He is still not divorced

[Heisstillnotdivorced]

Namechanged.

My fiance and I got engaged almost a year ago. We have one daughter, she is two years old. We have been living together for four years and own a house in both our names. He was legally separated when I met him and had been for two years.

Things are pretty hostile with his ex, lots of sniping back and forth all the time. They have three teenage DCs together. She ended the marriage and has a new partner but seems to find any excuse to argue with my fiance. Initially I got on quite well with her but not anymore, she sent me a spiteful message last year saying he didn't want to move on from her, if he did they would be divorced now. I avoid her now.

My problem is he has been promising me for two years now that he is going to sort his divorce out but there is always a reason it doesn't get done.

AIBU to call off the engagement?

The key issue for me I think would be, is he useless in general - which would be a pita to be married to - or is it just the divorce specifically?

I know for me that certain major tasks can be so intimidating you almost become phobic of them and freeze. Sounds like he’s had a legal nightmare already. On the other hand, does it show a more general ineptness/laziness

I think he sounds like a fly boy and knows exactly what he's doing.

He's just gone far enough-a separation-to be able to say he wants to get married but not far enough-a divorce-to have to actually do it.

If the OP was in his situation, I imagine she would have that divorce by now. He doesn't and sometimes the easiest answer as to why he doesn't, is the right one. Because he doesn't want to marry her.

@snookercue

It's not an attack on autism. It's a query on Pathological Demand Avoidance - and only because the post sounded a fair bit like it.

It's bollocks is what it is. Every fucking time.

I agree. Every. Single. Time. As the mother of an adult son with Aspergers it is fucking insulting.

He's paying you lip service by arranging appts with 2 solicitors.

Unless he gets round the table with the wife and moves it all along with mediation or whatever, you are still stuck.

Time to wise up and move on.

As a fellow practitioner of avoidance I can relate to your DPs ennui with regard to a difficult, frustrating situation. I wouldn’t tolerate this though.

Once he partnered up with you he became obligated to take care of things that impact both of you.

I absolutely understand your anger about it.

Hope you can work it out and that he learns a lesson about difficult things becoming more difficult the longer you leave them. I’m still learning.

Ennui wasn’t the right word... I meant more of behaving like an ostrich when something hard is in front of me.

Can he get a mediator or other legal person to take most of it out of his hands?

@ImEatingVeryHealthilyOhYes a mediator, a solicitor or any other professional advising him will still need instructions from him. He will need to engage with the process: that’s what being an adult and accepting there are consequences to your actions is all about.

He doesn't need all this legal advise.. he knows this shit... he's been living with court appearances for 5 years... he doesn't want to proceed with it..

*advice

CBA as I believe the young folk say.

@Heisstillnotdivorced our divorce only very recently came through, so no, not married yet.. Cost me a fortune and him not a penny as well

The onion: outer layer - he isn't divorced, next layer - he is disorganized, avoidant, next layer - you are hurt and resentful that he hasn't priorised you, core - do you want to be with someone who sees you in pain and does not address it. Once you have seen this core layer, can you put the onion back together and carry on? You can decide that he is a flawed individual, that it is worth helping him with this so that your close family unit can be legally united. This will have a cost, but it is possible to choose to do this, without resenting him, accepting him as he really is. Or you can say, this isn't something that you want in a life partner but you are okay to coparent with him. Its not a happy choice to make, but it is yours to make.

@Piglet89

Honestly, though, I can’t believe how rude you’ve been to some who’ve posted on this thread.

I understand you’re angry with your fiancé for disrespecting you in this way, but we aren’t him.

I agree, I have read through and think it's hilarious @Heisstillnotdivorced is so rude to posters on here, yet she is the one living with a married man who clearly is dragging his heals, and yet she is here offended because posters have called her out on her stupidity wanting to marry a man with a lot of baggage

Well this thread was hilarious.

OP.

Look, it's well known that when a man gets legally separated he downs tools.

