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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave one girls name off the team card?

533 replies

GinAtMerlottes · 16/12/2020 14:33

DD (10) joined a sports team in September. There is 9 of them in the team and two or three who train with them but aren’t in the official team.
The coach is a volunteer and she puts in so so much effort with the girls and is just so lovely. The team in this iteration is new and this is her first year coaching also.

I sent a message to all the other parents to see if they wanted to contribute to a joint gift. Quite a few did so I set up a PayPal pool and set the amount for £10. In the end everyone contributed, and the training kids put in £5 and we got 100 odd quid. Bought some vouchers and am going to give them along with a card and wine tonight.

One set of parents didn’t respond at all to any messages about the present and didn’t mention it to me at training either. No problem at all but it does mean every others kids name is on the card but not theirs. They are very involved with the team and the sport so no doubt they’ve done their own thing or whatever but WIBU to leave this girls name off?

I also arrange the teacher collection at school and don’t set an amount for that and have just written “from class” in the cards regardless of who has actually contributed. But this is a sports team they elect to join so feels a bit different.

Small issue but preoccupying me this morning. I try and be very inclusive etc in everything and doesn’t sit well to leave off one name.

OP posts:
Sinful8 · 16/12/2020 15:25

Ffs who tries to queen bee a child?

nosswith · 16/12/2020 15:25

People who cannot manage and reply to emails or correspondence annoy me I will admit. I would have thought if someone in the team was a JW you would probably know by now.

However, in this year when many have been furloughed and also had other concerns/worries I would make an exception myself. Recognising volunteers for sports teams is something I think OP you have done a good thing in enabling.

PearlescentIridescent · 16/12/2020 15:25

@KillingEvenings

Also, what a strange scenario people are painting where the gift and card gets presented to fanfare and the names all read aloud and the crowd turns to the girl who's name is missing and gasps in horror.

As if. One parent will hand an envelope to the coach and say thanks so much. Coach will say thank you and open in her own time

But that's what makes it more petty!!

And actually, it could easily make the left out child feel sad and awkward. The most likely place for the card and AMAZING PRESENT (well done OP, brava) is surely the next team practice? So even if it not a public humilation affair if all the other girls are aware they/their parents contributed to the card, then this one child could still feel left out and down.

It was many moons ago but when I was a teenager I worked in a fancy finance office. Everyone was quite well off and no one seemed to give a thought to the fact that I couldn't afford to constantly contribute £10 - £20 for each birthday or occasion in our large social group.

No one made a fuss but internally constantly having to weasel out of collections (and having to avoid an older woman who sounds a lot like you, would would constantly and loudly ask everyone for their contributions to the next gift/meal out collection) was draining and made me feel awkward and withdrawn. Inflicting that on a child who has literally no choice whether her parents contribute regardless of how affordable it is to them is just shitty. Especially when it is absolutely no extra effort and isn't putting anyone else out to put her name on the fucking card!!

IntermittentParps · 16/12/2020 15:25

You've been rude and crass, OP. It's not on to tell people what they should contribute to a collection. And of course you shouldn't exclude one name because the child's parents didn't contribute.
Your excuse for not putting “the team” is flimsy. What's wrong with 'from all of us at [name of the centre you meet at or whatever]?' It's not got to stand up in court and I'm sure she'll know who it's from.

ancientgran · 16/12/2020 15:26

And to confirm, I’ve just done the card and I’ve written all the names of the people who contributed. The spirit of Christmas, the joy of a child, you are not someone I'd want organising a collection.

Fieldofyellowflowers · 16/12/2020 15:27

Also, if you want to do a collection, you don't demand that everyone puts a tenner in. You ask people to donate what they feel comfortable with because £10 is a lot of money for people struggling financially. So one parent might donate £20, another person might only donate £1. It doesn't matter.

Elfieishere · 16/12/2020 15:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

changedmynameforChristmas · 16/12/2020 15:28

Her kid only joined the team in September and yet she appointed herself as some kind of ambassador for 'the gift'.

I think it is another breed of woman who does this kind of shit and it's because nobody else likes them

TrialOfStyle · 16/12/2020 15:29

Your excuse for not putting “the team” is flimsy. What's wrong with 'from all of us at [name of the centre you meet at or whatever]?' It's not got to stand up in court and I'm sure she'll know who it's from.

