I’m Fucked?

[Firelion123]

I’m so stuck - what do I do?

I’m turn 40 this Christmas, I’m single and I would like children

It seems I’ve missed the boat when it comes to a partner. Everyone on OLD seems to be divorced with kids looking for freedom not more. Guys at my age without kids generally don’t want them or seem a bit odd....

It feels like my only option is to go it alone as I don’t have time to wait. I’m bricking it as it feels like that’s it for relationships...what are the chances of finding someone with all that going on? I realise if I go it alone then the child comes first, I’m just feeling sad that the relationship/partnership method seems dead

Has anyone got any experience of this situation? Good stories or bad?

Giningit - I know quite a few single women and lesbian couples who conceived via friends/known donors who are known to the children but not involved as parents - this really can and does work, of course there can be problems as in any parenting relationship, but I know families with grown up children who have done this and it has worked for them.

Was in the exact same position as you op. Had the frozen sperm bought and clinic ready. Went on one last date and... met the love of my life one week after my 40th birthday. Two years we are about to do ivf together. Couldn’t imagine not being with him and excited for what the next chapter will hopefully bring. I’m happy I took the risk and in reality I don’t think I could have coped having a baby on my own - re lack of funds and family support etc

*almost two years on. I’m not 42 yet!

One other thing, you should prepare yourself that maybe time has slipped by. There are other options though- including fostering and adoption

I have two friends, similar age to you who were in the same position. Both have own homes and good careers.
The first had a FWB who she had a baby with. When the baby was a few weeks old ex and a friend turned up on her doorstep demanding it was "his turn" now and baby would live with him. She was terrified and had to get police involved.
The second family member is going through the adoption process. So far so good!

Agree with @Cheeseandwin5 they are separate issues and having made the very firm decision to go solo. I dated very very ruthlessly and a lot. That date was number 79! Be clear on what you want and go for it! Clearly the pandemic doesn’t help!

Also, when my kids were tiny it was hard as everyone else was coupled up, but now mine are older (oldest is 13) there are quite a few kids who don't have any contact with their dads and loads who don't live with them. Hardest bit is when one of them is ill or if I am ill.

Ideasplease322 really pleased to hear that you are content where you are, that's a nice place to me. I am still really struggling with it and feel so sad. Even if I wanted to go it alone financially I'm not sure that I could and I don't have much of a support network around me either so I just don't think it would work. But I'm absolutely gutted to know I won't have a child.

In an ideal world, a child would have 2 parents.

However, even if you set out to have a baby with a partner, there is no guarantee that both parents will continue to parent that baby to adulthood. The relationship could well break down, or one parent could die.

In some ways having a baby on your own is easier - there is no other parent to come and go from the child's life, to be an inconsistent and/or distressing presence.

I had a child on my own in my 20s. I don't regret it for a second, indeed I found the subsequent experience of having a child with a partner 'on the scene' to be far harder. I had no family, a few friends around but again I don't think there has to be this massive 'support network' that is often harped on about on here. If you have friends, relatives, then that's great but if not, you'll make do.

I think the financial aspect is probably the most critical one - I saved during pregnancy so that I could afford to pay my mortgage and bills for up to a year after my child was born and take that long off work (no paid mat leave), in the event I went back to work after 8-9 months.

I know a couple of women in the OP's position. One is single, would have liked to have a child alone, but could not afford to do so. The other wanted a partner more than a baby. She met her partner at 39, they are now married and in their late 40s. He was never that keen on children and basically kept saying he was on the fence about it as a delaying tactic. Their time has effectively now run out; at 45 she was still saying that hopefully they'd start trying for a baby next year. I think now she must accept that it's too late (unless they went down an IVF route which I don't think they would do). It is sad but that's the choice she made.

How selfish - it isnt about you it is about the child

For many many people Cosey, it was about a shag, and then a child was the result. Don't be a twat.

You could meet the love of your life at the age of 75, that's not something you can rush, or order, as you know.

If you want a child, focus on that. You could try the dating-to-co-parent site, though I'd be wary about some of the men who might be enthusiastic about that. Make it your new year's resolution to start making enquiries about sperm banks, etc.

*However, even if you set out to have a baby with a partner, there is no guarantee that both parents will continue to parent that baby to adulthood. The relationship could well break down, or one parent could die.

In some ways having a baby on your own is easier - there is no other parent to come and go from the child's life, to be an inconsistent and/or distressing presence.*

But there is the issue of what happens to the child if something happens to you.

