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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I’m Fucked?

136 replies

Firelion123 · 16/12/2020 00:18

I’m so stuck - what do I do?

I’m turn 40 this Christmas, I’m single and I would like children

It seems I’ve missed the boat when it comes to a partner. Everyone on OLD seems to be divorced with kids looking for freedom not more. Guys at my age without kids generally don’t want them or seem a bit odd....

It feels like my only option is to go it alone as I don’t have time to wait. I’m bricking it as it feels like that’s it for relationships...what are the chances of finding someone with all that going on? I realise if I go it alone then the child comes first, I’m just feeling sad that the relationship/partnership method seems dead

Has anyone got any experience of this situation? Good stories or bad?

OP posts:
Oliversmumsarmy · 16/12/2020 01:13

If you go it alone it doesn’t mean that there won’t be a relationship in the future.

Original poster
Firelion123 · 16/12/2020 01:19

Thank you - I just didn’t think it would work out this way and I feel stuck between 2 options which don’t feel ok whilst under pressure to make a decision one way or the other

OP posts:
Titsinknicks · 16/12/2020 01:23

What's more important op - a child or a partner? You have all the time in the world to find the latter, the former not so much. One doesn't rule out the other.

If I was financially comfortable I'd consider doing the parent thing alone and hope one day to meet someone.

Do not pin your hopes on meeting someone. It might be two years until you do, then you date for a year or two, then you move in together, then you try... You could be 45

Bagamoyo1 · 16/12/2020 01:28

I had my kids alone, at 38 and 41. Parenthood was all-consuming for 10 years, then I felt ready to date, and I’ve been with my partner for nearly 5 years now.
Of course I’d have preferred to do it the conventional way, but life’s not like that. And I really wanted kids.

FlamedToACrisp · 16/12/2020 01:30

Unfortunately, lots of women who chose to have kids in a relationship find after a few years that they are going it alone anyway. And I'm sure there are lots of divorced men who miss their kids and would be happy with a partner with a child.

In your situation, I would choose one of the 'a bit odd' men, as long as he wasn't utterly repellent, could provide for a family and I felt he was basically on the side of the angels.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/12/2020 01:33

I think you only have one issue to deal with, and that's if you want a child, because at 40 you have zero time to waste. You either choose to go it alone or not have a child. You can find a partner at any age, but your window for having children is quickly closing.

FuckYouCorona · 16/12/2020 01:39

I think you know the answer here. At 40 it could already be too late. I'd get your fertility checked out & eggs frozen asap if they are still good. Flowers

Wandafishcake · 16/12/2020 01:43

Well. I’m sorry but I find @FlamedToACrisp’s reply rather depressing. Don’t just pick somebody just because they aren’t repellant!! I would feel so depressed if somebody settled for me on the basis that I am not repellant!
Just go to a sperm bank (I will admit I don’t know how this works or if they are expensive?), have a child, then look for somebody you love!
Also though, maybe be open minded about fostering / adoption?

Titsinknicks · 16/12/2020 01:46

I would absolutely not choose a crap man as per a pp advice! How terrible. Better off alone. Neither would I freeze my eggs - frankly they are too old. If you're going to go through the egg freezing process you may as well inject some sperm into them and then pop one or two back in and put the remaining embryos on ice

Annoymou5e · 16/12/2020 01:51

You could hang around for a man to end up doing it alone anyway a few years done the line! Go for it

ViciousJackdaw · 16/12/2020 01:56

In your situation, I would choose one of the 'a bit odd' men, as long as he wasn't utterly repellent, could provide for a family and I felt he was basically on the side of the angels

In other words, a spunking wallet. Don't settle for less just so you can have a child. Don't tether yourself to a man you don't love and for crying out loud, don't use another human being just to get one thing you want.

Crustmasiscoming · 16/12/2020 02:15

If you really want kids and you have the means to to it alone, then I would probably take the plunge at 40. It will only get harder the longer that you wait. Relationships don't have these time constraints. You could meet someone at any time in the future.

I wouldn't worry too much about someone not being interested because you have kids. Firstly, if that's the case, they aren't right for you, and secondly, you find that an awful lot of people over 40 have kids anyway, so it will be totally normal and expected.

FortunesFave · 16/12/2020 02:45

My SIL did it alone. She's gay and a close friend volunteered his sperm.

He isn't active as a Father but SIL"s son knows who his Dad is.

She was over 40 when she did it.

She has some regrets...she said "You don't realise how enormous it is until you've got the baby and then it's too late"

Parenting alone is HARD but it's also very fulfilling.

Have a baby if you want one. Do you have support in the form of family? SIL has a LOT of help from her Mum.

