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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave one girls name off the team card?

533 replies

GinAtMerlottes · 16/12/2020 14:33

DD (10) joined a sports team in September. There is 9 of them in the team and two or three who train with them but aren’t in the official team.
The coach is a volunteer and she puts in so so much effort with the girls and is just so lovely. The team in this iteration is new and this is her first year coaching also.

I sent a message to all the other parents to see if they wanted to contribute to a joint gift. Quite a few did so I set up a PayPal pool and set the amount for £10. In the end everyone contributed, and the training kids put in £5 and we got 100 odd quid. Bought some vouchers and am going to give them along with a card and wine tonight.

One set of parents didn’t respond at all to any messages about the present and didn’t mention it to me at training either. No problem at all but it does mean every others kids name is on the card but not theirs. They are very involved with the team and the sport so no doubt they’ve done their own thing or whatever but WIBU to leave this girls name off?

I also arrange the teacher collection at school and don’t set an amount for that and have just written “from class” in the cards regardless of who has actually contributed. But this is a sports team they elect to join so feels a bit different.

Small issue but preoccupying me this morning. I try and be very inclusive etc in everything and doesn’t sit well to leave off one name.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 16/12/2020 16:07

I guess the best thing to do is for all the people slating the op to organise the next one (and bear in mind this is very popular as it means contributors have to put no thought in, just cash, I love it when someone organises this), and put everyone's names down. Sorted.

LoveMyKidsAndCats · 16/12/2020 16:07

Defo put the kids name in the card OP. You cannot just leave 1 out. They could be in a difficult situation with their finances.

Cheeseandwin5 · 16/12/2020 16:07

I think the OP is getting a pretty hard time for what is a pretty difficult dynamic.
The problem is we don't know the reason for the parents not responding or the reasons for those who did contribute.
If everyone was financially comfortable and the girls parents had bought a separate present just from them would be saying she should be included?
If there are other members of the team who couldn't afford the £10 but have gone without, should they be penalised by having their efforts pooled with some one hasn't?
What happens next time if 2 or 3 girls don't pay?

For its worth I would have probably included everyone in a generic team and trainers message, but I think the parents are more at fault.
They maybe embarrassed about the situation but they have left the OP damned whatever she does. They could have easily offered to pay at a latter date or contribute a smaller sum or anything.
By not communicating they have heaped all the responsibility on to the OP.

unlikelytobe · 16/12/2020 16:08

a lot of people hate group collections

Especially when someone sets the amount rather than just letting people put in whatever they feel is appropriate and can afford. Peer pressure? Dictatorship? Any collection should be anonymous, voluntary and without names.

We don't know why these people didn't contribute - maybe it's a tenner for this and a tenner for a class teacher and another tenner for something else which all adds up. Their choice anyway.

andyoldlabour · 16/12/2020 16:08

Shaming one child out of a team. How mean can you get?

ancientgran · 16/12/2020 16:10

By not communicating they have heaped all the responsibility on to the OP. No the OP claimed the responsibility by starting the collection and setting a minimum amount.

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 16/12/2020 16:12

Fuck me OP, you sound ridiculous. I hope you enjoy the warm glow of smug satisfaction of thinking you've somehow got one over this poor girl who had no choice as to whether or not her parents made a contribution. You have no idea what their circumstances are (and yes, £10 is a LOT of money to quite a lot of people)

I also very quietly hope that her parents show up with a fecking Harrods hamper to make you look as petty as you seem to be.

ancientgran · 16/12/2020 16:13

Some people choose to do their own thing and presumably some not at all, it's not a problem. I used to run a popular afterschool activity with another mum, we weren't paid, subs were minimal as we wanted all kids to have a chance. We wouldn't have wanted anyone collecting for us and asking people for £10, we would have felt awful if a child was left out so the effort would have been wasted on us. A drawing, a home made card or something the child wants to give (sometimes quite unique) would have made us very happy.

WorraLiberty · 16/12/2020 16:13

@Cheeseandwin5

I think the OP is getting a pretty hard time for what is a pretty difficult dynamic. The problem is we don't know the reason for the parents not responding or the reasons for those who did contribute. If everyone was financially comfortable and the girls parents had bought a separate present just from them would be saying she should be included? If there are other members of the team who couldn't afford the £10 but have gone without, should they be penalised by having their efforts pooled with some one hasn't? What happens next time if 2 or 3 girls don't pay?

For its worth I would have probably included everyone in a generic team and trainers message, but I think the parents are more at fault.
They maybe embarrassed about the situation but they have left the OP damned whatever she does. They could have easily offered to pay at a latter date or contribute a smaller sum or anything.
By not communicating they have heaped all the responsibility on to the OP.

