.. to ask 18 year old for financial contribution now working?

[Lola528]

DS 18 just got a seasonal job (his first ever!) and will receive his first pay this month. He’s been working a lot (practically FT hours this month) and picking up any extra shifts he can get. He may get kept on as permanent, but that is a wait and see scenario.

We have mentioned when working he will have to pay towards his board/food etc (this was expected of us by our parents “back in the day”) and DH feels it’s an important step towards becoming an independent adult/budgeting/saving etc.

I do agree to an extent, but part of me wants to just let him have his money to himself until he’s finished college etc (currently attends 1 day a week because of COVID, but has 2 other days of virtual lessons and study).

We are struggling a bit right now financially due to changes in our own jobs/salary reduction etc, but I can’t help but feel guilty about the thought of taking his money (prob around 20% though figures have not been discussed - is this fair?) from him. He is a great kid, but not gonna lie, is a bit lazy when it comes to keeping room clean/housework contribution etc.

When times were better financially he more or less got what he asked for, so yes, I’d say yes been fairly spoiled to date, but that is of course down to us, not him. He’s looking at driving lessons/car now, but we aren’t in a position to help with “extras” right now. Is it fairer to say he just covers things like that instead while we continue to cover roof over head, food etc?

In case relevant, we have a second DC who is 14, so this is also laying future expectations for him too.

So:

YANBU - of course he should be paying towards living costs now he’s 18 and earning

YABU - he should get to keep his money until working full time

I never understand the 'teaching independence' argument. I lived at home until 24 before I moved to the UK. Never gave my parents money, and I managed working/renting/bills fine enough. While I still lived at home I paid for my phone bill and petrol in the car I drove.

As still studying and a temp job I would not charge but would want him to pay for his own phone, driving lessons and if he wanted random takeaways ( not a family one) that sort of thing

Honestly I had never heard of charging rent to children when they turn 18 until I started reading MN. It’s his home and you’re his parents fgs.

Agreed

@Redundant98

Honestly I had never heard of charging rent to children when they turn 18 until I started reading MN. It’s his home and you’re his parents fgs.

Agreed

That's lovely. But not a universal truth.

Many people aren't in that financial position! It really isn't hard to understand!

My dd worked full time (min wage) at 18. We expected her to pay for all her expenses eg clothes, phone, fares, prescriptions, personal snacks and on occasion I asked her to bring in basics like bread and milk which I didn't refund her for (there was a Tesco express next to the bus stop she used) but not rent per se. She saved half her wages minimum as part of our agreement towards university

I agree with a small charge. Our daughter (in Aus @ age 18), has just started working and with no expenses has almost 2k of disposable income a month -working barely 20 hours!! We now make pay her own phone, travel card & a small contribution to 'board'. We've also set up a direct transfer to a saving account. That still leaves her with $200 a week to spend. It's all proportionate, however. Kids earn a lot here.

I’m genuinely stunned at this mindset that the moment someone turns 18, they need to start paying rent. So grateful my parents never expected that from any of us, and we all left home in mid-late 20s. We would pay our way by doing the grocery, picking up a bill if we saw it, etc but there was never an ask or an expectation.

He’s only just started working, he’s still in education, and his parents want to take 20% of his income? No, that’s wrong. To me, the message that sends is when the parents are older and need help, it will be a loan, conditional help, etc rather than family helping family.

Happy to be shamed away for this post, as I find the concept of charging teens who don’t have a proper job yet rent massively shameful. Never seen it anywhere apart from on here.

I’m genuinely stunned at this mindset that the moment someone turns 18, they need to start paying rent That cannot be true! If it is that means you are genuinely stunned that some families live close to their financial limit and often need all working adults to contribute to family finances.

Yes, it is shameful. Which is why many people don't talk about it. Many of the responses here are a perfect illustration of why many people make great effort to hide their real financial situation!

We were not charged whilst in education. My brother used to work all summer and that kept him for the next year at uni. I worked part time but was expected to cover all my own expenses which was a bit annoying as my friends were all given driving lessons etc. I paid all my fares, driving lessons and test, clothes, shoes, winter coat, going out, toiletries (including decent sanitary protection as my mum bought cheap awful pads that were like nappies), mobile etc. My mum then said, ‘I used to give your gran my full wages and she’d just give me pocket money’ I said ‘ok well I’ll rest my wages to get pain into
Your account but you’ll need to set up a direct debit for my phone, but me my train ticket. Get me money for my driving instructor...,’ she went off the idea.

