherremainer · 17/12/2020 00:01

Also, in legal terms, 2022 is the blink of an eye.

Colouringaddict · 17/12/2020 00:03

@jimmyjammy001

As the majority have said, you have made a mistake when you decided to date a married man, if no women would date him because he is still married then he would of got a divorced along time ago so that he can date again, as it is you've accepted this and have just assumed he would get a divorce and he is just stringing you along now, what makes it worse is that you have now had a kid with him, you can't turn back time, but there really is no easy resolution here, you just stay unmarried for the foreseeable or you leave, those really are the only options, sorry to seem so blunt, your not the first to date and have children with a married man and you certainly won't be the last.

Raft! He is legally separated! He is not a married man, this is not the 1950’s

snookercue · 17/12/2020 00:09

He is legally separated! He is not a married man, this is not the 1950’s

I don't understand this. The concept of being single, married, divorced or separated hasn't changed since the 1950s. He IS married because he is not divorced. He may be separated, as in, not together, but he is absolutely still married.

Mittens030869 · 17/12/2020 00:15

I think there's clearly a very big difference in how this is viewed In Ireland from what the OP has said. Separated is a legal status in itself, it's neither married or divorced. It's very difficult for British people to understand.

Divorce in itself is a much more recent thing, and much less common. The OP says that it's totally normal for couples to live together without getting divorced. It's all bound up with the Catholic Church's opposition to divorce and remarriage, I suspect.

Original poster

Heisstillnotdivorced · 17/12/2020 00:21

@jimmyjammy001

As the majority have said, you have made a mistake when you decided to date a married man, if no women would date him because he is still married then he would of got a divorced along time ago so that he can date again, as it is you've accepted this and have just assumed he would get a divorce and he is just stringing you along now, what makes it worse is that you have now had a kid with him, you can't turn back time, but there really is no easy resolution here, you just stay unmarried for the foreseeable or you leave, those really are the only options, sorry to seem so blunt, your not the first to date and have children with a married man and you certainly won't be the last.

Oh come on. It's one thing posters having an opinion on whether my house is secure or if I was wise to get engaged but I shouldn't have started dating him?! Up to recently it took four years living apart to even file for divorce in this country. Do you really think all those men and women aren't dating for four years minimum?

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Original poster

Heisstillnotdivorced · 17/12/2020 00:23

@justanotherremainer

Also, in legal terms, 2022 is the blink of an eye.

Yes this worries me.

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thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 17/12/2020 00:27

And if he gets divorced, and you marry, what next? You've said he seems to attract chaos due to his horizontal/passive attitude, do you really want to be married to this? Every major life event/decision will end up being yours to sort alone because he can't be arsed. I suppose what I'm saying is be careful what you wish for, his inertia won't get any better.

Dannydevitoiloveyourart · 17/12/2020 00:28

It sounds like you’re on it OP. I was just coming on here to agree with a previous poster that in court terms 2022 is very tight. Also add to that the fact that COVID has delayed court timescales by 6-9 months.

I’m not sure how long divorces usually take in Ireland once they are in the court (I’m in UK) but here you can expect 9-18 months for a fairly simple divorce and 18 months to up to 4 years for a bitterly contested and messy divorce.

Hopefully it can get sorted before your wedding date but you may find you need to postpone or it’s stressfully tight.

Dannydevitoiloveyourart · 17/12/2020 00:29

Yes this worries me.

Sorry OP I missed your latest post. Please ignore mine

Kalula · 17/12/2020 02:11

OP, you have a lot of patience; both with the posters on here and your fiance. You were not with a 'married man' he was legally separated and the marriage for all intents and purposes, over. Ignore the ignorant 'oh you bought a house/had child with a married man' comments.

With regard to your fiance, his disregard for your feelings is terrible. If he truly wanted to be divorced, he would have been. If he truly wanted to be divorced he would have been divorced long, long before now. You definitely need to remind him of your ultimatum. You want him divorced within the next few months max. You want him to SHIT OR GET OFF THE POT. The way he has strung you along is simply not right, it's not how you treat someone you love. If he was so in love with you, he'd move heaven, earth and the entire fucking galaxy to be divorced from his ex. He is playing with your emotions and stringing you along. He 'fish or cuts bait'. He shits or gets off the pot. Before midway next year. End of story, non-negotiable. Full stop.

changedmynameforChristmas · 17/12/2020 02:31

OP
If he is really committed to being with you, get him to sign the house over to you and then divorce his wife.
If he does not want to sign the house over it will tell you all you need to know

LopsidedWombat · 17/12/2020 02:31

Is there a legitimate reason that makes it more difficult than a standard divorce? What reasons does he give? I only ask because not getting divorced doesn't always mean that you don't want to be. It could even boil down to laziness. Or fear for what it might mean financially.

In your position I would be concerned that he might not actually want to get married as the engagement happened with him knowing full well you cannot legally marry without him first getting a divorce. Or seeing as it was her who ended their marriage, might he want to stall to prevent her remarrying? Whatever the case, sounds like you need a very open and frank discussion about this with him so you can decide how you want to proceed.

ReadyFreddy · 17/12/2020 02:40

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noodlezoodle · 17/12/2020 06:03

I'm sorry OP, you're clearly very (rightfully) frustrated.

As upsetting as this situation is, I think the crux of it is where you said Do I actually want to marry him if it's going to be a life surrounded by chaos, procrastination and let's face generally maddening behaviour.

This is the real issue - do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who's conflict avoidant, takes the easy way out and doesn't want to deal with difficult issues? If you marry him it sounds as though you will be taking on a lifetime of having to drive things along - which sounds exhausting.

malificent7 · 17/12/2020 06:10

Why the hell would anyone be bothered to check the grade of diamond in this situation? I am missing the point i know.