He is still not divorced

[Heisstillnotdivorced]

Namechanged.

My fiance and I got engaged almost a year ago. We have one daughter, she is two years old. We have been living together for four years and own a house in both our names. He was legally separated when I met him and had been for two years.

Things are pretty hostile with his ex, lots of sniping back and forth all the time. They have three teenage DCs together. She ended the marriage and has a new partner but seems to find any excuse to argue with my fiance. Initially I got on quite well with her but not anymore, she sent me a spiteful message last year saying he didn't want to move on from her, if he did they would be divorced now. I avoid her now.

My problem is he has been promising me for two years now that he is going to sort his divorce out but there is always a reason it doesn't get done.

AIBU to call off the engagement?

Ps.. I’m in a part of the UK where separation agreements are legally binding, and assets gained after that point are safe. So I don’t eg have claim on their (hypothetical) house.

I have a friend who has been in this position. Took him 10 years to actually get a divorce as he felt afraid his ex ( who had left him) would try and push the settlement in her favour and use the children if he pushed for it. In the end she wanted to remarry so it was all done v amicably. I do wonder whether the ex now she knows he's planning to remarry and using that to screw him over as she thinks he'd agree to anything if he needs a quick divorce to marry you. He shouldn't put himself in a worse financial position because of this. It is very stressful especially as they have kids together. So maybe if you called off the formal engagement or wedding and just sit back for a bit and look like you're both not bothered. I know you would like it done now but as long as you are in the will and the life insurance you are fine financially. Sometimes circumstances mean you have to compromise. If you are bored with his dithering and lack of urgency in general that's another matter.

[quote chubbyhotchoc]@Heisstillnotdivorced what she's saying is that men will do what it takes to make the women they love happy and to make a life long commitment if you are the one. I was only separated when I met my now dh. He wanted to get married as soon as possible so he helped me get a solicitor and paid for my divorce to quicken the process. Your guy is in no rush and you have to look at why [/quote]
I hear you but I am pretty sure if I stepped in, booked the solicitor and figured out the finances it would get done.

I resent it though. He's not an infant. It's not me who needs to get divorced. It's important to me that he steps up and priorities it as a gesture. And I resent it has taken to this (me wanting to leave) to make him step up and sort out solicitors. He was adamant he could do it himself totally not acknowledging that him taking this approach is what created a giant mess with the separation court orders and imo lots of unnecessary stress.

Thanks to the posters (there are a few) who wrote the lengthy posts who have a good understanding of how the process works here. I agree with what you said but it is now a year since he proposed and if he placed any urgency on this it would be sorted or close to sorted by now.

Instead he thinks he can push it down the to-do list and that is why we are at the point where I'm close to not caring.

Even though he probably will do it now, treating me like this has soured the whole experience for me.

You can't be engaged to a married man.its just a pretend engagement. With a man pretending to want to get divorced 😅.

And woooow for you saying so many bitter and passive aggressive messages... I guess it must be hard getting all these truth bombs thrown on you..

Anyway good luck with your "engagement "

I see why you feel like that OP, it’s very understandable

@ColdTattyWaitingForSummer

I’m on the other side of the same situation.. When my ex and I separated we did a separation agreement quite quickly as there was a house that needed to be sold.. With hindsight I should have just filed for divorce at the same time, but I had so much on my plate (emotionally and financially, as well as serious health worries) that I decided it was a problem to kick down the road. A few years later he met and got engaged to someone else, he asked me for a divorce, and I said sure just file and I’ll sign off on it. Another year passed and nothing happened, so eventually I filed (meaning all the costs have fallen to me). Neither of us wanted to be married to the other, it was purely an issue of the time and expense on my part, and my ex has never been able to organise anything paperwork related in his life. I confess I found it odd that she was happy to get engaged to someone still married, and that she didn’t push him harder to sort it out.

Yeah it seems I am living with your ex. She probably never stopped pushing him and was tearing her hair out in frustration by the time it came through. Did she marry him in the end?

@Yeahnahmum

You can't be engaged to a married man.its just a pretend engagement. With a man pretending to want to get divorced 😅.

And woooow for you saying so many bitter and passive aggressive messages... I guess it must be hard getting all these truth bombs thrown on you..

Anyway good luck with your "engagement "

What does woooow mean? Is it a hybrid of wow and woo?

Regardless, woooow to you too for your clever use of emojis and creative punctuation.

OP I don’t know if this might be reassuring by my xh said he’d organise the divorce then did absolutely nothing about it for over a year (so I did it).

I know he had no feelings left for me during that time and was in a new committed relationship.

So although he was being a bit useless, it didn’t reflect any residual feelings for me.

