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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave one girls name off the team card?

533 replies

GinAtMerlottes · 16/12/2020 14:33

DD (10) joined a sports team in September. There is 9 of them in the team and two or three who train with them but aren’t in the official team.
The coach is a volunteer and she puts in so so much effort with the girls and is just so lovely. The team in this iteration is new and this is her first year coaching also.

I sent a message to all the other parents to see if they wanted to contribute to a joint gift. Quite a few did so I set up a PayPal pool and set the amount for £10. In the end everyone contributed, and the training kids put in £5 and we got 100 odd quid. Bought some vouchers and am going to give them along with a card and wine tonight.

One set of parents didn’t respond at all to any messages about the present and didn’t mention it to me at training either. No problem at all but it does mean every others kids name is on the card but not theirs. They are very involved with the team and the sport so no doubt they’ve done their own thing or whatever but WIBU to leave this girls name off?

I also arrange the teacher collection at school and don’t set an amount for that and have just written “from class” in the cards regardless of who has actually contributed. But this is a sports team they elect to join so feels a bit different.

Small issue but preoccupying me this morning. I try and be very inclusive etc in everything and doesn’t sit well to leave off one name.

OP posts:
Elfieishere · 16/12/2020 17:15

@WorraLiberty

Elfieishere

Yes I would 100% go without to not embarrass my child.

If you're worried about embarrassing your child, it's a good job they can't read your posts, especially the one that was deleted.

Didn’t even know one was deleted as I haven’t said anything wrong. I’d say everything to my children direct that if I didn’t contribute to a card then they couldn’t have their name on it. End off. Work hard and you will be able to afford nice things.
notanothertakeaway · 16/12/2020 17:15

@randomer

I know this is a mad 19th Century idea, but could you speak to the parents of the child who didn't contribute.....in a light hearted and pleasant way obviously. It would take seconds of your time.

And For Gods Dake don't leave the poor kid off the card.

@randomer

I wouldn't recommend that

If they forgot, they might be glad of the reminder. However, if they didn't donate because they couldn't afford to, they could be mortified. And if they didn't donate because they chose not to, that's okay. These collections are entirely voluntary and nobody should be pressured to donate

Wheresmykimchi · 16/12/2020 17:16

@Elfieishere I'm pretty sure you're one of few...

But if you love and care about your child so much you'd go without , why can't you understand how shit this is for that child?

Do you honestly believe the coach will think ah look at all those fabulous parents going without and sacrificing themselves for my gift? The pair of you are deluded.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 16/12/2020 17:16

I think Elfie is winding us up to watch us go.

PeteWicksSexyPirate · 16/12/2020 17:16

But for some parents donating the £10 would directly affect their child by not being able to complete the food shop or have the heating on. If you’re that hard up it’s not a choice between “oh I won’t have a bottle of wine Friday so my child can be in on the gift”
It’s a toss up between using your grocery/heating money which directly takes away from your child or donating so as not to “embarrass” them

Wheresmykimchi · 16/12/2020 17:17

@notanothertakeaway I agree with you in theory but OP has backed them into a corner by doing individual names .

Beautifulbonnie · 16/12/2020 17:18

The coach is going to think you’re an absolute arse

Just spoke to my brother who is a coach. He said this happens all the time when one mother think she’s holier than....

And @Elfieishere just had cheese in her twisted knickers. 😂.

PeteWicksSexyPirate · 16/12/2020 17:18

@Awwlookatmybabyspider

I think Elfie is winding us up to watch us go.
Yeah I don’t know why I’m bothering to engage now 😂
Divebar · 16/12/2020 17:19

Anytime someone does a collection and asks for a set amount they are being a dick. It might be £10 it might be £5. It’s completely unnecessary- people should be free to donate what they can afford ( or not donate). If you only collect enough for a box of chocolates so be it. Even if people contribute the set amount they think you’re a dick. I promise you. If you’re such a person... even if you go and ask your friends “ I’m not a dick am I for asking for £10 donation?” They will think you’re a dick or they are as dickish as you. Don’t make a nice gesture about you - people spot it a mile off.

