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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave one girls name off the team card?

533 replies

GinAtMerlottes · 16/12/2020 14:33

DD (10) joined a sports team in September. There is 9 of them in the team and two or three who train with them but aren’t in the official team.
The coach is a volunteer and she puts in so so much effort with the girls and is just so lovely. The team in this iteration is new and this is her first year coaching also.

I sent a message to all the other parents to see if they wanted to contribute to a joint gift. Quite a few did so I set up a PayPal pool and set the amount for £10. In the end everyone contributed, and the training kids put in £5 and we got 100 odd quid. Bought some vouchers and am going to give them along with a card and wine tonight.

One set of parents didn’t respond at all to any messages about the present and didn’t mention it to me at training either. No problem at all but it does mean every others kids name is on the card but not theirs. They are very involved with the team and the sport so no doubt they’ve done their own thing or whatever but WIBU to leave this girls name off?

I also arrange the teacher collection at school and don’t set an amount for that and have just written “from class” in the cards regardless of who has actually contributed. But this is a sports team they elect to join so feels a bit different.

Small issue but preoccupying me this morning. I try and be very inclusive etc in everything and doesn’t sit well to leave off one name.

OP posts:
toomanyplants · 16/12/2020 15:39

@changedmynameforChristmas

Her kid only joined the team in September and yet she appointed herself as some kind of ambassador for 'the gift'.

I think it is another breed of woman who does this kind of shit and it's because nobody else likes them

Absolutely agree
crazychemist · 16/12/2020 15:42

Oh god, you’ve just reminded me I didn’t send money for DDs teachers present yet. Hope the mum organising that doesn’t look at it the way you do Blush

ancientgran · 16/12/2020 15:43

@Bunnybigears but that's because you are a nice person, not everyone is.

ancientgran · 16/12/2020 15:45

@crazychemist Oh god, you’ve just reminded me I didn’t send money for DDs teachers present yet. Hope the mum organising that doesn’t look at it the way you do Well Tesco might say there's no naughty list this year but I think there might be an exception for parents who don't contribute to collections. I hope you make it in time.

shinynewapple2020 · 16/12/2020 15:45

I think that you need to just put 'the team' or words to that effect .

I really don't think it's right to include the name of the child where parents have made no response about this, considering I assume this is a Christmas gift. I have worked with people who didn't celebrate Christmas and I know would have been very annoyed for any assumptions made to include their child on anything Christmas related. (Literally they wouldn't eat any chocolates bought in for the team because this was for Christmas)

OTOH you don't want to draw attention if it is simply they can't afford .

lightyearsahead · 16/12/2020 15:46

Please do not single out a child and leave his/her name off the card.
Just do it from the team.

SunnyNights · 16/12/2020 15:46

It's a shitty thing to do to leave one child's name off a card. I'm assuming the coach actually likes children, given their job etc, so expect they will think you're a bit of a dick tbh.

ghostyslovesheets · 16/12/2020 15:46

how horrible - honestly why take it upon yourself to organise a collection if it's going to cause you such stress - oh no - hang on - you are enjoying this really - coming on telling everyone how nice you are for doing it - how conflicted you are about the (little) girl - then doing exactly what you where always going to do and exclude one 10 year old because her parents didn;t cough up

poor show OP very poor show

shinynewapple2020 · 16/12/2020 15:47

@Bonsai49

I wouldn’t add the name of someone who didn’t contribute - they might have religious reasons for not contributing . I would go for ‘from the team , reserves and coaches ‘ .

Absolutely this. Quite surprised that others have not come across this.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 16/12/2020 15:47

Elfieishere. May I ask what planet you come from because it can't be this one or Or have you been asleep for this past year while people through no fault of their own have losing their jobs and lively hoods.

ancientgran · 16/12/2020 15:49

Absolutely this. Quite surprised that others have not come across this. Others have which is why they suggested putting something like from all at x club or from the team. Just something that doesn't single out one child.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 16/12/2020 15:50

Why did you start this thread op. Its clear you were going austocise the child regardless of opinions on here.

Elfieishere · 16/12/2020 15:51

@Awwlookatmybabyspider

Elfieishere. May I ask what planet you come from because it can't be this one or Or have you been asleep for this past year while people through no fault of their own have losing their jobs and lively hoods.
I’m from the U.K. 👍🏻
SallyCinnamonYoureMyWorld · 16/12/2020 15:52

I would just sign it from The Team or The Class.

We do this at school. Nobody knows who has contributed, including the teachers, but they always get quite a lot.

Mydogmylife · 16/12/2020 15:55

@LittleMissLockdown

So as punishment to her parents for not taking part in your collection and doing their own thing you want to exclude the name of a 10 year old from a card? I honestly don't understand how people can think like this... Hmm
I agree with this
JustLikeStitch · 16/12/2020 15:55

Wow, just wow.

MyfanwyMontez · 16/12/2020 15:56

Elfieishere. May I ask what planet you come from because it can't be this one or Or have you been asleep for this past year while people through no fault of their own have losing their jobs and lively hoods.

Spot on.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 16/12/2020 15:59

Setting the amount was presumptuous. If it had been "donations welcome" or whatever then I'd be inclined to agree. £10 is a lot of money to some people and you can't expect the parents to disclose this to you.

They might be scraping the money together for the club as their daughter loves attending.

I'd normally be the first to say nah, you didn't chip in so jog on. However, in this instance I think it would be cruel to leave her off.

I echo everyone saying to put from the team, or from the team, volunteers and coaches.

TangoWhiskyAlphaTango · 16/12/2020 16:00

@LimitIsUp

"And to confirm, I’ve just done the card and I’ve written all the names of the people who contributed."

Bit pointless asking really, when clearly you had already made up your mind

Exactly my thoughts. I do find it incredibly mean spirited when you could have easily signed it from the team. Each to their own though.
luckylavender · 16/12/2020 16:00

Another OP who asks a question and has no intention of listening to an answer she disagrees with.

bellie710 · 16/12/2020 16:01

I hate all these collections for teams, groups teachers etc. Include everyone or don't do it. You have no idea of peoples financial circumstances they might just not have any money spare for this type of thing. By ignoring your message she has avoided having to make an excuse for why she doesn't want to contribute.

trappedsincesundaymorn · 16/12/2020 16:01

Small issue but preoccupying me this morning. I try and be very inclusive etc in everything and doesn’t sit well to leave off one name

Yet that's exactly what you have done, so that is obviously a lie.

Lsquiggles · 16/12/2020 16:02

Oh god, I dread my daughter starting school when there's parents like this taking their non-issues out on the children. Get a grip, at least you'll look great personally hanging it over to the teacher Hmm

AnnaSW1 · 16/12/2020 16:03

Just put from the team

RandomUsernameHere · 16/12/2020 16:04

Lots of harsh responses on here. The OP is not trying to ostracise anyone! There's absolutely nothing wrong with putting the names of the people who did contribute, it's not singling anyone out, it just happens to be the case that only one family didn't contribute on this occasion. In our school the class rep always puts the names of the children whose parents contribute (a set amount). Some people choose to do their own thing and presumably some not at all, it's not a problem.