Manipulative DM cancels Christmas to throw herself a pity party - help!!

[girasol]

Aaaargh, what do I do?
I’m sorry for the length of the below, it's probably not an AIBU as I really don't think I am being unreasonable but anyway...

We had planned to see my parents (mid 70s, both have had major health problems in the past but are basically ok at the moment) at Christmas.
Hubby and I have been very careful throughout the pandemic – no eating in cafes/restaurants, no mixing indoors with anyone, both lucky to be able to work from home. Biggest risk has been from our kids (7 and 5) going to school.

My parents have gone the other way, acting like there is no pandemic, largely ignoring the restrictions (“I’m not having the government tell me what to do!” etc) – they eat out, go to the supermarket, my mum gets her nails done. This has continued even if they went into tier 3 after the lockdown (they live right on a T3/T2 boundary and to be fair to them the rates where they live are actually relatively low).

Back in the summer we booked a outdoor lights trail at a stately home between us for Xmas eve, then about 6 weeks ago we said we’d also be happy for the kids to stay over with them for one night on the basis that the risk of young kids spreading Covid seems to be much lower (albeit there is obviously still a risk) – hubby and I would not stay or be inside with them though. I’ve kept saying to them that they should avoid making concrete plans or getting their hopes up about it as we might not be able to go ahead with the plan – kids might need to isolate etc.

Now with rates escalating everywhere, multiple cases in our kids’ school (for the first time – son’s class has just finished a stint of isolation and at one point last week more than half the school was off), and us now bordering some T3 places I felt increasingly uncomfortable with the idea of letting the kids stay. My parents will hopefully be vaccinated within the next 1-2 months, and the kids won’t have been isolating because they’ll have been at school - it just felt like a risk that’s not worth taking.

I called my parents to tell them that we’re still v happy to go ahead with the lights trail but we’d like to postpone the sleepover bit (for the reasons given above). My mum responded by throwing her toys out of the pram and saying that if that’s how we feel, we should probably cancel the whole thing (ie the lights trail too). I reiterated we were very keen to go ahead with that bit and said we’d be happy to meet them for another day over the Christmas period and go somewhere else outdoors (I suggested a woods we’ve visited which is about halfway between us), so they would still get to spend the time with the kids, but she made it clear she wasn’t interested in this.

The difficulty is she has always been the queen of cutting off her nose to spite her face but it has got much worse in the last few year. She would genuinely rather cancel everything out of spite and spend the next month wallowing in self-pity, even if that means effectively punishing our children who won’t be able to see them at all.

After the initial call, hubby talked me into suggesting that we push back the sleepover until the end of the school holiday (probably new years day) – it would mean breaking the rules (no mixing of households by then, plus we’re not meant to travel to T3, which I wouldn’t be happy about), but obviously the risks would be much lower as we would have largely been isolating as a family for a good 10 days by then.

I called my parents again and spoke to my dad who said my mum was ‘very very upset’ by us postponing the sleepover, and that she now planned to try to arrange a minor surgical procedure on her knee for the day the kids were due to stay over with them (ie the day I’d suggested we now go to the woods) which would likely mean she couldn’t do the lights trail the next day either. We suggested the new year’s sleepover plan – my dad relayed this to my mum, but my mum said “Well they’ll only change their minds again so what’s the point?” and “We might be doing something else then, it’s too far ahead to plan” and “Well, we might give the children Covid, mightn’t we?!” – basically full of excuses. Because now she’s psyched herself up for a nice long pity party, she doesn’t want it to be snatched away from her, right?! Even if we were now willing to back down completely and go ahead with the original sleepover plan (which I am not willing to do), I think she would actually refuse.

I completely get that she is disappointed and upset, but she has zero interest in even trying to understand our point of view in all this which on any analysis is not unreasonable (again, this has become a recurring theme with her – she treats my views on many things with utter contempt).

I don’t know what to do now – the ball is in her court but knowing her I think it’s unlikely she will change her mind having slept on it – she is extremely stubborn and bloody minded. I would just leave her to it if it weren’t for the kids missing out.

Does anyone have any suggestions or any experience of dealing with this kind of behaviour please? Hubby thinks I just need to wait to hear back from her and if she still wants to cancel everything (which is very likely) we just say to her that we’re very disappointed, in particular for the children, and that we will have no choice but to tell them that their grandmother doesn’t want to see them over Christmas. That might be where we end up but I think that would shut the door on any chance of her agreeing to meet at all, so part of me is tempted to panda to her behaviour, objectionable though it is, just to try to salvage something for the kids.

Sorry this has been so long.

Crikey!

How old is your mother ? 9?

She is behaving like a split child.

I would stick to your guns - but please don't tell your children that their grannie doesn't want toes the. Tell them it's because of covid, and having to have an operation on her knee. Don't risk hurting them.