You can be legally separated for the rest of your life.

Look at bloody Bertie Ahern. When he dies she'll be all over his obituary as his widow, despite him living openly with Celia Larkin and then Anna Bogle for decades. And I remember at his 60th, it was the wife Miriam who was at the top table with his daughters, though they had "graciously" invited Anna.

Do you remember the first divorce ever in Ireland? It was a rush job, granted to A MAN ON HIS DEATHBED so he could marry his long term partner after BEING LEGALLY SEPERATED FOR DECADES!

It literally took him going to a Hospice to get finally divorced!

Honestly, I'd take the ring off. Its just making an eejit of you. He can stick his head in the sand and bang on about "my fiancé" to everyone and get all excited about venues whilst sitting comfy without having to do anything.

Don't have people laughing at you.

I got engaged to my DH while we were both still married divorces were taking forever and we were living together, we both definitely intended to get married and did so 2 months after our decree absolutes came.
Sorry OP I realise this isn’t helpful advice but just wanted to throw it out there that getting engaged when one/both parties is still married shouldn’t really be that much of an issue as an engagement is simply a promise to get married, it has no legal ramifications.
I hope you get it sorted and it doesn’t ruin your Christmas - sounds a bit like he doesn’t deserve you to me!

Look at bloody Bertie Ahern. When he dies she'll be all over his obituary as his widow, despite him living openly with Celia Larkin and then Anna Bogle for decades. And I remember at his 60th, it was the wife Miriam who was at the top table with his daughters, though they had "graciously" invited Anna

Ah come on, when they seperated there was no divorce in Ireland, fgs

He is married to her now then? You know, now that it is allowed!

maybe they don't care anymore,. or maybe, given that he is a practising catholic and so is his wife, they don't beleive in divorce? Who cares, if the people involved are happy enough?

@ImEatingVeryHealthilyOhYes

Can he get a mediator or other legal person to take most of it out of his hands?

Yes, if he could be bothered! And now he is finally because he knows I've gone off him. So basically because it will impact him, not because it's the right thing to do.

I think you asked me a few posts back if he is useless in general. He's absolutely great on day-to-day stuff but big important stuff he's a nightmare. I took over our mortgage application entirely, we would have still been living in rented accommodation otherwise. His entire family is the same - if there is a ridiculous messy way to approach a situation they will find it.

OP I can actually feel your pain from here and not only on the divorce issue but on having to respond to some clownish responses on here.

I too am Irish and I am divorced but as we had no kids together or anything like that we just went for the jugular and ignored the judicial separation cos neither of us had the money and it actually was going to cost about 3 times what a divorce costs.

Can she really change her wishes after she has signed off on a judicial separation? I thought once that was signed then it was just a matter for someone to eventually file for the divorce, day in court and done although a lot of older irish don't even bother with the divorce. My own parents only got divorced 3 years ago despite being legally separated since the 90's and it was only a formality as she was getting married again. Their initial agreement stood as far as I know but sure makes no odds cos we were all gone and married off ourselves by then anyway.

This country and its ridiculous rules over divorce piss me right off. Took me over 7 years to get rid of my extra bit of useless flesh just because he didnt really fancy divorcing me. Tosser.

I would end it. You will see if he fears losing you or if he fears "another divorce".

Good luck

@Pickledpenguin

OP I can actually feel your pain from here and not only on the divorce issue but on having to respond to some clownish responses on here.

Ah, wise up - she’s had plenty of sound advice and people taking time to consider all the issues (including an actually Irish family lawyer FFS) as well as the usual silly assumptions that the family law of England and Wales applies all over the world.

She doesn’t have to respond to the erroneous posts here; she chose to. Zero sympathy.

You deserve better than this heel dragger op.

You sound quick witted and capable and you are solvent with only one dependent. Disentangle yourself from him.

I wonder why people post to say you had a baby? You got engaged ?
These responses are so rude.