ItisRainingAgain · 16/12/2020 02:46

If you want kids and can financially go it alone, then go for it. Reading so many threads on here about women in abusive relationships, or leaving a deadbeat partner but still having to have contact because of the kids - you’re ahead already. Of course the traditional model has two loving parents sharing in parenthood but statistically I’d guess it’s about 50/50 nowadays with kids having their bio parents still together by the time they’re teens.

Don’t feel like life and relationship are passing you by just because you’re 40. Yes, if you want a child you need to get a move on but relationships happen at any point in your life. I was with my ex from ages 17-41, now aged 48 been with new partner for 4 years and heaps better life.

Christmas is a shitty time of year to compare yourself to others and that coupled with covid makes it even more shitty.

Sunbird24 · 16/12/2020 03:12

@Firelion123 I’m very nearly 43 and in the same situation as you. I decided to go it alone, sadly the first embryo transfer ended in a miscarriage, but I’m going to try again in January. I would much rather be doing it the ‘normal’ way, but I didn’t want to have regrets in the future.
You can only make the decision you can live with, it’s worth taking a little time to really consider your options. Get some fertility testing done so that you know where you stand right now, that may help. I was quite lucky (or genetically blessed according to my mum, who takes full credit!) that my AMH and AFC were very favourable for my age. If they’d both been rubbish I would have made a different choice and chucked all my savings at my mortgage instead.

ivfbeenbusy · 16/12/2020 03:58

Just because you don't think a child doesn't need a father doesn't mean that the child won't need one? So many posts lately of women happy to write the role of fathers out of a child's life. Just because we can do something doesn't mean we should. You would be making a selfish decision based solely on your desire to have a baby which will have a lifelong impact on a child

FortunesFave · 16/12/2020 04:13

IveBeenBusy meh. I don't buy that. Having a child with a man is a huge gamble which could easily result in you bringing up a child alone.

When a woman has a baby, she's already committing to devote herself to that child 100%....men...not so much.

Catconfusion · 16/12/2020 04:36

I met my partner at 39 and had our son at 40 so it can happen late, however... I think in your position I’d go it alone. Being a parent is a true gift and such a beautiful experience. There will be time to meet a partner later on. Honestly having a baby is so consuming you will find dating hard for a while but I’d personally rather ensure I wouldn’t miss out on being a mum than meeting a partner. Getting and staying pregnant is a little harder over 40 as well. I had two miscarriages before my son so the sooner you start the better.

Saying that, if you really can’t face going alone, I know of people who’ve had babies in their mid 40s so not impossible if you need more time. I’d get some tests done and see how your fertility is.

I really hope you come up with a plan and find happiness. Xx

Gingerkittykat · 16/12/2020 05:30

I would look at all of the options you can to go it alone.

Even if you met Prince Charming tomorrow on OLD you wouldn't want to get pregnant with a man you didn't know well and by the time you knew him well enough to TTC your fertility will have declined further.

August20 · 16/12/2020 05:35

At forty the clock really is ticking for a child that is biologically yours. You may wish to consider fertility checks to see how you are going.

If OLD is not really working you might consider a more traditional professional matchmaking service. It costs more but also you can be very upfront about what you want.

If you really want a child that is biologically yours you may have to consider going it alone soon.

Thehollyandtheirony · 16/12/2020 05:35

I couldn’t do it alone. If I was single and childless I would seriously consider an arrangement with a gay man. That way your child has a loving father and you would have shared custody so plenty of time to date and get to know potential partners without bringing them into your child’s life.

Cccc1111 · 16/12/2020 05:59

If you can do it financially go for having kids by yourself. Then look for a relationship after if you still want one.

If you’re kind of putting the two wants hand in hand, you risk settling for someone you wouldn’t otherwise want to be with. Or accepting being in an awful relationship, just because you have the I want kids goal in mind. Maybe not consciously, but subconsciously it could drive you to make bad relationship choices.

Take the pressure off of finding a relationship, by taking having kids into your own hands, and do it yourself alone. Then if a relationship later happens it happens.

LaLaLandIsNoFun · 16/12/2020 06:31

A quick read of the relationships board will show you that many many men end up just being a sperm doner and an extra body to make mess and trouble for you to sort out anyway.

Plastichearts · 16/12/2020 06:38

I have a friend who had a child with a donor at the age of 40. Almost ten years on my friend hasn’t met anyone and has found single parenthood hard eg managing to work around childcare but she does have family support.

I think in your situation it’s your last chance so go for it but get cracking.

FippertyGibbett · 16/12/2020 06:42

I know that I couldn’t be childless but I could be partner-less.
If you can afford to go it alone, do.