Wow, a lot of responses, more than expected - thank you MNs.

Like many, COVID has changed a lot for us. We were both relatively high earners (though not as much as many have indicated they get on other threads) and enjoyed a pretty carefree financial life till this year. Have just gone through the UC process having never had to consider benefits previously - answer finally being I get a big fat zero owing to DH earnings. I get this means we earn more than the cut off, however we still earn a very diluted amount compared to previously between both our wages yet with the same outgoings etc. I’ve posted previously that I myself have take. In a job that is seasonal in a supermarket, which pays way less than my previous earnings as a Manager in the industry I worked in all my life until this year. I’m looking for full time but no joy so far.

I know people will say should’ve spent less etc etc but reality is we didn’t and are now paying for that. We are not destitute, but do not have much “free” money for the extras we used to enjoy right now. I could claim child benefit, however have been told it would get deducted from DH wage so what’s the point?

Interesting thoughts from all though, and food for thought for sure!

I wouldn't take money from my kid for "extras".

Is his college full time? If so you are legally obliged to support him. Even if it’s part time I wouldn’t be taking money from my student child’s part time job. Fgs wake up to yourself

@Toilenstripes

Honestly I had never heard of charging rent to children when they turn 18 until I started reading MN. It’s his home and you’re his parents fgs.

This...my parents never took my money, and I still managed to be a fully functional, tax-paying, bill-paying adult perfectly capable of budgeting.

Also from your last post your dh earns more than 60k but you want to take money from your 18 year old student son’s part time wages? Surely you can see that’s not right.

So it's not that you can't pay bills without him, you just miss having the extra disposable income and want him to compensate for it?

@NotPrude totally agree. Never seen this weird attitude irl

I wouldn’t ask but then I never understand the concept of no longer wanting to financially provide for your children because they’re a certain age or have a job. Once he leaves home; then he pays bills.

No I do not think it is fair to take money off him when he is in education and it is only a seasonal job.

No he is at college and it's a seasonal job. If you were really struggling to make rent I could understand but it sounds like life is leaner but the basics are in place?

I would not ask him for money unless he had finished school and had a full time permanent job. At that point I think it is fair to charge board.

@NotPrude no, that’s not the case at all, I’m just providing information based on others asking re benefits etc

As I indicated in my initial post, I feel guilty about asking him as we’ve always gone above and beyond when it comes to our DC, and maybe there’s also embarrassment there too at the thought of even asking as we’ve always covered everything, no question. I’d love to be in the position to cover all his extras but currently am not.

I don’t want the money for me, it was more a question of teaching him about paying his way in the world. I would most likely end up saving it for him for the future, but it has been interesting to see people’s thoughts on that being right/wrong too.

But surely he'll learn to manage his money by paying for driving lessons etc himself? Why would you take money off him? Cut out the middle man and let him take responsibility for his own "extras".

And what you're saying now doesn't really match up with the "we're struggling a bit" narrative.

I wouldn't ask for money unless he was earning a significant amount or he was in a permanent role.
If he was annoying me living at home then I'd be asking for a ridiculous amount towards bills etc to encourage him to move out.
I would however expect him to pay towards broadband, Netflix, Amazon and mobile phone bills etc things that he uses and a small bit towards other bills so he is aware that these things cost money and need to be paid.
I'd create a spreadsheet with the breakdown of costs in it

I'm the biggest advocate of adult children paying keep regardless of financial circumstances but an 18 year old in full time further education should be allowed to keep his wages from a holiday job. He is classed as a dependent and unless you are high income you will be getting child benefit etc for him. In fact I still gave pocket money to my two at that age.

For me, it stops when they leave college to start full time work/apprenticeship/university (though I would not change board for university holiday times)

OP, you framed your question in the sense of you're struggling financially, so it very much sounds like you want him to help with making up what you've lost.

I also don't think you get brownie points because you've "always gone above and beyond" when it comes to your children. They're your children...

By all means expect him to be responsible for his own extras like teh driving lessons, but he shouldn't be funding yours.