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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

.. to ask 18 year old for financial contribution now working?

137 replies

Lola528 · 16/12/2020 06:05

DS 18 just got a seasonal job (his first ever!) and will receive his first pay this month. He’s been working a lot (practically FT hours this month) and picking up any extra shifts he can get. He may get kept on as permanent, but that is a wait and see scenario.

We have mentioned when working he will have to pay towards his board/food etc (this was expected of us by our parents “back in the day”) and DH feels it’s an important step towards becoming an independent adult/budgeting/saving etc.

I do agree to an extent, but part of me wants to just let him have his money to himself until he’s finished college etc (currently attends 1 day a week because of COVID, but has 2 other days of virtual lessons and study).

We are struggling a bit right now financially due to changes in our own jobs/salary reduction etc, but I can’t help but feel guilty about the thought of taking his money (prob around 20% though figures have not been discussed - is this fair?) from him. He is a great kid, but not gonna lie, is a bit lazy when it comes to keeping room clean/housework contribution etc.

When times were better financially he more or less got what he asked for, so yes, I’d say yes been fairly spoiled to date, but that is of course down to us, not him. He’s looking at driving lessons/car now, but we aren’t in a position to help with “extras” right now. Is it fairer to say he just covers things like that instead while we continue to cover roof over head, food etc?

In case relevant, we have a second DC who is 14, so this is also laying future expectations for him too.

So:

YANBU - of course he should be paying towards living costs now he’s 18 and earning

YABU - he should get to keep his money until working full time

OP posts:
JaceLancs · 16/12/2020 08:18

Both my DC paid board after leaving 6th form
As a lone parent that’s when my child benefit, tax credits and maintenance ended so also needed the money to keep a roof over our heads
DS still lives here and contributes - he is also helpful round the house and very generous with other things
DD lives with her partner
Both have grown up to be financially responsible adults with a good work ethic

chocolatemonster · 16/12/2020 08:20

I wouldn't whilst he is at college and given it's only temporary at the moment he might need the money to tide him over whilst he looks for another job.

I would however expect him to fund things like driving lessons or luxuries.

My ds is doing an apprenticeship and brings home 600 to 700 per month. He pays his own car insurance and petrol to work and any luxuries he wants so I don't charge him rent as it's akin to being at college.

DD is at college and part time in retail so again I don't charge her but driving lessons and saving for a car are her responsibility. She has a PLT shopping habit though Hmm

To be fair when DP wasn't working at the beginning of the pandemic she paid for a weeks worth of groceries for us.

MaMaD1990 · 16/12/2020 08:21

I don't see anything wrong with him contributing to the family home. He's an adult now and its good for him learn the life skill of managing money. That includes taking care if his bills and responsibilities first and saving for things he wants (the car). I was raised in the same way but an ex partner wasn't and he wished his parents had taught him the value of saving money and paying your bills on time.

feistymumma · 16/12/2020 08:22

@Toilenstripes I completely agree with you

CorianderQueen · 16/12/2020 08:23

When he's permanent maybe, not on a temp seasonal role while also in education.

inquietant · 16/12/2020 08:24

I don't get the way over-18s are treated like juveniles. For me it is mostly about becoming adult and helps with two-way respect.

I see three options really:

  • no rent
  • token contribution
  • market rate

I'm going with token contribution.

But I've always made my children contribute with tasks, it feels a natural extension of that. I would be sad if my kids were freeloading at 25+ as I read about a lot on here.

Emeraldshamrock · 16/12/2020 08:26

If you're struggling and he is paid monthly I'd ask him to take care of the electricity bill. I'd usually say no as it is seasonal work but if needs must.

Bluntness100 · 16/12/2020 08:27

If you need the money charge him. If you don’t, don’t, wait until he is finished college and working properly full time.

However if you need the money just explain it to him.

StylishMummy · 16/12/2020 08:30

I'd let him have 3 months grace to enjoy the feeling of earning his own way and spending his hard earned money. Then if he's permanent, make a fair arrangement

PinkPurpleFlowers · 16/12/2020 08:30

@Desmondo2016

I wouldn't take board whilst they were still in education. I would be encouraging good savings habits though and getting them to set up a regular savings plan .
See the lady with a 28 and 24 year old, still at home, not paying their way. My cousin went to about three different universities, his parents are able to afford his keep, but how old was he before he ever paid anything.
Chrimboo · 16/12/2020 08:33

We’ve already discussed it (so it’s not a shock) and whilst in education the money is there’s but as soon as they leave it’ll be 20%.

BiBabbles · 16/12/2020 08:35

I likely wouldn't ask for a rent contributions from a seasonal job, but I might ask for them to pick up things and, if it became more regular, discussing paying a bill or two that they benefit from & ways to start building up his credit score. I think paying a bill has more benefits than paying me.