Are you and your DH still able to go on the light trip with your DCs? (ir, have you got the tickets or have your parents got them?) If so, take the children. Make it as magical as you can - take lots of photos and a little video "wish you could have come with us, Grannie. Hope your knee is better soon" Really rub it in Let her see that she has spoilt things for herself by her silly hissy fit.

Don't let her foolishness spoil your Christmas - and especially not your DCs Christmas.

People who are saying 'it's my risk' are just incredibly selfish.

People in older, and more vulnerable groups might decide they want to 'take the risk' and mix with children (and family) who've been in schools etc. but how is that fair if they catch COVID and end up in hospital? How is that fair on the NHS staff, and others who's treatment is delayed because hospitals are over run because someone decided to 'take the risk' and have sleepovers? How is that fair on the family who were anxious about taking such a risk who now have to live with worry about their loved ones in hospital?

*spolit child, not split

Honestly! What am I like?

did you mean your kids are high risk-if so theyre already mixing at achool your parents are highly unlikely to give them anthing

OK, @girasol, based on my experience of manipulative family members, what you need to do for yourself is remove the pall of uncertainty that your DM's love of drama has cast over you all. What I would do in your shoes is tell your parents that you will still definitely be going to, and enjoying, the lights trail and the woods, as planned. Tell them what time of day you will arrive at each and tell them that if they turn up too, you and the kids would be delighted to see them. But if they don't, that's fine, and you still intend to have a nice time with or without them. Don't wind up the kids by telling them in advance that their grandparents may or may not turn up - if they do then paint it as a lovely surprise. That way, you get to plan and enjoy a nice family Christmas whatever happens, and your mother is no longer able to yank your chain.

As regards the sleepover, yanbu to cancel it but yabu to reschedule for new year, firstly because pandering to your mother's tantrums is unlikely to stop them in future, and secondly because it's not legal. So I would say right now, before she has time to accept the proposition, that actually that idea is off the table after all. And don't let your DH talk you into things you're not happy with again. You're tying yourself in knots trying to do what everybody else says. Make your own perfectly valid choices and decisions in future and then just execute them without all this drama (which you've probably learned from your mother).

She’s a bitterly disappointed grandma who resents her adult child assessing her risk and unilaterally making decisions on her behalf instead of having an adult discussion with her and reaching mutual agreement

This with bells on.

Wow. She's behaving like a child. Treat her like one. Ignore the tantrum and engage only when she's apologised and behaving like an adult again. Not sure I would be happy with her being responsible for the kids either if that's how she responds to change.....

Let's hope this isn't the last Christmas your parents are here OP - something else that not many people who are risk averse on older relatives behalf seem to be taking into account.

Well, I think the OP is trying to help ensure that this isn't the last Christmas her parents will have, by keeping her children (who are in schools with a high positivity rate) from spending significant indoor time with two people of advanced age with significant health conditions when help in the form of vaccines is right around the corner. Here's how I look at it: I wouldn't trade this Christmas with family for never getting to spend another Christmas with family.

She sounds a pain but also you didn’t discuss it with her. Wasn’t your call to make even in these difficult times.

She's disappointed but acting like a child. I'm not sure she realises you're trying to protect them, especially with her comment when you were on the phone to your dad and she said "we might give the children covid". I would point out to her that you are doing this because you love them and want to keep them safe, that you are sorry she is disappointed but they can still see you all outside if they want to. The ball is then in their court. Don't tell your DC their grandparents don't want to see them, tell them the truth that it's difficult this year and you'll make up for it once you can. Don't back down as you're doing the right thing for the right reason. I really hope she'll see this when she calms down

She's apprehensive that there'll be a mission creep and we'll start dividing people into the 'deserving' and 'undeserving' ill

This worries me, too. whose responsibility is it to make that decision?

A is 90 but with good quality of life, lives independently with family help and has been fit and well up until date of admission.

B is 30, married with 2 children. He's overweight and refuses to stop smoking or to change his eating habits. He has had a number diet and smoking related problems.

Who is more worthy of treatment?

C is 60 with minor health problems which will affect his prognosis and carer is for his Downes syndrome son.

D is 60, previously fit and well with a good chance of recovery if treated- but actually he is a serial adultery and knocked his wife from pillar to post (not that anyone is likely to know these bits. . . )

Who is more worthy of treatment?

