Argh! Present from DM! AIBU?

[KangaRooMama]

I need some advice as I don’t know how to respond to this and don’t know if I’m overreacting. There is kinda two parts to it.

I got home this afternoon to a amazon parcel delivery from my DM. The parcel was addressed to DS name, my maiden name. This has upset me as this has never been, nor ever will be his name. I feel that this is blatant show of disrespect to me and DH and our marriage. I also feel that this disrespect is solely kept for us as DM would NEVER send a parcel addressed to DNephew, DSIL maiden name as that isn’t their name.

Additionally it actually said on the box what the contents of it was - the puppy toy in the picture. I have overtly said it that I do not like noisy, tacky, plastic toys like this on more than one occasion, but this is just ignored. Last Christmas DS was only about 7 weeks old and DM bought him the robot pictured. I cannot stand it and it hasn’t been played with in a year. This year I was determined to avoid this situation and made DS a fairly extensive Amazon wish list with various things at a range of prices for family to pick from. But again this has been ignored by DM.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind people choosing something not from the list for DS, but feel that to choose a gift that is the exact kind of thing I have said I don’t like/want to be very disrespectful. This was on top of the disrespect I’d felt from the address label. So felt like a bit of a double whammy.

For clarity, if you have any of the toys pictured, and your kids enjoy them, that’s great, this is just my own personal choice.

Unless there is a huge backstory you sound like a bit of a nightmare.

Even with the 'backstory' you sound like a nightmare.

The what's app message ... seriously?! Your DM is correct to ignore you.

It is weird she uses the wrong surname. I'm sure you're right about it being linked to a dislike of your DH. That's crap. But you're handling of being sent a perfectly nice toy for your DS & creating an Amazon wish list ... catch yourself on.

@Ideasplease322
"I suppose it was I the context. You can call a kids toy tacky because you have studied child development.

You accuse your mum of being a snob- but you made that comment to make a point that you are more qualified than most to understand child’s development and toys."

I've been considering this comment for a while, and don't really understand why this is your attitude. If someone posted on here about a medical problem, and a poster gave them advice saying they were a doctor, would you also slate them for implying they are more qualified? I worked really hard on my qualifications, so don't think I should feel bad about knowing more about a particular subject I studied. There are plenty of subjects I know very little about!

My MIL addresses all our cards to Mr & Mrs X (husband's last name). Not my name. Drives me nuts

@KangaRooMama- at just over a year your DC has an extensive Amazon wishlist?

As you have studied child development I'm sure you understand that one toy that makes noises and flashes or whatever it does will not hinder your child's development in any way, shape or form. You will still be interacting with your child as you would have done if they had the toy or not. Because of this, why is it an issue if your child plays with the dog toy?

[quote KangaRooMama]@whatkatydid2013 "While a lot of people think it’s snobby to dislike electronic toys there is research that suggests it’s better for your child’s language development to play with more traditional toys with you."
This is my feeling about it, and hence my dislike. Having studied child development and the EYFS, my understanding was that children don't learn language passively like this, they need a adult to give them context to help them understand it. So a child may be able to parrot back the word "green" or "circle" because the bloody puppy says it, but with no understanding of what that word actually means. Having now opened the amazon box, the packaging for the bloody puppy actually says "teaches baby over 100 first words" and it just makes me want to shout "NO IT DOESN'T!" I've known families through my job where the child has delayed speech and the majority had primarily accessed language like this with little parental input.
But if people feels that makes me a snob, then that's fine. [/quote]
You know, the two aren't mutually exclusive. You can play with more traditional toys with him AND let him play with the puppy. You can even play with the puppy with him and help him understand what the words actually mean. HTH.

Sometimes op, toys can just be about fun and not learning. You sound like hard work.

I understood you being upset about the name thing.

But you need to get a grip about the gifts bought. They may be noisy and annoying but they’ll bring your baby lots of joy, will help him learn and provide plenty of age appropriate stimulation. Unless the gift is inappropriate, it’s unreasonable to expect others to choose from your wish list, the gift is for your child, not you. Plus, part of the fun is choosing a gift you think the recipient would enjoy, no fun at all in just picking from a list, might as well send you a bank transfer and have done with it.

WhereverIGoddamnLike
That comment assumes that parents who give their children electronic toys walk off and dont play with them. How does that track?

I played with my kids. Whatever toy they had. I didn't sling a talking puppy at them and walk off.
Exactly..the OP sounds so accusatory and so judgemental. Let's see how she feels when she has 2 kids....

It’s not that people do anything like that. Basically the research I read about recorded parents playing with their young kids with a variety of things and looked at which things got the most parent/child spoken interaction. They found adults speak and interact with kids the least when playing with toys that talk, they interact the most reading books (very unsurprisingly) but next best was things like building blocks. It wasn’t a massive study and I doubt it makes a huge difference. It quite likely makes very little to be honest. Still if you hate electronic talking toys it would suggest you aren’t doing any harm to your smalls by banning them. I have two who are 6 1/2 and 4 1/2 and I still really hate those toys and we still don’t have them in the house beyond a talking Woody from Toy Story and a Lego piano that plays tunes from an app (though that’s really more their dads). It’s more a case that I think it’s not true you are being mean to your kids and depriving them of something by not having the toys than that you are doing them harm by having them. Suspect OP may well feel the same.

