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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I’m Fucked?

136 replies

Firelion123 · 16/12/2020 00:18

I’m so stuck - what do I do?

I’m turn 40 this Christmas, I’m single and I would like children

It seems I’ve missed the boat when it comes to a partner. Everyone on OLD seems to be divorced with kids looking for freedom not more. Guys at my age without kids generally don’t want them or seem a bit odd....

It feels like my only option is to go it alone as I don’t have time to wait. I’m bricking it as it feels like that’s it for relationships...what are the chances of finding someone with all that going on? I realise if I go it alone then the child comes first, I’m just feeling sad that the relationship/partnership method seems dead

Has anyone got any experience of this situation? Good stories or bad?

OP posts:
yorkie99 · 16/12/2020 07:04

I could have written this 18 months ago, now I have an 8 month old baby and I’m more happy than I’ve ever been! The desire to find a relationship has receded and I feel more empowered than sad now about doing it alone. I really struggled to come to terms with it too when I was first pregnant. There’s a really good community of solo parents by choice out there too, it’s much more common than I realised. Good luck!

IdblowJonSnow · 16/12/2020 07:12

If you can afford it then go it alone. As for staying single forever, well how many couples divorce and then go on to meet other partners? Don't let that put you off.

Do you have family and close friends to help you out? Thst might be a factor in deciding as the first bit is very tiring and demanding.

Many dads I know are useless anyway, with the mums doing most of the work and then looking after their husband too. And you won't have cope with annoying in laws either!

Good luck!

Minniem2020 · 16/12/2020 07:21

What @FippertyGibbett said is exactly how I feel too

TramaDollface · 16/12/2020 07:29

@FlamedToACrisp

Unfortunately, lots of women who chose to have kids in a relationship find after a few years that they are going it alone anyway. And I'm sure there are lots of divorced men who miss their kids and would be happy with a partner with a child.

In your situation, I would choose one of the 'a bit odd' men, as long as he wasn't utterly repellent, could provide for a family and I felt he was basically on the side of the angels.

You think she should be, what, a sperm digger?
Gigheimer · 16/12/2020 07:33

Go for the baby via sperm doner, they last longer than any man!

seethingsdifferently · 16/12/2020 07:35

I did it alone at age 36. Will be 50 next year and only now feeling that I could even think about the possibility of dating. Alot of stuff happened after I had my dc. My parents got ill, my ds diagnosed with autism. Now he is a teenager and one remaining parent in good health things are easier. I don't think I would choose to do it alone but it depends on your circumstances.

madcatladyforever · 16/12/2020 07:36

I brought up my son alone. My friend had one recently with donor. We both did very well. Its less stress having a child without a man in my opinion

Cam77 · 16/12/2020 07:42

Interesting some of the responses. Seeing as the prevailing view these days is that one can parent basically be as good as two (not necessarily disagreeing by the way) what does that spell for the future structure of human society. Why bother with the stressful dating game, the rush to find a suitable match before 35/40 etc, the endless martial arguments and struggles, 40% divorce rates etc if it can be done alone? Money sure - two salaries beat one. But in a more prosperous future where wealth was fairly evenly distributed what would be the point of traditional couples?

Cam77 · 16/12/2020 07:44

@madcatladyforever
I guess if you are wealthy enough that may be the case, though the opposite would surely hold true as well. Alternatively, perhaps you’ve just attracted crap men?

Gemi33 · 16/12/2020 07:44

Hi OP

I really sympathise, I am 37 and relationships have just never worked out. I feel like I have missed my chance too. I am having the same experience with OLD. I really don't want to do it alone and I also worry about the financial aspect so I'm not sure that I can....if you can then it might be the best thing, but I know it's not easy.

xx

zafferana · 16/12/2020 07:51

In your situation, I would choose one of the 'a bit odd' men, as long as he wasn't utterly repellent, could provide for a family and I felt he was basically on the side of the angels.

I absolutely WOULDN'T do that! Why on earth would you want to saddle yourself with someone who is odd, just in order to get his sperm for free?

OP you have no time to waste. Personally, if DC were the most important thing to me right now I would be 100% trying to get pregnant in the next year. For some women, 40 is already too late, but many do conceive after 40, so get on with it - like right now. There is no harm in continuing to date throughout the process, but put conception front and centre in your life.

Al1langdownthecleghole · 16/12/2020 07:54

What’s your support network like?

Going down the alone route is doable, but likely to have better outcomes if you have support that will allow you to support your child.

