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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

.. to ask 18 year old for financial contribution now working?

137 replies

Lola528 · 16/12/2020 06:05

DS 18 just got a seasonal job (his first ever!) and will receive his first pay this month. He’s been working a lot (practically FT hours this month) and picking up any extra shifts he can get. He may get kept on as permanent, but that is a wait and see scenario.

We have mentioned when working he will have to pay towards his board/food etc (this was expected of us by our parents “back in the day”) and DH feels it’s an important step towards becoming an independent adult/budgeting/saving etc.

I do agree to an extent, but part of me wants to just let him have his money to himself until he’s finished college etc (currently attends 1 day a week because of COVID, but has 2 other days of virtual lessons and study).

We are struggling a bit right now financially due to changes in our own jobs/salary reduction etc, but I can’t help but feel guilty about the thought of taking his money (prob around 20% though figures have not been discussed - is this fair?) from him. He is a great kid, but not gonna lie, is a bit lazy when it comes to keeping room clean/housework contribution etc.

When times were better financially he more or less got what he asked for, so yes, I’d say yes been fairly spoiled to date, but that is of course down to us, not him. He’s looking at driving lessons/car now, but we aren’t in a position to help with “extras” right now. Is it fairer to say he just covers things like that instead while we continue to cover roof over head, food etc?

In case relevant, we have a second DC who is 14, so this is also laying future expectations for him too.

So:

YANBU - of course he should be paying towards living costs now he’s 18 and earning

YABU - he should get to keep his money until working full time

OP posts:
ThePants999 · 16/12/2020 06:10

Personally, I would charge him, but I'd put everything he pays to one side ready to give back to him in future when he's ready to, e.g., get on the property ladder. Basically a combination of enforced saving and getting him used to paying his way.

FollowYourOwnNorthStar · 16/12/2020 06:13

I think asking for a contribution once over 18 is fair. I think it’s better if it is money, rather than ‘extras’, as it will be confusing for the second sibling.

Remember this is probably the most unencumbered money your son will ever have in his life! No rent, no food, no bills (maybe phone?) - it is all disposable income. He is probably wealthier than you at present once you take all the bills out of your money.

It is good for him to learn right from the start that money needs to pay for essential things, not just fun. Starting with the four things to keep a roof over his head (accommodation), food in his stomach (food), transport to work (petrol) and bills (lights and water on).

A 20% fee to you for all these seems very fair.

CrotchBurn · 16/12/2020 06:20

@ThePants999
I just KNEW this would get trotted out. How patronising is that? You'll ask him for pay and then "put it aside"? What does that teach? It's a ridiculous and controlling idea and you see it on here all the time.

OP I definitely believe in adult children paying their way - if he were 20 and in full time work I'd say definitely. 18 and on temp work though - I think let him keep his money for now. But start asking for a small contribution when hes working full time.

lifestooshort123 · 16/12/2020 06:23

He should pay towards his keep - want to be treated like an adult then behave like one. If you can manage without his money though then save it for him for the future. My mum did this and gave me a nice little lump sum when I got married. It was in the 60s and I earned £20 a week and gave her 5. Your son will see his new earnings as having reached the crock of gold at the end of the rainbow and it might irritate you if he splashes the cash when you're paying all the bills. Just agree a percentage and then it won't be a sticking point if he has a lean month.

funfunfunfunfun · 16/12/2020 06:25

If his job is only seasonal and coming to an end soon I wouldn't ask this time but if it turns into something permanent then I would ask for board money.

Sootyandsweep2019 · 16/12/2020 06:26

Erm op, if he is at college are you not still getting child benefit / tax credits/ UC for him? If you are, you are being VERY unreasonable and essentially getting double money.

PurpleFlower1983 · 16/12/2020 06:26

I would take the money but save it for him - this coming from someone who was never charged board at home and spent my money on all sorts of needless rubbish!

whatswithtodaytoday · 16/12/2020 06:28

I think if he's still in education he gets to keep his money. Encourage him to use it for driving lessons if that would be useful (i.e. you're not in London/centre of big city), but let him enjoy it for a bit.

Toilenstripes · 16/12/2020 06:33

Honestly I had never heard of charging rent to children when they turn 18 until I started reading MN. It’s his home and you’re his parents fgs.

