Manipulative DM cancels Christmas to throw herself a pity party - help!!

[girasol]

Aaaargh, what do I do?
I’m sorry for the length of the below, it's probably not an AIBU as I really don't think I am being unreasonable but anyway...

We had planned to see my parents (mid 70s, both have had major health problems in the past but are basically ok at the moment) at Christmas.
Hubby and I have been very careful throughout the pandemic – no eating in cafes/restaurants, no mixing indoors with anyone, both lucky to be able to work from home. Biggest risk has been from our kids (7 and 5) going to school.

My parents have gone the other way, acting like there is no pandemic, largely ignoring the restrictions (“I’m not having the government tell me what to do!” etc) – they eat out, go to the supermarket, my mum gets her nails done. This has continued even if they went into tier 3 after the lockdown (they live right on a T3/T2 boundary and to be fair to them the rates where they live are actually relatively low).

Back in the summer we booked a outdoor lights trail at a stately home between us for Xmas eve, then about 6 weeks ago we said we’d also be happy for the kids to stay over with them for one night on the basis that the risk of young kids spreading Covid seems to be much lower (albeit there is obviously still a risk) – hubby and I would not stay or be inside with them though. I’ve kept saying to them that they should avoid making concrete plans or getting their hopes up about it as we might not be able to go ahead with the plan – kids might need to isolate etc.

Now with rates escalating everywhere, multiple cases in our kids’ school (for the first time – son’s class has just finished a stint of isolation and at one point last week more than half the school was off), and us now bordering some T3 places I felt increasingly uncomfortable with the idea of letting the kids stay. My parents will hopefully be vaccinated within the next 1-2 months, and the kids won’t have been isolating because they’ll have been at school - it just felt like a risk that’s not worth taking.

I called my parents to tell them that we’re still v happy to go ahead with the lights trail but we’d like to postpone the sleepover bit (for the reasons given above). My mum responded by throwing her toys out of the pram and saying that if that’s how we feel, we should probably cancel the whole thing (ie the lights trail too). I reiterated we were very keen to go ahead with that bit and said we’d be happy to meet them for another day over the Christmas period and go somewhere else outdoors (I suggested a woods we’ve visited which is about halfway between us), so they would still get to spend the time with the kids, but she made it clear she wasn’t interested in this.

The difficulty is she has always been the queen of cutting off her nose to spite her face but it has got much worse in the last few year. She would genuinely rather cancel everything out of spite and spend the next month wallowing in self-pity, even if that means effectively punishing our children who won’t be able to see them at all.

After the initial call, hubby talked me into suggesting that we push back the sleepover until the end of the school holiday (probably new years day) – it would mean breaking the rules (no mixing of households by then, plus we’re not meant to travel to T3, which I wouldn’t be happy about), but obviously the risks would be much lower as we would have largely been isolating as a family for a good 10 days by then.

I called my parents again and spoke to my dad who said my mum was ‘very very upset’ by us postponing the sleepover, and that she now planned to try to arrange a minor surgical procedure on her knee for the day the kids were due to stay over with them (ie the day I’d suggested we now go to the woods) which would likely mean she couldn’t do the lights trail the next day either. We suggested the new year’s sleepover plan – my dad relayed this to my mum, but my mum said “Well they’ll only change their minds again so what’s the point?” and “We might be doing something else then, it’s too far ahead to plan” and “Well, we might give the children Covid, mightn’t we?!” – basically full of excuses. Because now she’s psyched herself up for a nice long pity party, she doesn’t want it to be snatched away from her, right?! Even if we were now willing to back down completely and go ahead with the original sleepover plan (which I am not willing to do), I think she would actually refuse.

I completely get that she is disappointed and upset, but she has zero interest in even trying to understand our point of view in all this which on any analysis is not unreasonable (again, this has become a recurring theme with her – she treats my views on many things with utter contempt).

I don’t know what to do now – the ball is in her court but knowing her I think it’s unlikely she will change her mind having slept on it – she is extremely stubborn and bloody minded. I would just leave her to it if it weren’t for the kids missing out.

Does anyone have any suggestions or any experience of dealing with this kind of behaviour please? Hubby thinks I just need to wait to hear back from her and if she still wants to cancel everything (which is very likely) we just say to her that we’re very disappointed, in particular for the children, and that we will have no choice but to tell them that their grandmother doesn’t want to see them over Christmas. That might be where we end up but I think that would shut the door on any chance of her agreeing to meet at all, so part of me is tempted to panda to her behaviour, objectionable though it is, just to try to salvage something for the kids.

