I’m Fucked?

[Firelion123]

I’m so stuck - what do I do?

I’m turn 40 this Christmas, I’m single and I would like children

It seems I’ve missed the boat when it comes to a partner. Everyone on OLD seems to be divorced with kids looking for freedom not more. Guys at my age without kids generally don’t want them or seem a bit odd....

It feels like my only option is to go it alone as I don’t have time to wait. I’m bricking it as it feels like that’s it for relationships...what are the chances of finding someone with all that going on? I realise if I go it alone then the child comes first, I’m just feeling sad that the relationship/partnership method seems dead

Has anyone got any experience of this situation? Good stories or bad?

@Cam77

Interesting some of the responses. Seeing as the prevailing view these days is that one can parent basically be as good as two (not necessarily disagreeing by the way) what does that spell for the future structure of human society. Why bother with the stressful dating game, the rush to find a suitable match before 35/40 etc, the endless martial arguments and struggles, 40% divorce rates etc if it can be done alone? Money sure - two salaries beat one. But in a more prosperous future where wealth was fairly evenly distributed what would be the point of traditional couples?

Interesting question: increasingly I think there is less and less point to traditional couples.

Marriage is basically an insurance policy for a non-working spouse (usually the woman). But generally, money aside, its not a great arrangement for women as they tend to get left with the bulk of domestic and child-rearing tasks and their careers suffer. It's not great for relationships long-term either.

I think the optimal scenario for children to be raised is by a wealthy, independent single mother who has support in place. Obviously at the moment this is a minority for women but as women work more and become wealthier and more independent I would argue that the traditional couple is becoming more and more outdated.

I can see why it makes financial sense for most women to have the support of a wealthier man and probably provides more stability for the children. But emotionally and in terms of fulfilment and freedom, marriage is a pretty raw deal for women.

I would
Choose children over a partner but that’s my viewpoint. I’d also rather go it alone than not have children at all.

Wishing you all the luck with it

I would absolutely not have been able to have my babies alone. It's relentless and the early weeks/months nearly broke me, and this was in a loving relationship, very much wanted baby with no severe health problems and my mum "happy to help out" (in reality not much practical help!)

Clearly loads of women do it alone... but i don't know how! I wouldn't have been able to sleep or eat without my dh on hand!

Ideasplease322 you've explained quite well my concerns about doing it alone (in addition to the financial aspect). Feel really sad that that means I won't have children though.

I went it alone, had my first at 39 and second at 41. It's bloody hard, especially as both my two have special needs. But I don't regret it! I haven't had a relationship since however as I can't get out of the house very easily - it's only recently they've been able to be looked after by a babysitter (they are now 13 and 11) Also I don't want a relationship anyway, what I crave is PEACE AND QUIET and being alone! If I were you I'd ring up and make an initial appointment today as process can take many months, and you can always drop out if you change your mind.

Geni33 I know. And some people can do it brilliantly alone - so I’m not bashing them. I jUst know i would need the support of a partner.

I would also feel like I wasn’t enough for the child and would always worry they needed a dad. My dad is amazing and was very involved.

I have accepted my decision and am quite content now to be involved auntie.

I had support from friends when my babies were tiny which was invaluable - you do need support. Have a look at Donor Conception Network - they are great and have a single women support group who have meet ups and you can talk to someone there who will put you in contact with people who've done it. But if you decide not to do it, that's fine too and you can have an amazing life - I do sometimes think wistfully about the things I could do if I didn't have them and because mine both have special needs I will be unlikely ever to do them which is sad. But you take your choice!

@FortunesFave

My SIL did it alone. She's gay and a close friend volunteered his sperm.

He isn't active as a Father but SIL"s son knows who his Dad is.

She was over 40 when she did it.

She has some regrets...she said "You don't realise how enormous it is until you've got the baby and then it's too late"

Parenting alone is HARD but it's also very fulfilling.

Have a baby if you want one. Do you have support in the form of family? SIL has a LOT of help from her Mum.

I feel sorry for your SIL’s son. He knows who his dad is but his dad doesn’t want to get involved in his life? Talk about rejection issues.

A friend of mine did it alone - funded herself and now has 2 year old twins. If you really want it, you will find a way.

In your position I think I would choose going it alone. I did all the feeds, nights and days with my first, and sometimes I actually preferred being on my own with them than when my DH interfered! I totally could have managed by myself, even though my 1st did not consistently sleep through until they were nearly 3, so I was utterly exhausted at times. I also went back to work full time when they were 8 months, so nursery (whilst very expensive) was a real life line and support. I don't have parents who help out. Yes I was tired, and sometimes I cried with the baby; but my goodness I loved every minute. Holding a newborn in the middle of the night is one of the greatest feelings in the world.

Now having two kids however... I'm not sure I could have done that on my own. You really do need extra support and someone to help with the eldest while you nurse the baby etc.

But whatever you decide... good luck. It's not an easy decision, and I imagine going it alone could at times feel very lonely. I would also want to be confident I was financially secure before embarking on it. But equally being a mother... well my children are the greatest loves of my life.

There is a 'dating' website for people who want to be parents and are prepared to have a committed, long term platonic relationship with each other and share the child rearing. It's not intended for romance but for parenting. There was an article about it in the Guardian recently and several people found it worked brilliantly for them. That way you are not alone in the experience. Would that be worth considering?