Nah, she didn't want to put 'the team' because she wanted her DD's name clearly first - thus reminding the coach who it's actually from.

ancientgran · 16/12/2020 15:29

If you're heating your home for £10 a week then I need tips. Mine costs at least double that Well it might be a cold house but that is all some people have.

Sinful8 · 16/12/2020 15:31

@KillingEvenings

Well, just to go against the grain, I was once in charge of a similar collection and got told of by other parents for including two children whose parents hadn't paid in as they hadn't agreed to subsidise their contribution.

There could be a thousand reasons they haven't replied but maybe they are doing their own cards and present.

In your shoes I'd probably see if I couldn't find a way to sign it generically, or bring a pen and see if they want to sign it at the time. They may say "no thank you we are JW" or "no thank you, we already gave a card" or "Oh god thanks, I kept meaning to reply. Can I give you money now" in which case you can graciously decline but encourage them to sign the card.

But you really are never going to make everyone happy.

(as for exlcusion, I agree. Palease. You've given the family opportunity to join in and do you really think the coach is going to hold it against the child???)

Why did you go around telling everyone they hadn't paid?
Clymene · 16/12/2020 15:32

That's hilarious @Elfieishere Hmm

"Unicef said that before the pandemic struck, an estimated 2.4 million UK children were already growing up in food-insecure. In Southwark, there are 15,000 children who are vulnerable to food poverty."

GrinGrinGrinGrin

Nothing funnier than hungry kids is there?

www.standard.co.uk/news/foodforlondon/unicef-feed-uk-children-first-time-b336596.html

ancientgran · 16/12/2020 15:32

I was feeling quite good when I opened this. It has been a horrible year but just been chatting to boss and making decisions about Christmas bonuses for staff, sorting out cards and messages to express his appreciation for all they have done this year and how glad he is that no one has lost their job and then I read this. Certainly burst my bubble.

TrialOfStyle · 16/12/2020 15:32

If you're heating your home for £10 a week then I need tips. Mine costs at least double that 😂

Oh, it's easy. Put £10 in your meter, run out and have to wait for the next pay cycle. I grew up like that so have plenty of experience of it. I'm thrilled you think having only £10 to spend on heating is hilarious though.

SheldonesqueIsUnwell · 16/12/2020 15:33

No feedy da goady muppets

LadyLinnaeus · 16/12/2020 15:33

What if the coach doesn’t notice that a name has been left off, OP?
What is your cunning plan for drawing it to their attention? Name and shame? Sent to Coventry? Left off the What’s App group? Don’t leave us in suspense, we need to know how far you are willing to take this...

myhobbyisouting · 16/12/2020 15:33

"Nah, she didn't want to put 'the team' because she wanted her DD's name clearly first - thus reminding the coach who it's actually from."

Yep. Embarrassing

Chloemol · 16/12/2020 15:33

Yes put the name on

Crankley · 16/12/2020 15:34

What a total waste of everybody's time. Don't ask and then argue with those who take the time and effort to reply, especially as they are in the majority.

Do as you like - why not put in the card in big black letters not from Mary Smith'? FFS.

If you want to be mean spirited and leave her name off, go right ahead.

RantyAnty · 16/12/2020 15:35

OP clearly has far too much time on her hands to be making such a huge deal over this. She said those parents are active there but she made zero effort to get to know them.
People like her need to be ignored and shunned.

Bonsai49 · 16/12/2020 15:35

I wouldn’t add the name of someone who didn’t contribute - they might have religious reasons for not contributing . I would go for ‘from the team , reserves and coaches ‘ .

ancientgran · 16/12/2020 15:36

Oh, it's easy. Put £10 in your meter, run out and have to wait for the next pay cycle. I grew up like that so have plenty of experience of it. I'm thrilled you think having only £10 to spend on heating is hilarious though. I still remember my granny saving her shillings for the gas meter. She saved it in a little pot and I have it sitting on my fireplace, as I sit her warm and well fed I don't want to forget what life is like for some through no fault of their own.

xmasnc2020 · 16/12/2020 15:36

I don't think it really matters OP. I can almost guarantee nobody else is arsed except you.

Bunnybigears · 16/12/2020 15:36

I do a card from the football team to their coach, I never do individual names just "from everybody at X team" that way no one is left out, some people just can't afford to contribute, some parents are just chaotic and can't get things done on time.

Scottishskifun · 16/12/2020 15:38

You don't know personal circumstances and tbh it's not really any of your business either.

Especially in the current climate I would say don't be petty and don't single out a child.