I’m thinking about a friend to come over so you can have a bath in peace, a fellow parent to call at 3 in the morning, when your child has a minor illness and you need another adult to reassure you, back up childcare for when you have an important work event and your child has vomitted and can’t go to the childminder.

All the above is doable, but to go alone, I think you need better support to make it work and keep your sanity.

Lovemusic33 · 16/12/2020 07:57

I would go down the donor route. I’m almost 39 and single, if I wanted another child (I have considered it) I think I would happily go down the donor route and raise the child on my own. If it’s that important to you then I think you should do it.

I have been dating on and off for years and find the opposite to you, most guys in there early 40’s have very young children or they want children, this is why I’m single, I don’t want someone with small children and I don’t want to feel I have to have a baby for someone because they haven’t got any children.

shelbyrae · 16/12/2020 07:58

Hey, I was in a relationship and we had a surprise baby. The relationship didn't last but I knew I wanted a family with kids. So I'm having another baby now with a private donor.

Like other people have said it doesn't mean there won't be a relationship in future. It might actually be easier to find someone if you've already got the baby, that means there's nothing to decide and there won't be any pressure, you can just enjoy it.

CornedBeef451 · 16/12/2020 08:01

I have found the relationship with my children far more rewarding than any romantic one.

mistermagpie · 16/12/2020 08:05

In your position I would go it alone if I could. A friend did via ivf and it's been hard but she's so glad she went for it.

One thing to consider at your age though (it's my age too, so I'm not being mean!) is that you have a higher chance of a baby with disabilities. You do need to ask yourself if you could cope with that alone.

hoodiemum · 16/12/2020 08:06

A friend of mine found her partner largely because of the child she had on her own. Definitely not an either/or - although the first year is likely to be pretty relentless unless you have family/friends nearby who will be very involved.

Sewsosew · 16/12/2020 08:09

I know someone did it but they were 50, personally I would do it sooner than later.
She actually met someone when her DC was small and they are together 10 years later (although he is even older so it’s not ideal).

randomer · 16/12/2020 08:09

Perhaps it's not for you, having children.

IndiaMay · 16/12/2020 08:14

It might just be me but I dont think it's a big deal nowadays to 'go it alone'. In my office there are 2 women who have had sperm bank families (although they both started having them at 35) and my mums friend who is 37 is due any day having done the same. It might be worth listening to Giovanna Fletchers Happy Mum Happy Baby podcast. The episode with 'Liv's Alone' (this is what the lady calls herself on instagram - also worth checking out). Liv had a sperm bank baby and talks about the steps and processes she took in depth. If I remember rightly there is financial info too.

Ideasplease322 · 16/12/2020 08:24

Think very carefully about going it alone. What support do you have? Are you up for all those sleepless nights alone?

Easing small children is tough. I thought about doing it alone and decided against it. Not for me. I would find it overwhelming, lonely and I personally wouldn’t want to deliberately deprive my children of a second parent.

That is just a personal view and everyone is different- but it is a huge decision

Ideasplease322 · 16/12/2020 08:25

Raising not easing

RosesAndHellebores · 16/12/2020 08:28

If you have plenty if money and support and can afford a child alone then fine. Providing you can 100% fund this decision, go for it.

Children are wonderful but please do this with your eyes open. They get sick, they need you in the night and whilst it is 110% rewarding it's also 110% full on.

My other concern op (and I say this as someone who had her last at not far off 40) is whether you have siblings who, if anything were to happen to you, would be able to really and truly help in the event of debilitating illness or indeed a terminal illness. You have to have a realistic back up for the sake of the child.

Meanwhile what else do you have in your life that may be fulfilling if this doesn't for some reason happen. Book club, choir, political party, bridge, drama group, etc. I think those things are very important and regardless of a man or a chasm filled with a child provide a well lived life.

Personally, in your shoes I'd do some of the above and get a dog.

thepeopleversuswork · 16/12/2020 08:28

In some ways I think its probably easier to separate the two. Having children puts huge huge pressure on a relationship and only the very strongest relationships survive this intact.

If I had my time again I would probably go it alone and try to find a partner after the hardest bit of child-rearing was out of the way.

As others have said if your key priority now is to have a child, don't muddy the waters by trying to find someone who ticks all boxes now.

WiseOwlWan · 16/12/2020 08:33

That must be very tough to accept. You can meet somebody but the children issue, that is a chapter that has to be re written and digested and accepted. Be kind to yrslf and have faith that you will accept the re write and you will be happy with the new life even though it is not the one you anticipated. It may take a few years to fully process it. 🍷