@ImEatingVeryHealthilyOhYes

OP I don’t know if this might be reassuring by my xh said he’d organise the divorce then did absolutely nothing about it for over a year (so I did it).

I know he had no feelings left for me during that time and was in a new committed relationship.

So although he was being a bit useless, it didn’t reflect any residual feelings for me.

It is in one way thanks but also, its him being useless which is driving me mad.

This is what I would do. Cancel the wedding completely. End the engagement. Give him back the ring.

Tell him you love him and when he's free to marry, he's free to propose again.

It's sad but I'm sure you're worth more than this. You should not be having to hound him to organise his divorce or arrange it for him. How fucking dare he ask you to marry him then not get divorced. He's really not kept his side of the bargain and that's before you're married!

I see you've had some moralising comments, from the superior amongst us, you've handled them perfectly

@GabriellaMontez

This is what I would do. Cancel the wedding completely. End the engagement. Give him back the ring.

Tell him you love him and when he's free to marry, he's free to propose again.

It's sad but I'm sure you're worth more than this. You should not be having to hound him to organise his divorce or arrange it for him. How fucking dare he ask you to marry him then not get divorced. He's really not kept his side of the bargain and that's before you're married!

I see you've had some moralising comments, from the superior amongst us, you've handled them perfectly

I think this is really sound advice thank you.

I said I would make plans to leave if he didn't organise a solicitor. He has organised consultations with two

Okay, so in response to your (very sensible) ultimatum he's booked a couple of legal consultations. Never mind for a moment that he could have done this years ago - at least he's done it now

But can you be sure they'll get you any further forward, and that he won't just use them to explain yet more legal problems and hold-ups? Or that his apparent keenness won't fizzle out once the ultimatum's been "parked"?

And let's say it all went through and the marriage happened ... could you honestly put your waning respect aside and enjoy it, knowing you'd had to force him and that your new husband is someone you'd always have to carry over difficult issues?

Too long a post maybe, but in the end it comes down to this: is he really worth it?

Leave him, his avoidance of adulting speaks volumes, why do you want that for your life?

Leave him and take your equity out of your house before it disappears over to his ex!!

I can understand why you're frustrated - what was his plan? Did he propose just for the sake of it, or did he have an actual plan in his head of finalising the divorce and getting married to you? I always feel like you get engaged to start actively planning your wedding, but I recognise that that's not the case for everyone. Do you want to get married?

It just seems very messy as they could still be financially tangled. What would happen if something happened to him? If he's still legally married to his ex, regardless of the legal separation, it may leave you and your child in a very vulnerable position.

@Puzzledandpissedoff

I said I would make plans to leave if he didn't organise a solicitor. He has organised consultations with two

Okay, so in response to your (very sensible) ultimatum he's booked a couple of legal consultations. Never mind for a moment that he could have done this years ago - at least he's done it now

But can you be sure they'll get you any further forward, and that he won't just use them to explain yet more legal problems and hold-ups? Or that his apparent keenness won't fizzle out once the ultimatum's been "parked"?

And let's say it all went through and the marriage happened ... could you honestly put your waning respect aside and enjoy it, knowing you'd had to force him and that your new husband is someone you'd always have to carry over difficult issues?

Too long a post maybe, but in the end it comes down to this: is he really worth it?

No I can't be sure and this is what is consuming me with worry now.

@Heisstillnotdivorced, i suspect she is dragging it out as she knows the closer towards your wedding it get the more desperate he will be to get it done (and the easier he will comply to her demands just to get rid of her).

I know its his situation and his mess. But it needs sorting. I can kind of see where hes coming from delaying it. Having to interact with her and basically be bullied about assets and what she wants doesnt sound fun. No wonder he doesnt want to do it. Its a never ending corridor of "i want or i wont sign" and hes going to end up losing money/assets/whatever. Maybe help him and do it together? I know its not your job and problem and he should be doing it but I just think unity may help the situation and also get it done and dusted so you can all move on. If you leave it to him I imagine it will be done the week before (causing lots of stress and arguments in a time you should be excited and happy) and him ending up agreeing to give her lots of money and his kidney just to get it signed.

My DH is very capable and a successful in his business, however useless at home and with pressure (outside his career field). He is the type who thinks its fine to spend £50 on a gift on amazon the night before its due rather than thinking a week ahead and getting it for £25 elsewhere. The idea of watching him piss away money because he is so last minute puts my teeth on edge so I end up doing most things for him. Which, yes doesn't help and makes the problem worse and enables him, but makes me feel better and issues run more smoothly. I just have to concentrate on the fact he is so lovely in every other aspect of life and accept this failing (God knows im not perfect and have fucked up and hes helped me). Also facing "team hesstill" rather than just a desperate bloke with a fiancee angry at him, might piss all over the wifes parade.

