Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

.. to ask 18 year old for financial contribution now working?

137 replies

Lola528 · 16/12/2020 06:05

DS 18 just got a seasonal job (his first ever!) and will receive his first pay this month. He’s been working a lot (practically FT hours this month) and picking up any extra shifts he can get. He may get kept on as permanent, but that is a wait and see scenario.

We have mentioned when working he will have to pay towards his board/food etc (this was expected of us by our parents “back in the day”) and DH feels it’s an important step towards becoming an independent adult/budgeting/saving etc.

I do agree to an extent, but part of me wants to just let him have his money to himself until he’s finished college etc (currently attends 1 day a week because of COVID, but has 2 other days of virtual lessons and study).

We are struggling a bit right now financially due to changes in our own jobs/salary reduction etc, but I can’t help but feel guilty about the thought of taking his money (prob around 20% though figures have not been discussed - is this fair?) from him. He is a great kid, but not gonna lie, is a bit lazy when it comes to keeping room clean/housework contribution etc.

When times were better financially he more or less got what he asked for, so yes, I’d say yes been fairly spoiled to date, but that is of course down to us, not him. He’s looking at driving lessons/car now, but we aren’t in a position to help with “extras” right now. Is it fairer to say he just covers things like that instead while we continue to cover roof over head, food etc?

In case relevant, we have a second DC who is 14, so this is also laying future expectations for him too.

So:

YANBU - of course he should be paying towards living costs now he’s 18 and earning

YABU - he should get to keep his money until working full time

OP posts:
category12 · 16/12/2020 07:07

As a temp job, I'd just let him keep his money. It's his first job, let him enjoy his first wage. He's at college as well, he wants to learn to drive, it seems a bit grabby to expect money off him as soon as he starts a little job.

And if you are still getting child benefit for him then it's a bit off.

If it was a permanent job and he was no longer in education, yeah ask for some keep, but in this case, no.

TooOldforBouncyCastles · 16/12/2020 07:07

DD is at school and working and pays me £200 a month which I am keeping in an account for her later. All heinous parental crimes apparently.

She is left with approx £200 to herself to spend on going out, clothes and makeup. She’s not struggling.

As for teaching about saving...she always intended to save but the money burned a hole in her pocket and she never enjoyed that moment when savings have built up. In a year she will buy her own car and enjoy that moment.

This is the amount she suggested and was to pay her share towards the car we share. She knows I’m not intending to keep all the money and knows it is being saved so she is learning something about the benefit of putting money aside.

The problem with not taking any money is teenagers become used to having large amounts of money to spend on stuff they don’t need. Moving to adulthood and having far less money, needing to budget etc is much harder then.

SandyY2K · 16/12/2020 07:09

In your position I'd wait until he has a full time job.

Flapjak · 16/12/2020 07:14

I wouldnt if he is in education, BUT if your family circumstances mean you cant afford the bills / food, then yes i would ask for a contribution .

UseOfWeapons · 16/12/2020 07:17

My parents took board and lodging whilst I was at university, I was only home during vacations. I always had a job in the holidays, and it wasn’t big amount, but it was enough to make me think about things like utility bills, cost of cleaning products, that sort of thing. I bought my own food, but, would eat with family on a Sunday.
I didn’t see it as a negative, it was part of life then, it was expected...why wouldn’t I want to contribute? This was my family! It also taught me a lot about expectations, and a little about budgeting.
I would ask for something from him, doesn’t have to be huge, just regular. If his job ends, you can reconsider.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 16/12/2020 07:19

It depends how much you think he’ll be able to save. Will he splash it all at once? As it’s a seasonal job, I wouldn’t take any money but if it becomes permanent, either tell him to pay 20% or pay for his driving lessons.

I had a full time career job whilst still living at home. As did my DH (DP at the time) and he lived with us. My parents didn’t take any money from us but we were saving every penny we could to buy a house. I used to go food shopping though and would pay, etc. We were both at uni when we moved back in with them. I only had a job for the final year of living there but DH had one for three years. If my parents had taken money from us, we’d have still been living there longer and they didn’t need the money. My dad was made redundant at one point and I offered to pay then but my mum said no.

Dovesandkisses · 16/12/2020 07:31

If he is still studying then no- don't charge him. He won't always work full time hours depending on how intense collage is.

Whatisthisfuckery · 16/12/2020 07:37

If you want to raise a lazy selfish manchild then no, don’t expect anything of him. I’m sure his future partners will thank you for not expecting him to do anything at home or pay any bills.

KatherineJaneway · 16/12/2020 07:43

Personally I believe he should pay towards his keep. If you are struggling and he is earning, then to me it is a no brainer.