Clymene · 16/12/2020 06:34

But he's at college. Confused

Mindymomo · 16/12/2020 06:35

My sons are now 28 and 24 and I wish I had started taking money from them as soon as they started working, but I didn’t then, nor now. One son went to Uni, but the other worked with my husband. One son is very generous and pays for takeaways and is paying for Christmas dinner.

I would explain to your son that as money is tight, could he contribute a little each week, starting off with an amount that you are both happy with.

Goldencurtain · 16/12/2020 06:36

Get him to pay for his driving lessons and stop doing his housework. You do realise that if you continue doing his housework for him you're setting him up to be one of those knobs in a relationship we come on here and complain about because they never lift a finger at home.

inquietant · 16/12/2020 06:36

I intend to charge a token amount. I feel both market rate and nothing seem wrong.

My parents charged me nothing, which actually felt wrong atvtge time.

CrotchBurn · 16/12/2020 06:39

@Mindymomo
You have a 28 year old son who lives with you and his contribution is the odd takeaway? Is this serious?

inquietant · 16/12/2020 06:40

Oh, didn't realise he was in education! Wouldn't charge until they are out of education.

Sandcastles09 · 16/12/2020 06:41

I that saving his contribution is the best idea and explaining why you want to do this. It’s so hard to get on the property ladder and if you can afford to help him save his money instead of putting towards your household outgoings that’s would really help.
It’s hard for an 18 year old to think that far ahead but I’m sure he will thank you in the long run. Asking for help with the bills which you can manage will make it very hard for him to save and eventually become independent although teaching him a valuable lesson!

notacooldad · 16/12/2020 06:44

I dont take money if my 21 year old never an 18 year old in a seasonal job.
My reasons are
1 He is still on low pay- he left college and us on an apprentice wage .
2 He already knows how to budget. He has car insurance, tax and petrol bills to pay. He us also building up a professional tool kit that is needed in his industry and that is going to run into £1000's
3 He doesn't cost that much living with us. Its not like our bills would suddenly decrease significantly.
By the time he has tried to save some money and build up what he needs as well as pay for his day to day expenses there isn't much left. Thered no need to make his life a tight squeeze
I think if he had a cocky, entitled attitude I may think different though but he does a lot for us.

Oblomov20 · 16/12/2020 06:45

He's got a seasonal job? So, is he still studying? At college?
How much is he earning? He'll still need a lot of it for driving lessons, right?

A small weekly contribution to the food budget?

I think it's pretty tough. I wouldn't ask. But if your financial situation is tricky, then he should be happy to help.

My Ds has had a job at Sainsbury's for a year, since 16, and is earning a nice sum monthly. He is saving this. We are paying for driving lessons. But we are able to afford it. (Plus Dh has already practically taught him to drive, to save money!) , so I appreciate our situation is a bit different to yours.

OffredOfjune · 16/12/2020 06:47

@ThePants999

Personally, I would charge him, but I'd put everything he pays to one side ready to give back to him in future when he's ready to, e.g., get on the property ladder. Basically a combination of enforced saving and getting him used to paying his way.
Not this again. The money is for his keep ffs; OP has already said she's struggling financially. What does doing that teach them? Doesn't exactly teach them how to save money themselves.
CrotchBurn · 16/12/2020 06:54

@OffredOfjune
Glad I'm not alone here, this approach always sets my teeth on edge

Desmondo2016 · 16/12/2020 06:56

I wouldn't take board whilst they were still in education. I would be encouraging good savings habits though and getting them to set up a regular savings plan .

nosswith · 16/12/2020 06:57

Even if only a small amount or by providing something for the house (some of the food shopping as an example), he should be contributing.

user1493413286 · 16/12/2020 07:00

I wouldn’t in a seasonal job; that money may need to last him quite a while if the job doesn’t continue after Christmas. I also think while they’re still at college then I wouldn’t

pilates · 16/12/2020 07:03

No I wouldn’t. It’s just a seasonal job and he’s still at college.

SnowySheep · 16/12/2020 07:07

My 17 and 19yos do pay, but they're both working FT. I wouldn't have charged them while still at school/college.