Sorry this has been so long.

Oh what a shame, I’ll send you photos/videos. Kids are utterly excited and looking forward to it. See you when we can. Stay safe mmmmmmmwhah!

Posted whilst quaffing wine, eating food of choice with music/film in the background with smile on face

17:48VinylDetective

As strange as it may seem, I do change my children's plans without asking other adults' permission, especially during a global pandemic.

my position would be ‘we are not comfortable with kids staying over, we will still go to lights it up to you if you come or not, once things are better Covid wise we can plan a sleep over then’

This.
I'd be like "we're going to be doing the lights trail still, obviously we'd love you to still come but it's up to you."
Then leave her to decide what she wants to do, but we'd still be going ahead.

Girasol, it’s pretty clear that your mum really doesn’t understand about viral transmission, infection control, and so on. And even more worrying is that she simply rejects whatever aspects she doesn’t agree with.

She also hasn’t grasped that you are the one who decides what happens with your DC not her. If she wants to go into a huff, simply let her go ahead with a bland acknowledgment of her message. Don’t enter into a discussion and let her get on with it. Will she actually be physically fit 10 days after her knee op? I’d see how she recovers before confirming the sleepover will go ahead.

Have a happy time with your family.

@Duanphen

My sympathies. My mother is also having a whinge that we don't really want her coming over at Christmas. She hasn't seen us once since March, declining all invitations for walks or trips to the park, won't call, won't set up a video call, nothing. But give her one day she thinks she can snarf our cooking and suddenly it's all about seeing the family.

These older folk complain about being 'infantilised' forgetting that frankly I have a busy January coming up and I don't plan on their rasping demises featuring in my calendar. It might well be their right to go out and mingle and suck up some tasty Covid from somewhere, but they certainly don't have the right to do it in my living room.

She is awful.

Surely you're much happier without her Christmas cheer.

I really would keep it all neutral and not enter into her emotional blackmail / sarcasm etc
A simply reply of “ok. Good luck with the knee procedure. I’ll call afterwards to see how you are”.
Take the heat out of the situation. It takes two to argue/row/disagree. Just don’t engage further but just show support for her knee situation.

She’ll get over it.

@Aprilx

I kind of agree with your mother. You are trying to make out she is flouting the rules but nothing you have said suggests that. She is allowed to go to the supermarket, eat out and when the salons reopened she is allowed to get her nails done too. You on the other hand have put yourself under more restrictions than needed, which you are free to do, but that does not mean you can criticise people that choose to live within the rules.

Changing the Christmas plans at the last minute is understandably upsetting for her. She is an adult and they are the ones most at risk, they should be allowed to make their own risk decisions. You sound like hard work.

^^This.

Is this another of those situations where adult children are making decisions for their parents?

If you're worried for your children, then fair enough.

If you're doing this on your parents behalf, then I'm with your mother.

@VinylDetective

Let her stew. Just tell your kids that they can’t see their grandparents because of the risk and leave it there.

Having said that, as someone from her generation, it’s getting pretty tiresome having decisions about our risk taken by our adult children. A lot of us are getting pissed off with being infantilised. Our kids don’t do it and we really appreciate it but some of our friends are heartily sick of it.

Yeah, millennials are such dicks, trying to get their parents and children to survive a global pandemic

Saw your update OP. Your response shoukd be "Ok. Hope the op goes well"
End of.
Dont engage further

That really needs a 'sounds sensible, hope to catch up with you in the new year' type of response.

I read that the dm is in tier 3 and travelled to tier 2 for nails etc. Against the rules as I also read...

@VinylDetective

No, *@cookiecuttercreamandbutter*, she isn’t six. Which is quite possibly why she’s so pissed off with her daughter treating her as if she is.

You don’t just unilaterally change plans you’ve made with other adults without discussion. You suggest that it might be better to make other arrangements and discuss what those arrangements might be. I’m pretty sure nobody would dictate to their friends in this way. Why is this considered appropriate with your parents?

I don’t negotiate when I cancel plans with friends.

I’m an adult. I cancel them.

YANBU at all
Your mum is picking and choosing which bits of the rules she feels like following and seems to love creating drama in the hope that everyone will jump and rush around to appease her ever changing demands.

You have been more than reasonable with different options and she is being spiteful. You don't need to negotiate with your mum regarding your children.

If she'd rather book a medical procedure to add weight to her strop then so be it. Send good wishes for the procedure and reiterate that you hope to see them soon.