BarbaraofSeville · 16/12/2020 07:45

@Toilenstripes

Honestly I had never heard of charging rent to children when they turn 18 until I started reading MN. It’s his home and you’re his parents fgs.
Yeah, the DS should just have hundreds of pounds a month to do what he likes with while the OP struggles with a reduced income, because his parents are duty bound to keep him in the style to which he has become accustomed for as long as he likes.

He's probably got more money available right now than he ever will, unless he becomes a high earner. Even if he pays keep and some of his own personal expenses, he'll still have plenty left over to have fun with.

He should definitely pay for his own phone and driving lessons, save for a car and give the OP some money towards his keep, 20% being a reasonable amount.

newmum332 · 16/12/2020 07:48

I think these days it’s complete personal choice. I don’t think there is the expectation like there use to be that you will contribute to the household at 18. (I think this would be different if he were a bit older and full time in a ‘proper job’). He may be better off saving as much of his seasonal money for himself over the next few months, if it doesn’t last I’d imagine it would be better for him to have some money saved than relying on you again

Dannydevitoiloveyourart · 16/12/2020 07:52

He’s still in education working his first seasonal job. Why ever would you dampen that excitement by taking away his pennies? Just let him have his moment- this doesn’t have to be made into his parents teaching him anything. Right now he’s learning the joy of working and having your own money to spend- and off his own initiative too. Better than any lesson you could give him.

Maybe if he’s still living with you once he has a full time job and has left college, then he can pay board like he would if he wasn’t in education and private renting.

Ragwort · 16/12/2020 08:00

Yes you should, particularly if you say you are struggling- why should you have to scrimp and save if your DS has a lot of spare money?Obviously have a proper chat about the cost of running the house, food, bills etc and hopefully agree together what would be a suitable contribution.

You read so many threads on here about useless men who don't understand how to properly budget, what costs are involved in maintaining a home etc etc - don't let your DS end up like one of those men.

whatswithtodaytoday · 16/12/2020 08:01

Unless you're in a very cheap part of the country, putting aside his small contribution is not going to help with getting him on the housing ladder Hmm

Definitely get him doing more around the house though - now is the age he needs to understand what is like to run a home.

YukoandHiro · 16/12/2020 08:03

I wouldn't expect anything while still studying 3 out of 5 days, even if picking up lots of extra hours around that. I would expect a significant contribution as soon as they are working FT and not studying.

Greenbks · 16/12/2020 08:05

I’d be minded to let him have his full pay for the first two months or so, it’s the first time he’s earned anything and it would be nice for him to enjoy it/save it since he will be paying his way through life from now on.

After that I would take a contribution off him.

Milkshake54 · 16/12/2020 08:07

I’d ask for contribution, but give him his first pay check to be able to spend how he wishes!

BullshitVivienne · 16/12/2020 08:08

Give him a choice. He could contribute financially or he could contribute practically by helping more.

Tenyearsgone · 16/12/2020 08:09

No I wouldn't take any money off an 18 year old who is still at college.

It doesn't matter what your parents did back in the day.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 16/12/2020 08:11

You say you are struggling financially because of covid. Tell him that and yes, 20% is fine, 30% is fine too!

And yes, also have the "You're an adult, start pulling you weight around the house" conversation, That's way overdue!

But mostly explain the harsh financial realities of life at the moment. Don't let him float on thinking you and dad are able to pay his way forever!

JillofTrades · 16/12/2020 08:11

Exactly Ten. I don't get this mentality of charging your kids the second they turn 18. No wonder those same people charge their parents for things or wouldn't help out their parents later on.

stationed · 16/12/2020 08:12

If you need the money, I'd ask him to cover his food, for example, but not his accommodation. So just what he's costing you.
But as he's still at college, I'd ideally not ask him for money, but expect him to cover his driving lessons and all other outgoings by himself.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 16/12/2020 08:14

If you desperately need it then yes but otherwise I wouldn’t. When one of mine was in this situation she bought the odd bottle of wine here and there or takeaway. And sometimes bought ingredients for dinner and cooked for us all. She did, however, start paying for her own mobile and uber account.

Bagelsandbrie · 16/12/2020 08:17

Personally I wouldn’t - you should still be getting tax credits etc for him as he’s still at college if you’re low income ...?

When he’s left college and gets a full time job then it’s fair game I think. Nothing wrong with explaining you’re struggling though and talking about finances, it’s good for young adults to know money doesn’t grow on trees.

TheTeenageYears · 16/12/2020 08:17

If he's still school Y13 then absolutely not. He might be 18 but if things are really tough for you at the moment and you were able to apply for benefits he would be considered a child. If he's the year above he would be entitled to claim benefits in his own name if not working even if living with you so that's slightly different.

Swipe left for the next trending thread