I’m Fucked?

[Firelion123]

I’m so stuck - what do I do?

I’m turn 40 this Christmas, I’m single and I would like children

It seems I’ve missed the boat when it comes to a partner. Everyone on OLD seems to be divorced with kids looking for freedom not more. Guys at my age without kids generally don’t want them or seem a bit odd....

It feels like my only option is to go it alone as I don’t have time to wait. I’m bricking it as it feels like that’s it for relationships...what are the chances of finding someone with all that going on? I realise if I go it alone then the child comes first, I’m just feeling sad that the relationship/partnership method seems dead

Has anyone got any experience of this situation? Good stories or bad?

I'd prioritise having a child over finding a partner at your age.

Obviously a super happy relationship and 2 incomes (or one and a primary carer) is the ideal but lots of people don't get that - it's not the only way.

Do you have any family support? Is your job secure and are you financially stable? those aspects would help a lot I think.

I have a niece and a friend who were both abandoned whilst pregnant so have always been alone. Neither had regular financial support. The children are teenagers now.

It’s been exceptionally tough finance wise on both of them. They earned the kind of money that isn’t terrible but was just over threshold for extra help. Neither live near family so no local childcare help either.

I think emotionally only you can know. I am very much a head over heart person. Lots of things can go wrong, bereavements, health issues and job losses. But I would not personally not have chosen that route if I knew from the get go I would have been in poverty. My lovely niece never expected to be so hard up when she got PG as had a partner but he just changed hugely when she got PG unfortunately.

So soul search deeply but also get yourself a spreadsheet and work out how you would practically do it finance wise.

A friend of mine had a baby solo at 40, after a bad relationship breakdown. It's hard work being a single parent but she's thrilled. So in love with her wonderful daughter. Sometimes I envy her that she only has to think about herself and the baby, not a partner as well!

When it came to dating my niece always had/has interest because she is a very attractive and witty woman. She had a colleague fall hopelessly in love with her who by her own admission was a fantastic guy but she just didn’t feel the same. So she has dated but just never met anyone special enough for her. My friend has tried but has not dated at all unfortunately. My mother married four times with increasing amounts of children with each marriage. She was not a nice or good person at all but was a breathtakingly physically beautiful woman. The way women look is still valued too much.

Don't panic. You can have a child alone - this doesn't preclude having a relationship in the future. You can look to adoption which isn't the same but may tick a lot of your boxes, and offer boxes you didn't know you wanted to tick.

Have you thought of getting yourself a younger man..?

You're not in the corner you think you're in. If you feel you need to be in a relationship before you have a child, there are options. If you have a child alone, it doesn't mean you have to give all the other stuff up.

I think both partners and children are overrated, but having to a child is more of a lottery and you've got no control over it. You can get a child resembling Kevin from "We need to talk about Kevin". Everyone just assumes their baby will be healthy and angelic, but it's 50/50 at best.

I’ve decided to go it alone, I want a baby and I don’t want to wait forever for a man who isn’t coming.

but I am the only one blessedly free from having an absolute wanker permanently attached to our lives. I make all the decisions

This is indeed a blessing.

It isn't fair to talk about sleepless nights and 'needing support'. My baby slept through from 2 weeks, so I never struggled. Never had any help but I didn't need it! You surely must understand it isn't like that for the majority. At 2 weeks you're supposed to be feeding your baby in the night and waking them to feed them if they don't naturally wake.

I loved being a single parent, didn't have support but I managed and built a career whilst doing so. Not everyone's experience is like that though as not everyone is so lucky.

I know many people in relationships who still feel they need support from others. All children are different as are all parents.

I think the first thing to do as others said is to book in for fertility tests to see what your options are likely to be. I don't think you're f*cked, like others said people meet later in life when they've already had kids etc. So 40 isn't the end for relationships with or without kids.

Given your age and the fact you want kids, I would get a donor and do it alone.

If you don't want kids without a partner to do it with, then you will have to make your peace with the fact it may never happen.

It may even be too late now - many women can have babies over the age of 40, but also, many women can't.

I know many people in relationships who still feel they need support from others. All children are different as are all parents.

This is so true. No two families are alike, and you can't predict what particular challenges a new baby will bring. There are just so many variables.

I have given up on finding a partner till I am in my 60s and they kids are grown. I am hoping for a quality widower

My amazing MiL is an avid app user. From 6 months after she was widowed (late 60s) until now (80s) she's rarely ever been without a LTR (getting shorter in duration sadly because her current dating pool is in their 90s and that age group is dying). She now realistically starts looking around a little when it's obvious that her current partner is rapidly declining in health. (That sounds heartless but makes so much sense in her position.)

@Labobo

There is a 'dating' website for people who want to be parents and are prepared to have a committed, long term platonic relationship with each other and share the child rearing. It's not intended for romance but for parenting. There was an article about it in the Guardian recently and several people found it worked brilliantly for them. That way you are not alone in the experience. Would that be worth considering?

That sounds an interesting idea, but even if you were going to have a child in a platonic relationship then you'd still want to get to know them well and that would take time too. I guess it depends on how much time the OP is willing to gamble with.

