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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave one girls name off the team card?

533 replies

GinAtMerlottes · 16/12/2020 14:33

DD (10) joined a sports team in September. There is 9 of them in the team and two or three who train with them but aren’t in the official team.
The coach is a volunteer and she puts in so so much effort with the girls and is just so lovely. The team in this iteration is new and this is her first year coaching also.

I sent a message to all the other parents to see if they wanted to contribute to a joint gift. Quite a few did so I set up a PayPal pool and set the amount for £10. In the end everyone contributed, and the training kids put in £5 and we got 100 odd quid. Bought some vouchers and am going to give them along with a card and wine tonight.

One set of parents didn’t respond at all to any messages about the present and didn’t mention it to me at training either. No problem at all but it does mean every others kids name is on the card but not theirs. They are very involved with the team and the sport so no doubt they’ve done their own thing or whatever but WIBU to leave this girls name off?

I also arrange the teacher collection at school and don’t set an amount for that and have just written “from class” in the cards regardless of who has actually contributed. But this is a sports team they elect to join so feels a bit different.

Small issue but preoccupying me this morning. I try and be very inclusive etc in everything and doesn’t sit well to leave off one name.

OP posts:
PeteWicksSexyPirate · 16/12/2020 17:40

Well obviously so which is it? Nice things don’t have to equal lots of £ or you can’t get anything decent with £1 contributions? 😂
Baring in mind that £1x 9 parents plus other coaches and staff would probably be the best part of £15 which would cover wine, chocs and flowers if spent wisely!

ilovesooty · 16/12/2020 17:43

@PeteWicksSexyPirate

Well obviously so which is it? Nice things don’t have to equal lots of £ or you can’t get anything decent with £1 contributions? 😂 Baring in mind that £1x 9 parents plus other coaches and staff would probably be the best part of £15 which would cover wine, chocs and flowers if spent wisely!
Absolutely possible to get a worthwhile gift for that money.
MillieVanilla · 16/12/2020 17:45

No personally I wouldn't, I would however collar in the car park on the way in and ask for a contribution even of a small amount.
I hate when people go to effort and everyone else chips in, it's not like you asked for £10 each and then there is one who expects to ignore and get a mention.
Not your problem if it causes an issue and I'm sure for those asking about money issues the child wouldn't be taking part if money was an issue.

Sunflowers23 · 16/12/2020 17:45

Wow this seem a tad bit cruel singling out one child....not including her name on the card.

This years has been difficult for many parents financially .
Many people losing there jobs and having to take reduction in pay.

Also £10 seems a bit steep to be honest.
With Christmas a round the corner.
From Collections for teachers to the cat next door going on this time of the year.
It can be overwhelming.!

Personally I think you should of asked Parents if they wanted to chip in to a collection, donating whatever amount you want.e.g £2.00 or more etc

After it's only a token present to say
thank you. A bottle of wine and box of chocolates would suffice.

gottakeeponmovin · 16/12/2020 17:46

At my school the kids who contributed write their name in the card if you don't continue you don't write your name. Simple. I would not write everyone's name down and leave one off though because that does look petty but it's different when the kids are asked to do it

pringlebells · 16/12/2020 17:46

It's for the team, why would you deliberately leave a child out due to her parents choices. You also don't know their circumstances. Quite cruel.

Wheresmykimchi · 16/12/2020 17:47

@MillieVanilla

No personally I wouldn't, I would however collar in the car park on the way in and ask for a contribution even of a small amount. I hate when people go to effort and everyone else chips in, it's not like you asked for £10 each and then there is one who expects to ignore and get a mention. Not your problem if it causes an issue and I'm sure for those asking about money issues the child wouldn't be taking part if money was an issue.
I can't believe anytone in real life does this.

We don't know the mother wants to ignore and get a mention.

It is your problem if if causes an issue as it's you who collared her. Are people really this entitled ?

As for your bit about the child wouldn't be taking part of money was an issue. What an absolutely ridiculous statement.

Divebar · 16/12/2020 17:48

I hate when people go to effort and everyone else chips in, it's not like you asked for £10 each

What? I’m confused. She did ask for £10 and you don’t know the parents “ expected” to be included. We don’t know their views because the OP hasn’t t spoken to them.

Alethiometrical · 16/12/2020 17:48

WIBU to leave this girls name off?

Yes. But you've done it now. £10 is quite a lot of money for a group gift when a box of chocolates would have been enough. Or a card signed by ALL the girls on the team, with their personal messages (those are the class cards I keep).

You've been the Head Prefect. You actually confirm what I've thought about so-called 'team' sports for some time.