Have you ever had counselling and discussed this?
To find out what it is that you hoping to fix by having a child?
Is there a feeling you hope will go away when you have a child.
Are you lonely in general? Is it Christmas that intensifies this feeling when you compare yourself to others so called 'perfect' lives?
A child may not take away this feeling you are having.

You could meet a lovely man and still not have a child. I think you could gain a lot by discussing it with someone skilled in this area.
Many of the fertility clinics have specialist therapists they refer people to who counsel people who have difficulties in their journey to have a baby. A therapist like that might help a lot whichever direction you take.

I decided to go it alone and now have 3 year old DD. I can honestly say that I've never had even a fleeting moment of regret, even when things have been tough.

I realised that having a child wasn't something I was willing to give up on and would rather put relationships on the back burner to prioritise becoming a parent.

Being in a relationship is overrated. Having a child isn’t.

Most people talking about how tough it is are talking about multiple children. One child in a single parent family is so so different to children.

If you have nieces and nephews, your friends have children and your child will be socialising and growing up with other children around them then one child will not be the same as some of these harder experiences you're hearing about.

I was single when I had my (only) child. His Dad is in his life but he is a vain, selfish manipulative glory hunter. He brings nothing to the table.
Knowing my child now and how full his life is and would still be without his Dad's presence I wish I'd used a sperm donor.

The most difficult thing for us is navigating his Fathers behaviour.

If I was you I’d do it alone. Don’t settle for a shit relationship. Good luck.

I would have a child and wait for relationship to happen .

If you are sure you want kids in your life, you need to do it now. But be realistic - it took DH and I over a year to have a successful pregnancy and we’re 30. At your age, it might not happen at all, it might take years, it might end in miscarriage. I’d also consider adoption in parallel.

My cousin had a baby alone at 34 and met her now DH about 5 years later. They’re very happy and had another baby when she was 40.

My dearest friend now 50 lives with constant regret at not going it alone with having a child. She has a lovely life and is absolutely loved and has loads of friends and family and young people in her life, but she wishes she had been braver or more prepared to compromise on the idea of the whole package in her later 30s early 40s.

A partner can come later. I also know lots of people who have met the person they want to share their life with, in their 50s and 60s, or as a single parent.

Don’t just pick somebody just because they aren’t repellant!! I would feel so depressed if somebody settled for me on the basis that I am not repellant!

I don't know why, but that really made me laugh!

OP, I actually heard a line of Dr Who which I found really helpful, ' 'sometimes you have no good choices but you still need to make a choice.'

That's your situation.

I am older than you, late 40's with two young kids. I do still get male interest on the dating scene, until they find out I have young kids. I can actually see the look of horror cross their faces. There is no doubt that having kids makes it harder to find a partner - as you know.

You need to think about what support you have if you have children, especially if you have a child with additional needs of any sort. You need to think about how resilient you are to manage by yourself, in terms of finances, stamina, personality, social resources etc.

Stop fucking about. Get yourself to a private clinic this week, get all your tests done before Christmas. Decide whether, after Christmas, you have a baby via straight ivf or other methods. The clinician's results will help you decide. This time next year, you'll have a baby.

Only thing I would say, apologies if I am offended anyone here, but I used to work in a nursery and it breaks my heart when little babies are there from 8 a.m. until 6 p.m. They attach to the Nursery worker, because they are their main caregiver, and cry when they are taken away from them. So if you do decide to go it alone, really think about this aspect. Reduce hours, mum (or someone you love and trust) looking after them etc. Sorry, just wanted to mention something that can be overlooked and has a big impact on the child's emotional development xxxx good luck OP. A mummy next Christmas...go for it!!! X

Two of my friends had kids with selfish manipulative arseholes - now all three of us live alone with our kids but I am the only one blessedly free from having an absolute wanker permanently attached to our lives. I make all the decisions. Yes the 'what happens if I die' question is scary, however it's simple and I made a will setting up my best friend as guardian. My two friends are terrified of anything happening to them as their kids will go to their exes - I'd much rather my kids were parented by my lovely friend than by some complete tosser.

@Coriandersucks

Being in a relationship is overrated. Having a child isn’t.

Absolutely x

A partner can come later. I also know lots of people who have met the person they want to share their life with, in their 50s and 60s

Cos I am an older mum with young kids I have given up on finding a partner till I am in my 60s and they kids are grown. I am hoping for a quality widower