Derbee · 16/12/2020 17:19

The coach will KNOW she’s an arse. There is always at least one mother like this in any group. Coaches/teachers etc know their type

trappedsincesundaymorn · 16/12/2020 17:19

Elfieishere

If that tenner meant you could keep the house warm for another week or not embarrass your child which you chose to spend it on?

ilovesooty · 16/12/2020 17:20

@TrialOfStyle

Iv also known people that don’t have spare money but they would still put in. It is only £10. It’s not a huge deal of money. Doing a collection at a £1 isn’t going to buy anything decent is it confused

You can't seriously be so out of touch that you don't realise £10 IS a lot to some people? Hmm

I agree. Are there really people saying "It's only a tenner" and saying you can't get "anything decent" for less than £100?

Breathtaking lack of awareness. Some people simply can't afford a £10 contribution especially at the moment.

unmarkedbythat · 16/12/2020 17:20

Yes I do.

I said I would go without. Not my child.

I would be very concerned by a parent who prioritised paying into a collection for a voluntary coaches' present over meeting their own essential needs.

Thesearmsofmine · 16/12/2020 17:22

Urghhh just put her name in the card. The gift is to show you appreciate what the coach does for the team and this girl is part of that team.

Setting an amount to donate is awful too, people should be free to donate what they wish. It would be mortifying to have to admit you cannot afford it to someone you hardly know and sounds they have decided to bury their head in the sand instead.

WorraLiberty · 16/12/2020 17:22

Awwlookatmybabyspider I agree. I thought it was just lack of intelligence but now I'm not so sure.

Wheresmykimchi · 16/12/2020 17:22

@Elfieishere just seen your post about work hard and have nice things. Nothing I can say that won't get me banned so Biscuit

lyralalala · 16/12/2020 17:22

Work hard and you will be able to afford nice things.

Yeah, all those lazy slackers in the airline, tourist, hospitality and arts sectors only have themselves to blame... Not to mention the sick and disabled. All their own faults that they couldn't afford £10 for a coaches christmas collection.

You are either clueless or a complete goady fucker. Or both.

ilovesooty · 16/12/2020 17:23

Work hard and you will be able to afford nice things

Did I really just read that?

Bytheseaside2016 · 16/12/2020 17:23

Exactly the same situation happened with a friend of mine whose a primary school teacher. The child who was left off the card was very upset about it and my friend felt incredibly guilty and uncomfortably and would have preferred not having received a gift at all.
Put her name on the card.

Beautifulbonnie · 16/12/2020 17:23

Didn’t even know one was deleted as I haven’t said anything wrong.
I’d say everything to my children direct that if I didn’t contribute to a card then they couldn’t have their name on it. End off.
Work hard and you will be able to afford nice things.

I’ll just tel that to my paraplegic brain damaged best friend. That’s because he doesn’t work hard. He can’t have nice things. I’ll tell him that when the drunk driver hit his car that killed his parents. That it’s his fault he can’t have nice things

I’ll tell my friends. Who’ve just lost their young daughter. To the same brain injury (we met them when he was having one of his multiple hospitalisations). That during their time when they stayed off work so they could spend their 9yr old child’s last years that they can’t have nice things. Because they didn’t work hard enough.

Elfieishere · 16/12/2020 17:23

@unmarkedbythat

Yes I do.

I said I would go without. Not my child.

I would be very concerned by a parent who prioritised paying into a collection for a voluntary coaches' present over meeting their own essential needs.

How nice of you.
Wheresmykimchi · 16/12/2020 17:23

@ilovesooty

Work hard and you will be able to afford nice things

Did I really just read that?

Indeed.
Henio · 16/12/2020 17:24

@Lsquiggles

Oh god, I dread my daughter starting school when there's parents like this taking their non-issues out on the children. Get a grip, at least you'll look great personally hanging it over to the teacher Hmm
Exactly what I was thinking, are people really this pathetic?
Wheresmykimchi · 16/12/2020 17:25

@Lsquiggles don't worry , it isn't the child who didn't contribute who looks bad here.

rottiemum88 · 16/12/2020 17:26

Maybe the parents who didn't contribute already had the measure of you and decided not to contribute towards a gift you were organising? Doesn't seem all that unlikely based on your posts 🤷🏼‍♀️