Have a think about what 'team' means - when playing it means supporting each other, even when someone makes a mistake - there are others there to pick things up.

What are you teaching your daughter otherwise?

Wheresmykimchi · 16/12/2020 17:51

@Divebar

I hate when people go to effort and everyone else chips in, it's not like you asked for £10 each

What? I’m confused. She did ask for £10 and you don’t know the parents “ expected” to be included. We don’t know their views because the OP hasn’t t spoken to them.

She did ask for ten pound each. I assume the PP means that if the person didn't magically produce ten pound , that is an ignore and OP should ride rough shod and out everyone's names but theirs.
Beautifulbonnie · 16/12/2020 17:51

@MillieVanilla

You’d collar someone in the car park and DEMAND the put some money in?

Ha. Bet your a laugh a min at school.

Meowchickameowmeow · 16/12/2020 17:51

@MillieVanilla

No personally I wouldn't, I would however collar in the car park on the way in and ask for a contribution even of a small amount. I hate when people go to effort and everyone else chips in, it's not like you asked for £10 each and then there is one who expects to ignore and get a mention. Not your problem if it causes an issue and I'm sure for those asking about money issues the child wouldn't be taking part if money was an issue.
You'd get short shrift of most people for 'collaring' them and demanding money. Cheeky cow.
Tiquismiquis · 16/12/2020 17:52

I think you were totally unreasonable to specify £10 and you were totally unreasonable to think about excluding one child. Glad you signed it from everyone in the end.

LittleMissLockdown · 16/12/2020 17:54

Glad you signed it from everyone in the end.

That would have been a lovely ending to the thread but sadly it's not what happened.

DioneTheDiabolist · 16/12/2020 17:56

And to confirm, I’ve just done the card and I’ve written all the names of the people who contributed.
Good way to put the coach, the child whose parents didn't contribute and your DD in an awkward place and make yourself look like a dick in the process OP. Merry Christmas Grinch @GinAtMerlottes.Xmas Biscuit

unmarkedbythat · 16/12/2020 17:58

@Elfieishere

I'm a little confused as to why you think my being nice or not is at all relevant to my opinion of your parenting priorities, but I'll make it clear to help you out- I don't need to be nice, or seen as nice, or to live in fear of other people's opinions of me. Someone who would genuinely prioritise public contribution to a group gift over buying essentials is someone ruled by that fear. I would pity you if our paths crossed in real life. I hope one day you are able to move past the issues you have.

UntamedWisteria · 16/12/2020 18:00

Did you actually ask the parents of the other kid directly if they wanted to contribute?

Perhaps they just haven't looked at their messages? Some people don't, or they miss them.

If I saw them face to face I would have asked "Just checking you saw the message about ... " and if there was no opportunity to do that I would have phoned them.

Charmatt · 16/12/2020 18:00

In a few year's time, you won't care who's name was on the card. The child who was missed off will remember that forever!

It's not a big deal to you. For a child whose parent can't contribute or isn't organised enough to, she will go through this humiliation time and again and it will be something she carries through life.

Include her name

Wheresmykimchi · 16/12/2020 18:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wheresmykimchi · 16/12/2020 18:02

Feck sorry - wrong thread.

SunscreenCentral · 16/12/2020 18:05

Well now this is a nice thread, festive, brimful of seasonal tidings 🎄🙄

The gift is from the team, the child is part of the team. IMO it’s incredibly mean spirited to not include the single child whose parents for whatever reason have not contributed. Particularly because it’s just one child.

cologne4711 · 16/12/2020 18:06

Just write "from the team, the coaches and the parents".

Done. Without any nastiness.

You don't know why they didn't contribute - I would have thought that everyone knows we've had covid this year and therefore lots of people have lost their jobs and income. But I suppose there's always one who never reads/sees/hears any news!

UntamedWisteria · 16/12/2020 18:07

They’ve had ages to talk to me either in person or on WhatsApp if they minded and they obviously don’t.

Did you check they'd read the WhatsApp message OP? If not YABVU.

Elfieishere · 16/12/2020 18:07

[quote unmarkedbythat]@Elfieishere

I'm a little confused as to why you think my being nice or not is at all relevant to my opinion of your parenting priorities, but I'll make it clear to help you out- I don't need to be nice, or seen as nice, or to live in fear of other people's opinions of me. Someone who would genuinely prioritise public contribution to a group gift over buying essentials is someone ruled by that fear. I would pity you if our paths crossed in real life. I hope one day you are able to move past the issues you have.[/quote]
I have money and don’t need to pick between the two. Calm down with your over analysing. 😂

Wheresmykimchi · 16/12/2020 18:09

@Elfieishere

Good for you.