Wow and I thought the OP was overthinking it Confused

I'm sure the other parents who stuck a tenner in wouldn't give a shit, even if they did know one child's parents didn't contribute.

In fact, they shouldn't know but I have a feeling the OP will make sure everyone including the coach does.

NailsNeedDoing · 16/12/2020 16:14

Include her name because it’s nicer for the volunteer to feel like she’s appreciated by the whole team and it would be sad if you did a nice thing and gave a gift, but then it made the volunteer worry that she’d done something to upset the parent that didn’t contribute.

It isn’t about the parent or child that didn’t contribute, its about the recipient of the gift.

LadyLinnaeus · 16/12/2020 16:14

If gifts are only supposed to be from the people who contribute, does that mean I can leave DH off the kids presents tag? It’s only me who is earning after all? ‘Happy Xmas DS, love from Mummy who paid for this present but not Daddy as he didn’t’ 🤔🥳🤣

Beautifulbonnie · 16/12/2020 16:15

Oh no. That’s shocking

No no no no no

How awful. The child is just that. A child. You don’t know anything about their financial problems or whatnot. That would be so incredibly cruel to not include her name. Oh please don’t do that. That’s so very sad

Nonamesavail · 16/12/2020 16:18

Why is this even complicated? Just add her on.

LolaSmiles · 16/12/2020 16:19

I understand the principle that gifts come from those who contribute so wouldn't think it was unreasonable for gifts to come from those who participated in the collection.

Where I think the OP is hugely unreasonable is being in a team a couple of months, appointing herself as some sort of queen bee present organiser and setting a set amount for people to pay. Over £100 is really quite a large gift for most clubs.

I love a group gift but would have been a bit Hmm if a new parent showed up and started telling everyone what the set amount was for their pet project.

Really what should have happened is a much lower key 'would anyone like to do a group gift for the coach instead of each doing smaller things? If anyone is interested then could you pass your contribution to me by X date and I'll get it sorted for everyone'.

randomer · 16/12/2020 16:21

I know this is a mad 19th Century idea, but could you speak to the parents of the child who didn't contribute.....in a light hearted and pleasant way obviously. It would take seconds of your time.

And For Gods Dake don't leave the poor kid off the card.

NoDabbingPlease · 16/12/2020 16:22

@HunterHearstHelmsley

Setting the amount was presumptuous. If it had been "donations welcome" or whatever then I'd be inclined to agree. £10 is a lot of money to some people and you can't expect the parents to disclose this to you.

They might be scraping the money together for the club as their daughter loves attending.

I'd normally be the first to say nah, you didn't chip in so jog on. However, in this instance I think it would be cruel to leave her off.

I echo everyone saying to put from the team, or from the team, volunteers and coaches.

Yes this. I don't think it's fair to set the amount. Just say you're organising a joint thing and invite people to chip in what they want to.
liveitwell · 16/12/2020 16:24

@GinAtMerlottes

Grin honestly this place is incredible. It never changes. You’re all winding each other up now and the outrage and horror and people being devastated and terrified for my children and so so thankful they don’t know me has started, so I’ll leave you to it.

And to confirm, I’ve just done the card and I’ve written all the names of the people who contributed.

So why did you post on AIBU? You clearly knew what you wanted to do.

Btw you will likely look extremely petty to the coach.

tttigress · 16/12/2020 16:24

Could you put something like, "The team, and the whole xxx sport family at XXX"

I would not leave one child out.

TommyKnocker · 16/12/2020 16:25

Wouldn't even cross my mind to leave her name off the list - although I probably would just write 'from team x' rather than listing every name.

Namechangeforthis111 · 16/12/2020 16:25

Personally I would have set the amount lower (£5?).

But normally when we do this we only include the names of those who donate.

They may have bought their own present. It would have polite to reply though!

It should be ok as long as you don’t male a big thing of handing it over.

Namechangeforthis111 · 16/12/2020 16:26

Make

Viviennemary · 16/12/2020 16:26

This has already been done 're teachers present.

ScribblingPixie · 16/12/2020 16:27

Could you add 'and the whole team' as a last line? Then you've sidestepped the issue.

Potaoesgivemeheartburn · 16/12/2020 16:29

Don’t pretend to be doing something altruistic “oh look at me, I’m so kind and thoughtful” then do something utterly pernicious which could fuck up this kids self esteem and esprit de Corps fir good.

You sound nothing if not petty.

Don’t do the bloody thing if you’re going to be making judgements about whether they got back to you or not, whether they ‘deserve’ their name to be in the card. Because that’s what you really think, isn’t it?

VetiverAndLavender · 16/12/2020 16:29

I don't understand what's so "cringey" about "here's a gift from the whole team"... That seems fairly standard to me, when the gift literally has been bought through contributions from (nearly) everyone. Definitely nothing to cringe about!