I had a partner when I had my children, but even so, when my dd was born, I still had the experience another poster mentioned above - of suddenly realising the whole weight of what I'd done! I realised that now, if I died, my dd would be traumatised. It felt like a huge responsibility to have to make sure I stayed alive until she grew up! Even knowing that unless we were very unlucky, she would probably still have a dad left.

I haven't been in exactly your situation, but it's the human situation, isn't it? Going through life realising that, as you get older, certain routes are now cut off to you. Coming to terms with it.

@mabelandivy - my heart goes out to the woman who has twins alone. I hope she is made of strong stuff. That must be unbelievably tough.

Just because you don't think a child doesn't need a father doesn't mean that the child won't need one? So many posts lately of women happy to write the role of fathers out of a child's life. Just because we can do something doesn't mean we should. You would be making a selfish decision based solely on your desire to have a baby which will have a lifelong impact on a child

@ivfbeenbusy
that's a staggeringly blinkered and biased viewpoint. Many many children are raised without fathers - loads of men walk out or renege on their responsibilities. Women are perfectly capable of raising a child alone. What matters most is that the child is wanted. The OP's child would be wanted. And what's the alternative for the child? That they don't exist at all?

OP - it's not a selfish act at all, to long for someone to exist and to give life to them.

And what's the alternative for the child? That they don't exist at all?
The child doesn't exist, so how would this be a bad alternative?

Having a child is always a selfish act, however many people are involved. We do it because we want a family, not because a child wants to be born.

Put yourself in the future - 10 years time. Do you think you’d massively regret not having had children? Or do you think you will have come to terms with it? If the former, then absolutely go for it. 40 is plenty of time to find a partner, and that can still happen, even if you have a child already. There’s loads of 40 plus women who already have children, might be widowed or divorced, and find love again. Go for it!

It’s a tough one OP. I understand the perfectly normal desire to have a child, particularly when you’re pretty much nearing the end of your fertility, but you really need to plan properly if you’re going to go it alone. Being a single mum isn’t easy, as PP have mentioned. It saps your time, money and energy. I know! Although I wasn’t single through choice. You need a really good support network to help out when you need to pick the child from school, or they’re off school sick etc. Obviously much easier to do these things with 2 parents.

“Unfortunately, lots of women who chose to have kids in a relationship find after a few years that they are going it alone anyway. And I'm sure there are lots of divorced men who miss their kids and would be happy with a partner with a child”

This 100%

‘I think the optimal scenario for children to be raised is by a wealthy, independent single mother who has support in place. Obviously at the moment this is a minority for women but as women work more and become wealthier and more independent I would argue that the traditional couple is becoming more and more outdated’

My father died when l was 4. I never knew him. It’s a loss l have felt all my life. I disagree with this statement so much.

A child needs 2 parents.

Hi for it alone and don't worry about the fairy tale. Take a look at the relationship boards on here and you will see scores and scores of women who have have babies with nasty and abusive man children; who they then spend decades appeasing and feeling guilty about being abused.

I'm not going to say that's every couples life - of course, and I speak as part of a well adjusted couple myself, but juggling a relationship and a child is difficult. Having a child is difficult too, but it has its freedoms.

Should you then meet a partner, and as you say, being a bit older, probably one with kids, take good note of what his relationship with his kids is, and take that as a good indicator of character. I have several friends who have been extremely happily single parents and also blended families are joyful . Older kids in blended families I know very much value their step siblings (a relatives step siblings adult kids live together as three in a house share)

Family means all sorts

How selfish - it isnt about you it is about the child

I think you should be very honest with yourself. Have you always wanted children or do you just feel desperate for one now because you see 40 looming and you know it's now or never? (which is completely understandable). I know you are single, but I presume you've been in relationships in the past, so if you've always wanted children, I wonder why you chose not to have a child sooner. The circumstances may not have been ideal before, but they're not ideal now either, so what has changed, apart from the fact that time is running out? Don't underestimate the upheaval a child will cause to your life. Being childless isn't the end of the world, and neither is being single. Whatever you choose to do I wish you all the best.

There's a site for women who want kids to meet men who want kids - potentially not for romantic relationship but coparent

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/oct/31/i-wanted-to-meet-a-mate-and-have-a-baby-without-wasting-time-the-rise-of-platonic-co-parenting

I wish I had done it alone! A surprise pregnancy at 42 with a man I barely knew turned into a disastrous 3-year relationship when we tried to make it work because we had a child.

In hindsight I should have done it alone from the beginning.

It isn't fair to talk about sleepless nights and 'needing support'. My baby slept through from 2 weeks, so I never struggled. Never had any help but I didn't need it!

I'd say go for it! The love for my DD is more than I need in my life. I'm happily single. Having a child took away all the sadness and desperation of looking for a partner. I actually feel I'm in a far better place mentally to find a partner when I'm ready, in my own time, now that the maternal craving/ticking clock has gone.

My view is that you will need to separate the issues.
Before you get ahead of yourself you will need to check your fertility. Assuming that is ok then look into the options you have for fertility treatment and the cost.
In tandem you can still go out and hopeful meet someone or not as the case maybe.
Don't put too much pressure on the last part though, its better to go it alone than rush and be with the wrong person.