I’m Fucked?

[Firelion123]

I’m so stuck - what do I do?

I’m turn 40 this Christmas, I’m single and I would like children

It seems I’ve missed the boat when it comes to a partner. Everyone on OLD seems to be divorced with kids looking for freedom not more. Guys at my age without kids generally don’t want them or seem a bit odd....

It feels like my only option is to go it alone as I don’t have time to wait. I’m bricking it as it feels like that’s it for relationships...what are the chances of finding someone with all that going on? I realise if I go it alone then the child comes first, I’m just feeling sad that the relationship/partnership method seems dead

Has anyone got any experience of this situation? Good stories or bad?

You could always consider adoption

Speak to women without kids -45+ who did not have kids. I have a theory that not having kids is probably the saddest up until its no longer possible at all and then biology lets the brain have a say and you realise omg i have so much freedom. I can do whatever i want to do. Live where i want to live. Work abroad. You name it.

Put up a post here to ask! Was that a sadness that passed?

Thank you so much for your advice and for sharing your experiences and perspectives - all very interesting and useful

As some have said, I suppose I have ‘chosen’ not to have kids up to now but it has been due to being in relationships with the wrong people. Time has passed quickly and here I am.

First stop is to see what might be possible so I will get on with that. All whilst considering your points on wider impacts of a decision to go it alone

If anyone has any recommendations for clinics then please let me know - I am in the southeast

Thanks again and to anyone going through this dilemma, or to those who feel sadness at making a decision not to go ahead, I send you love and my very best wishes to find happiness on your path x

@Firelion123 come and have a look on the infertility boards under Becoming a Parent. I’m under a CARE Fertility clinic down in the South West but I know there are other ladies closer to you who could give their recommendations

I'm 46, single and never had kids, despite wanting them. After a traumatic divorce in my early thirties, I never met anyone else. Though I'd previously thought it might be an option, I never seriously considered having them alone. I wanted to raise kids as a family and it turns out I didn't want them enough to do it alone.
It does get easier - I found it very distressing as my fertility ran out, but from early forties onwards I've been much more sanguine about it. I make the most of enjoying the things I wouldn't be able to do with kids, e.g. a lot of solo travel and enjoying my own interests, I highly value my freedom. I've pretty much given up the idea of finding a partner and haven't actively tried to date for several years, though I would be totally open if the right person came along.
I certainly have moments of loneliness and regret for what I missed, but I can't do anything about it now and console myself that there are plenty of people miserable with kids and a partner

There are many advantages to going it alone. I wouldn't hesitate

@WiseOwlWan

Speak to women without kids -45+ who did not have kids. I have a theory that not having kids is probably the saddest up until its no longer possible at all and then biology lets the brain have a say and you realise omg i have so much freedom. I can do whatever i want to do. Live where i want to live. Work abroad. You name it.

I would say that is largely true! I still feel it from time to time, but with nowhere near the same intensity. I think you also need to do the work and resolve to make the best of your situation.

What a lovely thread!
I realise vote is over however if you do go ahead and finance allows , seriously considering getting a doula who also does post partum support. The difference in my recovery with first, no doula, and second with support was immense. I bounced back so much more quickly and was much less debilitated, exhausted etc post birth. A breeze no, but hey women are strong!
Buy a huge freezer to fill with 3 months worth of stew you can eat with one hand.
And buy roomba-these should seriously be prescribed with every new baby! Changed my blooming life.

Good luck

I know many single parents who have been on their own before their babies were born and can say they are the happiest bunch of people I know.

They will tell you it is hard work but definitely a lot easier than living in a dreadful relationship.
Most have or have had bfs at some point. I don’t know any of them who have progressed the relationship to them moving in with their partners. They live their independence too much.

If you do decide to go it alone then don’t be scared that you may never have another relationship. Even at 80+ year old, my Dmil has never been short of male attention. Unfortunately they kept dying on her as they were older

@WiseOwlWan

Speak to women without kids -45+ who did not have kids. I have a theory that not having kids is probably the saddest up until its no longer possible at all and then biology lets the brain have a say and you realise omg i have so much freedom. I can do whatever i want to do. Live where i want to live. Work abroad. You name it.

I think this is true. It got so much easier once I wasn't having the monthly reminder and I can honestly say I'm enjoying life childfree and carefree as I turn 60. I also agree with Truthlikeness about working to make the best of your situation.