@WaterOffADucksCrack I was just trying to give OP a positive story about the early days. So many people just talk about how hard it all is, but it doesn't necessarily have to be sleepless nights and impossible without someone else with you. Every baby is different. OP may have a screaming baby but she could equally have a sleepy baby.

As an aside, my baby didn't want a night feed and I saw no point in waking us both up to do it. She gained weight and ate plenty in the day. I didn't see the point in training her to wake up. She was fine

@immortalstone me too! My DD will be 18 when I'm 60... that's when I'll be thinking about getting a partner 👍

A friend of mine did it alone, she has a beautiful home and a lot of cash-so was able to take 18 months off work and pay for help (cleaner, gardener, childcare). She also has very supportive local family.

I wouldn’t have been able to afford that and actually didn’t want a baby at any price, I wanted the whole package, but fortunately met DH just in time (DD born at 41).

If you want it and can afford it, then do it. But I do think there is more to life than children and don’t quite understand the desire to do it alone. But support anyone that does obviously, I just can’t imagine wanting a baby without a co-parent. Half the pleasure in it is enjoying DD with DH. On my own it would be all slog.

Hmm...well my own parents were 39 and 44 when they had me. Mum then became a lone parent a few years after. Because of her age she just had the one child.

Yes, I was loved and provided for but being the only child of a single, older mum was often lonely. She worked full time in a demanding job so I spent many evenings and school holidays alone or with childminders and random relatives.
My mum was always the oldest out of my friends' mums, by a good decade.
When I was a teenager she was in her 50s and didn't understand the modern world, and couldn't really relate to me so we argued a lot. I was always jealous of my friends who had younger parents who were together, and siblings. I left home as soon as I could and feel very much alone in the world.

My dad died aged 59 from a stroke, right before my GCSEs.
My mum will likely need care when I also have young kids to look after. They may not get much time with granny - by the time I was 6 I had no grandparents left other than one granddad who was bedbound.

I know it's not what you want to hear but I'd seriously think about what life your child will have.

@ChochoCrazyCat

Hmm...well my own parents were 39 and 44 when they had me. Mum then became a lone parent a few years after. Because of her age she just had the one child.

Yes, I was loved and provided for but being the only child of a single, older mum was often lonely. She worked full time in a demanding job so I spent many evenings and school holidays alone or with childminders and random relatives.
My mum was always the oldest out of my friends' mums, by a good decade.
When I was a teenager she was in her 50s and didn't understand the modern world, and couldn't really relate to me so we argued a lot. I was always jealous of my friends who had younger parents who were together, and siblings. I left home as soon as I could and feel very much alone in the world.

My dad died aged 59 from a stroke, right before my GCSEs.
My mum will likely need care when I also have young kids to look after. They may not get much time with granny - by the time I was 6 I had no grandparents left other than one granddad who was bedbound.

I know it's not what you want to hear but I'd seriously think about what life your child will have.

Hands down the major disadvantage of having kids when you are around 40 is that you will not have as long with them (on balance). However, there are now so many people having kids at this age that things have changed - if you (ChochoCrazyCat) were a child now you'd probably find your mum wasn't the oldest out of your friends' mums, or if so only by a year or so. I was 39 when I had my first and I wasn't the oldest parent in my daughter's class.

@FancyAnOlive True, many people do have children older now. It does depend on location though - it's more common in London and major cities. Smaller places in the "provinces"...still most people tend to partner up and have children in the 20-30 age bracket.
Not that this is a reason in itself to not have kids at 40 though.

I live in rural Norfolk and just had my first baby at 40. All four grandparents are fit and healthy in their 70s and very involved with our baby. I am by no means the oldest at baby groups. Most are 35 plus. I consider DH and I young for our years and due to meeting late we’ve had a baby at the soonest opportunity. Most people have something about their childhood that wasn’t ideal. I can’t imagine my son will say it’s having older parents. We’re not much different than younger parents. Loving and caring for your child is the most important thing.

No experience myself but good luck OP! I know you probably want a child of your own but 4 relatives of mine have all fostered and we have had some lovely children in our family. Most moved on but 5 stayed until adulthood and will always be family. I was 13 when I found out my 2 cousins who had been there since I can remember were actually foster children.

Early Forties isn’t that old these days. I do feel strongly that people should think long and hard after about 45/46.

I have a friend who decided to go it alone. I will never forget meeting up with her when the baby was about 4 months old and she was telling me how in her NCT group, there were two women with plonker husbands and how she'd come to the conclusion that actually, doing it alone was EASIER as she didn't expect anything from anyone else and could just do what worked for her. I totally saw her point.

Having said that, my friend is the first to admit that she had significant financial resources to make the experience a lot easier. She had a night nanny for the first 6 weeks, and when she returned to work she was able to hire a full time nanny so that she got the required flexibility etc. She could afford to live in a very central part of town with all the convenience that comes with that and she had private medical insurance which meant when her baby was sick she could get appointments when and where she wanted them.

I rather think that you did make the decision, you don’t get to 40 without thinking along the way you are leaving it too late. And that it fine but own it. At 40 your eggs could be too old anyway, at 36 I was having chemical pregnancies having not had them before with two previous pregnancies.

Having a child is a huge disadvantage to a woman and having one single even more. I have been a single mum and I wouldn’t do it again if I had the choice. Not without a lot of family around me willing to help.