I wouldn't want to be the one who had to make these decisions

I think how people react to this kind of scenario depends a lot on how they have been affected thus far by the pandemic. If you know people who have died or been very sick you are likely to take it more seriously than those who have so far been lucky. Your parents are in the old and vulnerable category (whether they like it or not) while schoolchildren are most likely to be in the asymptomatic super-spreaders category. Your parents are lucky they can get together with you and their grandchildren for a lovely open air festive activity - wear masks (as you have to in the country where I live) and you can be sure of being reasonably safe. If they choose to cut off their noses to spite faces there is not a lot you can do about it. Actually I'd probably feel a lot worse if I gave in and they caught Covid. I would say to your mum that you are sorry she can't set aside her disappointment at not having a sleepover and would instead rather disappoint her grandchildren by not coming on the walk. I would just tell the grandchildren granny can't come because of Covid - no need to go into any further details. My mum (like your own PIL) would love to have such an opportunity to see her grandchildren for an afternoon - some people just don't know when they are well off.

@SimplySusanna

She’s a bitterly disappointed grandma who resents her adult child assessing her risk and unilaterally making decisions on her behalf instead of having an adult discussion with her and reaching mutual agreement

This with bells on.

It's not all about granny. This is a pandemic in which individual actions ripple out to affect many others.

A septuagenarian throwing a fit about a canceled social event is so boorish and selfish and unseemly.

@HarrietOh

People who are saying 'it's my risk' are just incredibly selfish.

People in older, and more vulnerable groups might decide they want to 'take the risk' and mix with children (and family) who've been in schools etc. but how is that fair if they catch COVID and end up in hospital? How is that fair on the NHS staff, and others who's treatment is delayed because hospitals are over run because someone decided to 'take the risk' and have sleepovers? How is that fair on the family who were anxious about taking such a risk who now have to live with worry about their loved ones in hospital?

Exactly. This is what the "we all have a right to our own decisions " crowd chooses to overlook. Spreading and risk are not personal matters, at all, amid a deadly global pandemic.

This is why I never give tickets as gifts any more - too much risk of something coming up in the gap between booking and using. I like the suggestion of just doing the outdoors things and being clear what time you will arrive and leave so they can join if they like.

In their defence, I think those of us with school age children are in daily contact with the reality of what trying to manage the virus means in the way that people who've mostly been at home aren't - making them either overly fearful or overly blasé because it's all at one remove from them. Because it is, until it isn't.

I would just let her huff and crack on, say I'm sorry you feel like this mum it's such a terrible time we are in and just leave it don't pander to it.

But it's not just them making decisions about their own risk. If they catch it from your children they may inadvertently spread it to vulnerable people, ie at the supermarket for example. Also if they have to go to hospital then that takes resources, and overall covid cases take resources from others eg cancer patients. The continuing increase of cases also means continuing lockdown which leads to losing jobs and likelihood.
So its not an individual decision about whether you are happy to risk catching covid. This is why the bmj etc are saying it's a bad idea.
I think you've done the right thing and you'll just have to hope she sees sense. Such a shame if your children miss out.

OP do not give in to her! She’s acting like a toddler! My gran was like this and it was awful - ended up getting worse as we got older as she started pulling these stunts directly on us as teenagers.

Let her stew and tell your dad if they want to see the kids you’ll see them at the light trail. If they don’t want to see the kids then fine you’ll see them in the new year.

I also hate it when people change plans last minute but this is for a very reasonable reason. It is stupid to make plans during a pandemic and not be aware they might change at any minute. I’ve had 3 trips cancelled now, yes it’s annoying but it’s how things are until the vaccine is rolled out!

I couldn't deal with the strop for not getting her own way. She's happy to let the grandkids down because she wants the sleep over and the day out, not just the day out? Doesn't sound like an amazing grandparent to me. I'd do the day out with the kids, have a lovely time and ignore the fact the grandparents aren't there. I think it's really selfish to do as she is when it's for the children anyway

YABVU to say to your kids that granny doesn't want to see them. She DOES want to see them but unfortunately circumstances don't allow it.

The rest is just noise.

Schadenfreuder - Who is more worthy of treatment?

Whilst this is an understandable question to ask - it's not the question clinicians will ask which is - who is the most likely to survive ?

In your example it could well be the 90 yr old

Are you certain that we did not somehow share a mother? Mine would literally fall in the floor and drum her heels when crossed. Biggest shock of her life was when I advised my father, who (while in general stalwart and my biggest cheerleader, had a weak spot for my mother...protected me from EVERYTHING but her) was wringing his hands, "Throw a pot of cold water on her. I'm going."

Op, surely, it's up to your parents to decide if they're willing to take

And

She is an adult and they are the ones most at risk, they should be allowed to make their own risk decisions.

I really don't understand when people post these comments, is the OP going to feel upset if they pass on Covid to her parents or worse they die. Of course not and the risk has changed as their children's school is in a middle of an outbreak of covid.

OP I don't think you have done anything wrong. The infection rate has gone up in your area and you would be unreasonable not to change your plans now as things are at this moment in time.

Don't give in

That was too long. YABU