To leave one girls name off the team card?

[GinAtMerlottes]

DD (10) joined a sports team in September. There is 9 of them in the team and two or three who train with them but aren’t in the official team.
The coach is a volunteer and she puts in so so much effort with the girls and is just so lovely. The team in this iteration is new and this is her first year coaching also.

I sent a message to all the other parents to see if they wanted to contribute to a joint gift. Quite a few did so I set up a PayPal pool and set the amount for £10. In the end everyone contributed, and the training kids put in £5 and we got 100 odd quid. Bought some vouchers and am going to give them along with a card and wine tonight.

One set of parents didn’t respond at all to any messages about the present and didn’t mention it to me at training either. No problem at all but it does mean every others kids name is on the card but not theirs. They are very involved with the team and the sport so no doubt they’ve done their own thing or whatever but WIBU to leave this girls name off?

I also arrange the teacher collection at school and don’t set an amount for that and have just written “from class” in the cards regardless of who has actually contributed. But this is a sports team they elect to join so feels a bit different.

Small issue but preoccupying me this morning. I try and be very inclusive etc in everything and doesn’t sit well to leave off one name.

Oh that's annoying.

OP , ask her. Ask her why she hasn't and if she wants to.

For what it's worth though you sound very smug and a bit obvlicious to the many factors which might have stopped her apart form being a Jehovah's Witness

And fwiw , from the team will do. Individual names is ridiculous.

I try and be very inclusive etc in everything

You try to be inclusive in all things but the one time the train spectacularly leaves the tracks, it's over a ten year old's PARENTS' failure to contribute towards a prezzie?

Right you are.

Anyway, glad common sense prevailed.

[quote PeteWicksSexyPirate]@Elfieishere

Your posts are so offensive.
Just because you personally can afford a tenner and the people in your circle can (people do usually move in the same circles) you think that means people who can’t don’t exist or that they don’t work hard?
Plenty of parents in work on UC
Lots of families now living on one income due to covid
Parents to disabled children or caring for elderly relatives relying on carers allowance
Add to that it’s the most expensive time of the year for a lot of families.
If you don’t even know what’s going on in your own country that doesn’t affect you then you leave yourself open to making some profoundly stupid comments on Internet forums.
You sound heartless to say the least.[/quote]
Yes, totally heartless because I think someone’s name shouldn’t be on a card if they didn’t contribute.

I know parents on UC and I also know people with only one income. I have a disabled child myself so you can bore of with that comment as I still wouldn’t embarrass him by not contributing.

the question shouldn't have been asked to MN - it should have been asked to the EQUAL participants

So not only does this girls family not contribute but then the parents of the whole team get consulted on what to do about including her or not? Poor girl. I'm almost tempted to send a tenner on her behalf.

You obviously don’t want to put her name on the card because her parents didn’t chip in.
Just get over yourself!!!

@WorraLiberty
I''m sure the other parents who stuck a tenner in wouldn't give a shit, even if they did know one child's parents didn't contribute.
In fact, they shouldn't know but I have a feeling the OP will make sure everyone including the coach does.

You talk about overthinking, but you are underthinking- you have assumed why the parents haven't responded or paid and you have blocked your mind off to anything else.
But no one really knows the reason why the parents didn't contribute.
The assumption is that they couldn't afford to, but what if they could and they are just happy for others to pay.
I know plenty of people like that and it is annoying.

Please don't get me wrong, I would have included the Childs name- or rather I would have just used a generic collective name to included everyone, I just think its unfair to hammer the OP solely when there are others who could have helped to communicate the situation.

I still wouldn’t embarrass him by not contributing.

You seem to find this difficult to understand but some people do not have any spare money. If that £10 meant you had to forgo an essential, would you still contribute? Would you prioritise how you looked to people over meeting your child's immediate needs? I doubt it.

@unmarkedbythat

I still wouldn’t embarrass him by not contributing.