With my 16-year-old, he splits between his money between his own stuff, savings, and household. The last one is things he picks up or does for us or one of his siblings. He keeps track of what he has for each in a goodbudget app (which he sometimes asks me to help him double check and we go through it with his banking app together). Our plan is to move over payments that are just for him (mostly gaming related) for him to start taking care of in the next year once he's feeling a bit more confident with managing money.

christmaswoes · 16/12/2020 08:45

Just seasonal work and him at college? I'd encourage him to use it for driving lessons. Explain that you won't be able to afford to pay for them so it's a useful investment for him.

LabiaMinoraPissusFlapus · 16/12/2020 08:51

I won't charge my children until they are out of education. My parents didn't. Maybe he will have to pay for driving lessons if you can't afford that, I remember paying for mine at 17 and felt very jealous that all my friends seemed to have theirs paid for by their parents! Looking back I think that is fine though. I don't agree with charging rent and saving it for them. I am not sure what that teaches them and it makes a mockery of charging rent to help cover expenses.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 16/12/2020 08:52

I suspect most people are missing the salient fact: OP is struggling financially.

Her choices are:
Take money from her son
Get (further) into debt

The realities of life close to its financial limits are often not recognised by many MNers. Which is why it has its reputation of middle class mums pontificating! Sometimes, some topics, that seems to be fairly accurate. This is one of those topics!

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 16/12/2020 08:55

When I was growing up we contributed once we were out of education . So o wouldn't charge a school/college/uni child board. However, I would expect as they are earning, that they fund their own hobbies/Travel to college etc.

frolicmum · 16/12/2020 08:56

I personally wouldn't but it depends on your financial position, your house, your rules.

I would discuss the money with him, sit down and see how much he actually needs of it etc and then explain how important it is to save.

category12 · 16/12/2020 08:56

Depends what "struggling a bit" means. If it means spiralling into debt (I don't think op has said she's in debt?), then obviously it's all hands to the pumps. If it means things are a bit tighter than they would be normally, but if son wasn't working we'd manage anyway, then you just manage.

EdwardCullensBiteOnTheSide · 16/12/2020 08:58

I think regardless of being in college still, if he's 18 and earning a decent wage I'd ask for a contribution. Maybe say if he earns over a certain amount you would like him to contribute.
My step daughter is in yr11 just turned 16 and has an evening job now in a takeaway, she has used her wages to buy Christmas presents for her grandparents and siblings, her mum usually buys these so in effect she's helped her mum, I have given her the money to buy her mums present though as I don't think she should have used her whole wages. Your son might surprise you op and give you some money anyway, if he knows you're struggling.

LouLou789 · 16/12/2020 09:00

I think it’s really important they learn about finances and contributing a reasonable percentage of his wages is a significant step. 20% sounds about right. With my eldest, he knew our finances weren’t great and he actually insisted on contributing (age 17) The youngest was less willing but one thing that worked a treat with him was to say “We’d normally expect you to contribute X but you could make some of your contribution in kind, so if you take on jobs ABC then you could just pay amount Y. It’s your choice: any week you decide you’re not doing ABC, that’s fine but then you need to contribute X”

Sceptre86 · 16/12/2020 09:06

In a seasonal job I wouldn't expect any money from him but if he gets a permanent job, even part time whilst studying I would. I had a part time job whilst at uni and lived at home, I gave my mum £20 a week. It nowhere near covered everything she provided for me but got me into the habit of giving keep. When I got a full time job I gave a lot more. When I got my first wage I got my mum and dad a present as previously never had money to do so and was thankful of everything they did for me. At 18 your son is no longer a child and should be cleaning up after him and regardless of having a job and going to college or uni.

I agree with a pp and find the whole take some money but set it aside for him type post so annoying. What happened to making sacrifices and you own way in the world?

cherryblossomx3 · 16/12/2020 09:06

My mum and step dad were charging me rent when I had just turned 17 and was working. I felt quite resentful at the time as I wasn't really earning much and 17 is really young I think, I certainly won't be doing that to my children at quite such a young age. Having said that, it didn't harm me! I also think the fact my friends all got to keep their weekend job money really didn't help!

In your situation, it depends I think if you are still getting benefits for him. If you are then I wouldn't personally, no.

Chloemol · 16/12/2020 09:17

No I wouldn’t, he is at college still, the job is part time and seasonal

If he was working full time then yes I would charge, but would in fact save the money and give it back when he left home

contrmary · 16/12/2020 09:21

No way, he's your child and therefore your responsibility. He should keep the money from his hard work, not use it to subsidise you.

Dobbyismyfavourite · 16/12/2020 09:23

I'm sorry you are struggling financially OP but as your DS is still in education and you are presumably still receiving child benefit, if in the UK, then no i wouldn't charge for living with you. Totally understandable that he will have to pay for his own driving lessons though as you obviously can't help out.

I think young adults should contribute to the household but only once they are in full-time work.