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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

.. to ask 18 year old for financial contribution now working?

137 replies

Lola528 · 16/12/2020 06:05

DS 18 just got a seasonal job (his first ever!) and will receive his first pay this month. He’s been working a lot (practically FT hours this month) and picking up any extra shifts he can get. He may get kept on as permanent, but that is a wait and see scenario.

We have mentioned when working he will have to pay towards his board/food etc (this was expected of us by our parents “back in the day”) and DH feels it’s an important step towards becoming an independent adult/budgeting/saving etc.

I do agree to an extent, but part of me wants to just let him have his money to himself until he’s finished college etc (currently attends 1 day a week because of COVID, but has 2 other days of virtual lessons and study).

We are struggling a bit right now financially due to changes in our own jobs/salary reduction etc, but I can’t help but feel guilty about the thought of taking his money (prob around 20% though figures have not been discussed - is this fair?) from him. He is a great kid, but not gonna lie, is a bit lazy when it comes to keeping room clean/housework contribution etc.

When times were better financially he more or less got what he asked for, so yes, I’d say yes been fairly spoiled to date, but that is of course down to us, not him. He’s looking at driving lessons/car now, but we aren’t in a position to help with “extras” right now. Is it fairer to say he just covers things like that instead while we continue to cover roof over head, food etc?

In case relevant, we have a second DC who is 14, so this is also laying future expectations for him too.

So:

YANBU - of course he should be paying towards living costs now he’s 18 and earning

YABU - he should get to keep his money until working full time

OP posts:
Cheeseandwin5 · 16/12/2020 11:21

I have to agree with others and say no to charging him. It is a seasonal job and I think it may do more harm than good if he sees it disappear into rent etc.
He is 18 and has a part-time seasonal job. Let him enjoy it and wait for the teaching life lessons when he is FT.

TheVanguardSix · 16/12/2020 11:23

Why don't you get your son to pay for his monthly phone bills/clothes/sundries instead?

If you're struggling financially, look for more hours, OP. Your son found work in Covid times. That's brilliant. But it's not the solution to your problem. He's not the reason for your financial struggles. So don't penalise him or look to him as your solution.
Your life is yours. His life is his. He's a student still. Mitts off his paltry salary, is my view. Try and find work any way you can.

TheVanguardSix · 16/12/2020 11:24

I also don't think you get brownie points because you've "always gone above and beyond" when it comes to your children. They're your children...

Exactly.

THisbackwithavengeance · 16/12/2020 11:24

I wouldn't charge him either unless you really needed the money. But equally I would expect him to fund his own driving lessons, phone contract etc and buy his own clothes.

Elfieishere · 16/12/2020 11:27

@Cheeseandwin5

I have to agree with others and say no to charging him. It is a seasonal job and I think it may do more harm than good if he sees it disappear into rent etc. He is 18 and has a part-time seasonal job. Let him enjoy it and wait for the teaching life lessons when he is FT.
Totally agree.

And I’m shocked that you would take 20% as well!

Comefromaway · 16/12/2020 12:01

So basically one of you earns more the same as dh and I both earn combined and you want to take some of your son's temporary job income.

I consider us to be pretty affluent and due to dd doing a course not eligible for student loan we pay 100% of her living costs at college.

He absolutely should pay his own driving lessons etc but to have to pay keep whilst in full time further education. He's had the gumption to get a job (pretty hard at the moment dd lost her job due to covid and struggled to get another) and you want to penalise him for that.

cologne4711 · 16/12/2020 12:14

When I had a summer job between uni years, I earned about £150 a week. My mum asked for £20 of it as a contribution to my board as I was living at home FT. I didn't pay tax, so the rest was mine. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask for a small amount from a seasonal job. If it were a long term job I'd expect a contribution proportionate to earnings.

So for example, if DH earned 2K a month, I earned 2K a month and DS earned 1K a month and we needed £1500 a month for bills and food I'd expect DS to pay £300.

Nowaynothappening · 16/12/2020 12:18

No I don’t think I’d charge until he gets a FT job.

Whammyyammy · 16/12/2020 12:20

I charged my children £50pw each, but saved every penny of it. When they lefy home to get their own place i gave them the money back.
Taught then to pay their way and have then a very sizeable amount of £££

Comefromaway · 16/12/2020 12:23

@cologne4711

When I had a summer job between uni years, I earned about £150 a week. My mum asked for £20 of it as a contribution to my board as I was living at home FT. I didn't pay tax, so the rest was mine. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask for a small amount from a seasonal job. If it were a long term job I'd expect a contribution proportionate to earnings.

So for example, if DH earned 2K a month, I earned 2K a month and DS earned 1K a month and we needed £1500 a month for bills and food I'd expect DS to pay £300.

The difference between that and the OP's son is that you were at university which is higher education, presumably you had some form of student finance to live off and you were not legally classed as a dependent of your parents (except for any university parental contribution).

My daughter turned 18 in the early October of Year 13, my son won't turn 18 until the mid February of Year 13. Should she have an extra 6 months pf having to pay just because of where her birthday falls?

When parents choose to have children they are responsible for feeding and clothing and providing a roof over their heads until they leave full time school/college (which is the end of Year 13/2nd year college).