@Clymene

Send it back to her, tell her you never want to hear from her again. Job done.

Will probably be a relief all round.

FFS. This is her mother. A mother who probably simply wrote the surname she's used to writing, and who, perfectly reasonably, chose her own Christmas present for her grandchild.

And you're suggesting OP disowns her completely?

@whatkatydid2013 dang I wish I could phrase things like you. Can you be my advocate?

no fun at all in just picking from a list, might as well send you a bank transfer and have done with it.

Yep. If my daughter has some ideas of what my GD would like, great. But giving is supposed to be a pleasure, as well as receiving. So I might well buy something I think my GD would like, as well.

YABU, it’s just one toy in your DC’s whole collection.

Let your DM buy her GC toys without rules and instruction and be happy that she’s thinking of you.

Definitely overreacting on both points.

On the name - it's easily done. It's your child so she has written your maiden name out of habit.

With the gift, it's for your child and not you. Just be grateful she has sent a gift. You can always donate it somewhere in a few months when your child has outgrown it if you hate it that much.

No toy will delay speech and language, if you play with it together, and talk about it, though.

And some children have an excellent understanding of language, but struggle with speech. And in that situation, repeated jokes, silly poems, and copying the funny phrase a toy says are exactly what you want. Because you know what your child is saying, you are sharing a joke, and communicating without having to ask them to repeat it, without getting it only on the 3rd hearing when they’re already frustrated.

Most children enjoy noisy toys, and poking a stick into a puddle in equal amounts. They rarely play with things the way you imagine.
Presents from people who wind you up will wind you up, and that’s ok.

You sound delightful 🤔☹️

I doubt your pfb will have delayed speech if he has a wee play with these toys, he’s hardly going to be reliant on them to learn to speak with you as a mum; being so on the ball regards development etc 😉

I think that you are over reacting here. Could it be that the use of your maiden name is because she wants to signal that he is her grandchild. As for the toys, they are age appropriate and your DS would probably prefer them to some tasteful looking wooden toy. I think that you're being rather grumpy tbh.

[quote KangaRooMama]@Ideasplease322
"I suppose it was I the context. You can call a kids toy tacky because you have studied child development.

You accuse your mum of being a snob- but you made that comment to make a point that you are more qualified than most to understand child’s development and toys."

I've been considering this comment for a while, and don't really understand why this is your attitude. If someone posted on here about a medical problem, and a poster gave them advice saying they were a doctor, would you also slate them for implying they are more qualified? I worked really hard on my qualifications, so don't think I should feel bad about knowing more about a particular subject I studied. There are plenty of subjects I know very little about! [/quote]
I know this will make you crosser - but I don’t think studying child development is the same as being a medical doctor. You may counter that you have a phd in child development but I still don’t think it qualifies to you to say a toy is tacky. It sounds more like a personal opinion - or cherry picking research.

And I am concerned that your course taught you that a single electronic toy would be detrimental to your child’s language development. In my experience, the more qualified and experienced people are the more relaxed they are about these things. Do you work in the field - do you advise parents that they shouldn’t have any electronic toys at all in the house?

It sounds a bit extreme.

Oh OP. Do keep this thread on your 'I'm on' list and look back in 5 years time. I think you might cringe that this was your attitude. Lighten up.

DS was given that robot toy as a baby. It disappeared real quick.

It doesn't change. I fight fire with fire.

SIL set a low price limit on DC gifts this year. She's bought our DC toys for their bedroom that are battery operated (DH's pet hate), have bits to fiddle with at bed time (my pet hate) and cost more than double HER limit. Add to that she & I both hate drowning in plastic, pointless toys, but it's ok for us, apparently. She's asked for books ONLY for her DC.

Have agreement with my parents to 1. Buy one gift for kids, no swathes of plastic rubbish & 2. Only buy for kids. DM has bought a heap of plastic crap toys for kids & bought us gifts.

Both cases cause us angst in having to run out last minute to buy more gifts & financial pain, but we're the mean ones if we complain.

In revenge I've let my DC choose plastic crap for my parents & added HUGE, annoying toys for SIL's DC that they'll adore. SIL will complain, but..... (Long, unpleasant backstory there.)

@Barmyfarmy what the frick has taste of music got to do with anything. I put up with this “shit” because I’m a mother, I don’t want to play with plastic things that make noise, but my DD enjoys playing with them and I’m not selfish and a dictator in my house that my family can only do the things that I want them to do.

Your comments quite frankly are laughable.

DM buys the kids lovely wooden toys that never get played with. MIL gets them what I personally consider to be plastic tat that they absolutely love. Thank god for MIL otherwise the kids would be bored senseless.

@Ideasplease322
The example of the doctor was extreme, but you see the point I was trying to make.
I never said I was qualified to say a toy was tacky - this is clearly my personal opinion and I even stated that in the OP.
I have never, nor would ever advise a parent to not have electronic toys in the house, I would advise them as I have stated above, that they don't learn language passively via a screen/electronic toy, so would still need lots of parental interaction as well in order to learn. I thinks that why those toys frustrate me so much - it's that message on the box to parents that it "teaches" their child and I personally think that's the wrong sort of message to send out. And as a PP stated, those sorts of toys can mean that the parent is talking/interacting less.

And as a PP stated, those sorts of toys can mean that the parent is talking/interacting less.

Oh give it a rest.