You seem to find this difficult to understand but some people do not have any spare money. If that £10 meant you had to forgo an essential, would you still contribute? Would you prioritise how you looked to people over meeting your child's immediate needs? I doubt it.

Yes I would 100% go without to not embarrass my child.

I’ve just done the card and I’ve written all the names of the people who contributed. Have you thought how the recipient will feel? I know that I would have much preferred a card from everyone in my group (or present but it is the thought no the "thing" that counts) my colleague would have felt the same.

@Elfieishere

Leave the name off.

The gift isn’t from her so why should her name be on it. If her parents wanted to be included then they would of gave money.

They didn’t.

It must be nice in your world.

Yes I would 100% go without to not embarrass my child.

Do you realise the meaning of essential?

You'd let your child go hungry or cold instead?

You clearly haven't a clue what it's like to not have a spare £10.

@GinAtMerlottes

honestly this place is incredible. It never changes. You’re all winding each other up now and the outrage and horror and people being devastated and terrified for my children and so so thankful they don’t know me has started, so I’ll leave you to it.

And to confirm, I’ve just done the card and I’ve written all the names of the people who contributed.

Still time to do a Christmas name change OP. Do you want suggestions?

@Elfieishere in order to go without to not embarass your child , you're assuming you have the spare tenner to go without in the first place.

Clearly the OP had already written the names of the children who did contribute in the card, before she started this thread.

So suggestions of ‘from the team’ were never going to work.

As such, it did come down to whether she should include the non-contributor’s name, or not.

Odd to start a thread about something you’d clearly already made your mind up about - so I can only assume the OP thought she was going to be validated in her decision.

Awkward.

@lyralalala

Yes I would 100% go without to not embarrass my child.

Do you realise the meaning of essential?

You'd let your child go hungry or cold instead?

You clearly haven't a clue what it's like to not have a spare £10.

Yes I do.

I said I would go without. Not my child.

So not only does this girls family not contribute but then the parents of the whole team get consulted on what to do about including her or not? Poor girl. I'm almost tempted to send a tenner on her behalf.

Actually that was my point - OP either sucks it up and includes the girl or just goes whole hog, allows everyone who has contributed to decide and 'out' the poor girl to the group. I mean she could even be anonymous about it "one of the group hasn't contributed - should I include their name on the card?". But she won't do that - and the question to the OP is why.

I think we (and the OP) know the answer as to why she doesn't want them to know, though (and it isn't to protect the girl).

[quote Wheresmykimchi]@Elfieishere in order to go without to not embarass your child , you're assuming you have the spare tenner to go without in the first place.[/quote]
Well in this made up world I would just keep a tenner back of my UC money so I would clearly have money coming in.

@GinAtMerlottes

I don’t care about being “good” just wondering what the Mumsnet massive thought.

I suspect this is one of those AIBU where the OP takes offence very easily. I don't think you can or should noticeably exclude one child.

Great. So you came here , asked for advice and did the opposite. I'm afraid to tell you the coach will no doubt think the same we do. That poor girl.

@Wheresmykimchi My world is pretty decent.

@Wheresmykimchi

Great. So you came here , asked for advice and did the opposite. I'm afraid to tell you the coach will no doubt think the same we do. That poor girl.

Not if the couch is like me or anyone on here that didn’t agree.

Yes I do.

I said I would go without. Not my child.

People who don't have spare money can't just go without without it impacting the child. You'd be choosing to forgoe food or heat or something essential which would impact your child.

You don't have a clue.

Elfieishere

Yes I would 100% go without to not embarrass my child.

If you're worried about embarrassing your child, it's a good job they can't read your posts, especially the one that was deleted.

@lyralalala

Yes I do.

I said I would go without. Not my child.

People who don't have spare money can't just go without without it impacting the child. You'd be choosing to forgoe food or heat or something essential which would impact your child.

You don't have a clue.

If I went without food but fed my child then how does that affect them? I would be the one hungry not them.

Elfieishere - are you the OP, perchance? Only you seem to have taken over the responses... and they are just as goady...