My daughter is 19 now and yes, when she chose to come home for a bit this term due to covid I deducted £35 per week keep from her maintenance allowance to cover her food etc for those weeks but no way would I have thought it right to do that whilst she was still in full time further education.

EmbarrassingAdmissions · 16/12/2020 12:24

My family was always so short of money that I needed to turn over most of the money I earned from my weekend job at school. My father's early death meant that my income was our main one when I left school and got a full time job (younger siblings).

So much depends on a family's individual circumstances that it's difficult to advise other people.

And many of us may be in line for a very harsh few months and few employment opportunities in 2021.

ErickBroch · 16/12/2020 12:29

I wouldn't for seasonal! Only if he got a permanent FT/PT job. My mum was low income and I paid £30 a week when I got my first salaried job. Obviously such a small amount to live somewhere but it helped her which is all that mattered.

Pemba · 16/12/2020 13:03

If he was working full time then yes, ask for a contribution.

But to ask when he is still at college, and you are presumably still getting child benefit for him, no I don't think that's fair. It's only a seasonal job anyway.

Comefromaway · 16/12/2020 13:32

@Pemba

If he was working full time then yes, ask for a contribution.

But to ask when he is still at college, and you are presumably still getting child benefit for him, no I don't think that's fair. It's only a seasonal job anyway.

The OP's dh earns too much for her to be eligible for Child Benefit apparently!
nornironlady · 16/12/2020 13:35

I think adult children should be treated as adults. My Mum did this from I was earning at 16/17 despite not actually providing any costs towards my life, no pocket money, nights out, going to school and birthday/christmas was never extravagant. I paid for all of this myself as well as paying in to the household. My Mum was alone and needed the extra money. My DSis 1.5yrs younger however didn't make any contribution as Mum was clearly in a better financial situation. This used to irritate me but I can understand. I feel it should be the same rule though.

alwayslearning789 · 16/12/2020 15:04

No OP - encourage him to save for himself

That is where the true good lesson in self management applies.

Also:

  • It is a seasonal job
  • He has only just turned 18, so just turned the corner into adulthood
  • He is at College , so his main responsibility is his education for a better job

He has to learn to be responsible for himself not for his parents, and there are many other better ways to learn responsibility than taking his money.

If you can afford not to OP - don't do it.

alwayslearning789 · 16/12/2020 15:09

Let him invest in his driving lessons, buy his siblings gifts, buy you giftsSmile, his fancy clothes, etc

But please don't stake a claim on his money

You are only young once, he will never have this opportunity again once he hits the adulthood treadmill...

Comefromaway · 16/12/2020 15:13

@nornironlady

I think adult children should be treated as adults. My Mum did this from I was earning at 16/17 despite not actually providing any costs towards my life, no pocket money, nights out, going to school and birthday/christmas was never extravagant. I paid for all of this myself as well as paying in to the household. My Mum was alone and needed the extra money. My DSis 1.5yrs younger however didn't make any contribution as Mum was clearly in a better financial situation. This used to irritate me but I can understand. I feel it should be the same rule though.
I agree. But I don't treat them as adults until after they have left education namely July of Year 13.
waydownwego · 16/12/2020 15:17

I think it's unreasonable to take money off him "just because".

If you are struggling and need the extra money to help pay for the household bills, then I think it's perfectly reasonable to ask for board. In that scenario, all the grown-ups in the household have to behave like grown-ups. Life is just hard sometimes.

I also disagree with the idea of taking money off children to later hand back to them. I don't see what that teaches anyone.

caringcarer · 16/12/2020 15:33

While in education I never took any money from my kids. Let him keep his money for driving lessons as you say you cannot help him out with those.

FedUpAtHomeTroels · 16/12/2020 15:43

I had a deal with my older kids/now adults.
In full time education, I didn't ask for any contribution from part time jobs
If they quit college and worked part time or full time, then they needed to contribute each pay day.
I didn't tell them but I saved all the payments they gave me, then when they finally moved out, I gave it back to use for the move. Ds used to to get a bed, a fridge freezer and a washing machine.

iolaus · 16/12/2020 15:46

If in full time education (therefore you are eligible for child benefit etc even if you don't get it due to earnings) then no

If not in full time education they do give me a small amount - from their SECOND pay on - DH wanted them to have their first wage to spend on whatever they want

iolaus · 16/12/2020 15:55

BTW expecting him to pay for his own driving lessons is absolutely fine

cologne4711 · 16/12/2020 16:16

The difference between that and the OP's son is that you were at university which is higher education, presumably you had some form of student finance to live off and you were not legally classed as a dependent of your parents (except for any university parental contribution

That's a good point - I had Saturday jobs from what is now Y11 to Y13 and my mum didn't take any money off me from those. But once I was at uni she took a bit from my summer holiday jobs.

Student finance only covered term-time, although it was in those halcyon years of grants and no tuition fees (loans came in in my final year).

AldiAisleofCrap · 16/12/2020 16:21

No he is still in education, once he leaves college /uni and gets a full time job is the time to take housekeeping. Whilst in education parents should be supporting their dc.

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