@ReadyFreddy

I’m wondering if his ex was emotionally abusive. It would certainly explain why she exerts so much control over him and why he might be scared to divorce her.

This struck a chord with me. Yes I wonder is this the reason for his inability to move it forward. You’ve said he’s a good dad, a good partner, financially sound, but he is blocked in how to proceed with this. I really hope he gets a solicitor who can help him see the way. You just have to mentally write off the costs.

Now I have “we’re going on a bear hunt” going round my head. He’s going to have to go through it. No way around it.

I think what @ChristmasFluff means is that if someone wants to marry, then nothing will stand in their way.

Your married man is just not that into you. Harsh but true. If he was, no matter what, he would now be a single man and he isn't.

Marrying you is low down his list of wants-it might be on there but not that high up. If it was, he would now be a single man and he isn't.

That's the bottom line. If he wanted to marry you, he'd be single after all this time and he is isn't because he doesn't.

He's giving you a whole load of shite. You know it's shite. Most of us know it's shite and so does he.

Rings, venues-all bollocks, all shop window dressing. The only thing he needs is a bit of paper and that seems to be the only thing he won't get.

Don't let him keep fooling you with his ring, his talk of venues, his hot air. Don't let him blow that hot air up your arse and tell you it's a tropical holiday!

Stop swallowing it. Pack his bags, tell him to fuck off and come back when he is a single man. Maybe he will, most likely he won't,

Stop being a gobshite. Stop giving his excuses houseroom. Stop believing in jam tomorrow.

I agree with Gabriella. He has put the cart before the horse, really.

If he had taken legal advice and come to you and explained the potential problems and costs, you would know where you stood and between you would have made a considered decision how to proceed.

What he has done is assume the divorce will be straightforward, done nothing about it, hit a potential problem, done nothing about it - having already proposed to you and set a date for the wedding.

So no, not your responsibility to go marching him to lawyers. He needs to sort things out.

The other thing that would give me pause, seriously, is that you need to be very, very sure you want to be married to him, and it does not sound, given your comments, that you are. I say this because it will clearly be quite difficult and expensive to divorce the man, and you would undoubtedly end up sorting it out yourself.

Good luck whatever you decide

Hi op

I think many men are scared of their ex wives making life difficult for them !

When I met my partner he was separated but not divorced. I told fin I didn’t want to be with someone still married . He started divorce proceedings but that is when the amicable relationship with his ex became more tricky as she basically massively angry he wanted a divorce . I think she wanted to stay married but just lead separate lives as she hadn’t and still hasn’t met anyone .

You’re in a tricky position due to your dc and owning a house with him cos you can’t call time on the relationship thus forcing him to sort it ...

Agree with the other poster - call off the engagement I would for sure

Men are sometimes so cowardly ! Xx

I can't be sure and this is what is consuming me with worry now

I don't blame you at all; equally I wouldn't blame you for feeling that, after years and a family together, you just want to try "this one more thing" in the hope it'll somehow work this time

But you're also right that it's the overall message he's sending which matters, and that message isn't positive at all. I honestly hope it works out and that the January meetings lead to something actually happening, but I think you know deep down that the chances aren't high

Maybe it's time to cast a mental eye ahead to a future without him, but with someone who will give you the respect you deserve?

Yay me .... I've got "'clever use of emojis AND creative punctuation" 👏🏽

I also got some great film recommendations: he is just not that into you AND ... well no actually that was it

Girl it's time to take the red pill and wake up to the reality

By the way I totally understand how overwhelming the legal divorce process can seem. But if he's not ready to undertake this then he's not really in a position to propose to you.

Sorry OP I know you just want him to grow a pair.

@CakeRequired

It's funny how you think being sarcastic will help op. You're likely going to have to sell your house and give a quarter of the amount of it to her. You're going to be back to renting, probably forever. He is going to have half of his pension taken, and any other assets. That's all no doubt going to happen because you're engaged to a spineless pushover. Dumping him won't let you escape this, you signed the papers on the house. You're stuck now.

Be sarcastic all you want, but people are trying to help and sarcasm is going to get you nowhere. But you've gotten yourself into this mess, if you're more intelligent than the rest of us like you seem to think, sort the mess out yourself. Should be easy, right? Good luck to you.

WRONG. OP explained many times up thread, she is in Ireland. Different legal system. She took financial advice before buying the house. She is not at risk of losing half her house to his ex. She has explained all this.

@ADRIENNEthroughbloodshoteyes

Yes, I'm astounded at the number of posters who are wilfully ignoring what the OP has said about the legal system in Ireland and about how she obtained financial advice before she bought a house with her partner.

I'm not surprised at her irritation tbh. It's as if they really believe that they know more about the Irish legal system than she does.