@girasol

Thanks for all the responses (especially the supportive ones!). By way of an update, my mum texted me this evening to say that as the kids aren't coming to stay on the 23rd as planned she has now booked the minor knee procedure. She says to thank my hubby for the suggestion that the kids stay with them for a night at the end of the holiday "but as I imagine that would be 2 January it's not that long after they were due to come anyway". [this bit doesn't make sense - I think she's perhaps trying to say what difference would it make to postpone by a week or so - but we had already explained that it would mean we could all isolate for 10 days before, rather than the kids seeing them only a few days after they'd been in a Covid-infested school]. She then goes on to say that Tripadvisor contains lots of reports of people who've been on the lights trail saying that it's not Covid-safe (though outdoors, people not distancing and not wearing masks) so we should reconsider whether we go. She is being sarcastic here (I had a comment like this back in the summer which at the time I took at face value as genuine concern for us, but then it became clear that she was taking the piss out of hubby and me for being cautious).

She then says "Dad and I will be safer staying at home." Here, she is being entirely disingenuous - she is either again being sarcastic or, possibly, as part of her huge pity party she will now make a point of staying at home for the next few weeks pretending it is out of concern for her safety when that's not what she believes at all.
She concludes by saying she has arranged a courier to deliver the children's Christmas presents.

Let.her.get.on.with.it. don't engage, just say ok happy Christmas and make your own plans.

Honestly you will never get any peace if you keep trying to compromise with impossible people.

nannyogg

She's made it quite clear that she doesn't want her children to have the responsibility of knowing they gave their grandparents Covid. That's different from trying to stop her parents getting Covid-she can't dictate where they goes and has already said she hasn't commented.

The GPs generation are the ones who will be more likely to need resources and overwhelm the NHS if they get ill. I don't know why they think they have a right to demand access to people who might make them ill, if those people don't want the responsibility of potentially exposing someone vulnerable and would quite like some space in a and e for people other than the elderly with Covid. It seems very spoilt.

There's a difference between saying "I don't think you should get your nails done" and "I won't visit until I'm personally satisfied I'm not going to infect anyone".

It's interesting that the "don't want to be infantilised" brigade are also the ones endorsing adults having huffs and tantrums at not getting the exact Christmas they want laid on a plate for them

@allycat4

It's interesting that the "don't want to be infantilised" brigade are also the ones endorsing adults having huffs and tantrums at not getting the exact Christmas they want laid on a plate for them

Well said.

Behave like a toddler >>> get treated like a cage.

It's interesting that the "don't want to be infantilised" brigade are also the ones endorsing adults having huffs and tantrums at not getting the exact Christmas they want laid on a plate for them.

I noticed that too. Grandchildren's feelings are also ignored by those posters (whether it be how they'd feel if GPs became ill or what it would mean to them to at least see Granny outside).

@allycat4

It's interesting that the "don't want to be infantilised" brigade are also the ones endorsing adults having huffs and tantrums at not getting the exact Christmas they want laid on a plate for them

Where did you get that from exactly? There isn’t a “brigade”. There’s a group of people who have successfully assessed risks for themselves for decades and resent the children (for whom they also assessed risk when they were too young to do it themselves) ordering them about. This is a generation that witters on endlessly about boundaries yet fails to respect other people’s.

Nobody who sees OP’s mum’s point of view has endorsed tantrums. I personally think she’s played a blinder having her surgery two days before Christmas. She’s reclaimed her power. Good for her.

You have made a choice to keep everyone as well as can be and offered an alternative that potentially would be at your own detriment, but would have hopefully placated your mother - who obviously wants you to dance a merry jig.

I’m going to be very vague with my story:

I know someone who, at the start of lockdown #1 was all ‘no visitors’ which very quickly changed to ‘several different visitors ok, use hand gel and keep a distance’ - except when they merrily and verily decided it was ok to do childcare for multiple children well before childcare bubbles were a thing. A lot has gone in the last 9 months and they’re, I paraphrase, despite all that, done with not being able to see who they want.

They have very recently had contact with someone who has had a positive result, and now all Christmas plans have been scuppered while the households isolate unless they still have visitors while they’re supposed to be isolating/getting past the positive test quarantine

Apparently any current stress and upset is not due to the positive result, but on other factors and we should all be understanding and show our support!!

This is what can happen when someone doesn’t follow the rules.

We now (due to the above) can’t see them at all because my bubble can’t risk a positive test before I go back to work in the New Year.

Take it all at face value, don't get drawn in.

Take the wind out of her sails.

I'd reply "Yes you're probably right, it is safer. Hope the surgery goes well, lots of love and speak soon x"

What a fuss from both parties.